Chapter 4

ART IS EMOTION

Why was Nolan's email address saving to Magnus's phone contact?

I'd just hit send on the image, shooting it over to Nolan.

I went to add Nolan's email to my contact list on my phone and it had automatically saved to Magnus's contact instead. I deleted it from there and created a new contact, ignoring the pop up when my phone prompted me to merge Nolan's and Magnus's contacts.

I didn't want to get the two of them mixed up.

[Private Message] Nolan: I can't believe you drew that.

I chewed on a fingernail as I read the message. That didn't sound like he liked it.

[Private Message] Alexandria: I just like doodling in class. It helps me pay attention. I can't really hear the teacher otherwise.

[Private Message] Nolan: I really love it. You're a good artist.

My character was still in his private house when I logged on. He was already on, so our characters were sitting in the same room, doing nothing.

[Private Message] Nolan: What did you have for dinner?

I wanted to start emoting, to do the whole hair brushing behind my ear thing and see where that would go, but apparently he just wanted to chat out of character.

[Private Message] Alexandria: My little sister was hungry, so I made some pasta with butter.

[Private Message] Nolan: Your mom didn't make dinner? What about veggies or meat or things like that? Or sauce? Just butter and pasta?

I hesitated.

His questions were weird.

Why would my mom make dinner?

She was snoring in her bed right now, sleeping off the Mountain Dew and vodka. My dad wouldn't be home until at least 10pm. He either came home before sunset or after we all went to bed, and on his late work nights we all made sure to be in bed before he got home. It was better that way. He was really stressed when he worked late, which was a lot of the time.

[Private Message] Alexandria: I like butter.

I didn't like this conversation. I wanted to change it.

The best part about playing in the game was that I could make anything happen. All I had to do was type out what I wanted my character to do and she did it, without any of the stress and worry of real life.

[Room Emote] I walk over to Nolan and throw my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. I look up at him, smiling. "I really like spending time with you," I say, my eyes twinkling.

[Room Emote] Nolan runs his hands down your back, his fingers light before he presses his palms against the muscles of your back, pulling you tight against his body.

I sucked in a breath, shifting in my chair as I crossed one leg over the other. I licked my lips, not worrying about anything but exactly what I wanted to do, because in this fantasy world I could do anything.

Maybe I could do anything in the real world, too.

[Room Emote] I move my hands up Nolan's back, feeling the muscles in his back built from years of wielding sword and magic, the erector spinae firm on either side of his spine.

[Private Message] Nolan: Lol, what did you get on the Anatomy AP test?

[Private Message] Alexandria: 5 out of 5.

[Private Message] Nolan: That's hot.

My cheeks were so warm I thought they'd catch on fire. I shifted in my seat again, savoring that same pleasant burning between my legs. For the millionth time, I wished the only computer with a full keyboard I had access to wasn't in a family room, and instead was in the room I shared with my sister. There I could kick her out for a little bit, but here I couldn't stop anyone from walking up on me.

[Room Emote] Nolan's hand goes to your chin, tilting your face up as his eyes search yours.

[Room Emote] My lips part as I widen my eyes, wondering what he is doing.

[Room Emote] Nolan leans down, his lips a few inches from yours.

He was going to kiss me!

I bit my lip and my fingers flew over the keyboard.

[Room Emote] I lick my lips and wait, my heart beating in my chest.

[Room Emote] Nolan pulls his head back, searching your eyes for something.

Wait, he didn't kiss me. Why didn't he kiss me?

[Private Message] Alexandria: What are you doing?

[Private Message] Nolan: What are you doing?

What kind of answer was that? Ugh! All I wanted was for his character to kiss my character, and he was playing some sort of game. Except we were playing a game.

Fuck it.

[Room Emote] "Why aren't you kissing me?" I demand, my eyes flashing as I glare at Nolan for playing weird games with me.

[Room Emote] "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to," Nolan replies. "That's why I got close and waited to see if you would close the distance. It's not polite to kiss a woman without being sure that is what she wants."

What kind of absolute bullshit was that?

He was supposed to ravage me!

Ugh I was going to have to get this going myself.

[Room Emote] I reach up and thread my fingers into Nolan's hair, my fingers sliding carefully in between his curls as I stand up on the balls of my feet, pulling his head down towards mine.

[Room Emote] Nolan crushes you against him, lifting you off your feet as he devours you, his fragile restraint broken as his lips find yours.

Yes!

The front door slammed shut with a heavy thud.

I flinched and glanced at the clock on the computer, the excitement in my body turning into dread as I realized how late it was.

"Why aren't you in bed?" my father demanded from the archway that led from the front family room to the front door.

"I'm sorry dad," I said, frantically typing. "I'm going right now."

[Private Message] Alexandria: I have to go.

I logged off and closed the app as my dad stomped toward me to look over my shoulder, his body hovering over me like a black cloud, encroaching on my personal space.

"What are you doing on there?" he demanded, his voice heavy and threatening. I could tell he was looking for something to be upset about.

"I was just talking to my friends." I launched out of the chair on the opposite side, trying to dart around him, but he turned to block my path.

"You can't be staying up late chatting with your friends," he snapped.

"I understand and I'm sorry," I repeated, looking at the ground as I hunched my shoulders.

He threw his briefcase down on the couch and pointed a finger at me.

"I work too hard for this family for you to disobey me!" His voice grew louder as he spoke, and I shrank downward, trying to look smaller as I backed up. "What kind of worthless children do I have? You know what I found this morning? Do you?"

I shook my head, keeping silent. Saying anything would upset him more.

"I found your application to Yale, the one you told me you had sent in!" he shouted.

I had hidden that in the back of my shirt drawer.

"Why were you digging through my stuff?" I asked, forgetting to make myself smaller as I glared at him.

"You told me you sent that in!" He ignored my question. "You lied to me! This is what I get for letting your worthless mother fill your head with her trash books."

"Her books aren't trash!" I clenched my hands at my sides, forgetting that I needed to stay meek, to stay silent, to do what I'd done many times over and over. That anger in me, the anger that matched the one in him, raised its ugly head. It lashed out, fast as a snake, and my next words came out as a scream. "YOU'RE TRASH!"

My dad's face turned dark red, the vein in his forehead standing out.

He turned and put both of his hands on the computer.

No, oh no.

"Don't!" I shouted, backing away even as I put out my hands like I could stop what was going to happen through sheer force of will.

The computer hit the ground with a crash, its momentum aided with the full force of a man emulating a silverback gorilla in a dominance rage, imposing his version of reality on others through the physical manifestation of his stress fueled anger.

We both stared at the results.

My dad let out a strangled sound and left the room.

I stood there looking at the broken remnants of the computer.

I took a deep breath.

I couldn't cry here.

That thought floated through my head as I took another deep breath. It wasn't ever safe to cry here. I could hear my dad muttering to himself in the other room. He was past the danger point, and he wasn't going to do anything else if we left him alone. After a few minutes he'd calm down, and he would have a look on his face that I associated with him regretting his actions, but he never said it out loud.

He never apologized.

He just continued on as if all were forgiven.

I went into my room, laid down on my bed, and curled into a ball.

I cried silently.

A little while later my mom came in.

"Lumi, your father is very upset," she said.

"I'm upset," I muttered.

"Your father is very sorry for his actions," she continued. "But you can't lie to us. You were supposed to send in your college applications. You said you would. Did you submit any of them?"

If he was sorry, why was my mom always apologizing to me, and I was always apologizing to him? He didn't care at all.

"I have an application in," I replied. "I have an admissions interview after graduation."

"I thought all the interviews were over," she said. "What college does one that late?"

"I didn't mean to lie to you." I sat up and put a hand on her shoulder. "I just didn't want to send in applications to places I didn't want to go. If I got into Yale, Dad would insist I went there. I want to go somewhere else."

She sighed.

"He doesn't want to let you go to prom, but I've talked him out of it," she said. "Just, don't lie about anything else, okay?"

How could I, when telling the truth wasn't a safe thing to do?

"Okay, Mom," I lied.