Chapter Fifteen PRESENT DAY

Chapter Fifteen

P RESENT D AY

Jimmy stood on the walkway with his hands in his pockets. He exhaled through his bloated cheeks. ‘Well, that was interesting!’

Aware of being overheard, Madeleine stepped out on to the walkway, and they both leaned out over the concrete wall, looking down on to the car park.

‘Wanna talk about it?’ She moved closer to him.

‘Trina’s the person you were talking about when you said my love interest might be closer than I thought? It was Trina, right?’

‘You’d make a brilliant detective.’

They both laughed.

‘She’s a lovely person,’ he half-whispered, and this phrase alone was enough to suggest his interest in Trina might not be romantic. No one she had ever heard who had fires of lust licking their loins or a burning desire to hold on to someone for the rest of their lives started with this phrase. She waited for the ‘but’. ‘But, I’ve never thought of her in any way other than as a friend. I’ve known her a long time and if I had thought any different, I’d have acted on it by now, right?’ He kicked at the wall; clearly it wasn’t an easy discussion for him. ‘I mean, I’m slow to take the initiative sometimes, but not that bloody slow.’

‘I guess.’ She could only guess at Trina’s disappointment if he had told her something similar. ‘But people change. Feelings change.’

‘I suppose so. And it’s not that I’m not into it ... I mean, she’s beautiful and funny and Edith loves her. It’s just, you know when you haven’t considered something before and it takes a while to tune your head in?’ He turned and seemed to be taking in her face in this dull afternoon light. She felt her skin flash hot under his scrutiny.

‘I don’t want to interfere,’ she began.

‘I think we both know that’s a lie!’ he laughed.

‘You’re right.’ She took a breath, wanting to get the words right. ‘But it’d be so nice to see everyone settled and happy.’

‘Well, you can rest easy, Mads, because I am both settled and happy and busy. I guess if and when romance comes knocking, that’ll be lovely, but I’m all good.’

‘You know what I mean!’ she tutted.

‘I actually don’t.’ He turned again to face her.

‘I guess Marnie’s words struck a chord. She’s right: this life is short and uncertain and when you find someone who wants to love you and who you might love in return, you need to tell them how you feel, you need to be open to the opportunity, because who knows when the next one might come along? I said as much to Trina.’ She hoped it was good advice.

His shoulders seemed to sink and his expression was one of deep thought.

‘You really think she feels that way? Is it obvious?’

‘To me, yes.’ The way Trina looked at him, spoke about him ... ‘And for what it’s worth, I think you’d make a lovely couple.’

‘You do?’ He pulled his head back on his shoulders.

‘Yes! Yes, I do!’

‘But wouldn’t that be weird, for you, for us, because of ... of ...?’ He visibly reddened.

‘No! We can’t let it be weird. You can’t let it be weird!’ She stared at him.

His head hung forward and he stared at the ground before righting himself and standing in front her. ‘It’s a lot to think about, Mads. I ... am really fond of Trina. I guess I’ve never thought ...’ He pushed his hair behind his ears. ‘I remember I told you how I felt a while ago; that I thought you were remarkable and beautiful and funny and smart, and you said—’ He stopped talking and faltered, as if even to remember her words were painful.

She knew exactly what she had said. It was her mantra, her go-to phrase to protect her heart, set expectations, and to make her stance clear. Nothing lasts for ever. Nothing, Jimmy.

‘I know what I said.’ She spared him the chore of repetition.

He nodded and looked a little relieved.

‘I felt really daft for opening up to you like that. Crushed, actually,’ he admitted, in the open way that he had. ‘And if I’m being honest, it’s made me wary, really wary of opening up to anyone. Supposing I got closer to Trina and then she binned me. I’d lose my friend, Edith would lose her friend too, and it’d be awkward if we all went over to your mum’s place, and it’s already difficult enough when—’ He looked up as if remembering who he was speaking to. She filled in the blanks. When you’re there ...

She felt the sting of his words across her cheek. Nothing less than she deserved.

‘If it’s any consolation, Nico, I won’t ever forgive myself for making you feel that way. Won’t forgive myself for a lot of things.’

‘Like?’

‘Like ... I should have been kinder about the drawing you gave me.’

‘Oh God, the drawing! The drawing you didn’t remember.’ He ran his palm over his face as if this might wipe away his unease. ‘I knew the moment I handed it over it was a mistake. Your face, it was like, what ? You retreated then and I kind of knew you’d run away, and you did. I felt like such a plum.’

She shook her head and was surprised by the sadness that rose inside her. ‘I did. I did remember it,’ she stuttered as tears clogged her nose and throat. ‘I said I didn’t because I remember how hurt you looked, your face ... and I hate that I made you feel that way.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘But, actually, Jimmy, it was quite an important thing for me, that picture.’

‘Important, why?’

‘Because ... because ... two things really.’ She swallowed. ‘First, no one had ever done anything like that for me, that grand gesture. It’s the kind of thing we all think about, isn’t it? Someone doing something crazy and spontaneous and brave to make their intent clear. It’s flattering – lovely! The fairytale.’

‘And the second thing?’ He kicked against the concrete wall.

‘It was the first time I thought that there might be a different life for me.’

‘A life you don’t want,’ he reminded her.

‘I’m not sure what I want right now.’ She took a moment to order her thoughts, feeling as emotionally cautious as she did vulnerable, letting down her iron guard, just for a second. ‘I suppose that picture was important because it was the first time anyone had shown that level of interest in me, expressed that kind of intention, and it was a big thing.’

‘I see.’ He stiffened a little as if still embarrassed.

‘And I guess somewhere at the back of my mind, I liked the idea of a future like the one you drew. But one day, one day when I’m ready, when I’ve done everything I need to do, everything I want to do,’ she corrected.

‘When do you think that will be, Mads? When will you be ready?’ He was fishing and she knew it.

‘I honestly don’t know.’ This was her truth.

He looked past her into the middle distance. ‘Do you know you just called me Nico?’

‘What? Did I?’ She wrinkled her nose, unaware. ‘When?’

He smiled. ‘Just now, when you were talking about forgiveness, about what you want.’

‘Sorry, Jimmy.’ She laughed, nervously. ‘I ...’

‘You might want to concentrate on matchmaking for yourself, how about that?’

‘You might have a point.’ She wished it were that simple, confident she’d blown it with Nico. The way they’d parted didn’t suggest reunion was imminent – quite the opposite, in fact, and her spirit flagged at the thought.

‘You see that’s the thing – someone who might have very deep, unshakeable feelings for you could wait a lifetime, sitting in the wings while you chase the next thing and the next. They might think that’s too hard. They might give up, decide it’s too big an ask for such an uncertain outcome.’

‘Then I guess they are not the one who I’ll get to sit and watch the ducks on my pond with in old age.’

‘I guess not.’ He reached out and tucked the loose tendril of hair that had fallen over her eye behind her ear. ‘I will always think the world of you, Madeleine Woods, will always want the best for you, because you’re Edith’s mum. And I truly hope that when the day comes that you do know what you want, you don’t look back at your life and regret not choosing a different path.’

‘Why would I?’

‘Because I think there comes a time in all our lives when we re-evaluate what’s important. And I would hate for you to reach that point and for it to be too late, and that the thing or things you need or want are no longer available to you because the world has moved on.’

He reached out again and this time wiped the tear from her cheek. She hadn’t realised she was crying.

‘The day ...’ she began, her words coasting out on tear-laden breaths. ‘The day I left the flat, handed Edith over to my mum, was the hardest of my life. It will always be the hardest of my life.’

‘You could have turned back.’ He met her eyeline now.

‘I could, Jimmy, trouble is ... I honestly ... I didn’t know how to have it all, how to do it all. I still don’t.’

‘It’s not impossible. You just need to learn how. It’s about making everything fit in a way that works for you.’

‘I do want to speak to Nico, but I’m scared.’ She sniffed, her chest heaving with the effort to contain all that bloomed inside of her. ‘I want to spend more time with Edith, but I’m scared. Truth is, I’ve been scared since the day I woke up with a stomach ache and found out I was pregnant. And I mess up, Jimmy, I mess up all the time. I try so hard to keep it together, but be under no illusion ...’ Her tears made speaking almost impossible. ‘My heart is blistered. So badly blistered it burns every single day. And when I see her now’ – she rubbed her eyes, not caring that her make-up would end up on her cheek – ‘it’s like my arms are tied to my body, my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth, my blood runs thick in my veins and my feet are set in concrete, and I can’t run to her! I can’t take her in my arms and tell her all that I want to, I can’t do it! And you have no idea how much I wish I could. I really wish I could! I want her to know me, I want her to really know me. I want her to know my failings, my worries, the dilemma I face every single day as I play a part and do my best, trying to be the best I can be, to reach my goals, all with my background and what I have given up snaking around my ankles, ready to trip me up. I’m a human and I’m imperfect and that’s fine. She needs to know that’s fine. And I want to really know her. I think ... I think then I’d be happy. I’d be happy then, Jimmy.’

He raised his arms and she closed her eyes, ready to fall against him, to bury her head in his chest and rest awhile; all it would take was one step towards him on this concrete walkway. One tiny step ... and to lay her head on his chest now, she knew she would forget all about paint samples, chandeliers, scratches on her fridge, meetings at work, flights to LA, Nico, the pressure to succeed, the pressure to look good, the pressure to lead, to win, to keep striving, to keep thriving, all of it. She’d forget it all, just for a while ... It took all of her strength not to fall into him, to cast off the reality and dive entirely into the idea, to submit to the fairytale. Trina would do it, this much she knew. Trina would throw herself at this prince and make a vow. And they would no doubt live a happy life, a small, happy life ... but she wasn’t Trina.

And as Madeleine had mentioned to Dr Schoenfeld, she was wired differently.

She tried, tried again to take that step, but it wasn’t Jimmy that she wanted, not in that way. Yes, he would always have a place in her heart, in her life, but Trina loved him, properly loved him, and she had hurt Trina by disregarding this. What Madeleine wanted was three things: to make amends, more balance between her two worlds, and openness that just might help her achieve both.

Because her life, currently, was exactly as she had described to Jimmy – as if her feet were set in concrete and she couldn’t move. And it had to change. It all had to change.

Jimmy lowered his arms.

‘I want you to find your place, Mads. I want you to find somewhere you are content to be, where you are free to be happy, somewhere that feels like home.’

‘A forever home.’ She quoted the words he had written almost a decade ago.

‘And I told you then and I am telling you now: it doesn’t need it to last for ever, just for a lifetime.’

Madeleine had a flight to catch.

The last few days had passed in a blur. Organising the handover of the Stern project, making sure everything was shipshape, had taken every waking hour. Her beautiful apartment had been partially mothballed. Tan had a set of keys and was very kindly going to pop in weekly to give it the once over and remove the junk mail from the table in the front hallway, prior to the new tenants moving in. He also confessed that while the place was empty, if Ramon was annoying him, he would hide there and nap in her bed. She didn’t mind, understanding the need to escape occasionally.

Rebecca had sent her a picture of Madam Marcia in her sundress with matching parasol. Her heart sank at the sight of it. Judging from the expression on Madam Marcia’s face, she was none too impressed either.

Madeleine was travelling light, preferring to take a few key summer pieces and top up her wardrobe when she arrived. It was how she liked to travel, unencumbered by too much baggage.

Ha! She smiled. The analogy wasn’t lost on her. Any more baggage and she’d need to pack Orna in her hand luggage, just to help her emotionally unpack!

Marnie’s surgery had gone well, and she had already been discharged from the hospital. According to her dad, whom she had chatted to last night, it was business as usual, almost. Edith had an inset day today, and Jimmy was going to stay at home to look after her. The main complaint from her mum was the fact that she was using a wheelchair to get from A to B, something that didn’t exactly delight her.

It was with a slightly nervous stomach that Madeleine looked up at the impressive white stucco building with its grand Palladian-inspired porch. Her last trip to see her therapist for a while. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it – nervous certainly, but also a little like she’d come to the end of a course or period of study, like she’d learned something. It felt fitting to come and bid farewell to her confidante in person, to make a plan to stay in touch, and to thank her for how much she had helped Madeleine over the last couple of years, helping her figure out the jumble of thoughts that were now not quite so jumbled.

A smart-suited and -booted man was leaving as she was about to ring the buzzer – he held the door open for her and she thanked him as she walked inside. Again she trod the stairs, eschewing the lift and feeling a little wistful at the prospect of not seeing Orna every week. They had after all become firm friends and had shared so much. The consulting room door was closed. She took a deep breath, found her neutral face, and knocked.

After a brief pause, Orna opened the door.

Madeleine beamed at her, wondering how their last session would go.

‘Hello! I wasn’t expecting to see you.’ Her therapist was obviously surprised; she looked over her shoulder and gestured behind the half-closed door, no doubt to a patient sitting on that leather sofa. Madeleine felt instantly awkward and confused; it was as if she had dropped in on the fly, which was absolutely not the done thing.

‘I have a session booked!’ Madeleine pulled a tortured expression, mortified by the mix-up.

‘No! No, you don’t, my love.’ The woman pushed her glasses up on her nose, still holding the door closed, as if guarding something dangerous or forbidden. ‘I have you booked in for tomorrow. I’m actually with someone right now.’ She gestured with her eyes. ‘And I know how much you appreciate an uninterrupted session.’ Orna smiled, sweetly, awkwardly, as she made the point.

‘The thing is I’m leaving today, after this, heading to the airport in a bit. I won’t be here tomorrow!’ Her embarrassment was acute.

‘There’s obviously been a mix-up.’ Orna swallowed. ‘I’m so sorry. Let me call you later.’ Unbelievably, the woman went to close the door and, for some reason she couldn’t explain, Madeleine put her foot in the gap. She didn’t want to be dismissed like this, not for possibly the last time she might see her. It wasn’t good enough.

It was strange how in that moment she understood that while it was always just her and Orna, talking freely, she was but one of a long list of patients who sank down on to that sofa and that her safe place was not hers alone. She felt her cheeks flame with embarrassment, recognising the misplaced and frankly naive sense of disloyalty and rejection that being kept outside of the room filled her with.

‘No, sorry, I just—’ What did she want to say? ‘As I said, I’m off to LA in a few hours.’

‘Yes. I understand.’ Orna smiled, her movements hesitant, as she stared at Madeleine’s foot in the door, her words stilted as if trying to speed things along.

‘And I understand you’re busy. I’ll head off now, but before I go, I just want to ask you something.’

‘Right.’ She watched Orna look upwards and blink quickly. ‘I would say email me all of this and, erm, we’ll go from there.’

Madeleine nodded. ‘No, I’d rather not email you, I just wanted to ask you one thing – if you could just answer this one question.’ It felt important. It was important.

‘Fire away!’ Orna’s brief smile spoke of her irritation, as she folded her arms across her chest and gave only the slightest sigh of impatience. Madeleine removed her foot from the door.

‘Do you think it’s possible to change your mind on something fundamental? Is it possible to want one thing aged twenty but then, as you nearly hit thirty, to look back and realise that you might have made a mistake?’

‘Sure. Of course!’ Orna stepped forward and held the door almost closed behind her, her voice low to maintain their established confidentiality. ‘I will say this: I think you need to give yourself permission to freely give love and demonstrate love to Edith – in fact, to anyone you want to. And that doesn’t necessarily mean being her full-time mother or comparing how you wish to parent with how Jimmy or Marnie do it. It’s between you and Edith. I also think part of that permission is bound in a decision to stop punishing yourself.’

‘I ...’ She was a little lost for words.

‘We change, Madeleine, year on year, decade on decade – that’s the wonderful thing about life! We are never stone. We move, we change, we grow, and if we are very, very lucky, we educate ourselves and grow in confidence, which allows us to make different decisions. That is being human!’

‘Someone once told me to remember that no story is about how it starts, but always about how it finishes.’

‘That sounds like good advice. Goodbye, Madeleine.’

‘Bye, Orna.’

‘I’ll see you when you get back?’

Madeleine turned to walk down the dull staircase in the depressing hallway. ‘Erm, probably not.’ She smiled, hearing Edith’s words in her head. ‘I might just talk to my friends.’

An image of Trina filled her head, running into the café and slipping into the booth next to her.

Why are you romanticising the shiteness of it all?

And why are you shitting on the niceness of it all?

How she wished she could see her once more before she left, just the two of them. It felt like they’d made progress in Marnie’s kitchen. It occurred to her then, why wait for Trina to make the move? Why not pull down her defences and reach out to the woman who was once her sister ...

Her therapist’s words resonated. It hadn’t occurred to her that her inability to love and to be loved was bound in a deep-seated idea that she didn’t deserve it. This was, she knew, just one strand to the complex fabric that she had woven and behind which she hid. There was one thought however, one phrase that rang out louder than all others, and it came not from Orna, but from Marnie: the simple fact that life was short.

Too short for her not to become more involved with her wonderful child and too short not to make amends with Trina. They certainly had a lot to talk about. Some topics more pressing than others. Jimmy, she decided, for too long had sat between them like a thorn. He couldn’t be the reason for them not to pick up where they had left off when she got back to the UK.

She wanted more than ever to leave with a feeling of resolution, and that she had something to look forward to when she eventually came home – a network, a family.

Marnie was right; how did Edith fit into a move to the other side of the bloody world? How was she supposed to navigate that? How was Madeleine? And the answer to the most fundamental question of all came to her now.

‘Yes, Mum. I will miss you. I will miss you all!’ She gulped down the emotion that filled her throat as she spoke the realisation out loud. ‘I will miss you all so much!’

She felt the swell of hope that she and Trina might be able to pick up where they had left off: drinking tea, scoffing biscuits, walking arm in arm in the park, shopping on a Saturday and eating fried egg sandwiches in Marnie’s kitchen on a Sunday morning, because life was not black and white. It was not all or nothing. Her worlds could collide! She felt sure of it and was in fact buoyed up by the thought! Marnie had done all she could to ensure that her daughter still had a chance.

‘I still have a chance,’ she whispered. ‘I still have a chance!’ She stood in the middle of the pavement, not caring that the crowds had to navigate around her as her thoughts came thick and fast.

She reached for her phone and waited for her call to be answered, praying her call would be answered.

‘Trina!’

‘Mads! I thought you’d be up and away by now, eating a mini bag of stinky pretzels and knocking back a plastic tumbler of warm white wine.’

‘I was, I will be – I mean, I should be. I’ve got plenty of time to make my flight,’ Madeleine explained as she gripped her little bag behind her, dragging it over the pavement. ‘I was going to head to the airport and work – it’s as good a place to work as any – but ...’ What did she want to say?

There was a beat of silence. ‘Is everything okay?’ Trina clearly wondered at the reason for the unexpected call.

Madeleine looked up and down the busy street and knew it was a conversation she would prefer to have face to face. It was almost as if, without the pressure of work, preparing to move, and her travel plans whizzing around her head, she was able to breathe deeply for the first time in an age. Consequently breathing deeply allowed clarity of thought.

‘Are you around? Have you got a minute?’

‘Erm, yes, and yes. I’m on the high street, actually.’

‘Shall I come and find you? We could go to The Copper Kettle?’

She heard her friend’s soft laughter, probably, like her, thinking of the hours they used to waste, sitting in a booth, trying to make a cup of tea last, or maybe she too recalled the last time they had gone there, when their friendship had collapsed, and the words they exchanged on that day which still stung like a slap across her face.

‘I guess so.’

‘I’ll see you there, just jumping in a cab!’ Letting go of her suitcase, she raised her hand to hail a taxi as she spoke.

‘Okay, see you there.’

As the taxi pulled up, Madeleine jumped in and placed her cabin bag on the seat next to her. Sitting back, she watched the city pass by through the window, knowing she would miss it and all the people in it she loved, until she came home.

Home . . .

Her phone beeped with a text from Tan. She wondered what the first emergency was. It didn’t bode well that she hadn’t yet left London. But it wasn’t an emergency, more of an information update.

OH MY GOD! YOUR MENEGHINI LA CAMBUSA IS SCRATCHED! DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?!?

Her reply was immediate.

I DO. RELAX, TAN, IT’S ONLY A FRIDGE!

His reply was equally instant.

WHERE IS MADELEINE AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

She laughed. He was right, actually, she could feel the subtle changes in her make-up. Her questions were however a little different: who is Madeleine and what does she need to do to be truly happy?

Madeleine paid the cabbie and looked through the window of The Copper Kettle. There was Trina, in the booth at the front, stirring her tea before taking a bite of a fat croissant. She observed her fondly, this woman sitting in the exact same spot where they had idled in their teens when funds allowed. People rushed by, some loaded up with evidence of shopping, others holding hands with loved ones, a few grappling with prams or pushchairs. All busy with the chores of life, the travelling to and fro, the mechanics of existence that kept all the wheels turning. Madeleine remembered what it had felt like to go about life, knowing that if she came unstuck, had something to say, or before the first flicker of loneliness could spark, Trina was there to pick her up, to hear her words and to cocoon her in a friendship that made everything feel possible. Just the sight of her right now, her best friend throughout her childhood and the only person she had wanted to reach out to when the chips were down, it was no surprise to feel the threat of tears.

She felt the bloom in her chest of something quite painful, as if the loss and desperation of their estrangement came to rest by her heart, risen to the top like a bubble. No longer was she able to keep it buried, and it hurt.

Trina looked up and smiled as Madeleine slipped into the booth.

‘Look at you, slumming it back over in East London!’

She nodded and bit her bottom lip that was trembling. It was as if she’d been holding it together but the sight of her friend meant she could let it all out.

‘Has something happened?’ Trina lowered her head and looked into her face. ‘Is it Marnie?’

‘No. No, she’s fine – well, as fine as can be expected. Think she’s giving Dad a hard time.’

‘Has your flight been cancelled? Don’t tell me they’ve bumped you to coach?’

Shaking her head, Madeleine allowed herself a small smile.

‘How many more guesses have I got?’

‘That’s the thing, that’s kind of what I want to talk to you about. No more guessing, Trina. No more walking on eggshells around each other. I’ve had enough of it and the truth is, I miss you. I’ve always missed you.’

Trina took a deep breath. ‘Sames.’ The word that peppered their childhood language. They had agreed on most things; it was always sames.

Madeleine watched the tension fall from her friend’s shoulders and saw the softening in her posture.

‘I ... I should’ve run after you on that day, Trina. When you got up and walked out, I should have run after you.’ After all the years of silence, it was surprisingly easy to begin.

‘I should never have walked out in the first place and left you on your own. I should have stayed here,’ Trina cut in, ‘or I should have turned around at the end of the road, and marched back in.’

‘I should have said sorry and explained everything. I know it would have been difficult, we’d have probably rowed—’

‘We’d have probably got over it,’ Trina summarised.

‘We probably would,’ she agreed. ‘Trouble is, I didn’t know how to go back. Didn’t know how to recover what we’d lost, Trin – didn’t know how to go back to being us.’

‘And I couldn’t back down. It was self-preservation, like if you’ve ever been bitten, the next time you see the thing that bit you, you hide your hands and back out of the room – it was like that. Every time I saw you, it was like that. I dreaded seeing you and yet I’d cry for how much I missed you.’ Her friend summed up her feelings in the clearest and most heartbreaking way.

‘Sames,’ Madeleine admitted. ‘When you told me how much I’d hurt you, that Jimmy was the one thing you really wanted ...’

‘He was. He is.’

‘I didn’t know.’ She spoke slowly, shaking her head and able, almost, to see the droplets of shame fall from her hair, hoping beyond hope that the sincerity of her words might sink in. ‘I mean, I knew you’d mentioned you’d liked him, but you also said you’d marry Harry Styles ...’

‘Still would, actually.’ Trina glanced at her with a hint of a smile about her mouth.

‘I thought it was no big thing. That’s the truth. And when I met him after not seeing him for a few years, we were both drunk and it should have been nothing more than a meaningless footnote to my twenties, something you and I might have squabbled over, but no big deal. Still thoughtless, yes, and short-sighted and hurtful and selfish of me, all of that.’

‘I’m not disagreeing.’ Trina pulled a face.

‘And then Edith happened, and here we are. But I promise you, I never intentionally set out to hurt you or gave so little of a shit that I did it anyway, it wasn’t like that.’

‘I know, I know. Not that it made it hurt any less, but I do know.’ Trina nodded. ‘I remember when I met you in here on the day you found out you were pregnant, and you said you’d done a test and it was the worst minute of your life, that your whole world had imploded.’

‘I don’t remember what I said.’

‘You said that, or something very similar, and it stuck with me and I think about it often.’

‘You do?’ She twisted on the seat to look at her.

‘I remember thinking that you and I couldn’t be any more different, and that was before I knew about Jimmy.’

‘In what way were we so different?’ She was curious.

‘I had always thought, and I still think, that to have a baby with someone I love would be the greatest thing. To hold that stick and wait for the result, knowing it’s the thing I want more than anything else.’ She coughed to clear her embarrassment. ‘I mean, what a moment that would be! And to hear that for you it was the worst thing.’ She paused. ‘I think mentally I pulled away from you even more in that moment before you gave me the punchline. Not because I was judging you but because I realised we were very different people.’

‘I guess that’s the thing, though, Trina, it wasn’t happening with someone I loved. It wasn’t even with someone I knew particularly well – it was Jimmy from school!’

‘Although you lucked out, because he’s great.’

‘He is,’ she acknowledged, noting how her friend wanted to shout his corner. ‘He really is great. And I think we can be different people and want different things and still be best friends. I know we can. You were right about me never being satisfied, always looking around the next corner, never standing still, not for a single second, never stopping to enjoy the view.’ She paused and looked out over the pavement, where the hustle and bustle of life continued on the other side of the window and the Brenton Park estate rose high behind them. ‘That’s what it’s been like for me; always with my mind on what comes next, meaning I’d never arrive! I’d never be happy! I thought that was how I had to live to be successful.’

‘And I told you that the small existence that you scorned was exactly what I aspired to. A life I’d like – a life I’d still love!’

‘I now know it’s not a small life, Trina. It was just a life I didn’t understand.’

‘But you do now?’ It was a question that was so much bigger than the words; it was asking for a promise, a way forward.

‘I think I do. Even though it might not be the life for me.’ She moved closer to her friend. ‘We only have this one life, Trina, this one life! I’m not going to waste a second of it.’

‘Me either,’ Trina whispered.

‘So what do we do about Jimmy? How do we all get on? How do we pull together and make it the best it can be for Edith, for us all, without you feeling hurt or me feeling so guilty? Without it feeling easier not to show up?’

‘It’s simple really, Mads.’ Trina drew breath. ‘We forgive each other. We understand that none of us are perfect, we accept that we’re family. Family who stick together through thick and thin. You, me, Marnie, Doug, Jimmy, Edith and whatever babies or partners or lovers get thrown into the mix as we go along.’

Madeleine pictured Nico – Nico the spectacular – and wished it had worked out differently.

‘Some of us share blood,’ Trina continued, ‘some of us share history, but if we all share love, then we’ll get through. That’s enough.’

‘Listen to you! That was beautiful.’ She meant it.

‘Mother Teresa beautiful?’

‘Not quite.’

They both laughed, and a lot of the tension fled, spiralling out of the door of The Copper Kettle and up into the sky.

‘Can I ask you something?’ Trina sidled closer to her on the bench and Madeleine nodded, ready to answer anything. This, she believed, was how they built the bridge that would carry them into the future.

‘Of course.’ She braced herself.

‘Them fancy heels you wore to the hospital when you visited Marn, can I borrow them?’

‘You can have them, you silly cow. They kill my feet.’

‘It’s happened, hasn’t it, Mads?’ Trina asked with tears in her eyes.

‘What?’

‘You’ve come back, you’ve come home.’ Trina took her hand, and that was how they sat for a minute or two, letting the sweet relief of reunion wash over them. ‘Just like I knew you would, you’ve come home.’

‘I think I have. And knowing that you are here for me when I get back from LA’ – she squeezed her friend’s fingers – ‘it makes all the difference. I’ve got so many exciting plans! I want to share it all with you. For starters, I’m going to start my own business!’

‘Well, that was never in doubt. I could make the tea!’ Trina laughed.

‘Or do the books?’ She liked the idea very much, seeing her mate every day, keeping her close.

‘I bloody love you.’

‘I bloody love you.’ It was the truth. ‘I’ve already said goodbye, but I was thinking of swooping by Jimmy’s and having one last hug with Edith. Plus, I need to talk to Jimmy. Do you want to come too?’ Madeleine nudged her with her elbow.

‘Sure.’ She beamed. ‘But I’d like to go home and grab some bits first. You want to come with me, or shall I see you there?’

‘I’ll come with you.’

‘Are we paying for this’ – Trina pushed the crumb-laden plate across the table – ‘or are we going to do a runner?’

‘One time!’ She threw her head back and laughed. ‘Are you ever going to let me forget it?’

‘Highly unlikely.’ Trina pulled out her credit card and went to settle up.

The two women walked arm in arm along the towpath. Madeleine dragged her bag behind her and Trina gripped her board game and gift of chocolate, picked up from the kitchen counter in her flat. It seemed her friend had taken her advice after all. I believe if you want something or someone, then you have to make it happen ... You should turn up at his house with an armful of board games, a box of chocolates, a bottle of something fizzy ... Perfect for a grey inset day, and very appropriate when your hosts were as diverse in age as Edith and Jimmy.

As they approached the cottage, Madeleine stopped on the towpath and closed her eyes briefly, trying to quell the feeling of urgency, and a quickening in her pulse. Keen, if not desperate, to run up that towpath, kick off her heels, and sink down on to that glorious sofa in front of the log burner – not that there was time for that today. But the thought that Edith was in that very cottage, probably dancing or twirling, but certainly chattering to her dad, to Jimmy, the man who had shown her a glimpse of a different life – a happy life! A life that she wanted for him and Trina, and a life in which she hoped she might play a part. Because one thing she had learned was that things didn’t have to be perfect or everlasting, they only had to be enough.

Her face broke into a smile and in her gut was a feeling a lot like relief. Her shoulders sank and her muscles uncoiled, as if her body called for rest.

Because Madeleine was tired. Bone tired. Tired of trying so hard and working such long hours and exhausted by her constant quest for perfection.

‘You all right, Mads?’

She nodded. ‘Bit nervous about seeing Jimmy. Not sure how to say all I want to say, to tell him I want to see more of Edith when I’m home, but I don’t want him to worry I’m going to be muscling in, trying to take over or anything.’ She breathed out.

‘Maybe don’t overthink it.’ Trina placed her hand on Madeleine’s arm, steadying her, reassuring her in the way she always used to. ‘Maybe just say what’s in your head and let the conversation happen.’

‘Yes, okay.’ It was good advice.

‘I’ll go in and leave you two to chat. I’ll try to distract the human cannonball.’

‘I like it – tag team.’ She smiled.

‘And you think you’re nervous?’ Trina shivered. ‘I’m hoping the guy falls hook, line, and sinker for me and I’ve not got my lippy on.’

‘You look nice.’

‘Nice?’ Trina wrinkled her nose in disapproval. ‘Is that the best you’ve got?’

‘Spectacular.’ She swallowed the sense of loss that rose in her throat when she thought of Nico. ‘You look spectacular!’

‘That’s more like it.’

Staring at the green front door of the cottage, the brass acorn knocker and the letterbox cover, she felt a surge of delight at the prospect of walking through it, a beautiful oasis where she would get to enjoy time with her daughter when she came back to visit and then more often when this little island was once again her home, and just like that she knew what she wanted to say ... Watching Edith sleep in her fairytale room was a reminder of all that is good, a life that is enough for most people, and I want to be most people, Jimmy. I want a life that is enough. I need balance and not to be afraid of figuring things out as I go along ... Nico would have been enough ... This final thought she would keep to herself.

Her decision was to go to LA for a year or so, no more, to learn everything she could from Rebecca, to squeeze every last drop of juice from the opportunity. Madeleine would also tell her of her plans to set up her own business, right here in the UK. She would seek advice from the woman who had been her mentor, who had given her a chance, her first job, and a taste of a different life. Rebecca, the woman she would forever feel indebted to; she was looking forward to face-to-face discussions over a glass of sparkling water and a decent lunch. Salade Nicoise, probably.

This new chapter in her life was about learning all she needed to be the best she could for Edith, the best daughter to Marnie and Doug and the best friend to Trina. It was about unlearning all she had worked so hard to perfect over the last few years. But primarily, it was about finding balance – it was about finding happiness!

Trina knocked on the door, standing confidently in her jeans, wellington boots and jumper, and they waited.

‘Do you remember that enormous penis?’ Trina whispered, nodding towards the front of the cottage.

‘His name was Quentin and he was a dentist.’

They leaned into each other, laughing, just like that, just like they used to. It made her happy, so happy. So happy.

Jimmy opened the door and ran his hand up through his hair, a habit that had taken her, and she suspected always would, right back to him in the playground, where he did just that, part of their history.

He beamed at his guests. ‘Hey, you two! Madeleine, well, this is a surprise! I thought you were ...’ He pointed towards the sky.

‘I was, I am. I’ll still make my flight. But I just wanted to talk to you before I went, and to give Edith one last hug.’

‘Sure!’ He nodded, his expression as open as ever.

Trina handed Jimmy the board game and pulled off her wellington boots before upending them on to the metal wellie rack, where they sat next to the pink ones with little unicorns on them. As if this was where they were meant to be.

Madeleine could see it then: a future where Trina came home from the bank and prepared supper or collected Edith from school, or walked up the aisle with Jimmy or had another baby, a sibling for Edith to adore, and Trina would invite Marnie over for a cup of tea and they’d talk about the weather. Trina, who would live here, make a home, and climb into bed every night to snuggle close to the person she loved and who would love her back. Trina, who would feel content, eat nice food, knowing she got to spend every average day wrapped in love.

And she wanted it for her friend, her sister. She wanted it all for the people she loved.

‘I just wanted to let you know that I won’t stay in LA indefinitely. I’m thinking no more than a year, and then I’m coming home. And when I come home’ – she swallowed – ‘I want to see more of Edith. I want to know more about her, and I guess I want her to know more about me. I know you’ve got things perfectly under control, and Edith is thriving! But I want to be part of it. I want more of Edith.’

‘I think that sounds like a plan, and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.’ He spoke softly. ‘And I know someone who will be pleased to see you.’

As if on cue, Edith bounded along the hallway and just the sight of her, hair falling over her little smiling face, her bare feet dancing on the wood, it was almost more than she could stand. The thought of how much she had missed, determined to make the most of this chance she had been given.

‘Mummy!’ Edith, who without explanation was in full pirate costume, complete with beard and eyepatch, jumped into her arms, and Madeleine held her close, inhaling the scent of her little girl. ‘Are you going to take me to the Tower of London and Legoland?’

‘Yes.’ She spoke with certainty. ‘When I’m back to visit at Christmas, we’ll take those trips. We’ll take lots of trips, if that’s okay with Dad?’

‘Course it is!’ He smiled at her.

Edith wriggled to be free and disappeared inside the house.

‘I’m not staying, Jimmy; I have to get to the airport.’

‘Come on, Trina! I’m waiting for you to play the game! I haven’t got all day!’ Edith shouted impatiently from inside.

‘I’ve been summoned! I’d better go.’ Trina pointed inside.

‘You better had.’ She nodded.

‘I never stopped loving you, Mads.’ Trina squeezed her fingers. ‘See you soon, yeah.’

‘Yep, see you soon. I’ll come and visit at Christmas.’

‘Bring me a Barbie!’ Edith yelled from the table. ‘But if you can’t afford it, don’t worry about it!’

She held a long, lingering look with Jimmy, who smiled at her in the way that he did. ‘I’ll be okay, Maddie. You know that, don’t you? It’ll all work out how it’s meant to.’

‘Yes. I think I do.’

The chair in her first-class cabin was wide, comfortable and she looked forward to sleeping in it. There were far worse ways to travel. Her seat was deep inside a small walled pod, which provided both privacy and luxury. Madeleine leaned back and closed her eyes, smiling at the thought of Trina and Jimmy playing their board game with the littlest pirate. Trina, who would get to live her own fairytale.

‘Sorry to disturb you, madam.’

‘That’s fine.’ She smiled at the air steward.

‘You looked so peaceful – it’s just that I’m doing the rounds. Do you have everything you need?’

‘I think so, yes.’

‘The flight time today is eleven and a half hours, so we are on schedule to land at seven thirty local time.’

‘Smashing.’

‘And could I ask what your preference would be for lunch?’

The woman gave her a small, stiff card that was printed in an ornate gold script.

She smiled wryly and handed it back. ‘The gnocchi for me, please.’

The plane now ascended into the sky and she looked down at the sprawl of the capital city she had always called home. The place to which she would return. Her thoughts went to Nico, spectacular Nico, who had failed to send her another thumbs-up, failed to make contact at all. It was probably for the best – better it fail now in the early stages than falling for the man even more deeply and having her heart properly smashed further down the line. She wondered whether, if she thought this often enough, it might make it easier to believe.

What she truly wanted was the chance to explain to him, to tell him truthfully about her journey, about the one choice she had made that seemed to filter into her whole life. Something that had driven her in her chosen career because she hadn’t believed that she could have it all. And while other women spoke with pride about their little ones, she would have her achievements on her CV, an immaculate home, and a bank balance to reflect it, because work for her was easy, being a mother was not, and it was just how she was – this was what she had believed. This she knew was a mantra she had hidden behind, a shield of her own making, because trying to have it all had felt impossible. Until now ...

Something Trina had said a long time ago came to her now.

I just want someone who is going to show up, someone who instinctively knows what I want and when I need it, and who just shows up!

Trying to dampen the feeling of loneliness that wrapped itself around her, she more than understood. It sounded perfect.

It was as she placed her phone face down on the tray table to her right that it beeped and a message came in.

A video no less, from ... She squinted to read ... Jimmy!

The moment she pressed ‘Play’, her heart soared. It was actually a message from Edith.

She was still wearing her pirate hat, which now sat askew on the top of her head, and there was chocolate around her mouth.

‘Mummy! I know you’re on your way to Lanzarote, but I wanted to tell you that the Barbie I want is vet Barbie, because I think I’m going to be a vet and look after animals. Oh, and I found Minty! We went for a walk over the school field yesterday, and I dug her up and got my sock back! But don’t tell Nanny as she said dead mice are germy.’

Madeleine couldn’t help the laughter that burst from her. This kid! This wonderful kid!

‘Don’t forget about our trips. I told Dad we can do a sleepover at your house and I can bring sweets and things for us to eat. Or we could have a picnic! Nanny takes me on picnics – we sit on the bench and have macaroni cheeeeeeeese!’ She exaggerated the word, her funny, funny little thing. Edith’s face was suddenly close to the camera so all Madeleine could see was the child’s nostrils, as she whispered, ‘And I’ll remind you to get some sliced chicken! I love you and ... Trina is rubbish at Hungry Hippos.’ Edith paused and pulled the camera away, giving her the perfect view of this little girl’s beautiful, beautiful face, the grey-blue eyes of her mother, grandmother and great-grandmother staring back at her. Eyes that would see the whole wide world. If they wanted to. ‘And ... that’s it!’

The camera was suddenly and unceremoniously dropped, leaving Madeleine with a view of the ceiling in Jimmy’s kitchen.

‘Jimmy! I think your iPad might have had a bashing!’ Trina’s voice could be heard in the background just before the recording ended. There had been something in her tone that spoke of contentment, of happiness, as if she had found her place. Somewhere she was content to be, free to be happy, somewhere that felt like home.

Just as it should be ... Her best friend, making the most of this one life.

‘She sounds like a handful, and I mean that in the nicest way. I have two like that at home!’ The steward smiled as she gathered empty glasses.

‘She is a handful, but so smart, and funny! So funny!’

Madeleine spoke confidently, knowing she was this little girl’s champion, her flag bearer, part of her support system and the one who would love her till her last breath on earth.

She shook her head, swiping at the tears that coursed down her face.

‘My daughter, my daughter, Edith-Madeleine. My pocketful of sunshine.’