Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

2017

“Honey, I gotta get to work. Your mom will be here any minute.”

“Okay.”

I suppressed a sigh and walked over to the bed, and I sat down on the edge and grabbed her hand. “Can you please call the doctor today?”

She had to go back. This couldn’t go on.

She withdrew from me and turned around, facing away from me. “Just leave, Roe.”

Fuck.

Stay strong, stay strong, don’t fall apart.

I heard one of the twins get fussy in the kitchen, which meant the other would wake up soon too.

“Daddy, we gots to go!” Cas hollered.

“Comin’, buddy!” I wanted to get out of here as much as I wanted to stay and…well, force Sandra to see her doctor again. She needed help. We both did, but she was the one suffering from postpartum depression, and every day she spent in bed, ignoring and denying, things got worse. It fucking hurt to see her this way.

I bent over her and kissed the side of her head. “We love you. We just want you to feel better. You’re a wonderful mom, honey.”

She didn’t respond.

I left the bedroom just as I heard keys in the door. Kathryn was here, with an overnight bag for some reason. Or maybe she was just bringing some stuff over.

She entered quietly and smiled upon seeing me. “Good morning, dear. I thought you’d left already.”

“We’re just on our way out.” I stifled a yawn and peered into the kitchen. I couldn’t see Casper, but I heard him rummaging around somewhere. Probably in his room. The twins were half crying, half cooing in their car seats.

“How is she today?” Kathryn asked.

“Same as yesterday.”

I didn’t fucking know what to do anymore. It’d been three months. The depression had hit like a freight train a couple weeks after the twins had been born, and we’d acted fast. Kathryn and I had teamed up, and Sandra had agreed to see a doctor. She’d agreed to go on antidepressants, and at first, she’d seemed receptive to what we told her. This happened. It wasn’t her fault. She was overwhelmed, and it was totally fine to rest up and leave everything else to her family. That’s what we were here for. No pressure. But about a month ago, she’d stopped going. She barely got out of bed, and she didn’t spend much time with our kids. Casper was the exception. The twins…? Nothing. Which we also knew happened. It wasn’t her damn fault, yet now she was stuck in a loop of self-hatred and exhaustion.

Kathryn patted my arm. “I will try to talk to her again. She really must go back to Dr. Carlson. And you—you need to rest too, Roe. Have you given the nanny idea any more thought? You can’t be alone with three young children.”

I’d be fine. I had my support network in Marina del Rey. Jake, Nikki, and Haley went the extra mile almost every day to help out.

“It’s all right around the office,” I replied. “I take a nap before lunch. I have Jake and Haley with me most of the time. They’ve been wonderful.”

I was only worried about Sandra.

To be honest, I hadn’t been too shocked to hear the doctor diagnose her with postpartum, not after that pregnancy. She’d been on bed rest since February, and she’d suffered from iron deficiency and extreme nausea. It’d really taken a toll on her.

Life had been put on hold. I’d missed Nikki’s birthday, my own thirtieth had been postponed, Jake’s birthday had been low-key, I hadn’t left LA to visit family, and most of our work travels had been handled by Jake and Seth.

Kathryn looked up at me, a little amused. “While I agree that your friends are wonderful, you need much more than a lunch nap to get by, but I can only handle one stubborn person right now.”

I chuckled, and she gave my hand a squeeze before she passed me on her way to Sandra.

“Hey, Kathryn?” I hesitated, unsure if I was doing the right thing here. I’d read so many articles about this type of depression, and not all experts said the same thing. “I, um…I know we’re supposed to keep encouraging her to get help, but…uh, she cries a lot, and she’s hurting. So…”

“Don’t you worry, dear. I’ll be careful. I know my daughter.”

Right. Of course. Obviously. “Sorry. I’m just worried.”

“That’s what makes you a wonderful husband, Roe.”

Ouch. Let’s not go there. I was all right at best. I was trying my hardest to make up for everything I was doing wrong, but I wasn’t sure that was even possible.

It didn’t matter much now, though. Every day was just about pushing through.

Kathryn and I parted ways after she’d greeted the kids briefly, and I brought them all with me to work. At least Casper loved our new morning routine. He got to have breakfast with Colin and Sam before Haley or Mai took them to day care. Colin was on summer break now, though, so I was gonna let Casper stay with me a couple days a week.

The driveway at the Condor house was reserved for me these days, so I didn’t have to hunt down a parking spot. At six-fifteen in the morning, I was strapping Adam to my front carrier, Casper was already darting for the house, and last but not least, I picked up a drowsy Callie and held her to my chest, right next to her brother.

“No screaming, no screaming,” I whispered. “There we go, sweethearts. No screaming.”

Please don’t scream.

Daddy was exhausted.

I shut the car door as gently as possible, then made my way to the front door.

So far, so good.

“Daddy, Callie here!” I heard Sam call.

I smiled tiredly and shrugged off the diaper bag.

“Indoor voices, baby,” Jake reminded from the kitchen. “Mornin’, Cas. Bear’s on the patio with breakfast.”

“Okay!” Casper didn’t know the meaning of indoor voices either.

Sam sprinted on her tiptoes toward me, a big smile on her face, and she hugged my thigh. “Hi! I play wiv Callie now?”

I chuckled silently and combed my fingers through her dark hair. She was a mini-Nikki with Jake’s blue eye color. “I’m gonna see if she wants to sleep a bit more first, but then you can play. All right?”

Sam pouted. “Okay. Momma say babies gots to sleep lots.”

“Mommy’s right.” I nodded. Yet, babies didn’t sleep nearly enough.

Twins could scream on their own, and they could scream together. For some reason, they were rarely quiet together.

Jake arrived on the scene and was one step ahead. He’d brought the babies’ home away from home, a travel bassinet on wheels we rolled all over the house.

“Thank you,” I said, relieved.

“No problem. Lemme snatch one up.” He came over to me and carefully grabbed Callie from me. “If it ain’t the mini princess. You feelin’ sleepy, sugar? You keepin’ Daddy up all night?”

“Daddyyyy,” Sam complained. “I wanna help.”

“Can you believe you were this tiny once?” Jake squatted down so Sam could greet Callie, and it was impossible not to smile. I remembered when it’d been Colin fussing over Casper. Whispering and touching gently.

In the meantime, I carefully freed Adam from the carrier and pressed my lips to the top of his head. I breathed him in and reveled in every second that ticked by somewhat silently.

For as rough as these past months had been, I loved being a father. When everything around me hurt, they soothed the aches and closed the wounds.

By some miracle, Adam and Callie remained in cooing mode. I bundled them up close to each other in the bassinet, and Jake promised coffee and food on the patio.

Sam wasn’t ready to let the twins out of her sight, so I picked her up and positioned her on my hip, and she “helped” me wheel the bassinet outside. She also wanted to be the one who lowered the mosquito net over the canopy. Because she was a big girl now, she told me.

Right here, I could let out a breath and feel right at home. The kids gathered around the coffee table on the patio, Sam and Colin still wearing PJs. The sun wasn’t up yet, so Jake had flicked on the bistro lights overhead, and there were blankets for everyone.

And the breakfast spread—Christ. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, reheated leftovers, and blueberry muffins. Oh God, coffee. I collapsed on the sofa I usually shared with Jake, and Sam giggled up a storm at being jostled.

We had about half an hour before our Friday podcast guest would be here, and I intended to make each minute count. Even more so because our food-truck Thursdays had become more rare. Sometimes we went, sometimes we brought food over here instead, and sometimes I was just too tired to consider it.

We hadn’t gone yesterday.

“Is this one staying home today?” I pointed at Sam over her head so she couldn’t see.

Jake nodded with a mouth full of pancakes. “Haley and Nikki have plans for the talkin’ triad, and Mai’s gonna watch the twins.”

The talking triad. I chuckled and took a sip of my coffee. “I hope Mai leaves her boyfriend at home this time.” Mai loved kids, and she’d thought it was a good idea to bring her boyfriend over for lunch one day when the twins had been here. The dude was traumatized.

As if on cue, Adam and Callie started screaming, and I closed my eyes and counted to ten.

I could do this; I could do this. They needed to be fed anyway.

Before I could ease Sam off my lap, however, we had company. I heard Nikki and Haley, promptly followed by Colin announcing his mommy was here.

The two women stepped out onto the patio in yoga pants and formfitting hoodies, and they were in a much too good of a mood at this hour.

“Hey!” Haley waved to us before zeroing in on the bassinet. “Aw, my li’l crybabies. Your favorite auntie is here.”

“Hi, Momma, I sit here!” Sam declared.

“I can see that, love. Hi, everyone.” Nikki kissed the top of her head, then found a seat next to Jake. “Did you…?”

Jake shook his head, a slight smirk playing on his lips. “Not yet.”

I was missing something.

“Well, what’re you waiting for?” Nikki shooed him off the sofa. “Go do your thing, cowboy.”

“Jesus,” Jake laughed.

I lifted my eyebrows.

“All right, come on.” He jerked his chin at me, and that cleared up none of the confusion. “Y’all little runts be good for Nikki.”

“Nikki,” Colin snickered. “That’s Mommy, Daddy.”

“Oh. You’re right, buddy.” Jake played along, and I guessed I could do the same. I slipped Sam off my lap and rose from my seat. “Uncle Roe and I will be right back. Finish your breakfast.”

I hadn’t even started mine.

Completely fucking lost, I followed Jake back into the house, and he led the way down the hall toward our studio.

“Wait there one sec,” he said outside the room.

“All right.” I scratched the side of my head.

He must’ve literally just meant a second, and he didn’t close the door or anything. I heard the sound of a lighter, and then he turned around to reveal… Oh Christ. I smiled and shook my head. It was a cupcake with two candles in the shape of number 30.

“We’re done postponin’ your big thirtieth,” he told me. “There’s a bigger cake waiting for you in New York, but this will have to do for now.”

Whoa, wait. New York?

“This is sweet, Jake, but you know I can’t go anywhere right now, yeah?”

“Actually, you can,” he replied. “Nikki and I have personally spoken to Sandra’s mother, who, for the record, thinks you need this too. You and I fly out with the kids—all of them—tonight at eleven PM.”

Oh fuck. My stomach fluttered with nerves. The prospect of seeing my family, my other family, made me wanna jump up and down like Casper after too much candy. Did Jake really mean this? Was he serious? Wait up. No. Fuck, no. I was not bringing two infants on a plane. Was that even safe? Would the other passengers survive?

In the matter of a second, my heart went from soaring to crashing.

“I-I can’t fly with the little ones,” I managed to get out.

Jake just smiled. “Not even if we flew private?”

What?

“What?” I stared at him. He didn’t mean that. Did we have that kind of money? I mean, sure, I supposed, but—

“The answer is yes, Roe.” He took a step closer and held up the cupcake. “It’s a total tax write-off too, because we have business to tend to in New York tomorrow afternoon.”

I exhaled shakily, suddenly a ball of nerves. My chest threatened to explode with hope, and I was an emotional fucking wreck these days. Not a whole lot was required for me to tear up. I’d gotten all mushy at a goddamn diaper commercial the other day. Don’t get me fucking started on ads about shelter animals.

“But Sandra—”

“Will be looked after by her mother,” Jake said patiently. “I swear, buddy. We’ve thought of everythin’. The twins are good to fly, I’ve packed for Casper already, and Elsie’s prepared for the little ones in New York. She has the right formula, the right diapers, all of it. Greer is comin’ up from Virginia, so he’s picking us up as soon as we land.”

Jesus Christ, he couldn’t do this to me. I felt my chin quiver and my vision turn blurry, and I had to cover my mouth with my hand. I couldn’t believe him. That he’d do this for me. I mean, no, it was actually right up his alley to be this thoughtful, but still. This had come out of nowhere, and I didn’t know what to say.

Jake returned the cupcake to our table, then hauled me in for a tight hug.

That fucking shattered me.

I sniffled and felt months of tension start to drain out of me.

“You need a break, darlin’,” he murmured.

I screwed my eyes shut and locked my arms around his neck.

He didn’t know what this meant to me. The surprise, his generosity, the idea, his arms around me…

When he tightened his hold, I kicked the door shut behind us, needing a few more moments. He’d joked in the past how my extrovert stole energy from his introvert, and maybe that was true. He did energize me. He gave me strength.

“I got you.” He rubbed my back soothingly, and I sniffled again.

I missed him so much.

“I’m sorry for bein’ a fucking mess,” I croaked.

He sighed and kissed my temple. “You’ve been alone with two infants and a toddler for almost four months, Roe. You don’t eat enough, you don’t sleep enough, and you get little support from home—”

“It’s not her fault.” I couldn’t help but tense up.

“Hey—I didn’t say it was.” He inched back and cupped my face in his hands. “I’m not blamin’ anyone, Roe. I’m just saying there’s usually more than one victim when someone’s depressed. You’re doing everything you can—everything you’re supposed to. But you can let us take care of you for a bit. While you take care of her.”

I nodded once and was about to wipe at my cheeks, but he did it for me.

“And you know, maybe a few days away from the kids will help Sandra relax,” he offered. “Nikki read something about the pressure mothers often feel with postpartum—like, they’re feeling pressured to get better faster because they have kids waiting.”

Oh. It didn’t sound untrue, that’s for sure. Sandra could barely look at the twins without tearing up, so she avoided them altogether.

I cleared my throat and tried to compose myself. “How long will we be gone for?”

“We fly home on Tuesday morning.”

I nodded again. That sounded perfect. Too good to be true.

“Thank you.” I stole a hug, because the first one hadn’t been enough.

It never was with Jake.

He squeezed me so fucking perfectly too. He was sexy comfort personified.

Ironically, while making me stronger, he also weakened my resolve.

I shuddered and catalogued every move he made. His hands rubbing my back, his lips at my temple, his warmth, the faint scent of his body wash.

I miss you.

I miss you.

“I miss you.”

Fuck.

He drew a deep breath and exhaled. “I miss you too.”

Thank you.That was sheer oxygen. Forbidden but sorely needed.

It was all I would allow myself.

* * *

Jake had given me the best birthday gift I could ever ask for. My family all in one place.

Okay, not everyone was here, but it was damn near impossible to get all the Finlays under one roof. My nieces and nephews were old enough to prefer spending time with friends—hell, one of them was old enough to be deployed, though Crew was rotating back home soon. He’d promised to come see me in LA. He liked it out there.

Less than twenty-four hours ago, Jake had brought me back to life. Now I was sitting in my aunt and uncle’s backyard. They utilized every square inch of the little space. My uncle loved to barbecue, so that was what we were having for lunch. Cullen and Angus were here, doing yardwork in Aunt Elsie’s vegetable garden, Greer was helping my sister feed the twins in the parlor, Francis would get here after his shift, Kyle had just arrived, and Ben had fucking canceled. He lived in Virginia too.

“Daddy, catch me!” Casper came running toward me, and I just managed to set down my beer before I swooped him up.

“Oh-hey! Who’s chasin’ ya?” I grinned and rubbed our noses together.

“Unca Cullen!”

“I’m innocent!” Cullen bullshitted. He currently had a laughing Colin thrown over his shoulder, and he was standing in the middle of Aunt Elsie’s tomato plants. She wasn’t gonna be happy.

“You tryna make crushed tomatoes or what?” I hollered.

“Shit.” He quickly stepped aside and winced. “Don’t tell Ma.”

I laughed. I loved how they never fucking grew up. Hell, they were pushing forty-five and acted more like Casper at times.

“Oi, superstar!” my sister called. “Can I borrow my nephew? Casper, c’mere. I’m gonna show you pictures of your daddy when he was little.”

I snorted and turned around. She was standing in the doorway with a smirk.

“He’s too young to laugh at me, you idjit.” But by all means. I let Casper down, and he darted over to Mira.

“We’ll see,” was all she said.

I reckoned it was time for me to check in on the twins. If Greer was by himself, he might need help.

Where was Jake—oh, right. Sam was thirsty. In other words, they’d be stuck in the kitchen while Aunt Elsie fussed over them.

Hmm. Soon as I entered the house, I found the parlor empty—and unchanged since the eighties. Years ago, we’d staged an intervention to get the plastic off the couches. That was all Aunt Elsie had allowed. Speaking of, she was alone in the narrow kitchen.

“Uh, hi. Have you seen my two youngest?” I asked with a grin.

She looked up from the vegetables she was chopping and smirked a little. “Weren’t you supposed to rest, sweetie? We’ve got things covered, you know. Adam and Callie are napping upstairs with Sam.”

Oh.

She waved her knife at the baby monitor on the kitchen table. “Relax.”

Well, fine. I guessed I could hunt down Jake instead. The house I’d spent my last childhood years in was narrow but kinda long, so I popped my head into the parlor once more, Unc’s study, and the TV room in the front before I jogged up the stairs. Nothing but bedrooms up here. Rooms that’d always been shared between at least two brothers. School pictures and old drawings graced the yellow walls, along with a wooden clock that ticked too loudly.

My traitor of a firstborn was giggling madly in Mira’s old room, and she was spurring him on with comments like, “Didn’t he look like a clown?” and “Look at that hair.”

I rolled my eyes and moved on. Not opening that door, knowing my son and daughter were sleeping peacefully with Jake’s girl.

Okay, he was obviously not up here.

Then I came to a stop on the stairs. Found you, gorgeous. Through the little window surrounded by photos of weddings and christenings, I spotted both Jake and Greer in the driveway shooting hoops.

They’d worked up a sweat, so they’d probably been out there a minute.

I smiled automatically. One linebacker going up against a quarterback, who would win? Jake was faster. Greer was stronger—not necessarily the quality you wanted in basketball, but he had stamina too. Then again, so did Jake.

How many times had I asserted myself in that driveway? Cullen and I were the reigning champs of the family. Greer wasn’t far behind.

Curious about how the game would turn out, I hurried downstairs and stopped at the window in the hallway instead. It extended a bit outside the rest of the house so I could see better.

Jake scored, to which Greer cursed and made a go-again motion. Then he yanked his tee over his head and tossed it onto the hedge.

Jake spoke while he dribbled, but I couldn’t decipher the words. It was more than a simple “Goddammit.” Maybe trash talk? His smirk indicated hell-raisin’. I was totally rooting for him. Greer was too good at goading the rest of us. We knew how to turn shit into a pissing contest.

I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as I watched them. Jake, mainly. How well he fit in here. How much he knew and cared about everyone.

I was never gonna get over him. I’d once called him the first love of my life, and I knew very well it went beyond that. He was the only one.

They went back and forth, scoring plenty, provoking each other even more, and laughing when they fucked up and dropped the ball.

I cocked my head as Greer went up against Jake, dribbling the ball quickly, with Jake trying to steal. Personal space—fucking gone. They seemed…awfully comfortable with each other. Greer barked out a laugh and almost lost the ball, but he managed to hold on to it—until it bounced off Jake’s foot and ricocheted out on the street.

“Look what you did!” Jake laughed, out of breath.

“Me?!” Greer spun around, and instead of going after the ball, he got in Jake’s face.

My stomach tightened painfully. The switch was so fucking sudden that I didn’t know how to react. One second, they were messing around. And now… That was flirting. Holy fuck, no. They were locked in some heated stare-down, each man daring the other to fold.

Fold, fold, fucking fold!

I stared in horror as Greer said something in Jake’s ear, and what did my buddy do? He fucking nodded. Then they headed for the garage, with Greer stepping through the door first and Jake closing it.

This wasn’t fucking happening.

I was gonna be sick.

* * *

I broke the cardinal rule and entered a room where two infants and a toddler slept. Fuck lunch. I had no appetite. I passed the little sofa that could only be comfortable to an almost three-year-old, and I aimed at the bed where someone had bundled Adam and Callie.

The curtains were already drawn, so all I had to do was squeeze in next to Adam. I removed my shoes and carefully slipped under the covers, and I moved a couple pillows around to get comfortable. They had a new barrier to keep them from rolling off the bed, which wasn’t gonna happen anyway. Callie was so far ahead of her brother; she could almost roll from her tummy to her back, but not the other way around.

I pressed a featherlight kiss to Adam’s little head and just watched them.

I’d once asked Jake if this was gonna hurt, and he’d said probably.

We’d been right.

This was what we’d agreed to. I’d move on with Sandra, and he would…figure out who he was. With other men.

Like my own goddamn brother.

“But I have you two and Cas,” I whispered. “Youse’re obligated to love me forever.”

Motherfuckers. Jake and Greer? Un-fucking-likely. To have fun…? Maybe. I doubted it, but maybe. Nothing serious, however. I knew what Greer was into, and it sure as fuck wasn’t tops.

Whatever this was would pass, and Jake would be one step closer to exploring something more. Like dating. Like hooking up in gay bars. Fuck if I knew. Well, I knew one thing. Jake was slipping through my fingers, even though I’d never had him in the palm of my hand to begin with.

Adam suckled at his pacifier and turned his face toward his sister.

I closed my eyes and let out a breath.

* * *

“Roe?”

Adam and Callie are next to me.

I blinked and stayed still, acutely aware I’d fallen asleep with the twins by my side. Heavy sleeps were behind me. Except, I’d evidently slept heavily enough to miss that someone had kidnapped the twins.

I yawned and sat up, wincing when I felt a pain in my neck.

Jake—he was here. Right, he’d called my name. He stood in the doorway. I squinted at him. The fucker had showered. He wore a pair of jeans—and had just a towel around his shoulders. Sweaty basketball game?

“Where’s Adam and Callie?” I muttered.

“Elsie and Mira took them for a walk,” he replied, dragging a towel over his head again. “Gen and Peyton showed up too.” Angus’s and Cullen’s wives. “They headed out with the other kids for ice cream.”

All right. I grunted and got out of bed, and I rubbed the back of my neck and put on my shoes. “Okay, so what’s up?”

Jake cleared his throat. “We have that business appointment—but I can reschedule if you wanna sleep. You’re here to rest up.”

No, I wanted to see what this “business” was that he’d refused to tell me anything about.

“I’m good to go.” I tidied up on the bed before I headed out and down the stairs, and I typed a text to Sandra on the way.

“You wanna eat first since you missed lunch? Elsie made you a plate.”

“Nah, I’m not hungry.” I stopped in the hallway and excused myself to take a quick leak first.

I heard him sigh before I closed the door.

It was nice to feel numb at the moment.

As I undid my jeans, I scanned the text before firing it off.

Hey, hon. Hope you got some sleep. All is well here. The kids are out on adventures with the family. You wanna FaceTime later? We could order pizza and just watch TV together. No pressure.

I didn’t care how long recovery took if she would just see the doctor. I wasn’t particularly impatient by nature, but we were stuck in this limbo now. Everything felt dead. I felt dead.

After I was done, I washed my hands and ran a hand through my hair in an attempt to look less electrocuted. Then my phone vibrated, and I was a little surprised that Sandra had replied so fast. I’d figured she was resting.

Just stop, Roe. No, I don’t want to FaceTime and have pizza. Please leave me alone. I’m not feeling better. I just had a fight with my mom because I said you might as well move out and take the kids with you.

She didn’t mean that. She didn’t mean it. She’d said similar things before. It was the depression talking. But what if… I blew out a breath and scrubbed my hands over my face. Maybe I should talk to Dr. Carlson. I didn’t know the protocol here. Because what if some space helped her? Maybe seeing the children every day just reminded her of the demons telling her she wasn’t a good mom. Or perhaps that would just postpone the inevitable. I didn’t fucking know.

It was settled. When I came home, I was calling the doc.

For now, I rejoined Jake and ignored the urge to reply to Sandra. It would be of no use when she was in the mood to push people away.

Jake had apparently squared things with my sister, so we borrowed her Prius, and the Southerner I traveled with plugged a Sunset Park address into the GPS on his phone. Sunset Park was just north of Bay Ridge, and I had no damn clue who we knew in that area. Over the years, we’d made plenty of connections with industry people in New York, but they tended to have Manhattan addresses.

It was a nice area we were going to, though. Brownstone central, not too far away from the harbor.

“We won’t find any offices or studios at that address,” I stated. It was all residential, two or three-story brownstones filled with younger people who worked in the city.

“Correct.” He made a turn and then sped up when the lights ahead turned yellow. I was a little proud of him. He’d learned to drive like a New Yorker under my influence. “Did you have an argument with Sandra earlier or somethin’?”

I glanced at him and frowned. “No…? You mean before we left the house?”

“No, before lunch. You kinda disappeared, and then Elsie said you were asleep upstairs.”

Ah. Nope, no fighting with the missus. Only seeing the love of my life flirt and possibly hook up with my big brother. Good times.

“I was just tired.” I looked out the window again.

There was nothing else I could do. This was me, lying in the fucking bed I’d made. I didn’t ask any of the questions I was desperate to know the answers to. Like, did he still miss me like he’d told me fucking yesterday? Did he think about me? Want me? Because it wouldn’t be fair to him. I couldn’t string him along when I had, for all intents and purposes, moved on.

Nobody deserved to be happy more than Jake. He’d been to hell and back, and I wouldn’t stand in the way.

Once Sandra improved and I wasn’t alone with the kids to this degree, I’d step up and be a more supportive friend. I wanted to ask about his therapy and simply be there for him, but right now, I couldn’t. It would hurt too much. It was painful enough to let him go. I couldn’t stomach encouraging every step away from me that he took.

A couple minutes later, Jake pulled into a parking spot a few houses away from where we were going. I took a deep breath and felt somewhat composed, and then I stepped out of the car and looked up at the trees that lined the street.

Late June wasn’t brutal in New York. July and August, on the other hand…

That reminded me, though. Before we went back home, I had to pick up a birthday gift for Sam. She turned three on Thursday.

I’d asked if Sandra wanted to come to the party. Big mistake.

If I asked her, I was insensitive and thoughtless to what pained her. “How can you possibly think I’m ready to attend a children’s birthday party, Roe? God!” If I didn’t ask her, I was the dick who wanted to exclude her. “Why didn’t you tell me about Jake’s birthday dinner? Admit it—you didn’t want me there.”

“I think I’d give a million bucks to know what’s goin’ on inside your mind,” I heard Jake say.

I side-eyed him and noticed we’d reached the right address, the building on the corner. Humor was the best approach, ’cause I knew very well I lived in my head most of the time now, and people close to me weren’t used to that.

“I think about the same things all men think about,” I said casually and trailed up the stoop steps. “Crossword puzzles, the best songs by Simon and Garfunkel, snickerdoodles, and who’s gonna pay for that wall.”

He snorted softly and, instead of pressing someone’s buzzer, dug out a set of keys.

Oh God, what had he done?

“Jake, what did you do?”

He flashed me a faint smirk and led the way inside. “Nothing yet.”

But he was about to? I was so lost. Yet, suspicious, because I didn’t have many options here, so maybe I just didn’t wanna connect the dots. It was impossible, though. These buildings weren’t for rent, so to speak. We had briefly discussed renting a small space on the East Coast, a conversation that’d started and ended in less than ten minutes, and it had to have been a year or two ago. Yeah, because it’d been Seth’s idea. He wanted us to break into the European markets more, at which point it made sense to have an East Coast location.

We had a small but growing following in Europe already, thanks to our social media presence and our big-network productions that’d been dubbed in other languages, but Seth’s visions were larger than that.

Jake bypassed the stairwell and the old rickety elevator I wouldn’t trust to carry a grocery bag, much less my own body weight, and he aimed for the one and only door on the first floor.

“Come on in and make yourself at home.” He smiled and opened the door for me.

He was serious, wasn’t he?

I went inside and immediately drew in a breath, because I couldn’t help but envision what this could be for us. The fact that it was fully furnished and looking like a hotel suite helped. Past the little entryway with a… I opened the door to a half bath. After that waited an open space, a living room and kitchen with a bar that separated the cooking area.

A narrow hallway went alongside the kitchen to my left, down to—

“Two bedrooms, one and a half baths, and this right here—it can be a living room, an office, a place to hold meetings, whatever we want,” Jake said. “We could fill one of the bedrooms with bunk beds for the kids.”

I really liked that the bedrooms were out of sight, because it made the place look more like a workspace, if decorated right. Seth would certainly approve.

“This isn’t for rent, is it?”

He shook his head. “The owner is a friend of Ortiz’s. It’ll hit the market for one point one next week unless we’re interested. It can be ours for a million.”

Jesus Christ. I mean, I knew what living cost around here, and we wouldn’t find anything under a million in this area, but it was still nuts. A lot of money. I came from a family who’d bought their spots in Brooklyn in the sixties and seventies when these numbers didn’t exist outside Manhattan.

“We can afford it, Roe. I’ve already talked to our bank.” Jake came up next to me and rested an arm on my shoulder. “What do you say? Seth would have free rein to expand our business, you and I would have a place to stay when we visit your family, not to mention all our layovers in between shooting.”

I took a breath and dared to smile a little. It was a good feeling. Aunt Elsie would be playfully offended for a minute, of course, because she wanted us at home in a guest room or two, but then she’d realize our own place in Brooklyn might entail more frequent visits. We’d have a home away from home to set down some roots on the East Coast.

“Show me the bedrooms,” I requested.

He inclined his head and walked down the hallway. “By the way, call me a cliché, but ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ is the best song.”

I grinned quickly and stuck my hands down in the pockets of my jeans. I was a cliché too, then. My mom had loved Simon and Garfunkel. “That one and ‘The Boxer,’” I said.

“Agreed. See, we’re already a better duo than those two. We agree on things.”

I chuckled.

We slowed down outside the two side-by-side bedrooms, and it was all too easy to see bunk beds in one and…a king-size in the other. Rather than the two queen beds that stood in the left one now. The other room was empty.

That fucking song, “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” played in my head as my masochistic brain shoved images of a fantasy future to the forefront of my mind. Traveling with Jake, with our kids, juggling them together, turning a disaster in the kitchen into a night out at a restaurant, getting the kids ready for bed when they were running around and giving us grays…

I opened the bathroom door behind us and envisioned suds all over the floor, Casper trying out my aftershave, Adam and Callie fighting over who had been snuck the most quarters by my uncle, Sam hiding Colin’s toothbrush with a mischievous smirk, and—

“I have a date on Friday.”

The visions faded into nothing, and I was left with a kick in the gut instead.

I closed the door and clenched my jaw, unclenched it, and pushed down every fucking emotion that wanted to escape. This was it. Whatever had happened with Greer didn’t matter. This was Jake moving on. He was ready to explore.

I turned to face him again, but I couldn’t for the life of me make eye contact. Instead, I nodded and looked down. My hands went back into my pockets.

“Good.” I cleared my throat, fucking nauseated, and forced the words out. “I, uh, I guess that means you’ve made some progress about…you know. Who you are. That’s great. Do I know who it is?”

Don’t tell me. Just kill me.

He leaned against the doorframe and folded his arms over his chest. I didn’t dare look higher than that, instead pretending to find the floorboards very fascinating.

“I don’t know if you remember David,” he said quietly. David—what a fucking name. I hated David. “We competed against him and his friend Zoey on that game show a few years ago.”

Oh. That fucker. Yeah, I remembered him. I knew they’d stayed in touch—and had way too much in common.

“The photographer.” I nodded once. Jealousy tightened its fist around my chest, and I couldn’t stop the bitterness from seeping in too. I’d never felt so goddamn stuck in my life. I couldn’t regret a single second that’d brought me my kids, so I couldn’t say my life would’ve been better if I’d never married Sandra. But that didn’t prevent me from feeling angry. Angry at our situation, angry with myself—hell, angry with Jake. I didn’t even know why. None of it was rational. My skin prickled uncomfortably, and I felt like I had a noose around my neck.

When I was angry, I lost my filters.

“I guess he’s a better match than Greer,” I noted. “Unless you’re into calling someone Master, of course.”

“Whoa. What the fuck?”

Yeah, what the fuck.

Instant regret, but I was too pissed to apologize. So I started heading back to the living room and shook my head at myself. “Ignore me. Congrats on your date.”

“Screw that—what the hell did you mean by that with Greer?” he demanded.

“I fucking saw you today,” I spat out over my shoulder. “The flirting when you played basketball? Then you disappeared into the garage.” Fucking hell, I needed to cool down. All of a sudden, the anger exploded into rage tinted with desperation and, fuck, I don’t know, hysteria. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I’d made one goddamn mistake; I’d promised commitment to a woman who’d been afraid to raise a baby alone, which never would’ve happened, and now I was here.

Yeah, with three beautiful children.

God.

I wanted to scream. Instead, I turned to the nearest wall and punched it as hard as I could.

“Hey! For fuck’s sake, Roe!”

“I don’t wanna hear it!” I shouted. “Lemme calm the fuck down.” Ow. I screwed my eyes shut as the pain blazed up my hand. My heart pounded, my breaths came out choppy, and I couldn’t fucking control myself. Christ, this wasn’t like me. Being hotheaded was one thing, but I wasn’t an angry person. I hated anger.

I sniffled and headed over to the kitchen.

Jake followed me there and took charge. He grabbed me by my wrist and turned on the water to the coldest setting. “Whatever you think happened between Greer and me—dial it down. We’ve been talking. I reached out to him a couple months ago because I’m trying to come out. Okay? He’s been helping me.”

I winced as the cold water hit my hand. It felt too soon—it was gonna be hours before it swelled up if I’d fractured anything, which I didn’t think I had. But I’d scraped my knuckles pretty bad, and the water wasn’t a nice feeling.

Neither was the fact that he’d turned to Greer for what I wished he’d come to me for…at the same time as I reluctantly understood. I’d been swamped with my own shit.

“You didn’t hook up?” I muttered.

He opened his mouth, only to close it, then sigh.

Fuck.

They had.

“It’s not as bad as you think—and for the record, welcome to my life.” He was annoyed as shit, yet he worked my hand gently, aiming the cold water over my scrapes. “How do you think it’s been for me the past three years when you’ve gone home to Sandra every night? Huh? It’s fucking deranged I gotta stand here and make excuses for whatever I do with Greer. He’s single, I’m single—you’re fucking not.” He gave me a pointed look.

I averted my stare.

I knew I was a douchebag. No need for reminders.

They hadn’t fucked. Jake had never once given me a bottom vibe, and I knew for a fact Greer wasn’t one.

Jake sighed again. He was good at that when I tested his patience. “We made out and got each other off.”

I quickly withdrew my hand as those images seared themselves into my skull, and if I didn’t get out of here right now, I was gonna punch something else.

Made out and…

Get the fuck outta here.

“Roe.”

“I’m out.” I headed for the door, teeth gnashed, and—

I didn’t get far before Jake was grabbing my arm.

He was livid. The glare he gave me sent all my rage into hiding, and I widened my eyes in sheer shock. A second later, he shoved me up against a wall and caged me in. A cold chill ran down my spine.

“That’s me. Let’s talk about you now.” He spoke in an eerily calm, low tone. “Do you think about me whenever you stick your cock in your wife?”

I sucked in a quick breath, his words registering like a backhand and a heat wave all at once. “It’s cute you think I have a sex life at all.”

He smirked sardonically. “I don’t think Adam and Callie are the products of immaculate conception.”

“Yeah, but that’s about all,” I shot back. Jesus Christ, we were fucking sick. My gut churned with jealousy and longing—and need and love and agony and…and did I mention jealousy?

Despite Jake obviously being fed up with my bullshit, I didn’t once try to push him away. We were standing so close to each other that our chests almost touched, and that was all that counted. That’s how sick I was.

I wanted him closer and closer—even when I was too chickenshit to reach out and grab him. I balled my hands into fists, which fucking hurt in my right hand, and I kept them to myself.

Jake’s jaw ticked with tension, and he dropped his gaze to my mouth.

Nerves fluttered within me, and I searched far and wide for my resolve, finding it nowhere. I couldn’t fight anymore. I couldn’t fight him. I was too weak—and it wasn’t just related to this very moment. It was my whole future. Did I even have one? Because it felt more and more like a black hole that was gonna suck the life out of me.

Jake was the man I wanted to come home to at the end of the day. Hell, scratch that, because we were supposed to go home together.

If this past year had shown me anything, it was that I had two choices. Either I kept my word—or whatever was left of it—to Sandra and spent the rest of my days a miserable man who only found solace in being a full-time dad. Or…I divorced Sandra and joined the long line of parents who saw their kids every other week, and maybe, just maybe, Jake and I could find happiness together.

I let out an unsteady breath and reached up, brushing my fingers along his jaw.

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead to mine.

“I don’t wanna be good anymore,” I admitted. “I can’t.”

Tension loosened in his shoulders, and he pressed his body against mine. “You’re always good, Roe.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t, but it didn’t matter. I chose him. I chose Jake.

I closed the last distance between us and brushed my lips to his. “Cancel your date, please.”

He nodded minutely and gathered my arms around his neck, and then he deepened the kiss. Finally, finally, finally. He had to be mine. I couldn’t fucking cope with the alternative. Our tongues met teasingly, like the sweetest fucking reunion. For once, neither of us was in a hurry. We needed each other’s affection a whole lot more than a quick fuck.

“Spell it out for me,” he murmured. “Tell me what changed. Tell me what you want. Lord knows I can’t fucking move on.”

I didn’t hold back.

I spoke in between languid kisses and took off his ball cap so I could get my fingers into his hair. “I wanna be happy with the love of my life. That’s what I want.”

He shivered and gave me the tightest hug, and I couldn’t help but smile into the kiss, ’cause Jake was gonna be Jake. He wanted a hand on my ass.

“I won’t leave her until she’s back on her feet, but she’s not my forever,” I said. “You are.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear. I can be patient.” He kissed his way down my neck, and I let out a breath as rivers of contentment flowed over all the aches. “I need time too. I gotta find the balls to confront my folks before I can put them behind me.”

I nodded and angled my face, wanting his lips on mine again. He complied, and we kissed hungrily, deeply, and tightened our holds on each other.

Mine, mine, mine.

He flicked the tip of his tongue against my upper lip. “I love you, by the way. I’m so fucking in love with you.”

I sucked in a breath as a surge of relief and unbridled joy coursed through me. Good luck wiping that smile off my face now.

I had a future again.

“It’s you and me,” I said. “It has to be.”

“I—yeah. That’s…” He took a breath and pressed our foreheads together. “I’ve been trying to come to grips with everythin’ so I can…you know. I’ve come out to a few people.”

I smiled and touched his cheek. He was downright adorable sometimes. “Yeah? Who? Aside from Greer…and I guess fuckin’ David.”

He chuckled silently, his eyes closed. “Yeah, those two. And Nikki and Joel.”

“Jesus—all your exes and admirers.”

“Your jealousy is givin’ me a much-needed ego boost, but you got nothin’a worry about.” He kissed me quickly. “Joel has his own issues. We’re just buddies—in a way. We text sometimes, that’s all.”

I was already relaxing, and I shook my head, because I didn’t want him to feel like he had to explain himself. “You don’t owe me an explanation—”

“I know, but I want to.” He opened his eyes again and cupped my face in his hands. “This past year since San Diego, we haven’t talked much. We see each other every day, but we’ve distanced ourselves from everything that might bring us closer. Does that make sense?”

Of-fucking-course it did. It was called self-preservation.

“You know it does,” I murmured.

“Right. So I don’t want that distance between us anymore.” He slipped his hands to the back of my neck and kissed my nose. Too fucking endearing. “You get me like nobody else does, Roe. You’re the one I wanna rant circles around when I can’t find the right words.”

I smiled, overwhelmed by how fucking light I felt for the first time in years. “I love you.”

He smiled back. “I love you too.”

Christ, what a high.

Maybe the hurt was finally over. Except for in my hand. My hand really fucking hurt.

“We have to get this place now,” I stated. “I’m emotionally invested. We already have memories.”

He grinned and let out a laugh. “I agree.”

Well, of course. We were the best duo America had ever seen.

* * *

God-fucking-dammit. I wrenched myself off the couch and winced as my whole body popped like a firecracker. I was thirty, not sixty.

Down the hall, the front door opened, and Sandra’s mom arrived. Right on time. Five in the goddamn morning.

I righted my sweats and tee, then left the living room to meet her.

She took one glance at me and sighed. “Did she kick you out of the bedroom again?”

Uh, yeah. But to be fair, I hadn’t really tried to fall asleep in there anyway. I’d just kept her company while she’d read Casper a bedtime story.

“It’s for the best these days,” I replied. Then I yawned and aimed for the coffeemaker. We had a big day ahead of us. September 29th marked the last interview Jake and I were doing for promotional reasons where Currahee was concerned, and it was our very own podcast. Nikki had hooked us up with the mother of all A-list actresses, who’d agreed to come on our show for a special episode.

While I waited for the coffee, I went to get dressed, and I made a half-assed attempt to tame my hair. Cargo shorts, a nice tee, socks, brand-new All Stars. I was such a fashion icon.

I walked silently out of the bedroom, not wanting to wake up Sandra, and returned to the kitchen.

Kathryn had poured us coffee—mine in a to-go mug—and I thanked her.

“I prepared Adam’s and Callie’s meals,” I let her know. “Everything’s labeled in the fridge. Callie’s decided she doesn’t like oatmeal anymore, so the yogurt is for her. For lunch, there’s chicken soup from last night—and you know, if they protest too much, they still like formula. I usually give them a bottle at night—”

“Darling, breathe.”

Right. I took a breath. She fucking knew this. I didn’t know why I was explaining shit to her.

My stomach was a mess. “I think I’m nervous,” I admitted.

“No shit?” Kathryn could pull off both motherly smiles and less motherly smirks. Hell, I was pretty sure I liked my mother-in-law more than my wife. “Go wake up Casper. I’ll be ready when the twins cry out.”

I didn’t know what I’d do without her.

Or Casper, for that matter. He was so damn easy. He might turn four in a few weeks, but sometimes it felt like he was much older. With minimal fussing, he put on his clothes and expressed he wanted a cat or a dog for his birthday.

He just might get one.

“I say hi to Mommy after day care,” he confirmed firmly. As had become the tragic rule. My heart went out to him—and maybe I spoiled him a little bit because of…everything. But Sandra was making progress. I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t permanent. She took one baby step after another.

“That’s right. She’ll wanna know all about your day when you come home,” I told him.

Soon enough, we were in my SUV heading for MDR. I had nothing to worry about. Kathryn was there for the twins. Sandra could take all the breaks she needed.

Casper and I picked up breakfast on the way, and I thanked the drive-thru gods for speedy service. We couldn’t be late today.

“What toy did you bring for show-and-tell, sweetheart?” I asked in the rearview.

“Mr. Otterus again, cuz Aunt Nikki got him the cool scarf. I wanna show that.”

I smiled to myself. When I’d heard about Nikki picking up knitting, I’d found it funny. Wasn’t that a grandma hobby? Jake’s Grandma Josephine knitted—she’d just sent new hats and mittens for the twins. But apparently it was cool for younger people too.

“Are you flying tonight, Daddy?”

“No, on Tuesday. So after the weekend,” I replied. “You’re gonna have a fun sleepover with Aunt Haley and Aunt Nikki while Uncle Jake and I hopefully win an award or two.”

“And Wussell also? He bring the funny donuts?”

I grinned. Russell was forever gonna be the donut guy now. It wasn’t often he joined us, but he fit in well, I had to admit. “I’m sure he will bring the funny donuts,” I assured. The man had never arrived without a box if the kids were around. Clever approach, obviously. Get introduced to your girlfriend’s kids and bring mini-donuts with cartoons on them.

Casper and I arrived at the office a few minutes till six, and we weren’t the only ones. A sleepy Jake was coming up the sidewalk with two equally sleepy kiddos. Sam was still in her PJs, but her brother was ready for school.

My boy jumped out of the SUV and left the driveway in a rush. “Hi!”

“Hi, Cas!” Sam greeted.

I joined them once I’d grabbed the food and locked up.

A sleepy Jake was a sexy Jake.

“Mornin’, you two.” He ruffled Casper’s hair and sent me a quick smile. “Haley’s on her way. She has our suits.”

Great or whatever. I wasn’t nervous.

“Kids, you can go wash your hands.” I hauled out my keys and opened the door. “Breakfast in the kitchen in two minutes.”

“Okay, we hurry!” Sam yelled, already sprinting down the hall.

Don’t hurry too much.

The second Jake and I were alone in the hallway, we met halfway and kissed hard. We took every opportunity we got.

“Morning, baby,” he whispered.

I sighed with all the longing I had within me. “Morning, love. Three more days.” And then we’d have a couple days just the two of us.

“I can’t fucking wait.” He nipped at my jaw before he stole the breakfast bag and left for the kitchen.

Probably for the best. We didn’t wanna risk anything.

Our breakfast routine went off without a hitch, and Jake and I multitasked while the children ate and rambled about school and day care. Colin and Casper both had October birthdays, so that was obviously a hot topic as well.

Jake was giving Colin his first camera.

By the time Haley arrived, I had prepared everything in the studio—coffee, juice, more breakfast food—and Jake had brought in the newspapers and helped Sam with her clothes for the day.

“Is she here yet?” Haley asked.

“No,” I chuckled. “Heed Nikki’s warning. Don’t act like a fangirl.”

Jake and I were a little better, though even I could admit we’d never had a star like Sophie Wright on our show. The world knew her as Sophie Pierce, A-list actress and Hollywood sweetheart. She was married to Tennyson Wright, an Oscar-winning director.

Jake and I had interviewed Asher Wright once, Tennyson’s brother, and that was how Nikki had come into contact with Asher’s wife, Brooklyn. Nowadays, Nikki put makeup on movie stars, and Sophie was one of them.

“Daddy, can we watch TV before we go?” Colin asked.

“Sure thing, buddy.” Jake was inspecting his suit in the garment bag. “You think I can pull this off at the award ceremony?”

Colin snickered. “I don’t know. You don’t like suits.”

“My daddy’s gonna be on TV!” Casper announced.

“Mine too,” Colin said with a duh-tone.

Cute.

Sam scrunched her nose. “They on TV all the time.”

“Uncle Cullen says only on nerd channels,” Casper supplied helpfully.

Jake and I exchanged an amused look.

“Don’t listen to Uncle Cullen, son,” I chuckled. “He can’t even spell Discovery Channel.”

Our serious debate was interrupted by the doorbell ringing, and Haley emerged from the kitchen to usher the kids to the playroom. Jake got the door, and I wished the kids a great day. If I knew Haley, she was gonna speed back after dropping the kids off, just so she’d get the chance to meet Sophie herself.

I’d spoken to Sophie on the phone yesterday, and I’d assured her it was a casual show; she was welcome to turn up in pajamas if she wanted to. That didn’t happen, of course. But I was pleasantly surprised to find a woman who didn’t go all out with glitz and glamour. She looked comfortable in her yoga wear.

She was very pretty, and she had one of those kind smiles you immediately relaxed around.

“Oh, I wouldn’t miss it!” she said. Jake was acing the small-talk section with her. “My husband and brother-in-law are big fans of Off Topic.”

I swooped in and extended my hand. “I’m Roe—we spoke on the phone yesterday. It’s an honor to meet you.”

“Hey, right back at you. You don’t exactly need to introduce yourselves anymore.” She grinned and shook my hand. “I got hooked on your Travel Back series. But I did watch all episodes of Currahee yesterday to prepare myself, and my God, I really hope you win next week. It was incredibly poignant.”

Fuck me, I might be blushing.

Our work being described as poignant?

We’d come a long way since Nomads.

I caught Jake glancing at his watch, so I figured it was time we moved to the studio. Sophie was well-prepared, and she thought our idea for today’s episode was fun. She took her seat next to Jake at our table, and I took mine behind my laptop.

“Okay, so just get comfortable and dig in to whatever you might like,” I said. We had our traditional Friday donuts, croissants, yogurt, all that crap I wasn’t allowed to eat anymore.

“Don’t mind if I do.” Sophie placed a donut on a napkin and grabbed a glass of juice. “Out of curiosity, has anyone else done what I’m about to do?”

“Nope.” Jake shook his head, a little amused.

Sophie was triumphant. “Fuck yeah, that means I get bragging rights.”

Okay, we liked her a lot.

I was a little embarrassed to admit I hadn’t looked up how old she was, but she didn’t appear to be a day older than thirty-five. Nikki had shared stories about how down-to-earth Sophie was on movie sets, and I didn’t doubt that after meeting her.

A couple minutes before seven AM, we got down to business, and Sophie rehearsed her lines to herself for a quick moment. She seemed like a natural. At the very least, she’d had a lifetime of practice in Hollywood.

I adjusted my headphones and took a swig of my coffee, and then I counted down silently. Everything was up and running. Camera on, sound good, our intro cued.

I nodded to Sophie when we were on.

She took a big bite of her donut, surprising both Jake and me, before she spoke with her mouth full. “You’re Off Topic with Roe Finlay and Jake Denver! I’m Sophie Pierce, and Roe and Jake are looking at me like I’ve grown a second head. Good morning, Los Angeles! And the world.”

I burst out a laugh, and Jake wasn’t far behind.

“I daresay that’s the best opening we’ve ever had,” Jake chuckled.

I nodded in full agreement. “Amen. Welcome to today’s episode of Off Topic, everyone. We’ve mixed things up a bit today because Seth, our office daddy, ordered us to agree to at least ten interviews for the dog and pony show that is award season.”

Jake took over from there. “We’ve been on six talk shows and three morning shows—not to mention the podcasts and magazine interviews we’ve braved as introverts. Okay, I’m the introvert. Roe’s the clown. But nevertheless, we’re short one interview, so that’s what today is all about.”

“And who better to interview us than Hollywood A-lister Sophie Pierce?” I asked.

“That’s me,” Sophie provided, retrieving her phone. “I’m just gonna jump right in as I send this shout-out to my Instagram. Because, y’all. I watched all four episodes of Currahee yesterday, and if these guys don’t bring home any Emmys this year, something is wrong. It’s so good. My kids came up and asked me why I was bawling my eyes out, and I told them it was Jake and Roe’s fault.”

I grinned and shook my head.

I reckoned it was safe to say we’d get good numbers today.

* * *

The following Tuesday, for the first time ever, I had Haley, Nikki, and Jake at my condo at the same time. Well, technically, they were waiting downstairs on the street, but still.

Casper was buzzing with excitement as we took the elevator down. He had his backpack on—and a tight grip on his little rollaboard case.

I tightened my hold on the twins’ car seats. Adam was napping, and Callie was chewing on her foot.

“Sleepover, sleepover, sleepover,” Cas whispered to himself and shook his butt in the mirror.

I grinned. “Hey, buddy?”

He looked up at me with his own grin.

“I love you,” I said.

He giggled and shook his butt again. “I love youuuuu. Sleepover!”

That boy. Fucking hell, he made my heart happy.

The sun had just set as we exited the building, and Casper rushed over to Nikki’s SUV. “Hi, Aunt Nikki! Hi, Aunt Haley! I’m ready for sleepover!”

“Hiii, sweetheart. Good, because so are we. We’re gonna have so much fun.” Nikki swooped him up and grabbed the rollaboard from him. “You see Uncle Jake over there?” She pointed to the next truck, where Jake waited with a smile and a two-finger wave. “Tell him we’re gonna turn his house upside down.”

Casper laughed madly. “We gon’ make a mess!”

“I’ll make you clean up soon as Daddy and I come home,” Jake threatened playfully.

They all made my heart happy. These were my people. My family.

Haley helped me fasten the twins’ seats in the back of Nikki’s car, and I smooched their foreheads gently. I would miss them, but I knew they were in good hands.

Before long, the ladies wished us all the luck for the awards, and then they were off to pick up Colin and Sam at Nikki’s place. Her mom was in town, so everyone was getting spoiled for dinner.

“You look tired, darlin’,” Jake said.

I blew out a breath. I didn’t come closer, ’cause I had to go upstairs again. “I’ll tell you all about it on the plane. I’m just gonna grab my bag and probably get into another fight with Sandra.”

He winced and smiled sympathetically. “Take your time.”

I nodded with a dip of my chin and reluctantly returned upstairs.

With no kids around, I didn’t have to worry about them hearing anything, and that meant a lot to me.

I found Sandra in the kitchen, wearing one of my hoodies while she hauled out leftovers from the fridge.

She tossed me a disinterested glance over her shoulder. “I thought you left.”

“When did I ever leave without saying goodbye?”

She shrugged and closed the fridge door.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure why I didn’t just grab my bag and hightail it. But I guessed a part of me still wanted to leave on a good note. This past year had been wrong on so many levels. Her depression turned my protectiveness into exclusion, my comfort into belittling, and my empathy into pity. It didn’t matter what I said or did. She reacted badly. She twisted my every action.

“At least my kids are happy now that they don’t have to spend the week with me,” she said.

I stiffened and bit my tongue. She was just trying to provoke me.

“And before you try to act like my fucking dad again, yes, I’m taking my medication,” she added.

I folded my arms over my chest and watched her put a plate of something in the microwave. “Can you try to see my side, Sandra? If I left you alone with the kids this week, you’d be overwhelmed in no time. All the progress you’ve made—I mean, even Dr. Carlson said—”

“Stop talking to me like I’m a goddamn child, Roe!” she yelled. She even stomped her foot. “I know I’m fucking useless, okay? I can’t take care of them. I can’t bond with Adam and Callie. I can’t—I c-can’t—” She started falling apart, so I hurried over to her and hugged her to me.

She sobbed against my chest and gripped my hoodie.

“You’re not useless, you hear me?” I spoke quietly but firmly. I’d tell her a million times—I probably had already. “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself, honey—”

“Stop it!” she cried, shoving me away. “I don’t wanna hear it! God—I can’t even look at you.” She sobbed into her hands instead, and I stood there, fucking helpless.

We came back to this every damn time. She couldn’t look at me, she couldn’t be near me, she wanted me to move out. Because she was bitter and jealous—she’d confessed in therapy. She saw me handling the kids with “such ease,” which was bullshit. I was exhausted. I cried in my fucking car. I’d fucked up the temperature on the formula. I’d let Adam roll off the couch. I’d burned their food. I’d caused countless diaper rashes. And I kept telling her, but she wouldn’t listen.

I swallowed hard. No matter how broken we were as a married couple, her being in pain hurt me too. She was the mother of our children, and Casper missed her.

She whimpered and wiped at her cheeks. “Why are you still here? Why are we still doing this?”

I frowned.

“Have we ever been truly happy, Roe?”

Whoa. That…came from somewhere else. I mean, that wasn’t just postpartum depression, was it? She was talking about our entire marriage.

“What is it that you want, exactly?” I asked.

She sniffled and began crying again. “I don’t know. I just… This wasn’t what I envisioned when we got married.”

That made two of us.

“Your family will never be mine.” She went over to the counter and grabbed a paper towel to wipe her nose. “Mine will never be yours. Your friends—Christ. It always feels forced to hang out with them. You certainly aren’t fond of my girlfriends. We’re so different. I don’t care about your boring documentaries, and I don’t get your stupid inside jokes—”

“I get it, I get it, we’re different.” Okay, I got irritated. “Sandra, you can only shove me out the door so many times before I actually leave. If you want me gone, say it one more time. Or, we can get through this as parents, and then decide when you feel better. We gotta put the children first.”

“Something that comes naturally to you because you’re the best dad ever,” she laughed humorlessly. “Fine. We’ll decide when I feel better, as if that’s ever gonna happen.”

I suppressed a sigh and scrubbed a hand over my face.

We weren’t gonna get any further than this today, so I turned around and walked out. I picked up my duffel in the hallway, and I paused with the door open.

“Call me if you need anything. I’ll be home on Saturday.”

She didn’t reply.

I took the elevator down again, feeling like I’d just put myself through a boxing match. Under other circumstances, I would’ve asked for a divorce already. Lord knew I wanted to get on with my life. But I’d unlock a whole other level of guilt if I walked out on her in this state. Whether she admitted it or not, she needed my help—and with more than just our sons and daughter. I paid the bills, I ordered groceries, I reminded her of birthdays and appointments, and the list went on.

I’d given up on two things, cleaning and cooking. We had a cleaning service that came twice a month, and we ordered in more than we used to.

I’d become decent at doing laundry, though. And a champ at mopping up whatever the kids threw on the floor.

Jake started the engine when he spotted me, and I threw my duffel in the back before I got in next to him.

Next stop, LAX. We had a Skype meeting in the lounge before our flight. Ortiz and Seth were already in New York, a couple other guys were flying in from Seattle, and Martina was arriving from Boston.

“Do I wanna know?” Jake asked quietly.

I shook my head and threaded our fingers together. “I’m just so damn tired.”

He squeezed my hand. “We’ll get there.”

Yeah. One day.

* * *

Jake and I had discovered last time we’d attended the Emmy Awards that the red-carpet event was everything the actual ceremony wasn’t. As in, full of life and energy.

Of course, the News & Documentary version of the Emmy Awards didn’t have the same oomph in the media coverage, but it was still a major show. And then everyone was seated inside Lincoln Center—all thousand-plus people of us—and we had four hours of sitting down in uncomfortable chairs to look forward to.

It was a grand concert hall, with balconies and everything. Thankfully, we weren’t seated up there. We were pretty far back on the main fl—

“Take a breath, Denver.” Martina put a hand on Jake’s knee and smiled knowingly.

Oh—he’d been bouncing his knee. He did that sometimes.

“My bad,” Jake chuckled and adjusted his tie.

I wanted to grab his hand or something. I knew he was nervous.

I was too.

Curraheewas nominated in three categories, and if we just won the award for Outstanding Editing, I’d be happy. I’d be over the moon. Because the editing had pretty much shot our project straight to the stars, and it was mostly Jake’s work. He’d poured all of himself into making sure every second was perfect. Weaving an intricate tale between the horrific trauma the men and women we’d interviewed had lived through, the interview segments, the contrasts between the hope and determination the people had personified before tragedy had struck…and the desolation they faced when everything was over. Currahee didn’t wrap things up on a happy note. Each portrait landed in a “This is what we’re dealing with” sort of way, with first responders and home-coming veterans facing depression, anxiety, addiction, standing in line for care, jumping through hoops to get welfare—and the ones whose family members didn’t make it home or lost their battle along the way.

Jake and our team of editors had turned the project into one hell of a call to action.

My nervousness grew as the presenter mentioned outstanding editing, but it was for a news story. If I remembered correctly, there were nearly fifty statuettes being handed out, so it was gonna be a long night.

At one point, Jake grabbed my hand in a tight hold, and it loosened something inside me. Fuck it, we were two creators incredibly proud of our work, and we’d walked a long road to get here. I squeezed his hand and didn’t let go.

Deep breaths.

Each category made me lose hope just a little, because this was the big leagues. Everyone here tonight had worked their ass off, whether they had interviewed a president, filmed in Syria, or edited a nature documentary.

Then we were finally moving on to documentaries, and Jake and I straightened a bit in our seats. Come on, editing. Jake deserved this so much.

So focused on the damn editing award, I was taken aback to suddenly see Currahee as one of the nominees for Outstanding Social Issue. I tensed up, and Jake held my hand harder. If editing was his field, this was mine. My research, my groundwork, my interviews.

Holy fuck.

“And the Emmy goes to…Currahee—”

“Oh my God.” I didn’t even know who said it, but a flurry of activity erupted around our seats, and people applauded. Jake and I stared at each other—we fucking won? Holy shit, holy shit! Martina beamed at us and urged us to stand the fuck up. Right, right, right, we had to go down there and, yeah, right, we were going.

“Accepting the award, Roe Finlay and Jake Denver, producers, directors.”

Oh my fucking God, my brain was spinning. Now I actually had to use the speech we’d written? We had too many important names to remember to be able to just wing it. My mouth felt dry as Jake and I walked down the aisle to get to the stage, my heart was threatening to pound its way out of my chest.

Thank fuck it wasn’t a long speech.

Okay, get your shit together and unfrazzle your nerves.

Jake accepted the award, and I cleared my throat and brought out the speech card from my inner pocket. Then we were standing at the podium with a million spotlights aimed our way, and I couldn’t fucking believe it.

“Thank you,” I said into the mic. “Jake and I want to thank Manuel Ortiz for believing in us from day one—for pushing us, for setting up appointments with networks behind our backs.” We got a little laugh at that, and I grinned. “To Seth, Martina, CJ, Yasmin, Emily, Haley, Jason, and our families. To the whole team behind Currahee. We have so many amazing and talented people whose hard work and support make us love heading into the office every morning. Thank you.”

I stepped aside so Jake could deliver the last bit.

He cleared his throat and placed a hand on my back. “Most of all, we want to thank the veterans and the first responders who shared their stories with us. As we face this mental health crisis, we want your voices to be heard. We don’t want you to fight alone. Thank you very much. It was an honor to work with y’all.”

I released a breath, and we glanced at each other.

It’s you and me.

Two scrappy condor chicks testing their wings…

It sure felt like we were flying now.