4. Zane

FOUR

ZANE

C aryn sleeps in the passenger seat next to me. Her head rests against the window and her mouth is ajar. She emits these little snores, which are cute, and brings a smile to my face. Although, my smile quickly changes to a grimace when I hit a pothole or have to quickly spin the steering wheel to dodge one. I’m afraid she’s going to smack her head against the window if I’m not careful.

I readjust my position, looking for a bit of comfort. The drive time from the city to my dad’s is about four hours, with no traffic. The thing is, there is always traffic. I can’t think of a day since I moved to New York when there hasn’t been traffic. Even at three in the morning when I stumbled my way home from the bar. And then there’s interstate 91. It has to be the worst drive ever. As soon as we’re out of Massachusetts, the towns in Vermont become far and few between, not to mention driving over the mountain pass is treacherous, especially in the winter .

My eyes glance into the rearview mirror and then drift to the luggage in the back. I shake my head at how much stuff Caryn brought. None of it is gifts, and I don’t want to know how much she spent. I’m just thankful it didn’t come out of my pockets. Money is something we don’t agree on, and it’s hard for me to swallow. My father always took care of our family, and I intend to do the same thing. However, Caryn doesn’t want to live on a budget or not spend her parents’ money. She says I should appreciate it, but it makes me feel like less of a man. There’s no reason she needed ten new pairs of heels to come to Vermont. What she needed was L.L.Bean winter wear, not crap from Bloomingdale’s.

My body sighs as soon as we’re off the mountain. I flex my hands a couple of times, hoping to remove the stiffness after white-knuckling it for the past twenty or thirty minutes. I’m thankful it’s not snowing and hasn’t snowed in the past few days. Driving over the pass with slush on the road makes driving sketchy. Especially when you’re behind or meeting an oncoming semi. They don’t slow down and there isn’t anywhere for them to go.

Caryn stretches and yawns. She looks at me. I smile at how rumpled she looks. It won’t last and as soon as she pulls the visor down, she’ll fix her hair and worry about the sleep creases on her face. I wish she’d understand that I’m in love with her and not the way she looks or how she dresses.

“Are we almost there? ”

“We are.” I point at the sign coming up, showing how many miles there is until Deer Ridge.

“Oh, gosh. Why didn’t you tell me I look hideous?” She starts frantically rubbing her face.

“Because you don’t. I think you’re beautiful.” I reach over and put my hand on her leg, giving it a squeeze. “My dad is going to love you.”

“I can’t wait to meet him.” She closes the visor and glances at me. “Where should we go to dinner tonight? I looked at a few places, but there’s none with a Michelin star.”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I’m not sure a food critic has ever stepped foot in Deer Ridge, let alone one who gave out the coveted star.

“Um . . . I’m not sure what will be open.”

“What do you mean? It’ll be one in the afternoon when we get there.”

“Well, it’s Monday and a lot of places are closed on Mondays.”

Caryn looks at me like I have three heads.

“What?” I laugh, hoping she relaxes a bit.

“Seriously? How are we supposed to eat?”

“We can eat at my dad’s or take him over to Colonie for dinner. All the chains will be open for sure.”

“A chain?” Caryn’s nose scrunches in disgust.

“There’s nothing wrong with chains.” I steer us around a curve and try to keep my irritation at a minimum. It’s not Caryn, it’s her parents. They raised her this way.

“Well, they’re dirty. ”

I shake my head and glance at her. “Do you remember when we were at Six and the rat ran across the floor?”

Her eyes widen. “Yes! We haven’t been back.”

“Because the health department shut them down. All restaurants have to follow the same rules. Chains aren’t the only ones who are dirty.”

“Okay,” she says, sighing. “What does your dad like to eat? I’ll look up a place.”

I don’t bother telling her that cell service is spotty and questionable. It’s something she’s going to have to get used to.

“He likes everything, but let’s wait until we get to town. Then you can connect to Wi-Fi.”

Caryn holds her phone up, looking for a signal. “This is bananas.”

“We’re used to it.”

She shakes her head and sets her phone down. “Are you sure your dad will like me?”

“Yes.” I reassure her, although I suspect he’s going to be reserved and standoffish. A piece of him died a little when my mother passed away. I suppose I did as well, and it’s probably the reason I haven’t come back to town. I haven’t been the best son since and I’m honestly not sure how my dad is going to take us showing up. It doesn’t matter how many times I tried to call him, I couldn’t find the words to tell him we’re coming for Christmas.

“Oh, Zane!” Caryn is staring out the window as we drive through town. The recent snowfall makes everything look even more magical. It’s a gloomy day, so the streetlights are already on, and the garland wrapping around the poles has a decent smattering of snow in strategic places. It looks like someone came along and placed handfuls of powder there to enhance the decorations.

“Why doesn’t New York do this?”

“The stores decorate,” I remind her.

“Yes, but look at the poles and the storefronts. Oh, look . . .” Caryn points at the red truck parked along the side of the road, with its wooden side rail slats. I don’t even need to look at the logo on the side to know the truck belongs to Reindeer Ridge Farm.

My heart twists, or maybe it’s a double tap as my eyes scan the sidewalks for the familiar blonde with piercing green eyes. The last I knew, she moved back to Deer Ridge, but then again, that was years ago and for all I know she’s not here now. Or maybe she will be when it’s closer to Christmas.

With her family .

Thinking about my ex having a family shouldn’t make me sad or even feel like I’m missing something. I’m not. I’m happy with Caryn. We’re going to be married and will hopefully start our own family soon. But I can’t help but wonder how my life would be different if Evangeline and I had stayed together. I imagine we’d have two, maybe three kids, and we’d both work two jobs because working for our family would be expected. Especially this time of year.

No, now that I think about it and can fuzzily picture a different life, I know I made the right decision. Moving to New York and taking the job with Caryn’s dad has been life changing and exactly what I needed and wanted for my law career.

I quit looking for my ex. She’s an ex for a reason and needs to stay that way. I’m sure I’m the last person she wants to see anyway. I slow when I come to a crosswalk and Caryn lets out a little giggle.

“It’s so cute how we have to stop so they can cross.” She’s looking out the front window, her head moving right to left and her smile beams.

“We have to stop for pedestrians here.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t drive. I might forget.”

On the inside, I cringe. It’s a damn good thing she doesn’t drive.

“This town is adorable, Zane. How come we didn’t visit sooner?”

I give her a cockeyed look. She rolls her eyes.

“Okay, yes, I know my parents are demanding. I should call my mom. She and Dad need to definitely drive up for Christmas.”

“My dad’s house isn’t big enough for all of us.”

“Surely, the inn will have enough room.”

I say nothing and turn on my signal to wait for a spot along the curb. The driver waves as he pulls out and I move forward. “You should get out here.”

“What? Why?”

I motion toward the slushy snowbank then glance at her shoes and grimace. “Never mind. I’ll park so you can change your shoes.”

“These go with my outfit, Zane.”

“It’s snowing.” I pull forward and then back into the spot easily. “And they’re going to get ruined by all the crap on the sidewalk. The town puts salt on the sidewalks.”

“Well, I don’t want to ruin my boots.”

“Better than the heels you’re wearing. I don’t want you to slip, either.”

Caryn sighs heavily. I shut the SUV rental off and get out, careful of where I step. I didn’t think about putting on boots or galoshes and have no choice but to hop, skip, and leap over piles of dirty slush.

At the passenger door, I open it and reach for Caryn’s hand. She hasn’t changed her shoes, and she can’t say I didn’t warn her. I help her out of the car, lifting her as much as possible over the pile of plowed snow. After I set her down, she straightens her clothing and looks up at me.

“It’s a bit cold.”

“No colder than a windy day in the city.”

Caryn rubs her hands together and then links her fingers with mine. “What are we doing here?”

I point down the street at the general store. “That is the store my dad owns.”

“Oh,” she says as she takes it in. “I thought it was . . . well, I don’t know what I thought. It looks a bit run down.”

She’s not wrong. But in saying so, I feel guilt weighing heavily on me. I left him to take care of the store by himself, not that I ever wanted to be involved. My aspirations were different. Small-town living wasn’t for me.

“Come on, let’s go say hi.”

As we walk along the sidewalk, people stare at Caryn, giving her odd looks because she’s wearing high heels. No one in Deer Ridge and the other towns nearby wears high heels outside, especially in winter. It’s unheard of because it’s not safe. Even my teachers would switch out their shoes before going home.

We are within steps of the store when the aromatic scent of pine washes over me. I stop walking and inhale. The trees we have in our apartment are all fake.

“I don’t know why people want actual trees. They’re so messy,” Caryn comments.

Her statement shouldn’t stun me, but it does. I’ve always had a real tree until I met Caryn. It didn’t bother me until recently.

I hold the door of Whitaker’s General Store and wait for her to enter. The bell overhead chimes and an instant flush of memories comes back of me stocking shelves every morning during the summer, waiting for lunch so I can bike to the lake with my friends. Those days were the highlight of my life. Summers at the water, biking until it was too dark to see. There were and still are very few streetlights except on Main Street, so we rode until we couldn’t. Then started over the next day.

Things changed when I became older. I had more responsibilities which I didn’t mind because I had a paying job and used most of my money to buy my girlfriend ice cream down at the Tasty Freeze.

Those were the days.

With my hand on the small of Caryn’s back, I direct her toward the counter. My dad walks around the corner, and does a double take. After a moment, he smiles and comes around the counter. We hug tightly, patting each other’s back.

He steps back and keeps his hands on my shoulders. “My son.”

“Hey, Dad.”

“Boy, I’m happy to see you.”

“Me too.” My words barely make it out of my mouth as my heart seizes a bit. It hits me like a ton of bricks, how much I’ve missed my dad. Tears cloud my vision, and I let them fall. They are far overdue.

“Dad, I’d like you to meet my fiancé, Caryn Bamford.” I look from him to Caryn. “Caryn, this is my dad, Bernie Whitaker.”

Dad holds his hand out, and Caryn shakes it.

“It’s nice to meet you, Bernie.”

“You too,” he says quickly and then turns to me. “Are you passing through?”

“Nope, we’re here for the rest of the month. I thought it would be good for Caryn to spend some time in Deer Ridge.”

Pop looks at her quickly and then at me again. I get the sense he’s not impressed, and that’s my fault. Not Caryn’s. I could’ve brought her home many times over and I haven’t.

“Store looks great.” I look around but realize my words aren’t exactly true. The store needs a lot of work. Maybe it’s time to sell.

“It’s okay,” Dad says. “Evangeline helps me out whenever she can. She even sends some guys over from the farm to help.”

“Ev . . . Evangeline?” I clear my throat and feel Caryn’s gaze on me. I refuse to look at her. “She’s here?”

“Of course she is. Comes by every day. Sometimes, twice a day.”

Great.

“Who’s Evangeline?” Caryn asks.

I’m about to tell my fiancé that Evangeline is no one, but my dad says otherwise.

“She’s the one his mother wanted him to marry.”