Chapter 18

EIGHTEEN

Tara

Arlys and Rinan sit by the fire, talking quietly about something. It's not me, though, because every now and then they chuckle. They're acting like nothing happened, like they don't keep hurting my feelings over and over again and making me feel like nothing.

I'm so done with these wolves. But even as the thought hits me, I know it's not true. That's the problem. I'm not done with them. I like them. And I shouldn't, because they don't deserve it.

Drogo is off to the side, brooding. But that's not out of the ordinary for him. Drogo has two emotions: angry and brooding.

None of them have spoken a word to me since our last conversation. They're just so upset Garrick had me first. They don't treat me like a prize, but they want to act like I am one now. Nothing they do makes any sense, and it's driving me crazy.

Frustrated, I decide to go to the river and sense the water again to see how close we are to the source of the curse. I get up and walk towards it, feeling sets of eyes on me as I do so. But I don't care. I need some space, some time to make sense of this all.

As my feet crunch on the leaves and twigs, I try to get my thoughts together, but I'm so lost, so confused. What is my role here, outside of finding the cure? To run off with Garrick and never see the wolves again? It feels… wrong. Yet, that's what everyone wants, right?

And I shouldn't want to be near them. They're assholes.

I sit on a rock by the river and watch the water rush down the mountain. How can something so beautiful be used as a weapon against innocent people? My mother's a monster. Leaning forward, I dip my fingers in and close my eyes. Metal and magic are there, as always, even stronger, but not strong enough. We still have a ways to go.

Sighing, I pull my fingers out of the water and settle back when Wisp appears on my lap. Her sudden bright golden light chases away the shadows from my mind.

"I'm so happy to see you!" I whisper, smiling.

Wisp takes a bow on my lap, and I giggle, overjoyed to see a familiar face after such an emotional few days. This little creature might be responsible for getting travelers lost, but she's always been a guiding light for me. And unlike the wolves, I value the special people in my life.

"Happy," she whispers, and she smiles too, making my heart warm.

Then she waits, and I know she wants me to talk. To tell her what's on my mind. That's one thing about Wisp: she likes to cut right to the chase.

So I decide to start with some of the important things. "I've learned a lot about myself since I've been here with the shifters. I don't feel so useless anymore. My magic has gotten better." I lean in and whisper, "I even used Battle Magic! I melted a giant monster!"

"Battle Magic," Wisp repeats, and her voice is filled with awe.

"Well, I never knew I could use Battle Magic – not that those wolves believe me – but I did use it, and all my other magic has improved. I don't know why. But I've been brainstorming what's different here than back home. I realized that there's no pressure here to use my magic right, so I just end up doing it right anyway. I really like it here."

"Good magic, no pressure."

"Exactly." She waits, and I decide to spill another important fact. "Something else good happened. I had sex with Garrick."

"Good sex?"

"Most definitely. Wisp, it was so so good. Garrick is nice. He actually cares about me." I smile and close my eyes, replaying our encounter in the hot spring together. It was… magical.

I sigh, opening my eyes. "But the wolves are just like my mother. They plan to throw me away when they're done using me. At best. What does it mean when wolves divorce? Do they kill their ex? What if they just leave me out in that forest to fight off monsters?"

At least Garrick would be there with me. Right?

"Divorce monsters," she says very seriously.

I laugh. "They aren't always monsters, but they have been during this trip, and I'm really worried about what they'll do to me when I do find the cure. I have to be braver and stronger than I really am if I'm going to walk away from this safely."

"Brave, strong Tara."

"Exactly, Wisp. But I don't know if I can." I give Wisp a weak smile. "And then there's the other thing. I like the wolves. As imperfect as they are. As stupid, and mean, and possessive as they can be, I like them. I think we could be happy together, if they could just learn to trust me."

"Stupid and mean," she says in a pouty voice.

"They are," I agree, but my thoughts cling to them. "And handsome. And brave. And loyal. They care about each other, and their people. They fight for what's right. If only I was one of the people they cared about."

"They care," she whispers, and I'm about to ask her how she knows, but she disappears, making me tense. What's here? I draw my dagger, suddenly on alert as I hear something approaching from the woods.

Suddenly, Garrick's huge frame appears from behind some trees. "Hey. I heard voices. Are you all right?"

I let out a breath and put my dagger away, telling myself I'm happy it's him and not any of those jerks. Or a monster. I'm definitely glad he isn't a monster.

"I'm fine." I force a smile.

He gives me a look. "Are you really?"

His question makes my shoulders sag and the truth seep out of me. "Truthfully? No."

"What's going on?" he asks, coming to stand in front of me.

I decide to be honest. "I'm really worried about what the wolves will do with me once I solve this problem. They're holding to the plan they agreed on, with no concern about me . It makes me nervous." Garrick is the only one here I'm starting to trust, and it feels good to get that off my chest.

He doesn't seem surprised by my line of thought. "I understand. They're not budging on the whole idea that you're an evil witch they need to use and then be done with. They believe that so deeply that no amount of evidence otherwise will change their minds. We can't be sure what they're going to do when you fix this curse. But listen, if we go back to the wolf lands and they decide to get rid of you as their bride, I'm not strong enough to take them all on."

"Get rid of me?" His words strangely reflect my darkest thoughts.

His expression is intense. "Do you really think they'd keep you around to learn all their secrets and how they run things and then just let you go home? Logically, that would be a terrible idea."

I swallow. Hard. "Logically. Right."

Some part of me could see Drogo capable of doing that, but not Rinan and Arlys. Especially not Rinan. From the beginning, he's always been softer with me. Almost kind. Then again, he also always seems to go along with Drogo, so who knows?

"The only way for you to be truly safe is for us to split off from the wolves before we get to that point." He searches my face for a response, and I'm sure he can see my surprise. That idea never occurred to me.

My thoughts start turning. He's not saying anything that's not true. I'd already come to accept that my future would be with Garrick and the bears, and not with the other princes. But do I really need to abandon the wolves already? The idea of losing them makes my whole chest ache.

"I don't know," I say.

He runs a hand down my arm. "I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do. It's clear you care about those three wolves, even though the gods know they don't deserve it. But my job as your husband is to keep you safe, and you're not safe with them the second you cure the illness. Not when ridding themselves of a witch bride is more important than anything else. Then all logic."

It's hard. He's right. About everything.

He studies me. "The wolves feel something for you, Tara, of that I have no doubt. But I also think when push comes to shove, they'll do what they think is best for their people, regardless of how they feel about you." He shakes his head. "The idiots."

They will. No matter how much it hurts all of us.

"Will you sneak away with me tonight?" he asks.

"Tonight?" I whisper, completely shocked.

I thought I still had days with the wolves, at least. Thinking about never seeing Arlys' thoughtful expression, Rinan's smile, or Drogo's grumpy face makes my heart hurt. Tonight? Why not tomorrow or the next day? Or am I only delaying the inevitable?

"When else can we do this? We'll be at the top of the mountain tomorrow, and you'll fix the water. Then they don't need you any longer and every step after with them could put you in danger. I don't want to head back with them at all. I want to keep you safe."

It's logical. His plan makes sense. So why aren't I on board?

"They'll get mad."

I don't know why that springs to my lips. Why it matters. Why is it so important you don't hurt men who you know literally want to throw you away?

"They're always mad," he retorts, and I laugh. They are always mad, so why worry about it?

"We still need to fix the water. No matter what," I tell him, crossing my arms over my chest.

I won't let anyone suffer any longer, not even to ensure my own safety. I went up this mountain for a reason, and I'm not leaving until I complete the task. I don't want to have endured my time with the wolves with no good behind it.

"Of course. The water's spreading the Illness to everyone: their people and mine. We desperately need your cure. And I desperately need you. We'll fix the water, and I'll take you home to safety. We don't need the wolves for that. All we need to do is get far enough ahead of them that you can fix the water, and we can sneak back down without them, before disappearing into bear lands."

I stare, feeling lost, though I see reassurance in his face.

"We'll do this together. You'll never be alone. I promise." He reaches for my hand, and I look at it for a moment before taking it.

Okay. So I leave the wolves behind. Forever. I can do this.