Chapter 14

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

Mother is all about appearances.She didn’t leave the transference ceremony early a few weeks ago when I vomited and she sent me tumbling down the steps, so I know she won’t tonight either. I can count on her to linger for at least another hour or so.

After tonight, it seems Dash is the only one I can trust, even if I’m hesitant to accept that. Aside from knowing I’m the vessel, he’s also the one who freed me from Mother’s control, a hold I wasn’t even aware of before he came along. I don’t want to trust him, but I have to. Surely he has a plan to get me out of this mess, or I’ll face Mother’s wrath.

As I rush toward the library, I remember I promised Ilona I’d spend time with her tonight. She’ll be upset when I fail to show up, but surely she’ll understand after I explain what happened. She’ll forgive me.

Glancing both ways down the hallway to ensure no guards linger, I’m relieved to find I’m alone. Sliding the library doors shut behind me, I peel the veyl from my head. I scurry through the towering aisles, making my way to the furthest corner of the romance section. Dash is waiting for me, clad in Hakranian leathers, his headpiece resting on the shelf beside him.

“What the hell was that?” I ask without preamble.

“Do you trust me now?”

“Never,” I say.

“Your mother is a threat to everyone, even you.”

I refuse to share my own fears with him. I refuse to agree with him or side with him. In my mind, he is just as bad as Mother.

“All those sacrifices over the years—the lives you’ve gifted her—they’ve enhanced her abilities as a myndox.” His eyes flick to somewhere over my shoulder, remaining alert for anyone that might find us. But the library is as quiet as ever. “We weren’t certain at first, but now we are.”

“Who’s we?”

“Emman and Joccelyn. My parents.”

“The—wait.” My brows pinch together as I process his words. “Your parents?”

He gives me a shy smile, and I clench my jaw at him, fingers inching toward my waistband where my dagger hides. I will not let him charm his way out of this, not until I have the answers I came for. “Zale is still the true heir of Stellaris. I followed the path of a warrior. It was a wise move, considering it allows me to move about fairly undetected. No one expects a guard to have such powerful myndox abilities.”

“You have a different last name,” I point out lamely, still not fully accepting this bomb of information.

“I’m adopted. Though I’ve never admitted that to anyone.” He gives me a soft smile. “Until you.”

Dash appears genuine, but fear crawls up my throat anyway. Ever since he and the Vannyks arrived, he has done nothing but lie to me. Or has he? Grudgingly, I can admit to myself that he was right about Mother and the hold she had over me.

But this is yet another fact he kept from me. What else is he keeping from me?

“I don’t understand,” I say.

“The Vannyks took me in when I was young. My parents died, and the king and queen found me wandering the streets, dirty, hungry, and alone, on one of their many visits to the city center. If it wasn’t for them adopting me as their own son—” His story reminds me of Ilona, except, instead of gaining a new mother in Enira, she really only lost her own—and at my hand. It cuts deep. “They took me in, protected me, loved me. With them, I learned how to use my power, and I got a chance for a better life.”

“What did they want in exchange?” I ask.

He shoots me an incredulous look. “Not everyone is like Enira. Some people are genuinely kind and do things out of the goodness in their heart. The Vannyks, for example.”

“They didn’t force you to become a guard? To use you for your abilities?”

“Absolutely not.” He chuckles. “I chose that path for myself. They never forced anything upon me.”

“So it was fully your choice to assault me at the falls?”

“I told you, it’s not what you think.”

“Where two falls merge and two lips meet, hearts are joined, their power complete,” I whisper, reciting the passage from the Paramour Falls’ book of lore and changing the subject back to what really matters.

His expression softens at my words, which is the opposite of what I was expecting. I had anticipated a fearful reaction or aggression at me discovering what he’s up to.

“You took my power,” I whisper accusingly. Lightning bolts of fury strike through my body, a prelude to the rage I know is coming if this conversation continues.

“No. You’ve got it wrong.” He runs a hand through his messy tresses. “You can’t take someone’s power. You can only freely share it.”

“I didn’t freely share anything with you.” My eyes narrow as I cross my arms over my chest.

“No, but I shared my power with you.” His voice lowers as he steps toward me carefully, his soft eyes drinking in my reaction.

Chewing my bottom lip, I contemplate this. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Where two falls merge and two lips meet, hearts are joined, their power complete,” he says, reciting the same passage back to me. “A willing kiss behind the falls opens the doors to power sharing.”

“You insulted me, attacked me, forced me to kiss you.”

“Would you have kissed me back? Before all that?”

“Yes! I was beginning to like you, Dashiel Dargan, you dirty bastard!”

“Exactly.” His eyes drop to my lips briefly. “But I couldn’t let you.”

We stand there in silence, as if Dash is waiting for something to click for me.

“When I willingly kissed you, my power expanded into your own,” he says.

Something finally snaps into place. “But I didn’t kiss you back,” I breathe out.

“Exactly. You never shared your power with me, because you didn’t willingly kiss me. I am truly sorry if I hurt you—for scaring you—but I don’t regret what I did, and I’m not sorry for doing what I needed to in order to protect you from Enira.”

The hurricane of feelings inside of me calms, swirling around the edges and waiting to consume me again. It’s as if I’m in the eye of my own emotional storm.

He scared me on purpose—insulting me and forcing a wedge between us so I wouldn’t want the kiss—so I wouldn’t like it. All so I wouldn’t return it and unwittingly share my power with him.

He was protecting me.

I don’t need anyone to protect me, least of all this Stellari guard, but something about his words brings me warmth. My knees go weak at his admission, and I can’t help but find it endearing.

“You seemed so certain in your accusations of me being a slaughterer,” I accuse, pursing my lips.

“It needed to be believable. You’re an intelligent woman. I knew that was a sore spot and figured it would work.”

“What exactly is it you can do, myndox?” I ask, though I’m certain I already know the answer. The Vannyks are unable to be manipulated by other myndoxes.

If he’s more powerful than his family, which I’m starting to sense is the case, it could explain why he’s immune to my vygora powers as well.

“I’m impervious to mental and emotional magic,” he says, confirming my suspicions. “I can also hear the thoughts of others.” Even in the dim light, I see a flash of color rise in his bronze cheek as he glances at me sheepishly.

A mind-reading myndox. I’ve heard of them but never met one. Then again, he’s probably never met a vygora capable of sucking and transferring life force.

Motherfucker.

“You listen to my thoughts?” I ask defensively, my voice rising, summoning my anger.

He shakes his head, hair tumbling around his cheeks. “Not now. Not with my power in you. My—our power prevents it. You’re safe from all intrusions.” There’s something intimate in his words. The way he calls it ours rather than his. As if he truly has freely given me access to his powers and it belongs to both of us now.

“But before? You did, didn’t you?”

At least he has the courtesy to flinch, embarrassment and regret flitting across his face.

“That’s how I was so sure you were unlike your mother,” he mumbles. He steps closer, and I don’t flinch as he reaches out to run his rough thumb over my smooth cheek. His brown-gold eyes bore into my own, and my stomach tosses with anticipation.

Things start shifting into place–all the smirking he’s been doing, how he stifled a laugh during the first royal breakfast, how he’s been egging me on—he knew exactly what I was thinking. He found it amusing. It also means he probably knows what Mother is thinking. It would also explain why he told me not to trust Commander Jamell—something I’ll need more information about later.

“Your intentions might’ve been…dare I say, good? But this is still an enormous violation. There is so much wrong with what you just told me that I—forget it,” I say, rubbing my neck. If I take the time to dissect my feelings on what he said, I’m going to lose sight of the more pressing issues. “You did something wrong. My magic is on the fritz, and I’m not certain your power sharing worked properly.”

Although clearly part of the power sharing worked. I was able to refuse Mother twice now: once when she ordered me to acquire a hair-growth tonic and again tonight when I didn’t accept a sacrifice for the first time in many years. The desire to refuse has been there before, but I’ve never been able to overcome it. Until recently.

It was a haunting confirmation, one I needed but didn’t want. Mother has been invading my mind, influencing my free will to do her bidding, for goddess knows how long. Part of me feels better knowing I didn’t truly want to steal life forces, but another part feels utterly betrayed and defeated.

I am a murderer.

Dash might’ve been saying those cruel words to sever my attraction to him and push me away, and he might not have meant them, but that doesn’t make them any less true.

On top of that, my mother places more value on me as her subservient vessel than as her daughter.

“What do you mean?” he asks, his brows drawing in tightly.

“I’m unable to hear anyone’s thoughts.”

He laughs, and the dimple on his cheek appears. “Have you even tried, Princess? You’ve been guzzling down Cedrik’s mind-numbing concoctions like an addict.”

“I can’t say I have.”

“I suppose I’ll have to teach you that in addition to fighting now.” He winks, and I look away, heat rising in my cheeks.

“It’s kind of impossible to overcome all the screaming anger and sadness that consumes me lately, not to mention everyone else’s emotions. I don’t even have to try to feel them these days, and I can’t block them out. It’s like you amplified my own magic. It’s uncontrollable.”

His brows dip, and he cocks his head at me, contemplating my words. “Nothing about your magic should’ve changed. I swear it. You should’ve only received a link to access mine.”

“Maybe I need to fuel up on life force,” I mumble, telling him what Cedrik told me weeks back before Mother manipulated his memory.

“Did you go through with it tonight?” he asks. I shake my head. “I know I told you to play along with her, but I’m secretly glad you did what was best for you.”

“Let’s hope.”

“Did you outright decline the transference?”

“No. I pretended to try, as if I truly meant to deliver a life force per usual. When she realized what was happening, she pretended it worked to avoid embarrassment.”

“Okay good. So she’s not onto you.”

“Maybe not, but she’s not stupid. She’s going to know something is off, and she’s going to be livid.”

Dash shakes his head. “You need to visit Cedrik. My parents are keeping Enira occupied, so you have a little time to get there. He’ll have a diagnosis for you, one your mother will have no choice but to accept. At least for the time being.”

“Cedrik is in on this?”

Dash smirks. “Your mother might be able to manipulate him with her power, but he’s from Stellaris originally. He and Joccelyn were close long ago, and luckily he remembers her. Though that is a story for another time. Quick version, he trusts my family. We filled him in on everything, and he’ll help. He’s never liked Enira.”

Suddenly, it’s as if I’m a stranger in my own palace. The person I was supposed to trust unwaveringly—my mother—has been exploiting my love and loyalty. Cedrik, whom I previously pitied, is strong enough to stand against my mother. And when I thought Dash was abusing me, he was actually protecting me.

He wasn’t stealing anything from me—not my kisses, not my power. He was giving me my free will back. The free will I hadn’t known I’d lost. Though it offers me a semblance of reassurance, it doesn’t change that he’s been actively involved behind my back in plots that directly affect me.

“You should go, Princess, before someone catches us in here.”

My eyes well with tears. I’m oddly relieved though overwhelmed. Dash still has a long way to go to earn my trust and repair whatever blossoming friendship we had, but somehow I’m comforted to know he’s looking out for me. That he’s on my side—him, the Vannyks, and Cedrik. I need to be cautious, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in dealing with whatever Mother is plotting.

I’m aware Dash has secrets and plans that I know nothing of, but like I played along with Mother, I’ll play along with him, see what I can learn.

I’m not working with either him or Mother; I’m working for myself and my future. Maybe, possibly, Dash will earn my trust along the way, but I’m not holding my breath. I’ve been tossed around and tricked too much already.

The dam inside me breaks, and the tears begin to fall. I curse quietly.

“It’s okay to let it out.” He reaches out, taking my hands in his own, giving them a squeeze. I feel soft and breakable beneath his strong, callused skin. “You’re not alone anymore.”

The tears fall harder at his words. “Did you just read my thoughts?”

“Not at all. I can’t anymore. You’re protected.” He chuckles.

“Then how did you know what I was thinking, huh?”

“You might be a powerful princess, but you’re still human, and I know you, Astrid.”

“We’ve only known each other for a few weeks.”

“Don’t stab me for saying so, but I feel like it’s been longer than that. I know you have a dagger tucked in your pants.”

I chuckle halfheartedly through the snot and tears covering my face before patting my blade to make sure it’s still there. “I’m feeling really… I don’t even know what. Sad. Grateful. Overwhelmed. But, Dash, I don’t normally cry like this. I’m not a crier.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being one, you know.”

“There wouldn’t be if it was normal for me, but this is what I’m talking about. I can’t control my emotions. It’s like I’m feeling everything tenfold, and it’s eating me alive. Cedrik’s tonic from this morning is wearing off. I don’t want to be consumed by myself, but I also refuse to drink more of his medicine and turn into a ghost of myself. I’m sick of being useless, yet I feel useless either way.”

“You’re never useless, sweetheart.” He tenderly wipes my tears away before placing a hand on each cheek and forcing me to look up at him.

“It feels like so much lately. So much that I can’t breathe.” Earlier, I despised Dash with my entire being. Now, I’m opening up to him in a way I’ve never explored even with myself.

I blame it on the irrational sorrow pouring out of me, the desperation to be understood and not be alone in the midst of all these cruel games.

“That’s the problem with feelings,” he says. “We need emotions to feel alive. But too few harden us, and too many weaken us. Let yourself feel, if that’s what you need to do. You have me, and I won’t let you drown.”

His eyes glisten with authenticity, and I’m glued to his intense gaze. We stand there, only inches separating us, with his hands cupping my face. We stare at each other, stripped naked and vulnerable.

Stepping even closer, he releases my face and trails a knuckle up the side of my arm, leaving a line of goosebumps behind.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Astrid. Please believe me.”

Swallowing thickly, I nod. “I think I believe that.” And I do, but it still doesn’t mean I forgive him. It definitely doesn’t mean I trust him.

“I mean it. My family is good, truly good. We care deeply for each other and our people. When we learned about Queen Enira and Hakran, we wanted to help, to free them. I never meant to—to begin caring for you like I do.”

“Was there ever even a threat to Stellaris, or was that a lie too?”

“Unless you count your mother, no, there wasn’t, but our plan served its purpose. It got us to Hakran.”

“Yeah and your guards, which are likely under Mother’s control at this point.”

“Maybe, but she can’t manipulate my family, and now she can’t use you either. We have a plan; I just need you to trust me. Do you trust me?”

Unable to give him the answer he wants to hear, I glance away. He reads my expression, stepping back and putting space between us. There’s a longing in his face, and he looks like he’s fighting the urge to grab me and kiss me.

Part of me wishes he would—wishes he would paint over the tainted memory of our last kiss with a new one. But another part of me wants him to keep his distance, while I’m still unsure of his intentions. Talk is one thing, but only his actions will prove what’s in his heart.

“Go,” he says. “Seek Cedrik. We have plans in motion.”

“Can you find Ilona and let her know everything? Please? We need to watch out for her too.”

“Of course.” He seems relieved that we’re working together instead of being at each other’s throats.

There are plenty of things I haven’t forgotten about—like the curly-haired girl who was sneaking out of his room the other day—but despite everything, I feel like I can breathe a little easier. Like things are finally starting to make sense.

I leave him behind in the dark aisle, but I don’t miss the words he says to my retreating back.

“No matter what happens, Astrid, you’re not alone. Don’t ever stop swimming. Don’t let them drown you.”