Chapter 27 Kier

27

Kier

Devon, July 2018

‘Sorry for reacting like that about the dress.' Zeph forks a piece of fish into his mouth.. ‘Seeing you, looking like that, all my insecurities …'

‘You've no reason to feel insecure.' I slip the dog a piece of my fish underneath the table. I've barely touched my food, my stomach unsettled ever since I got back to the van.

‘I think it's being here, back in Devon.' Zeph slowly chews. ‘Since we've arrived, it's like this' – he gropes for the word – ‘ barrier has come up between us.' He gives an odd, high-pitched laugh, but it doesn't sound like he finds it funny at all. ‘It feels like I don't know you, at least not as well as I thought

I did.'

‘I could say the same about you.' Deflection. Years before, I'd done the same to steer someone away from subjects I find difficult to talk about. Dangerous waters. ‘What you said, the other day, at Penn's. You mentioned getting close, touching distance. You've never mentioned that before.'

‘Touching distance?' Zeph frowns.

‘To marrying.' I feel the pulse of blood in my temple. ‘Was it Romy? '

He shifts in his seat. I can almost hear his thoughts ticking over. ‘This is to do with what you found, isn't it?' he says finally. ‘The necklace?'

I don't reply.

‘I told you, it was stupid, keeping it. There's nothing there now, and if I'm being honest, there shouldn't have been from the start.'

‘So why were you with her for so long?'

Zeph pushes his plate away. ‘You want the truth?'

I nod.

He sighs, running a hand over his face. ‘Look, it's not something I wanted to go into before, out of respect for her, but Romy was … troubled, Kier. Not just drugs, but drink, prescription meds. After the whole advert thing blew up, it got worse. I thought success would bring her some kind of peace, but no.' He shakes his head. ‘She was at the peak of her career, and she blew it all up.'

‘Is that why you split?'

‘Yeah.' Zeph's expression is bleak. ‘She was on a downwards spiral, angry at the world. Didn't like me getting home late from work, got jealous if I even so much as spoke to someone else. We'd have these fights … It brought out the worst in me.' He looks at me. ‘You know, until we split, I didn't know how many of her behaviours I'd absorbed, come to see as normal.' I see it in his eyes, what he's referring to, how he's behaved with me at times. ‘I want you to know that if sometimes I act like an insecure shit, it's because what we have, it's special. Special because it's different to that, and I'm desperate not to lose it.'

All at once, I find I can breathe normally for the first time since we started eating.

‘I remember,' he continues, ‘when you showed me your maps. Do you remember what you made me do?'

‘No.' All I recall is his smile when I showed him. The light in his eyes.

‘You made me look at the shapes in between what you'd painted. Told me that they were just as important as the paintings themselves.' Inching his fingers towards me, he laces them in mine. ‘I remember thinking that you saw the world like I did, that you were looking for beauty in every little place.' Zeph shakes his head. ‘Fuck, I needed beauty then, Kier, after Romy. Anything lovely I could get.'

‘I know.' I don't want to tell him that it wasn't beauty I was trying to get him to see, but something else. Something deeper.

I wanted him to look beyond the surface, to what lies beneath those first impressions.

There's beauty there, yes, but a darkness too. In the unknowables. The never knowables. The places undefined.

With Zeph's coaxing, we look at the photos of the dress again. This time, he's all compliments, asking me about my shoes, the flowers. What I'm planning for my hair.

‘So what else is left to do for the wedding?' He takes a slug of his beer. ‘Is it panic stations or are they set?'

‘Not much, actually. We're going to the final look at the venue on Sunday.' I raise an eyebrow. ‘The day after the hen and stag.'

‘Risky move.'

‘Yeah, I said that. Penn's not exactly Mr Rager these days.' I smile. ‘But apart from that, I think they're almost good to go. I'm taking Penn for a swim tomorrow, talk logistics.'

‘Want company?' He puts his can back on the table.

I shake my head. ‘The logistics thing is a bit of a ruse, if I'm being honest. I want to check in with him, how he's feeling, you know, without Mum and Dad being here.'

‘Has he been talking about them?'

‘No, but I can tell he's thinking about them. We both do, at every milestone.' I shrug. ‘It's hard … this intense longing to have them there, and then feeling guilty about that at the same time.'

‘Because of what happened?'

‘Yeah.' I rub the dog's head. ‘Despite everything, we miss them. All the time. We take it in turns, you know, to fill in for them, Penn and I. Whoever needs it. We sort of …' I screw up my face, trying to work out how best to describe it. ‘Imagine what they'd have done at moments like this, try to play the part.'

A silence settles between us. Zeph reaches for my hand. ‘Going through all of that, coming out standing … people don't know how brave you are.' He swallows. ‘Braver than I'll ever be.'

I love him, I think, looking at him.

I love how his love consumes me, fills in all the holes, leaves me full to bursting.

All at once, I find myself questioning the doubts I've had. The hissed words, the foot on mine, the careless statements. I've done similar, haven't I?

Perhaps when I look at him and see bad things, I'm simply seeing a reflection of me.