Chapter Thirty-Six

As you watch Myron Bolitar, two competing, disparate thoughts ricochet through your brain.

One: You have lost control of the narrative.

Two: It is going exactly according to plan.

You no longer know which is true. You wonder whether there is a world where this paradox could be made whole, where the contradictions become harmonious. In a sense, it doesn't matter. You are coming to the end of the journey.

That means killing Myron.

You wonder whether you are being analytical here or if you are looking for a rationalization. The truth—the hard truth—is you are still sane enough to know that you are not sane. You enjoy killing. You enjoy it a lot. You also believe that there are many people who feel—or would feel—exactly the same as you. You are not so different from them, but they have never let themselves "go there," to use a popular modern idiom, so they don't know what monster may lie dormant within them.

You have.

It changed you.

You hadn't expected that. If you'd ever been asked to ponder what killing another human would have been like, you'd have honestly said that idea holds no appeal to you, that the thought of murder repulses you. Like anyone would. Like a so-called "normal" person. You were one of them. You'd never cross that line. And you never meant to. But once you did, well, things changed, didn't they? For a moment you were a god. You felt an exhilarating rush like nothing else before. It knocked you down in surprise. And that's when you knew.

You would seek the feeling again and again.

Even now, you don't consider yourself a psychopath. You feel like someone who had an epiphany, a rare insight with almost religious undertones, and so now you see the world with a clarity that mere mortals can never quite understand.

And yet.

And yet, with that same clarity, you also know that you are unwell. You just don't care. Circular reasoning but there you go. Human beings are selfish creatures. We want what we want, and the rest of the world is window dressing, background, extras in a movie in which we are the only star that matters. And so you recognized that you are trying to justify what you've become, all the while knowing that at the end of the day, you don't really care.

You watch Myron take the phone call.

You have the gun. You have the plan.

Before the sun rises again, it will be over for Myron Bolitar.

And for others…

This time, you really aren't sure.