28 I Can’t Be This Person for You

28

i can’t be this person for you

Danielle

“We should have left earlier,” I say as we inch through the security line. Noah and Ethan are quietly watching me internally melt down over the stupidity of the people in front of us who apparently have never been in an airport security line before. The TSA officer has repeated twenty times the instructions to remove shoes and belts before getting to the metal detector, and we seem to be the only people listening.

“Mom, it’s fine,” Ethan says. “You’re shaking, like uncontrollably. Chill out.”

I hear our flight being called. “Shit.”

“We’re going to make it,” Noah says. “It’s gate thirty-five, it’s like twenty feet away. I can see it from here. Stop freaking out, Mom.”

“?’Scuse me,” I say to the security agent. “They’re calling us.”

“Come on,” she waves us over. She funnels us into a priority line and we’re through security in a minute .

I hear our names again. “Let’s just carry our shoes,” I say as I begin jogging toward the gate.

When we make it to the jetway, the male gate attendant at the podium says, “Danielle, Ethan, and Noah, I take it?”

“Are we really the last ones?” Ethan asks.

“Yep. You made it by the skin of your teeth,” the gate attendant says with a smile. We walk briskly down the jetway and onto the plane.

I can see Alex in an aisle seat toward the middle of the cabin. His head is back. He’s sleeping already… asshole .

“There’s one seat next to Dad, or one next to me all the way in the back. Who wants what?” I say. The boys hate making these kinds of decisions. They’re sensitive and feel like they’re in a constant state of choosing sides. They don’t respond. “Eenie, meenie, miney, Noah you sit next to Dad so you can ask him about the skateboard decks in the garage.”

“Okay,” Noah says.

As I get to the aisle where Alex is, I intentionally bump his shoulder. He opens his eyes and looks up at me. “You’re so late,” he says. “They kept calling your name. I texted you a million times.”

“A million times, huh? Is that a lie or an exaggeration?”

“Shh, we don’t have time to fight right now,” he says.

He stands to help put Noah’s carry-on in the overhead compartment. “It must be nice to only have to pack for one person,” I say.

He shakes his head. “You would have been late even if you were alone.”

I smile condescendingly at him and he smiles back. “Your insults no longer bother me. Isn’t that weird?”

“You better get in your seat before you get us all kicked off this plane. Why’d you book this insane flight anyway? ”

“Because I had some work to do this morning. You could have gone with Kate,” I say as I walk away. He is right about the flight. I wasn’t thinking when I booked it. We’re leaving LAX at 7:30 p.m. , then a four-hour layover in Denver. We won’t get into Vail until almost 1 a.m .

Alex and I haven’t really been bickering lately, but it still annoys me that he has the nerve to criticize something I did for him as a favor. When I get to my seat, I text him.

ME: Alex, you could have booked your own flight, or offered to take the boys since you’re not working at all this week. Or you could have gone with Kate. Any number of scenarios, but instead you let me take care of it and now you’re complaining.

He doesn’t respond. Ethan and I put our earbuds in and fall asleep on each other’s shoulders.

I wake up as I feel the plane descending into Denver. “Wake up, Ethan, we’re gonna land soon.”

He yawns groggily and stretches his arms. “I’m starving,” he says.

“We’ll get something in the airport. We have four hours to kill.”

As Ethan and I exit the jetway, we see Alex and Noah waiting for us. “I’m so hungry,” Noah whines.

“Here.” I start to get money out of my wallet and then stop. “Are you hungry, Alex?” It’s a habit to ask about his needs and I wonder if I will ever kick it. It’s like wanting a cigarette when I drink even though I haven’t smoked in twenty years.

“No. I had a big dinner before the flight.” He’s expressionless.

I hand Noah forty dollars. “Get something for yourselves that’s semi-healthy, please. Don’t leave this terminal. ”

“What are you gonna eat?” Alex says.

Since when does he care? I turn to Ethan. “Grab me a sandwich or something, you know what I like,” I say. The boys start to walk away. “We’ll be right here,” I say, and then look at Alex. “Well, I will anyway. You can go do whatever you want.”

“No, I’ll sit here with you.”

“We have four hours,” I say.

He points to the small airport bar behind me. “Wanna go have a drink?”

“With you?” I say.

He rolls his eyes. “No, by yourself.”

“I could go for a glass of wine, I guess.”

We walk over and find two stools at the bar. We’re close enough to the gate that we’ll be able to see the boys come back.

“This is a huge airport. Do they have their phones? Knowing Ethan, he won’t stop until he finds exactly what he’s craving.”

“Yeah, they have their phones. They’re fine, and they have plenty of time to dillydally,” I say.

Alex smiles. “You’ve loosened up a lot with them.”

I can feel a scowl forming on my forehead. “I was never a helicopter mom. Anyway, they’re thirteen and fourteen now and Noah is an inch taller than me. I can’t really boss them around anymore.”

The bartender comes over. “What can I get you two?” he says.

“Separate tabs,” Alex jokes.

“Are you serious? You’re not gonna buy me a drink, Alex?”

“I’ll have that IPA on tap and whatever she wants,” Alex says.

“I’ll have the most expensive wine by the glass, please,” I say in a singsongy voice.

The bartender laughs. He’s attractive, also probably almost twenty years younger than me, but who cares, I’m still going to flirt with him.

“You two know each other, I take it?” he says.

“He’s my ex-husband.” I say the ex loudly and add a wink. The bartender laughs again.

Alex is smiling and shaking his head. When the bartender walks away, Alex clears his throat and sits up straight. It’s a self-conscious movement, which is rare for him.

“I always imagined you’d go for a silver-fox type,” he says.

“If you’re saying that because Lars is all gray, that is ridiculous.”

“I actually ran into him earlier today. He told me you guys are working together again.”

I want to respond, but I also want to see where Alex is going. “Oh yeah?” I say.

“I met his husband,” Alex says in a cool tone.

I laugh through my nose. “I didn’t know either. Would it have made a difference?”

“I don’t think so.” He’s looking right into my eyes.

“Me neither,” I say. “So, where did you see them?”

“Eataly.”

My knee-jerk reaction is to say, You went there without me? That’s our thing, but I hold my tongue. I’m sure he went with Kate. “Nice.”

The bartender brings the drinks over. “I like your tattoo,” I tell him, but I actually don’t. I’m trying to act like I don’t care that Alex took Kate to my favorite place in the world.

“Thanks,” the bartender says.

“What time are you off?” I wiggle my eyebrows and then burst out laughing. “I’m kidding, I’m sorry.” The guy knows he’s hot, so he’s not offended .

He and Alex are both laughing now. “I don’t know that I’ve ever waited on a divorced couple before. This has definitely made my day more entertaining, so thank you.”

“Dani, always trying to get a laugh,” Alex says.

My smile disappears. “Alex, always being the joke police.”

Alex takes an audible breath and lets it out, before forcing a smile. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I said on the plane earlier too. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s fine. Clearly this was a dumb flight to choose. I just wanted to get as much done at home as I could. I figured we could sleep a little on the plane.”

“It’s fine. And I’m happy you’re working with Lars. You guys make a phenomenal writing team.” Alex glances to the bartender. “So, younger for you, Dani?”

“Pot, kettle, Alex.”

“She’s thirty, ” he says.

“She was a baby when we got married,” I ping back.

“Not a baby, a teenager,” he says. “And she’s not dumb.”

I look behind me jokingly to see who Alex is talking to. “No one said she was?”

“Yeah, but I know exactly how you think.”

I’ve already downed the glass of wine and motioned for the bartender to bring me another. “Oh yeah. Alex the mind reader? I don’t think she’s dumb. I don’t care what she is. What I do know is that Thanksgiving was a little soon for that sort of thing, and I’m sorry, but it’s weird that she’s going to be at this wedding. I’m trying to be objective, I’m only thinking about the boys and her son. Believe it or not, I do want you to be happy.”

He huffs and then settles into a slouch. It’s resignation. “I know you do. To be honest, I wish I would have put more thought into the Thanksgiving thing, because that led to this. ”

I can’t believe he’s apologizing and admitting it was a bad move. I don’t want to spoil his guilt streak by rubbing it in, he’ll just get defensive. “I don’t know about her kid, but through this whole thing, I know our boys will be fine. Thank god they’re smart…and nice. They understand things that I didn’t understand at their age. Things I didn’t understand until I was forty,” I say with a laugh.

“I know.” He pauses and looks at me thoughtfully. “It’s mind-blowing how much I’ve learned from them. You got exactly what you worked so hard for, Dani…smart and kind kids.”

It’s a nice compliment and it definitely lightens the mood. “That’s not all I want for the boys though. What I really want is for them to know how to love, like really love. There’s happiness in it, I think. That’s what I care about. Their happiness.”

“You think love equals happiness?” he says.

“No. I think the act of loving does, the skill, the ability in it—practicing and refining it…you know?”

He nods. “Yeah,” he says in a quiet voice, but I know from his response that he’s still not grasping what I’m saying.

“I want them to know how to love well. It will bring more meaning to their lives,” I say. “I think we did for a long time, Alex. I think we still do, in many ways, it just looks different now.”

He opens his eyes wider. “I know what you mean. You do love them well, Dani. There’s no question about that. They’ve learned from you.”

“You too,” I say, and it’s true.

“Thank you for saying that.” His eyes are clear and pleading like he wants me to know he’s being real. “Dani, sometimes I think we loved each other so much that we hated what we were put through with the same level of energy. ”

“Maybe.” I’m starting to choke up. All I have to do is think about the fact that Kate will be at the wedding tomorrow and I snap out of it. “Let’s enjoy each other’s unique silence.”

He nods. A few moments pass. Alex and I know how to be next to each other without talking.

He looks at his phone and begins texting someone. “So, I guess you and Kate are serious, then?” I already know the answer, but I want the satisfaction of hearing him say it…though I doubt he will.

“Thanksgiving was a mistake, I told you that. The wedding invite was a mistake.”

“What are you saying?”

He puts his phone in his back pocket. He seems irritated. “I’m frustrated, Dani. With the situation. She told me she loved me.”

I’m not surprised, but he’s looking at me like I should be. “What did you say?”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“Be honest with her. That’s what you should do. She’s a single mom. The kid doesn’t even have a dad.”

As the bartender walks by, Alex says, “Can I get a whiskey?”

“That bad, huh?” the bartender jokes.

I laugh out loud, still slightly flirtatious.

“Subtle,” Alex says.

I shrug. “When in Rome.”

“I need to talk to Kate. It’s not that she’s acting jealous, but she’s texting nonstop like she thinks I should be giving her a play-by-play just because you and I are together.”

“Sounds like jealousy to me. What are you gonna say? She needs to get used to it…I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t know what to say. I have to think this over. She has a lot to offer someone. She’s beautiful and very sweet…and honestly, zero drama.” He opens his eyes wide to emphasize that part. It’s clearly a dig at me.

“So, she’s boring?” I say, knowing that sort of remark gets to Alex.

“What I’m saying is that she has a lot to offer someone!” he says loudly, drawing a few sets of eyes our way.

“Okay. Jesus.”

“Just not me,” he says in a low voice.

“Yikes. Looks like you got yourself into a little pickle.”

“Dani, please. I’m going to have to talk to Kate and let her down and it’s going to be hard. I don’t want to mess with her head, or that kid’s head.”

It hits me that I’m having a conversation with Alex about breaking up with his girlfriend. I finish my wine in one large gulp and stand. “I’m sorry, Alex. I can’t be this person for you. Thanks for the wine.” I leave the bar, find the boys, and commit myself to protecting my dignity for the rest of the trip.