Chapter 20 - Jane

Reiner is back at his place instead of staying with us. Once he went back to work, it became obvious that he was pretty much entirely healed and didn’t need the extra care.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re spending less time together. If anything, we’re spending more. We’re sneaking around, hooking up in every spare moment we can find. It’s exciting and dangerous and just a little bit thrilling. I’ve been staying at his place most nights, and I’ve fallen asleep in his arms more times than I can count.

It’s not just the sex, though. We talk, too. About our lives, our dreams, our hopes. Anything but the future. Both of us have been very careful not to bring it up. It’s an unspoken rule, and we’ve both been keeping to it.

My family adores him, and his pack has welcomed me with open arms. It’s been an amazing experience, and it’s something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.

I’m standing in my bedroom, admiring the metal wolf Reiner made me, when my aunt Gwen walks in. She lingers in the doorway for a few minutes, not saying anything, just watching me.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” she finally says.

“Yes,” I agree, running my fingers over the cool metal.

“He’s quite talented,” she says, stepping into the room. “I think he could make some good money selling his sculptures.”

“I think so, too,” I agree, smiling at her.

“You know, we’re supposed to go home in a couple of days. Are you going to come with us or stay here?”

“I… I’m not sure,” I say, hesitating.

“Because if you’re staying, it’s okay, Jane,” she says, putting her hand on my shoulder. “You’re an adult, and you can make your own decisions. But I want you to be sure. This is a big step, and I don’t want you to regret it.”

“I know,” I say, sighing. “I’m just not sure what I want to do yet.”

“Well, how serious are things between you two? You seem quite taken, but I’m just wondering how much of that is new relationship excitement and how much of it is real.”

I hesitate, not sure how to answer. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and Reiner and I haven’t talked about anything beyond the present.

“We’re taking it slow,” I say, evading the question.

“I can understand that,” my aunt acknowledges, nodding. “But the time will come, and fairly soon, when you’ll have to make a decision. You can’t put it off forever.”

“I know,” I tell her, sighing. “I just… I’m not ready to make that decision yet. I’m still trying to figure things out.”

“I know, honey,” she says, giving me a hug. “Just remember, no matter what you decide, we’ll support you. I’m sure Piper would love to have you here close to her, but we’ll miss you like crazy if you stay.”

“Thanks, Aunt Gwen.” I hug her back. “I’m not going anywhere just yet, so let’s not worry about it, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, smiling. “I’m on babysitting duty tonight, so I’ll be out late. Piper and Rafe are going to the movies, and I’m going to watch Margie. Don’t wait up for me.”

“I won’t,” I promise. “Have fun.”

“I will,” she says, laughing. “You too.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

She leaves, and I’m alone with my thoughts. I keep staring at the wolf Reiner made me, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s a message in it. Aunt Gwen is right. I can’t put off making a decision forever. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to make a choice.

I’ve refused to even entertain the idea of a future here with Reiner. I’ve been so focused on enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. But now, it’s all I can think about.

I’m falling for him. There’s no denying it anymore. But what if it’s not the same for him? What if I’m just a fling, a way to pass the time until I leave?

I don’t want to think like that, but I can’t help it. The possibility is there, and given our history, it’s not an unreasonable assumption.

I’m not sure what to do. My heart is telling me to stay, to give us a chance, but my head is telling me to be smart, to protect myself.

I’m not sure who to listen to. Another knock on my door pulls me out of my thoughts.

“Come in,” I call out.

The door opens, and Reiner peeks his head in. I jump, fully expecting it to be Aunt Gwen.

“Oh my gosh, you scared me,” I say, my hand on my chest.

“Sorry,” he apologizes. When he holds out his hand, a glint of metal catches my eye. “I have something for you.”

“Really?” I ask, curious.

“Yeah,” he says, coming into the room.

He hands me a small metal object. I turn it over in my hands, examining it. A small flower. A delicate, intricate, beautiful piece of art. When I take it from him, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out half a dozen more.

“Reiner,” I breathe, tracing my finger over the petals. “These are gorgeous. There’s no way you made these.”

He smiles, his cheeks flushed. “I’ve been working on them for a couple days. You liked the wolf so much, I just thought…”

“They’re perfect,” I whisper, tears pricking my eyes.

This has to mean something, right? He wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of making all this for me if he didn’t care about me. Right?

“Thank you,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“You’re welcome,” he murmurs, kissing my cheeks. “Care to go for a walk? It’s a beautiful night.”

“I’d love to,” I agree, smiling.

We head out, and he takes my hand in his. We walk in silence for a while, just enjoying the night air. He’s right. It is lovely out. The night sky is clear and full of stars, and the moon is bright. It’s looming in the sky, full and round, casting a silvery glow on everything.

That’s another thing I would miss about this place if I go back home. The sky is so much clearer here. At home, the light pollution makes it hard to see the stars.

“What are you thinking about?” Reiner asks, glancing over at me.

“I was just thinking how much I’m going to miss this place,” I say, gesturing to the sky.

A strange look crosses his face, but it’s gone as quickly as it came.

“Yeah,” he says, his voice tight. “It’s a nice place. When I was in Stardust Hollow, the first thing I noticed was how different the sky was. It’s not as clear, not as beautiful.”

“I know,” I agree, sighing.

“So, when are you guys supposed to leave?”

“In a couple of days,” I say with a shrug.

“Oh.” His jaw clenches, and I’m waiting for him to say something, anything.

I want him to ask me to stay. My heart needs him to be the one to bring it up, to make the first move. But he doesn’t.

“Well, that’s not too long,” he says, his voice strained.

“No, it’s not,” I say as disappointment floods me.

Maybe I was just imagining things. Maybe he doesn’t care about me the way I care about him. I know he said he wanted to give us a chance, but based on what I’m seeing right now, that chance was only meant to span the time between then and now. He makes no mention of the future, and I’m not sure if that’s because he doesn’t want to pressure me or because he’s not interested. But the bottom line is, I was the one to put myself out there last time.

When he was in Stardust Hollow, I put my heart on the line. I told him I had feelings for him, and he shot me down. I just can’t bring myself to take that risk a second time. If Reiner wants me to stay, then dammit, he needs to be the one to say it.

I’m not going to chase him. Not again.

“We better head back,” he says, clearing his throat. “I’ve got an early day tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I agree, trying not to let the disappointment show on my face.

I guess that’s that, then. I’m leaving in a couple of days, and he’s not going to stop me. Reiner doesn’t want me to stay. If there’s one thing I know about this man, it’s that he speaks his mind. Granted, he’s not the best when it comes to articulating his feelings, but if he wants something, he goes after it. The fact that he’s not asking me to stay tells me everything I need to know.

The realization hits me like a ton of bricks, and I feel my heart breaking. I’ve been holding out hope, but now it’s clear. He doesn’t feel the same way I do. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I knew I shouldn’t have let myself fall for him. But I did, and now, I’m paying the price.

My heart feels like it’s shattering into a million pieces. Every step we take back toward my place is a reminder that this might be one of the last times we do this. My feet are moving, but my mind is a tangled web of thoughts I can’t escape. How did I let myself get here? How did I let myself fall for someone who can’t or won’t catch me?

I feel like an idiot for believing that this time could be different. That maybe, just maybe, Reiner saw me as more than just a temporary distraction. All those nights spent wrapped up in his arms, feeling like the world outside didn’t matter, are starting to feel like illusions. Like something I conjured up in my head to protect myself from the truth.

The truth is, I’m a fool for thinking I could mean something more to him. He made me feel special, sure, but I should have known better than to think it would last. Reiner’s good at keeping things light, at making you feel like you’re the only person in the world when you’re with him, but that doesn’t mean he’s in it for the long haul. I should have seen the signs. The way he avoids talking about the future, how he never lets the conversation drift too close to anything serious. How he’s so damn good at making me laugh, making me feel alive, but not good at letting me know where I stand with him.

I guess it’s my fault, too. I knew the risks. I knew that getting involved with someone like Reiner would be complicated, that he was a wild card. But I still let myself believe in the possibility of something more. And now, that hope is turning into a bitter taste in my mouth. A lump in my throat that I can’t swallow down.

The walk back feels like it’s taking forever, each step dragging me closer to the moment when I’ll have to say goodbye. Not just to Reiner but to everything we could have been. I can feel him beside me, and his presence is a comforting weight, but it’s also a reminder of what I’m about to lose.

By the time we reach the door to the trailer, my chest is aching with the effort of holding it all in. I want to scream, to demand that he tell me what he really feels, but I know it won’t do any good. If he wanted me to stay, he would have said something by now. He would have given me a reason, something to hold onto, something to make this decision easier. But he hasn’t, and that silence is all the answer I need.

Reiner opens the door and steps aside to let me in, and I feel like I’m walking into a tomb. The air inside is filled with the ghost of everything we shared. I can’t help but think about all the nights we spent here, all the mornings we woke up tangled in each other, the way he’d kiss my forehead and pull me close, making me feel like I was home. But now, it’s just a place. A place where I’ll sleep for a couple more nights before I leave. Before I go back to a life that feels a little more hollow than it did before.

I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes, but I won’t let them fall. Not yet, not here. I need to keep it together, to hold onto whatever dignity I have left. I can cry later, when I’m alone in bed, when the darkness hides the pain and I can let it all out. But for now, I need to be strong. I need to pretend like this isn’t tearing me apart.

Reiner doesn’t say much as he heads to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. I watch him, feeling like I’m seeing him for the last time. The way his muscles move under his shirt, the way his hair falls into his eyes, the way his lips curl up in that half-smile that’s always made my heart skip a beat. God, I’m going to miss him. I’m going to miss everything about him, even the things that drove me crazy.

I can’t stay here much longer. I need to get out, to breathe, to find a way to keep myself from falling apart in front of him. I tell myself that I’ll be okay, that I’ll survive this, but it feels like a lie. Like something I’m saying just to keep myself from breaking down.

I mumble some excuse about needing to get to bed. Reiner nods, but his expression is unreadable. He doesn’t stop me, doesn’t ask if I’m okay, doesn’t pull me into his arms like I desperately want him to. He just watches me go, and that’s what hurts the most. Because at that moment, it feels like he’s letting me go. Like he’s already moved on. Like I’m just another chapter in his life that’s coming to an end.

As I walk to the bedroom, I can feel the tears threatening to spill over, but I won’t let them. Not until I’m alone, not until the door is closed, and I can finally let myself feel the full weight of what I’m losing.

I climb into bed, pull the covers over me, and curl up into a ball, trying to hold myself together. But it’s no use. The tears come, hot and fast, and I can’t stop them. I bury my face in the pillow, trying to muffle the sobs that are tearing their way out of me. It hurts. God, it hurts so much, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’m drowning, like the pain is swallowing me whole, and I don’t know how to escape it.

I cry until I’m exhausted, until there are no more tears left, and all I can do is lie there, staring at the ceiling, feeling numb and empty. I thought I could handle this, but I was wrong. I’m not strong enough to let him go, but I don’t have a choice. Reiner made that decision for me, and now I have to live with it.