Chapter Thirty-Nine

The Next Day

L inc sat in his study just as he had the day before, but today he was sober as a judge. After Jos sneak attack the day before, aided and abetted by his own damned servants, he had cleaned himself up and gone straight to bed.

This morning, hed woken up with a hangover that seemed painfully fitting for a three-day bender. His head pounded and his stomach rolled as though he were on a carousel, but he was determined to get himself back togetherafter all, he could only remember a few bits and pieces of his conversation with Jo. Hed already focused on forcing down some breakfast. Now he sat in his study, trying desperately to review his latest correspondence, but the words on the page were not cooperating. They insisted on dancing around on the page as though they were not anchored. Clearly, his head was still spinning from all the drink.

Then a vision in cobalt blue twill floated into his study. He blinked once and then once more. Did it have wings? No, it couldnt have been wings. He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

A full round laugh that could only belong to one woman pealed through the room and his head. He looked up again and blinked to clear the fuzziness.

It was Theo, standing in his study. Has Stone lost you once again?

She laughed again. Stone knows exactly where I am and with whom. She strolled into the room and sat down in the chair across from his desk. In fact, he was going to come over here and, I believe, beat some bloody sense into you. I suggested a different approach would be in order. Come for a drive with me. I assumed since youve been drinking for three days that riding would be far too painful for you, but I think a drive and some fresh air will be just the thing to set you to rights.

Linc looked at her and let all the skepticism he felt for her suggestion show on his face. I think a drive with my ninety-year-old aunt might be helpful. A drive with a dervish such as yourself might be utterly catastrophic for my wellbeing, let alone my state of mind.

Theo harumphed and shot him a disgruntled look that was adorable, but not at all convincing. Well, I hate to tell you that your choices are a ride with me through the park or rounds at Gentleman Jacks with Stone and Flint. She sighed dramatically. I really thought I had offered the lesser of the two evils, but you never know, I might be wrong.

Linc snorted. Unfortunately, it sounds as though your assessment is accurate. A drive with you would be the least painful of the two options. He stood up. I dont suppose you would consider allowing me to drive?

Theo laughed long and loud as she slapped her thigh and bent over double. After a long and head splitting moment, she straightened up and smiled. Nice try, but nobody drives my phaeton but me.

Linc groaned again. You couldnt have brought a barouche or carriage?

Theo snorted. Only the best and fastest vehicle for me, my good sir.

Of course. He rolled his eyes heavenward in a prayer for strength. This was going to be one hell of a ride.

A short while later he was settled on the bench next to Theo, who had a firm grip on the reins of her two horses pulling her phaeton. As they clopped along the street, he found the fresh air was clearing his head and helping to shake off the dregs of the last few days. He was just feeling more himself when Theo broke in to his contemplations on his health.

So, I understand you are under the impression that what happened at the ball is your fault. She lifted one eyebrow and cocked her head at him while keeping her other eye on the road.

News does travel fast. Linc darted a glance at her from the corner of his eye.

Indeed, it does. Oh, bloody hell! Theo cursed roundly as she hauled back on the reins to avoid trampling a dog that shot out into the street.

Lincs heart now pounded in his chest, and he was honestly feeling a little green with that abrupt stop.

As I was saying, Matthew being taken is absolutely not your fault, Theo said the statement as if it were fact.

Her utter confidence in her knowledge was shockingmostly because he knew with the same certainty that it was his fault. Im afraid it is my fault. I was the one responsible for ensuring he remained safe during the ball. I was the one who went up there to check on him throughout the night. I was the one who promised Jo her son would be safe after Arthur and I visited the brute of a brother-in-law. Who else is responsible?

How about Lady Downs? She is, after all, the one who slipped up there and took Matthew, Theo said archly.

But had I done a better job of securing Matthew, she would not have been able to take him, Linc pointed out in what he felt was a perfectly reasonable tone.

Possibly, but you and Arthur laid out the plan for Matthews safety together, did you not?

Linc sighed inwardly. She had a point . Yes, but I handled the execution of the plan.

Yet Arthur had a hand in designing it, believing it to be sufficient. Correct?

Well, yes. Linc couldnt deny that fact.

And you do not blame Arthur for what happened? she asked gently.

I do not. You know I do not. Linc sighed, feeling her point being driven home.

Then why on earth do you hold yourself responsible? Theos exasperation leaked out as she sedately nudged the horses on.

Because Linc huffed out a breath of frustration. Because once again I let someone I love downand I wont do it again. I cant stand the gut wrenching feeling of disappointing people I care about. In the end, when they push me away because it has happened one too many times, itit will destroy me. He wouldnt look at her as he heaved in a breath and tried to calm his racing heart. He couldnt bear it.

Who was it, Linc? Who did you fail? Theo asked quietly as they turned into Hyde Park.

It wasnt the popular hour for promenading, so they were relatively alone as Linc stared at the trees slipping by while images of his past crept up out of the darkness. It wasit was my little sister. The words ripped free from him, scratching his throat.

Theo gasped in surprise. You had a sister?

I dont talk about her because she died, and it is my fault. Shes dead because I failed her. Lincs chest felt like Theo had reached over and sliced him open from neck to navel and reached in to grab a hold of his heart.

What happened? She nudged the horses off the path and pulled them to a stop to allow other vehicles to go by before turning to face him on the bench and press a hand over the one that lay fisted on his thigh.

She was so pretty. All golden hair and big blue eyes, like a little doll. She was five, I was ten. She would follow me everywhere. Linc chuckled grimly, the pain of discussing this stabbing at his insides. I hated that she tried to come with me. Most days I let her, of course, but that daythat day I was determined to leave her at home. I was meeting my friends to go exploring, and they had all said not to come if Melanie came along. The servants were accustomed to her following me, so no one was concerned at first when they couldnt see her.

Theo squeezed his hand in silent encouragement.

By the time I got home from a day of exploring, everyone was worried. When I showed up without Melanie, everyone panicked. I swore to them she was home when I left that morning. At first, they didnt believe me. They swore I was playing a dirty trick on them. But I wasnt. A tear slipped down Lincs cheek as the pain of that day returned. They organized search parties, looked everywhere for her. Finally, I went down to the river we often swam in and hoped I would not find her there. II found her floating in the water. Her hair was caught in the brush by the waters edge, holding her there. It took me a moment to realize she wasnt alive andand she had on nothing but her chemise.

Oh God! Theo choked out the words as tears ran freely down her cheeks.

Linc saw the horror hed felt that day reflected in her eyes. Hed known, even then, that something terrible had happened to his sweet, sweet little sister. Later, of course, he understood the true magnitude of it all, but when hed called out to the searchers and the first adults had arrived, hed known immediately that it was bad. He had waded into the water to pull her out, but she was too heavy for him so hed pulled off his coat and draped it over her floating form to hide the sheerness of her wet chemise from everyone that came.

Lincs mother had arrived as one of the footmen carried her child out of the water, and the woman had collapsed in tears.

As my mother lay weeping over Melanies body, my father looked at me where I still stood, knee deep in the water. He pointed his finger at me and bellowed that it was my faultthat if I had taken her with me that day, this wouldnt have happened, thatthat his baby girl would still be alive. And I knew it was true. If I hadnt left her at home, she wouldnt have tried to go swimming on her own. It was all my fault, because I hadnt done what I knew I should have. Just like with Matthew. Linc shrugged, his shoulders tight with tension.

No! No, your father was wrong to say that. Wrong to blame you, Linc. Melanies death was nobodys fault but the man who attacked her. Theos words came out urgent but gentle.

Regardless, my father held me responsible and shipped me off to boarding school in the autumn. It was the last time I was home until I became an adult. Even decades later I rarely go home and I certainly have no interest in carrying on the title. Linc sighed. But I did fail her. Just as I failed Matthew. And it will happen again. I refuse to inflict that on either Matthew or Jo. It is best if I pull away now.

No. You are absolutely wrong, Linc. They need youall of them need you. More importantly, they miss you. Theo turned and took the reins back into her hands. With a quick shake of the reins and click of the tongue, they lurched forward. Ill show you.

A few moments later, as Linc collected himself, Theo pulled up near one of the ponds in Hyde Park. There he spotted Arthur and Jo sitting close together on a picnic blanket as Matthew ran about chasing the ducks.

What do you see, Linc? Theo asked, waiting for him to answer.

He grunted. A pain shot across his chest as he watched the cozy scene, a scene that felt so distant, so out of reach. I see a man and a woman sharing an intimate moment as their son plays nearby.

Look again. What I see is a man consoling a woman because one of the men she loves, that they love, is not there. He is willfully absent from them. I see a boy who is chasing the ducks, but with a fraction of the gusto he is capable of because he misses his Uncle Linc, who is usually the one chasing the ducks with him. Theo looked at him pointedly.

Linc watched them and he could see the sadness which hung over the little outing like a pall. But it changed nothing. He would do more harm than good if he were there.

Linc, you were a boy. You were not responsible for Melanies death. That was a horrible thing your father said in a moment of griefand what happened to Matthew the other night lies solely at the feet of Lady Downs. No one else is responsible, except perhaps her husband who pursued the issue to begin with. I would wager that if you walked over there, the three of them would welcome you with open arms. They love and miss you as much as you love and miss them. But I believe you owe Jo and Arthur an explanation for why you pulled away. Without that, they will never fully understand whyand who you are.

Theos words settled in Lincs gut and curled around his heart.

Perhapsshe was right? Intellectually, he knew there was little he could have done to stop what happened to his sister. He had been a boy who wanted to go off and be a boy. He hadnt done anything more than be a child.

Could he just walk over there and apologize?

He wouldnt know if he didnt try.

Without a word, Linc climbed down out of the carriage and started over to where his family waited for him.