Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

E mily pulled on the reins and placed a hand on her cap to steady it. The rigors of riding horseback remained the same, despite her lack of recent practice, but it was the views of the countryside that repeatedly took her breath away. Alex had led her along the riverbank that snaked by Markham Estate, through groves of trees, and wide open fields. She never knew what the next corner would reveal, and the morning had been a repeated thrill. Exactly what she had hoped for.

Alex, however, appeared more winded than she'd expected. He seemed grateful for any time she wanted to pause and heaved labored breaths with closed eyes. He had admitted himself he was not a frequent rider, but she did not mention that would be his own fault for not being present on his own property. If it were up to her, she would never leave a place like this.

"What a dream this view is," Emily said, turning to her husband for confirmation.

"I suppose so," he said, without even looking.

Emily smirked at him. "Do you not take any enjoyment in the countryside? "

Alex sighed. "Unfortunately not. I was frequently ill as a boy and did not venture outside often enough to enjoy it fully."

"Oh yes. Of course." The housekeeper had mentioned that. Perhaps Emily should not have spoken so thoughtlessly.

"But if you would like, we could plan a picnic. For a different day, when the weather does not appear as threatening." The sun had disappeared behind a slew of gray clouds, though it did nothing to dampen Emily's mood. The rolling hills were still beautiful to her.

"I would like that very much." Perhaps that would be the perfect opportunity for her to bring up the idea of living separately again. He did not need to know the whole truth of her history, not yet. But she could not subject her heart to living day in and day out with a man who had sworn to never love her. Already she had felt herself softening toward him, and it was too dangerous. She was convinced their living apart might be the only way to keep her heart safe, and happiness for both of them intact.

"I do remember one time as a boy," he spoke, drawing up her attention, "after being stuck indoors for many rainy days, I decided I would go off on a trek. I hiked to that hill over there." He pointed to a distant knoll. "I was all alone, thinking it was some great adventure, but I had taken no food or water, and I had somehow lost sight of the house. I was completely lost and scared and thought I might die. But then I remembered my mother had told me to never lose sight of the river, for when headed north, it would always lead back to Markham Estate. Eventually, when I returned after nightfall, I received an earful, believe me."

Emily smiled, pleased he felt comfortable enough to reminisce with her. "I can see your mother reacting just as you said. How terrible of you to worry her."

"I think she had grown accustomed to me at that point. She knew I was pigheaded." Alex then raised his dark eyes to Emily. "A trait you and I share, I think."

Emily slowly turned to face him, and her cheeks flushed at his inference. "I beg your pardon? Are you aware that it's hardly polite to tell a woman she's pigheaded?"

Alex had the cheek to laugh. Out loud. Throwing his head back, allowing the wind to tousle his hair beneath the rim of his hat. She would have found him attractive were it not for the accompanying insult.

"I said that I myself am pigheaded," he said with a weary smile. "Only that you and I were similar in that regard."

Emily lifted her chin. She wanted to be mad at him, but the more prominent emotion twisting in her chest could only be named humiliation. It was clear now why he could never love her; because he did not like her. Respect her. Perhaps was even ashamed of her.

"That is hardly an improvement." Then clenching her jaw to stay her emotions, she turned her horse sharply and kicked her heels.

"I only meant—no, wait!"

She did not wait. Morgana took off running, and Emily did not care in which direction. She could not bear the sight of her husband, not if he would simply point out her weaknesses. She knew she was greatly flawed, and to have him bring it up so directly sat heavy on her heart. Could they never be happy together, not even once?

The gray clouds opened up in that moment, as if recognizing her severe disappointment. Gentle rain began to dampen the path before her, but she did not look back. She could no longer hear Alex's words or the gallops of his horse behind her. She simply let the rain beat against her face, a welcome sensation.

But it quickly became a deluge, and her goal was no longer to keep ahead of her husband, but to find shelter. She did not want to wait out the storm at a tree with him, so when Markham Estate blessedly came back into view, she urged Morgana faster.

Emily arrived first at the stable, soaked to the bone and heaving for breath. The stablemaster helped her down and placed a hearty blanket around her shoulders. She turned toward the path for the house, wondering how such a beautiful day could end so horribly wrong?

Then Alex rushed in on his horse. "Wait, please," he begged, nearly falling off his horse to get to her.

Emily's cheeks burned again, unable to face him. She wanted to whirl on him, tell him exactly why she couldn't live with him any longer, why his comment had hurt her so deeply, but her tongue remained heavy behind her lips. And when she turned to face him, she immediately regretted running away. He appeared pale and disheveled. The way his shoulders sagged, his brows slouching in earnestness, filled her with shame. She should have waited. She had already pushed him to take her to the estate, then dragged him out on horseback against his will. And she had the audacity to blame him again?

"Forgive me. I'm not feeling myself, and I thought the comment was innocent enough," he said with a sigh, running a hand through his hair and taking a step forward. "But are you truly ignorant of your own traits and habits? Do you deny being stubborn at all?"

"Of course I know it. I am stubborn and strong-willed, and perhaps a touch too independent." Emily pursed her lips. "Damning traits for a woman, I suppose?"

"In London, yes. But those are the things I happen to admire about you."

The disappointment that had clenched around her heart suddenly released, her lips parting in surprise. "What?"

He stepped closer still, his dark brown eyes searching hers. "You are fiery and obstinate, and I would not change that about you for the world." His breathing remained unsteady, though she couldn't be sure if it was from the ride, or from their close proximity, for she had a hard time maintaining her own breath. "However, you are also clever and kind, and many other things."

Emily stood firm without retreating, despite his growing nearness. She heard the jingle of the stable hands working, smelled the sweet hay surrounding them, but only saw the face of her husband, and the rain droplet that trickled from his dampened hair down the side of his clenched jaw.

"How would you know I am kind?" she dared, though her voice was barely more than a whisper.

He smiled, dropping his gaze to the floor. "Everyone who knows you says so. I suppose I will see it someday."

Emily wanted to retort something, but he was right. She had not been kind to him, and the regret in her chest sank deeper as his words rang true. But before she could open her mouth again, he continued. "Shall I tell you more I have noticed about you?"

Her heart skipped a beat, unable to refuse such access to his thoughts. "Such as?"

He searched her face again, and said, "You are quite beautiful, Mrs. Westcott."

The words somehow managed to still her breath, increase her heart rate, and disconnect her mind from any rational thought. He considered her beautiful, admired her tenacity, and still refused to love her? This handsome man who compared her to a pig? What on earth was she supposed to make of him?

He reached up, tucking her soaking strands of hair behind her ear, his finger lingering down her skin. A smile teased one corner of his lip as he said, "And thus, you remain the most infuriating woman."

She should have expected the words, but this time, they did not bear the same cruelty he had in the past. Could it be her imagination, or was there a hint of affection in his tone?

Emily shook her head in sheer frustration and scoffed. "I will have to speak to your mother, sir. She must have taught you nothing about how to compliment a woman."

Alex laughed heartily, making Emily eventually smile herself, but his sounds turned to wretched coughs, doubling over from the efforts.

When he eventually straightened again, Emily watched him carefully. "Are you all right?"

He waved her off. "I am well enough, but will likely take the rest of the day in my room to rest, so you will have to dine without me tonight."

Then before she could object, he ran out into the rain and disappeared into the house. Emily would have to do the same, hurry indoors to get out of her wet things and warm herself by the fire, but for the moment, she was frozen to the spot, dazed in confusion as she watched the rain pour over the path she would take.