2

‘How many more guesses have I got?’

‘That’s the thing, that’s kind of what I want to talk to you about. No more guessing, Trina. No more walking on eggshells around each other. I’ve had enough of it and the truth is, I miss you. I’ve always missed you.’

Trina took a deep breath. ‘Sames.’ The word that peppered their childhood language. They had agreed on most things; it was always sames.

Madeleine watched the tension fall from her friend’s shoulders and saw the softening in her posture.

‘I ... I should’ve run after you on that day, Trina. When you got up and walked out, I should have run after you.’ After all the years of silence, it was surprisingly easy to begin.

‘I should never have walked out in the first place and left you on your own. I should have stayed here,’ Trina cut in, ‘or I should have turned around at the end of the road, and marched back in.’

‘I should have said sorry and explained everything. I know it would have been difficult, we’d have probably rowed—’

‘We’d have probably got over it,’ Trina summarised.

‘We probably would,’ she agreed. ‘Trouble is, I didn’t know how to go back. Didn’t know how to recover what we’d lost, Trin – didn’t know how to go back to being us.’

‘And I couldn’t back down. It was self-preservation, like if you’ve ever been bitten, the next time you see the thing that bit you, you hide your hands and back out of the room – it was like that. Every time I saw you, it was like that. I dreaded seeing you and yet I’d cry for how much I missed you.’ Her friend summed up her feelings in the clearest and most heartbreaking way.

‘Sames,’ Madeleine admitted. ‘When you told me how much I’d hurt you, that Jimmy was the one thing you really wanted ...’

‘He was. He is.’

‘I didn’t know.’ She spoke slowly, shaking her head and able, almost, to see the droplets of shame fall from her hair, hoping beyond hope that the sincerity of her words might sink in. ‘I mean, I knew you’d mentioned you’d liked him, but you also said you’d marry Harry Styles ...’

‘Still would, actually.’ Trina glanced at her with a hint of a smile about her mouth.

‘I thought it was no big thing. That’s the truth. And when I met him after not seeing him for a few years, we were both drunk and it should have been nothing more than a meaningless footnote to my twenties, something you and I might have squabbled over, but no big deal. Still thoughtless, yes, and short-sighted and hurtful and selfish of me, all of that.’

‘I’m not disagreeing.’ Trina pulled a face.

‘And then Edith happened, and here we are. But I promise you, I never intentionally set out to hurt you or gave so little of a shit that I did it anyway, it wasn’t like that.’

‘I know, I know. Not that it made it hurt any less, but I do know.’ Trina nodded. ‘I remember when I met you in here on the day you found out you were pregnant, and you said you’d done a test and it was the worst minute of your life, that your whole world had imploded.’

‘I don’t remember what I said.’

‘You said that, or something very similar, and it stuck with me and I think about it often.’

‘You do?’ She twisted on the seat to look at her.

‘I remember thinking that you and I couldn’t be any more different, and that was before I knew about Jimmy.’

‘In what way were we so different?’ She was curious.

‘I had always thought, and I still think, that to have a baby with someone I love would be the greatest thing. To hold that stick and wait for the result, knowing it’s the thing I want more than anything else.’ She coughed to clear her embarrassment. ‘I mean, what a moment that would be! And to hear that for you it was the worst thing.’ She paused. ‘I think mentally I pulled away from you even more in that moment before you gave me the punchline. Not because I was judging you but because I realised we were very different people.’

‘I guess that’s the thing, though, Trina, it wasn’t happening with someone I loved. It wasn’t even with someone I knew particularly well – it was Jimmy from school!’

‘Although you lucked out, because he’s great.’

‘He is,’ she acknowledged, noting how her friend wanted to shout his corner. ‘He really is great. And I think we can be different people and want different things and still be best friends. I know we can. You were right about me never being satisfied, always looking around the next corner, never standing still, not for a single second, never stopping to enjoy the view.’ She paused and looked out over the pavement, where the hustle and bustle of life continued on the other side of the window and the Brenton Park estate rose high behind them. ‘That’s what it’s been like for me; always with my mind on what comes next, meaning I’d never arrive! I’d never be happy! I thought that was how I had to live to be successful.’

‘And I told you that the small existence that you scorned was exactly what I aspired to. A life I’d like – a life I’d still love!’

‘I now know it’s not a small life, Trina. It was just a life I didn’t understand.’

‘But you do now?’ It was a question that was so much bigger than the words; it was asking for a promise, a way forward.

‘I think I do. Even though it might not be the life for me.’ She moved closer to her friend. ‘We only have this one life, Trina, this one life! I’m not going to waste a second of it.’

‘Me either,’ Trina whispered.

‘So what do we do about Jimmy? How do we all get on? How do we pull together and make it the best it can be for Edith, for us all, without you feeling hurt or me feeling so guilty? Without it feeling easier not to show up?’

‘It’s simple really, Mads.’ Trina drew breath. ‘We forgive each other. We understand that none of us are perfect, we accept that we’re family. Family who stick together through thick and thin. You, me, Marnie, Doug, Jimmy, Edith and whatever babies or partners or lovers get thrown into the mix as we go along.’

Madeleine pictured Nico – Nico the spectacular – and wished it had worked out differently.

‘Some of us share blood,’ Trina continued, ‘some of us share history, but if we all share love, then we’ll get through. That’s enough.’

‘Listen to you! That was beautiful.’ She meant it.

‘Mother Teresa beautiful?’

‘Not quite.’

They both laughed, and a lot of the tension fled, spiralling out of the door of The Copper Kettle and up into the sky.

‘Can I ask you something?’ Trina sidled closer to her on the bench and Madeleine nodded, ready to answer anything. This, she believed, was how they built the bridge that would carry them into the future.

‘Of course.’ She braced herself.

‘Them fancy heels you wore to the hospital when you visited Marn, can I borrow them?’

‘You can have them, you silly cow. They kill my feet.’

‘It’s happened, hasn’t it, Mads?’ Trina asked with tears in her eyes.

‘What?’

‘You’ve come back, you’ve come home.’ Trina took her hand, and that was how they sat for a minute or two, letting the sweet relief of reunion wash over them. ‘Just like I knew you would, you’ve come home.’

‘I think I have. And knowing that you are here for me when I get back from LA’ – she squeezed her friend’s fingers – ‘it makes all the difference. I’ve got so many exciting plans! I want to share it all with you. For starters, I’m going to start my own business!’

‘Well, that was never in doubt. I could make the tea!’ Trina laughed.

‘Or do the books?’ She liked the idea very much, seeing her mate every day, keeping her close.

‘I bloody love you.’

‘I bloody love you.’ It was the truth. ‘I’ve already said goodbye, but I was thinking of swooping by Jimmy’s and having one last hug with Edith. Plus, I need to talk to Jimmy. Do you want to come too?’ Madeleine nudged her with her elbow.

‘Sure.’ She beamed. ‘But I’d like to go home and grab some bits first. You want to come with me, or shall I see you there?’

‘I’ll come with you.’

‘Are we paying for this’ – Trina pushed the crumb-laden plate across the table – ‘or are we going to do a runner?’

‘One time!’ She threw her head back and laughed. ‘Are you ever going to let me forget it?’

‘Highly unlikely.’ Trina pulled out her credit card and went to settle up.

The two women walked arm in arm along the towpath. Madeleine dragged her bag behind her and Trina gripped her board game and gift of chocolate, picked up from the kitchen counter in her flat. It seemed her friend had taken her advice after all. I believe if you want something or someone, then you have to make it happen ... You should turn up at his house with an armful of board games, a box of chocolates, a bottle of something fizzy ... Perfect for a grey inset day, and very appropriate when your hosts were as diverse in age as Edith and Jimmy.

As they approached the cottage, Madeleine stopped on the towpath and closed her eyes briefly, trying to quell the feeling of urgency, and a quickening in her pulse. Keen, if not desperate, to run up that towpath, kick off her heels, and sink down on to that glorious sofa in front of the log burner – not that there was time for that today. But the thought that Edith was in that very cottage, probably dancing or twirling, but certainly chattering to her dad, to Jimmy, the man who had shown her a glimpse of a different life – a happy life! A life that she wanted for him and Trina, and a life in which she hoped she might play a part. Because one thing she had learned was that things didn’t have to be perfect or everlasting, they only had to be enough.

Her face broke into a smile and in her gut was a feeling a lot like relief. Her shoulders sank and her muscles uncoiled, as if her body called for rest.

Because Madeleine was tired. Bone tired. Tired of trying so hard and working such long hours and exhausted by her constant quest for perfection.

‘You all right, Mads?’

She nodded. ‘Bit nervous about seeing Jimmy. Not sure how to say all I want to say, to tell him I want to see more of Edith when I’m home, but I don’t want him to worry I’m going to be muscling in, trying to take over or anything.’ She breathed out.

‘Maybe don’t overthink it.’ Trina placed her hand on Madeleine’s arm, steadying her, reassuring her in the way she always used to. ‘Maybe just say what’s in your head and let the conversation happen.’

‘Yes, okay.’ It was good advice.

‘I’ll go in and leave you two to chat. I’ll try to distract the human cannonball.’

‘I like it – tag team.’ She smiled.

‘And you think you’re nervous?’ Trina shivered. ‘I’m hoping the guy falls hook, line, and sinker for me and I’ve not got my lippy on.’

‘You look nice.’

‘Nice?’ Trina wrinkled her nose in disapproval. ‘Is that the best you’ve got?’

‘Spectacular.’ She swallowed the sense of loss that rose in her throat when she thought of Nico. ‘You look spectacular!’

‘That’s more like it.’

Staring at the green front door of the cottage, the brass acorn knocker and the letterbox cover, she felt a surge of delight at the prospect of walking through it, a beautiful oasis where she would get to enjoy time with her daughter when she came back to visit and then more often when this little island was once again her home, and just like that she knew what she wanted to say ... Watching Edith sleep in her fairytale room was a reminder of all that is good, a life that is enough for most people, and I want to be most people, Jimmy. I want a life that is enough. I need balance and not to be afraid of figuring things out as I go along ... Nico would have been enough ... This final thought she would keep to herself.

Her decision was to go to LA for a year or so, no more, to learn everything she could from Rebecca, to squeeze every last drop of juice from the opportunity. Madeleine would also tell her of her plans to set up her own business, right here in the UK. She would seek advice from the woman who had been her mentor, who had given her a chance, her first job, and a taste of a different life. Rebecca, the woman she would forever feel indebted to; she was looking forward to face-to-face discussions over a glass of sparkling water and a decent lunch. Salade Nicoise, probably.

This new chapter in her life was about learning all she needed to be the best she could for Edith, the best daughter to Marnie and Doug and the best friend to Trina. It was about unlearning all she had worked so hard to perfect over the last few years. But primarily, it was about finding balance – it was about finding happiness!

Trina knocked on the door, standing confidently in her jeans, wellington boots and jumper, and they waited.

‘Do you remember that enormous penis?’ Trina whispered, nodding towards the front of the cottage.

‘His name was Quentin and he was a dentist.’

They leaned into each other, laughing, just like that, just like they used to. It made her happy, so happy. So happy.

Jimmy opened the door and ran his hand up through his hair, a habit that had taken her, and she suspected always would, right back to him in the playground, where he did just that, part of their history.

He beamed at his guests. ‘Hey, you two! Madeleine, well, this is a surprise! I thought you were ...’ He pointed towards the sky.

‘I was, I am. I’ll still make my flight. But I just wanted to talk to you before I went, and to give Edith one last hug.’

‘Sure!’ He nodded, his expression as open as ever.

Trina handed Jimmy the board game and pulled off her wellington boots before upending them on to the metal wellie rack, where they sat next to the pink ones with little unicorns on them. As if this was where they were meant to be.

Madeleine could see it then: a future where Trina came home from the bank and prepared supper or collected Edith from school, or walked up the aisle with Jimmy or had another baby, a sibling for Edith to adore, and Trina would invite Marnie over for a cup of tea and they’d talk about the weather. Trina, who would live here, make a home, and climb into bed every night to snuggle close to the person she loved and who would love her back. Trina, who would feel content, eat nice food, knowing she got to spend every average day wrapped in love.

And she wanted it for her friend, her sister. She wanted it all for the people she loved.

‘I just wanted to let you know that I won’t stay in LA indefinitely. I’m thinking no more than a year, and then I’m coming home. And when I come home’ – she swallowed – ‘I want to see more of Edith. I want to know more about her, and I guess I want her to know more about me. I know you’ve got things perfectly under control, and Edith is thriving! But I want to be part of it. I want more of Edith.’

‘I think that sounds like a plan, and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.’ He spoke softly. ‘And I know someone who will be pleased to see you.’

As if on cue, Edith bounded along the hallway and just the sight of her, hair falling over her little smiling face, her bare feet dancing on the wood, it was almost more than she could stand. The thought of how much she had missed, determined to make the most of this chance she had been given.

‘Mummy!’ Edith, who without explanation was in full pirate costume, complete with beard and eyepatch, jumped into her arms, and Madeleine held her close, inhaling the scent of her little girl. ‘Are you going to take me to the Tower of London and Legoland?’

‘Yes.’ She spoke with certainty. ‘When I’m back to visit at Christmas, we’ll take those trips. We’ll take lots of trips, if that’s okay with Dad?’

‘Course it is!’ He smiled at her.

Edith wriggled to be free and disappeared inside the house.

‘I’m not staying, Jimmy; I have to get to the airport.’

‘Come on, Trina! I’m waiting for you to play the game! I haven’t got all day!’ Edith shouted impatiently from inside.

‘I’ve been summoned! I’d better go.’ Trina pointed inside.

‘You better had.’ She nodded.

‘I never stopped loving you, Mads.’ Trina squeezed her fingers. ‘See you soon, yeah.’

‘Yep, see you soon. I’ll come and visit at Christmas.’

‘Bring me a Barbie!’ Edith yelled from the table. ‘But if you can’t afford it, don’t worry about it!’

She held a long, lingering look with Jimmy, who smiled at her in the way that he did. ‘I’ll be okay, Maddie. You know that, don’t you? It’ll all work out how it’s meant to.’

‘Yes. I think I do.’

The chair in her first-class cabin was wide, comfortable and she looked forward to sleeping in it. There were far worse ways to travel. Her seat was deep inside a small walled pod, which provided both privacy and luxury. Madeleine leaned back and closed her eyes, smiling at the thought of Trina and Jimmy playing their board game with the littlest pirate. Trina, who would get to live her own fairytale.

‘Sorry to disturb you, madam.’

‘That’s fine.’ She smiled at the air steward.

‘You looked so peaceful – it’s just that I’m doing the rounds. Do you have everything you need?’

‘I think so, yes.’

‘The flight time today is eleven and a half hours, so we are on schedule to land at seven thirty local time.’

‘Smashing.’

‘And could I ask what your preference would be for lunch?’

The woman gave her a small, stiff card that was printed in an ornate gold script.

She smiled wryly and handed it back. ‘The gnocchi for me, please.’

The plane now ascended into the sky and she looked down at the sprawl of the capital city she had always called home. The place to which she would return. Her thoughts went to Nico, spectacular Nico, who had failed to send her another thumbs-up, failed to make contact at all. It was probably for the best – better it fail now in the early stages than falling for the man even more deeply and having her heart properly smashed further down the line. She wondered whether, if she thought this often enough, it might make it easier to believe.

What she truly wanted was the chance to explain to him, to tell him truthfully about her journey, about the one choice she had made that seemed to filter into her whole life. Something that had driven her in her chosen career because she hadn’t believed that she could have it all. And while other women spoke with pride about their little ones, she would have her achievements on her CV, an immaculate home, and a bank balance to reflect it, because work for her was easy, being a mother was not, and it was just how she was – this was what she had believed. This she knew was a mantra she had hidden behind, a shield of her own making, because trying to have it all had felt impossible. Until now ...

Something Trina had said a long time ago came to her now.

I just want someone who is going to show up, someone who instinctively knows what I want and when I need it, and who just shows up!

Trying to dampen the feeling of loneliness that wrapped itself around her, she more than understood. It sounded perfect.

It was as she placed her phone face down on the tray table to her right that it beeped and a message came in.

A video no less, from ... She squinted to read ... Jimmy!

The moment she pressed ‘Play’, her heart soared. It was actually a message from Edith.

She was still wearing her pirate hat, which now sat askew on the top of her head, and there was chocolate around her mouth.

‘Mummy! I know you’re on your way to Lanzarote, but I wanted to tell you that the Barbie I want is vet Barbie, because I think I’m going to be a vet and look after animals. Oh, and I found Minty! We went for a walk over the school field yesterday, and I dug her up and got my sock back! But don’t tell Nanny as she said dead mice are germy.’

Madeleine couldn’t help the laughter that burst from her. This kid! This wonderful kid!

‘Don’t forget about our trips. I told Dad we can do a sleepover at your house and I can bring sweets and things for us to eat. Or we could have a picnic! Nanny takes me on picnics – we sit on the bench and have macaroni cheeeeeeeese!’ She exaggerated the word, her funny, funny little thing. Edith’s face was suddenly close to the camera so all Madeleine could see was the child’s nostrils, as she whispered, ‘And I’ll remind you to get some sliced chicken! I love you and ... Trina is rubbish at Hungry Hippos.’ Edith paused and pulled the camera away, giving her the perfect view of this little girl’s beautiful, beautiful face, the grey-blue eyes of her mother, grandmother and great-grandmother staring back at her. Eyes that would see the whole wide world. If they wanted to. ‘And ... that’s it!’

The camera was suddenly and unceremoniously dropped, leaving Madeleine with a view of the ceiling in Jimmy’s kitchen.

‘Jimmy! I think your iPad might have had a bashing!’ Trina’s voice could be heard in the background just before the recording ended. There had been something in her tone that spoke of contentment, of happiness, as if she had found her place. Somewhere she was content to be, free to be happy, somewhere that felt like home.

Just as it should be ... Her best friend, making the most of this one life.

‘She sounds like a handful, and I mean that in the nicest way. I have two like that at home!’ The steward smiled as she gathered empty glasses.

‘She is a handful, but so smart, and funny! So funny!’

Madeleine spoke confidently, knowing she was this little girl’s champion, her flag bearer, part of her support system and the one who would love her till her last breath on earth.

She shook her head, swiping at the tears that coursed down her face.

‘My daughter, my daughter, Edith-Madeleine. My pocketful of sunshine.’