24 I Don’t Know How I Feel

24

i don’t know how i feel

Danielle

It’s Monday morning and I’m headed into the office. A writer named Mirabel has become my work BFF. She’s standing near the outside of my office talking to Eli as I approach from the elevator. Work has been stressful, but it has also been a godsend.

“The lady of the hour,” Eli says.

“What’s going on?”

The pilot episode hasn’t aired yet, but the studio has seen it, along with four other episodes also in the can, as they say. The actors are all unknowns so there’s a lot of fear that the show will completely bomb. Mirabel is constantly reminding me that no one knew a single actor on Grey’s Anatomy when it premiered, and that’s gone like seventy-five thousand seasons.

They don’t look concerned, they look happy.

“Well, first of all, good morning, lovely. I hope you eat a cracker today, you look too skinny,” Mirabel says .

I wish everyone would stop commenting on my weight. “Come into my office,” I say.

They both follow me in and sit down in the chairs. Eli starts, “Okay, things going on today,” he says as he’s staring at a schedule on his phone. “The writers and cast will all be in at nine for a table read, which is in twenty minutes.”

“Great,” I say.

“They scheduled the pilot finally,” Mirabel says. “It’s airing February 14.”

“Ew.” I’m cringing internally. “Why Valentine’s Day? The show is like the antithesis of Valentine’s Day.”

“I don’t think so!” Eli says.

“It is,” I argue. “Are they trying to be ironic? The whole point of the show is that relationships don’t have to look like they did in 1908! The point of the show is that different arrangements work for different people. It’s not at all in line with some antiquated, consumer bullshit holiday!”

“Calm down,” Mirabel says. “You’re shaking.”

I take a deep breath. “I had too much coffee,” I say.

“Maybe they are trying to be ironic,” Eli says. “That would be sort of brilliant.”

“Let’s move on. What else?” I ask.

“That’s it,” Eli says as he starts to stand. “Oh, Lars might come in later.”

The thought makes me happy. Even though I’m still a little angry at Lars, I do actually miss him. “Fine,” I mumble.

Eli leaves the room. “So what’s up, how was your weekend?” Mirabel asks.

“Okay, I guess. I found out my ex-husband has a girlfriend and he’s gonna bring her to Thanksgiving.” I’m trying, unsuccessfully, to sound indifferent .

When I look up, Mirabel is smiling. She’s younger than me by a few years, not married, and has no kids. I actually don’t even know if she dates. I know she’s a workaholic, in good shape, a fantastic writer, but I’ve never gotten the sense that she has much of a personal life. It kind of feels like she lives at the office. We go to lunch a couple of times a week, but she mostly talks about the show and listens to me gab about my life.

“How do you feel about it?” she says.

“I’m trying not to care. I just don’t want my kids to be affected, you know?” I notice how pretty Mirabel looks today. She has an Eva Mendes thing about her and now I’m wondering where her Ryan Gosling is. “What about you? You never talk about your life. Do you date?”

“No, I’m divorced. It’s been seven years,” she says matter-of-factly. “Since then, I haven’t been interested.”

I wonder for a moment if that’s how I’ll be in seven years.

“I had no idea,” I say. You’d think she would have brought itup when I was talking about my divorce. “So, what happened?”

“What happened was that I didn’t want kids and he did. That’s basically it. I kind of let it go because I didn’t feel like it was fair of me to keep him from having a family.”

“You didn’t talk about it before you got married?”

“I don’t think I knew. I don’t remember having a conversation about it with him,” she says, “though if we did talk about it when we were first together, I probably would have said I wanted kids. But then I saw all my friends with their kids and…I knew it just wasn’t for me.”

“So, does your ex have a family now?”

“Yep, three kids, nice wife, the whole bit. But this isn’t about me. Just now I was thinking how you’re completely in denial about your feelings, Dani, and that’s why I was smiling. I was there once. Of course it must irk you that Alex has a girlfriend and that he’s bringing her to Thanksgiving.”

“Would you be shocked to hear, though, that I want him to date? I want him to have a girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“So he can see what he lost,” I say, and it’s the truth. I know Alex inside and out. I know our problems had nothing to do with personality. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved me. We didn’t make it, that’s all. I hope he’ll at least be able to look back and not hate me. I hope he’ll realize we had something special.

“Well, hello.” I hear the familiar deep soulful sound of Lars’ voice. He’s in the doorway. Mirabel knows him from a show they worked on together years ago. She stands, hugs him, and says, “Hi, Lars. I’ll leave you two for a chat.”

He walks all the way into my office, but doesn’t sit. Lars is a brilliant and attractive man—not in the universal way that Alex is attractive, more in how he carries himself. He’s tall, with completely gray, longish hair. A dead ringer for Mads Mikkelsen. Despite how attractive he is, I was never personally physically attracted to him. Maybe my body already knew something my brain didn’t.

“Hi,” I say. “Are you going to stand there staring at me, or do you want to have a seat?”

“I’m cataloging this shot…this memory. The view right now with you standing next to your desk, in your office… your own TV show poster behind you, D…it’s like I’m looking at a painting and it’s moving me…You did it, you really did it.”

“Always a way with words. Come here and hug me,” I say. We hug, and for a moment we’re back to ten years ago when we started working on his show. “It’s good to see you, Lars. Congratulations on your marriage. ”

“Thank you,” he says as he sits down. “Congratulations on your divorce.”

“Touché.” I sit down at my desk and say, “So…are you here to ask me for a job?”

“Eli pulled some strings and let me see an early cut of the pilot.”

“You’re kidding. I haven’t even seen it. I’ve only seen the dailies. How is this possible?” I ask.

“I don’t think he wants you to see it until all the garnishes have been added.”

“Ahh, that makes sense. Smart man.”

Lars better tell me what he thinks of the show before I have to ask. He knows whenever a writer has to ask, it’s a bad sign. And he surely knows I’m holding it together on the outside, but inside dying to know what he thinks.

My office is bare bones. It’s a writer’s office, not a designer’s. Aside from the poster on the wall, there are papers scattered and a few pictures on my desk. I have an open window that looks out onto the Warner Bros.’ backlot New York Street. Lars looks outside and stares like he’s in deep thought for moment before looking back at me.

“Is that where they shot Friends ?”

I laugh a little. He’s playing with me and I think I’m going to play along. “Yes, that’s where the Friends set was. Do you remember the logline for that show?”

“Tell me.”

“ It’s that time in your life when your friends are your family . Isn’t that just brilliant?”

“Where are you going with this, D?”

With feigned innocence I say, “Oh, I’m just saying…”

I’m referring to the day that I came up with the logline for Litigators, after Lars had written the pilot and we were about to pitch it to the studios. I had said, “I got it, It’s the only family of lawyers you actually want to know .” I remember Lars thought it was confusing and offensive, especially because the execs were probably all lawyers. I figured they would totally get the joke and think it was funny. I was right.

Lars and I are doing a dance right now. This is how we worked. He’s putting it together.

“One person can’t fulfill all your needs,” he says.

I smile widely. He’s guessing the logline for my show, Yours and Mine . He’s spot on. I’m burning up. When is he going to tell me what he thinks?

“D?”

“What?”

“You were always right, especially about the logline for Litigators .”

“Great.”

I can’t do this much longer.

“So…” he says.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out. His smirk is back.

“You’re an asshole, Lars.”

“The show is nothing short of phenomenal, it’s absolutely brilliant. You’re going to make superstars out of those eight actors and probably win yourself multiple Emmys in the process. You nailed it.”

My eyes well up. This feels like a parent telling me they’re proud of me. “You think so?”

“I know a thing or two about this business.” Then, his expression turns serious. “I’m sorry about everything I did and everything I didn’t do. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your mother was dying. ”

Now the tears are streaming down. “Lars—”

“Have you forgiven me enough to let me write you an episode?”

“Of course.” I get up and walk around my desk. He stands and we hug for a long time. “Why didn’t you tell me? You know I love gay people!”

“I was stupid, I don’t know. I was still in denial, I guess. I feel terrible for what it did to you.”

“It wasn’t you, it was that cretin Beth Zinn,” I say as I lean back against my desk.

Lars sits down again and glances over at the picture on the wall of the boys and me hiking Bryce Canyon. “Alex couldn’t take it, could he?”

I shake my head.

“Does he still think—”

“Who knows. I think he’s moved on. He has a girlfriend.”

“I feel terrible. Like I should call him now, but is it too late?”

“To save our marriage?” I say with a wry smile. “Yeah, it’s far too late for that.”

“You know he called me at the height of it all. I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t answer. He left me a voicemail.”

“Alex and I were already having problems long before that. We didn’t talk anymore, we only fought. There was pressure from every direction. Alex checked out. He stopped understanding, and I stopped trying to make him understand. My mother was completely out of her mind. She was horrible to him…to all of us. The Beth Zinn thing was just the final straw. We even stayed married for a while after that. I mean…we tried. But there was too much resentment and it was miserable for the boys. Things feel better now, for everyone.”

“But you and Alex…”

“Me and Alex what? ”

“I don’t know, it’s weird, D. I know things had gotten bad, but for so many years, you two were like a well-oiled machine.”

“That’s not exactly a romantic description of marriage.”

“Well, okay, I get that. When I first met you, though, I was envious of what you and Alex had. It was like a secret you wouldn’t let anyone in on. And you were a sexy as hell couple!”

“Don’t make me sad, Lars. He has a girlfriend . All good things must come to an end.”

“It’s unlike you to use a trite line like that. Do you really believe it anyway…that it couldn’t last?” he asks.

“I feel like the universe is testing me today. This particular topic keeps coming up and I’d really like to go back to how you were praising me about the show, and how I was making you grovel on your hands and knees.”

“Well”—he stands—“my precious D, I am talking about the show, aren’t I?” He winks and then takes my face in his hands and kisses my cheek.

“One person can’t be your everything,” I whisper.

He clears his throat. “I want the season finale. I want to write it with you, if you haven’t already. What do you think?”

I blink. “What did the voicemail say?”

“The voicemail? Oh, Alex? He was drunk, but he sounded more sad than mad. He said there was no one like you. That you were one of a kind. And then he said, ‘Lars…you can have that bitch. She’s all yours!’?”

“Wow,” I say with a laugh. “A little harsh but that wasn’t the first time he called me a bitch.”

“I don’t think he thought it through. I regret not calling him that moment and talking sense into him. He definitely meant what he said about you being one of a kind. I agree.”

Silence.

“He should have told me that.”