26. Brixton

Chapter 26

Brixton

I don’t know how much more of this trip down Memory Lane I can take.

Sam’s parents have been nice enough, but fucking Jack hasn’t stopped talking about all the fun times they all had together for Christ only knows how many years he and Sam were together.

This goes way beyond pissing on him.

And I wanna punch that smug-ass grin right off his face.

“So, Brixton,” Sam’s dad, Bill, asks. “You play the guitar, right? As well as sing?”

I shift in the dining room chair. Finally, a commercial break in the fucking Jack Larsen show.

“Yes, sir. I’ve been playing since I was ten. My brother…” I trail off for a second when my words catch. I clear my throat. “My older brother bought me a secondhand guitar and I pretty much taught myself by watching videos online. It was expensive to get lessons, so if I wanted to play I needed to figure it out for my self.”

I sneak a look at Sam, my heart clenching at the sadness in his gaze.

“That’s incredibly impressive,” his mom, Mandee, says, a surprised look on her face. “And look what you’ve become, all on your own.”

Jack chooses that minute to cough through a scoff. Sam shoots him a look.

I clench my fists under the table.

He’d look really good with a hockey stick coming out of his mouth. Fucking dick.

“Davis…my brother…he’s really the one who helped me get noticed. Once we had a band, he sent demos all over the place for us to be considered for gigs. He talked to club managers, called booking agents.” I smile. “He was relentless. I think people booked us just so he’d stop bugging them.”

“He must’ve been very proud of you,” Sam’s mom says in a soft voice.

“Yeah, he was my best friend. He raised me since my mom died when I was born. I don’t know how I would have gotten by without him.”

I snap my lips closed before anything else can tumble out, noticing Sam’s parents exchange a concerned glance.

Shit. I’ve never let anything like that slip out in front of strangers. It’s too weak, too vulnerable. I don’t show that side to anyone.

A pang in my heart reminds me that one person in this room has already seen it.

Sam.

Nobody around the table says a word.

I catch Chase’s eye and he nods at me.

Like he knows Davis is listening right now. Like he’s here for me because I need him.

My chest tightens and I push back my chair, the feet scraping against the floor. “Um, excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.”

Chase jumps up. “I’ll show him where it is.”

I drop my napkin on the chair, avoiding everyone’s eyes as I follow Chase.

Once we’re out of earshot of the dining room, I reach for his arm.

“I appreciate you saving me.”

He turns, his lips lifting. “It’s the least I can do.”

I lean against the wall in the hallway, a deep sigh making my whole body sag. “I’m not used to talking about him.”

“I get it,” Chase says. “It was a tragedy. You heal in your own time. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t doing it fast enough.”

I scrub a hand down the front of my face. “I think about that night all the time, all the things I did and said, things I didn’t do or say. It all loops through my head constantly. Could I have saved him somehow? If I’d have just gotten a different driver, gone a different way to the hospital, tried to go to a different hospital…”

“This isn’t on your shoulders. It was his time,” Chase says, settling against the wall across from me. “I know that’s hard to hear, but there isn’t anything you could have done about it. Blaming yourself won’t ever make you feel better about losing Davis. But it will make you miss out on things that can bring you happiness. That may make you feel guilty, too. It’s not. It’s life. You’re not a bad person, so stop letting that guilt and anger turn you into someone you’re not.”

“I don’t know how to get back to the place where I’m even okay.”

“Time. It will happen. Maybe you’ve even had little slivers of okay. That’s a good start. You just have to be open to it.”

“I need to do something good for people. Davis used to volunteer a lot, but I never did. Always too busy working on my music. But he made the time and helped a lot of people. He loved doing it, too. I never got it before but now…working down at the center, seeing all those kids, knowing there are so many more out there who have it rough, I feel like I’m doing some good there. And I don’t…I don’t feel so alone.”

“Giving of yourself is definitely a way to heal your heart. You’re good with the kids from what Sam tells me. They seem to respond to you. And with your musical connection, you could really bring some cheer to kids who need it. I know that a lot of my patients get down a lot about their illnesses. Just meeting you would brighten so many of their days. Music is great therapy.” He shrugs. “There’s lots of good you can do. Just open your eyes to it.”

“I’d love to visit the kids and sing to them,” I say, actually excited about the possibility. “Even bring the rest of the band. Maybe even work with my record label to see if other artists in the area would want to make surprise visits.”

“See.. that’s what I’m talking about.” Chase leans forward and places his hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good guy. You haven’t shown that side lately, but I could tell. I’m a great judge of character. And you’re a good egg with an awesome idea. I’m here for it.”

He walks back toward the dining room and a smile lifts my lips.

This would be about me honoring Davis, not lamenting his death.

I feel like I’ve been loitering on the corner of Self-Pity Street and Guilt Place for two years. and I’m finally ready to make a turn.

My heart leaps in my chest.

And there’s only one person I want to tell.

Chase’s words echo in my mind.

“It was his time. ”

Maybe I was meant to be in that chapel that night, meant to collide with Sam in that bar, meant to meet Chase. If I hadn’t been in that chapel, the outcome would have been the same except I wouldn’t have met Sam.

Maybe the universe was laying the groundwork for my heart to finally heal.

And that, shockingly, brings me a little sliver of peace.

I push off the wall and turn in the direction of the dining room when Jack steps directly in my path.

“If you think that a little cheesecake is going to make Sam’s parents accept you, you’re wrong.”

I roll my eyes. “I didn’t bring it for them. And I’m not looking for anyone’s approval. I was trying to do a nice thing.”

“By googling his pregame ritual? Give me a break. He may not see it, but I do.” Jack leans closer. “And I don’t like it.”

“Why? Because maybe he didn’t miss your dick as much as you missed his?”

The vein in Jack’s neck throbs at that. “You don’t know anything about our relationship.”

“You obviously weren’t doing it for Sam, or else you guys would be back together.” I flash a nasty smile. “Or maybe there wouldn’t have been a breakup at all. Maybe it was just really convenient that you moved out East. Sam’s a good guy. He wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

I’m poking the bear but I really don’t give a damn right now. I’m so flooded with anger that I can’t keep my mouth shut.

I should push past him and go back to the dining room.

But my feet stay planted on the floor.

“You’re right. Sam is a good guy. That’s why you’re here right now. He feels bad for you. And he wants to thank you for helping out at Play It Forward.” Jack narrows his eyes. “So if you’re stupid enough to think there’s more to it than that, then you really are an ignorant prick. I’ve read all the stories. Sam would never be into a guy like you. It’s pity, period.”

“Okay. And you know what I’ve read about you?” I say, dropping my voice conspiratorially and leaning close.

He just stares at me. Expectantly.

I make an “o” with my fingers. “Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing, Jack. My advice? Stop trying to convince yourself how important you are to Sam. If he’s not in your arms already, he never will be. So stop pissing all over him. It won’t change how he feels about you. Find a puckboy.”

I edge past him, my feet creaking on the hardwood floorboards.

The blood ices in my veins at the sound of voices drifting into the hallway..

“The guy clearly has a lot of issues. And I’m concerned about Sam’s future. I think he should stay far away from Brixton Scott, or else there will be major risks to his future.”

I back away, the hairs on the back of my neck prickling at the distaste in his father’s tone.

Swinging around an end table, I almost knock over a picture frame as I try to figure out how the hell to get out of this house without being noticed.

“Hey, there you are.”

I stop short, Sam’s voice like a soothing balm to my bruised ears.

No. Fuck, no.

I always said Sam was too good.

This can’t be about me and how he makes me feel.

It isn’t fair to him. To any of them, really.

“I can’t wait to dig into dessert,” he says, holding up the cheesecake. “If you haven’t tried one of their cheesecakes, you haven’t lived. ”

I have to make the right choice now. I have to think about him, not what he does for me.

“I have to go,” I say. “I’m sorry.”

He furrows his brows. “Right now? Before dessert? Are you feeling okay?”

I shake my head. “It was a mistake to come here tonight. Everything about us is a big fucking mistake.”

The words taste like shit on my tongue but they need to be said.

And now I just need to turn around and let go.

Let him go.