Chapter 55

Shecouldn't.

Itcame out like a curse, spat stark and decisive and furious into Killik's face. And yes, yes, she'd wanted to see him twitch like that, to see the confusion flicker in his eyes, because he was such a lying tyrant snake and she was saying no, no, no.

Shewaited while Killik fought to find his composure again, drawing up his breath from the earth. And even putting on that look in his eyes again, that soft tolerant warmth, as if he wanted to comfort her, as if he fucking cared.

"Breathe, Louisa," he murmured, with another light, infuriating pat to her face. "You are a strong, hearty, capable woman, and there is naught you cannot —"

ButLouisa laughed again, or maybe it was a sob, or a roar, as she slapped his hand away from her. "No, Killik," she snarled. "I can't. I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and —"

Shehad to haul for her own breath, drag it up from the earth, fight to see through her blinking clouding eyes. She could say it. She could finally admit it. She could speak truth, face it, fucking face it, I fear you not, I fear you not…

"I can't," she choked. "I can't have sons. I can't have — children. At all. Ever."

There. There, she'd said it, she'd faced it, but curse her, she was shaking, she was weeping, the water escaping hot and miserable from her eyes. "I tried," she gasped, toward the ground. "I tried so hard. I wanted children — so much."

Therewas only silence, ringing sudden and empty all around them, and Louisa gulped for more air, more truth, face it, face it. "I had — four miscarriages," she croaked. "One of them at — six months. I almost — I almost died."

Thepure panic of that day, of how she'd screamed in agony in the latrine as Gladys had hovered and wept, still blazed with too much horror to bear — and she whipped her head back and forth, dragged her shaky hands down her face. "Afterwards, once we finally got the physician" — another too-loud laugh — "it turned out it was — it was all because of the infection Scall gave me. The infection that almost killed me. It killed all my children, too."

Shewas fully sobbing now, and twitched all over at the feel of a touch, tentative on her back — but oh, it was Ulfarr, just Ulfarr, and she lurched toward him, buried her face in his solid chest. And then shuddered and wept as he stroked her, so gentle and careful, his heartbeat racing beneath her hot, wet cheek.

"I am so sorry to hear this, Louisa," he whispered, into her hair. "This must have brought you such grief. Such fear."

Itseemed to only make her sob harder, weeping as she perhaps hadn't wept in years. She'd kept it shoved down for so damned long, keeping it deep and secret and forgotten, because it could never be fixed, not ever. LordScall was dead, and that had been the only answer, the only victory, and…

"You did not… scent this upon her, Killik?" came Ulfarr's voice, quiet and perhaps almost accusing. "Would there not have been… some trace?"

Louisaflinched, because — wait. Ulfarr meant — he meant he'd wanted to know about this. Because he thought this was important. Damn it, damn it —

Witha flailing flap of her hands, Louisa shoved away from him, staggered away from that warm, steady strength. "There were — complications," she rasped, wiping shaky at her eyes. "From the stillbirth. I had to have my womb — removed. It was apparently a miracle I survived, and the fever that almost killed me at least killed Scall's infection too, so maybe — maybe it affected how it scented —"

Shewas babbling, spitting it out too fast and too urgent. And why was she even saying this, giving them this, throwing out all her pain and grief before them —

Butthen her swollen, bleary eyes found Killik again, found his stunned, staring face. And yes, yes, that was why she was saying this. She couldn't bear for Killik to claim that yes, he had long ago smelled the truth of all this upon her, and he hadn't thought to mention it to Ulfarr, because it hadn't fucking mattered.

Because— it did matter. It did. It was there on both their faces, shouting at Louisa, scraping like sharp claws up her spine. Ulfarr looking so pale, so haggard and sad, while Killik's watching eyes flashed between shock, and disbelief, and finally, rage.

"Why," he hissed, very low, "did you not tell us of this, woman?"

Louisa'squivering mouth opened, the truth hovering so close, so dangerous, so deadly. I've never told anyone, ever, because it gave me — because then I had — because then they might suspect —

Butno, no, no, and she quaked all over, dragged desperately for air, for truth. For other truth, for some part of it she could say, please —

"I didn't — I didn't think it mattered!" she finally stammered, her voice shrill and painful in her ears. "You told me Ulfarr couldn't father children, and then you told me you didn't want to, either! SoI thought it was fine, I thought it was good! I suppose I thought it was even — providence, somehow, a gift from the gods! But then…"

Butthen — then Ulfarr had been healed. Maybe enough to have sons, after all. And gods, what had Killik said, back when he'd told her about that? ShouldWolf wish for this, I should welcome this for him. We shall not need to think of it for some time yet…

Andagain, Killik had made it sound like it hadn't mattered. Like it made no difference to him, or to Ulfarr. But now, gazing at Killik's furious face, his tight twisting mouth, more bitter, miserable comprehension flashed across Louisa's thoughts, hard enough to sway her on her feet.

Mayhap soon, you and Wolf shall also welcome a son of your own. A good, strong Skai son, of Wolf's own blood…

"YouwantedUlfarr to have a son," Louisa breathed at Killik, over the horrified drumbeat in her ears. "It was part of your fucking plan."

Foran instant, there was only silence, pulsing out between them, while Killik's mouth twisted even tighter. Saying — yes. Yes, that had been his plan. Of course it had been, it had been so, so obvious, how hadn't Louisa fucking seen it? Killik seeking her out, setting her up with Ulfarr, teaching them how to please and care for each other…

Killikhadn't only wanted to give Ulfarr a woman for ten nights. He'd wanted to give him a whole new family. A whole new son.

The woman who will steal Wolf away from us.

"You slimy, lying snake," Louisa growled, and suddenly she could scarcely breathe through the pounding, plunging fury. "Was anything you told me the truth? Did the ten nights mean anything at all? Or" — she gulped for breath — "was it all about testing me, and getting me attached, and giving Ulfarr a new son? Giving him a new family, to replace the one he already has?!"

Ulfarrstartled, staring toward Killik, while Killik's mouth opened and closed, his mouth oddly twitching. "No, woman," he snapped, though his voice wavered. "I should never seek to replace Sune. I only…"

Hiseyes darted to Ulfarr, to where Ulfarr was still looking at him like that, with such shock and confusion in his eyes. And finally Killik grimaced, shrugged, let out a shaky breath.

"I only wish for — your happiness, Wolf," he rasped. "AndI know — a son is what you have always longed for most, beyond all else. A son of your own blood. So you can grant him all the safety and peace that was stolen from you."

Itsounded — it sounded like a direct quote, his voice even deepening, as if to mimic Ulfarr's. And — yes, yes, Ulfarr recognized it, his body flinching, because oh gods, he'd said that? He'd told Killik that? He wanted a son of his blood, more than anything — anything — else?

ButUlfarr wasn't — denying it. Wasn't protesting it. Was still just staring at Killik, with that stunned bewilderment in his eyes.

"Did you," he finally said, his voice a low croak, "did you wish for this also, Killik? For a woman, and a son?"

Killik'sthroat convulsed, his face now unnaturally pale, and he darted a brief, furtive look toward — Louisa. And she only distantly heard her own laugh, scraping horrible and miserable out of her blocked throat.

"Don't lie to him, Killik," she snarled. "You did it all for him. Only him. And once it was done, you were going to fuck off and leave us, forever!"

Butno, damn it, no, she shouldn't have said that, not now, maybe not ever — because Ulfarr's mouth made a strange, strangled noise, and he staggered on his feet. His eyes shot wide and wounded on Killik's face, as though Killik had struck him, or stabbed both his daggers deep into his gut.

"No," Ulfarr rasped, as if he was forcing out the word. "No. Killik would not leave thus. Not — not forever. He has always stood beside me, as my strongest, fiercest friend. My dearest, most faithful pup. He would not do this to me. He would not do this to Sune."

Buthe was speaking faster, now, as if he was trying to convince himself, trying to convince them. Trying to make Killik counter it, but Killik wasn't fighting it, he wasn't — and his shoulders slowly dropped, as his head dropped, too.

"ButI have never been — enough for you, Wolf," he said, so weary, so defeated. "I will never be enough. So ach, I thought" — a slow, heavy sigh — "I sought to grant you someone… better."

Someone better. Louisa's throat spasmed, and Killik gave a sharp wave toward her, his head still bowed low. "AndI did this, ach?" he continued. "Louisa is kind and strong and fierce and hungry. She has offered her help and work and fealty to our camp and our kin, and treated you with care. She has also been good to Sune, and shall make a good parent to him — a better parent than I have been, ach?"

What? The words kicked through Louisa's belly, because Killik didn't really believe that, he couldn't — but he jerked a shrug, rubbed at his nose. "And mayhap," he said, a little faster now, "mayhap if you take Louisa to Efterar or Rurik, she can yet be healed, also. And then you can have this new son you long for, Wolf, and this — this happiness. This peace."

This happiness. This peace.Oh, gods, what was Killik saying? Ulfarr would never be happy without him, without their little family, no, no —

Andno, that was a choked sniff from Ulfarr, his palm rubbing hard at his eye. "But — Killik," he whispered, hoarse, almost pleading. "I — I need you. We need you. All of us."

He'dgiven a shaky wave at Louisa, including her in that — but somehow that pulled Killik straighter again, drawing in his breath, his strength. Putting that cool, nonchalant look back in his eyes, as if he almost, almost didn't care.

"No, do you?" he said, in a voice much like his usual drawl. "If this was truth, Wolf, I ken you should have found a way to speak this, or show me this, these past twenty summers. But no, you have not, for all this time. And thus, I ken you only wish" — he flipped out his dagger, jabbed it at Ulfarr's face — "for a helpmeet. A vassal. A sharp sword by your side, and a hard prick in your bed. And you can find all this elsewhere, without me. Most of all now that you shall also have a woman, a wife, the true Skai mate and son you have always longed for!"

Hisvoice grated through the air, scraping pain through Louisa's ears, and deep into her belly. AndUlfarr looked so struck, so shocked and stunned and wounded, just the way he'd used to look back at the start of this. AndLouisa couldn't bear it anymore, it was too much, too much, no, no, no —

"No," she whispered, thin and strained in her throat — but it was enough that they both snapped to look at her. Ulfarr still so wan and haggard, Killik with that grim determination, and with something like… like jealousy, or even rage. Because damn Killik, no matter what he said now, he would forever hate Louisa after this. He would never get over Ulfarr, he would never be able to stay away from him. And she had to face this, speak truth, I fear you not…

"No," Louisa said again, steadier this time. "No, both of you. I already told you, I can't have children. And even if by some miracle I could" — she drew in breath, drew up strength, truth, truth — "I'm not interested. Not anymore."

Killiktwitched, and Ulfarr's head tilted, his brow furrowing — and somehow Louisa found more air, more truth. "I'm — past it," she said thickly. "I've moved on. I've found — other priorities. Other people to care for."

Butyes, yes, that felt right, that felt true — so Louisa gulped in more air, more strength from the earth. "And even if I could be healed somehow," she went on, "I have no interest in being pregnant again. I don't want to go through more miscarriages, let alone childbirth and nursing and sleepless nights. I've fought my way out of my past, I've finally made my own life, and I — I want to live out the rest of it on my own terms."

Itwas a strange, shaky relief to finally face it, to speak it, to see it for the truth it was — but it was truth. It was. And perhaps Louisa hadn't even known it, or faced it, until this moment.

"And furthermore," she said, on another deep, bracing inhale, as she turned to fully face Ulfarr. "I'm so very sorry, sweetheart, because I do love you so much, and I desperately want you to be happy and well, too. But" — more air, more courage, please — "I don't want to be married again, either. Not to you, and not — to anyone. Ever."

Ulfarrdidn't move or speak, beyond a convulsive swallow in his throat, and Louisa had to force down the air now, drag up the strength. "AfterLordScall," she said, laboured now, "I swore — I swore I would never give a man that kind of power over me again. And it's not that I don't trust you, sweetheart, or even that I don't want to be bound to you — and of course I want to make sure my sisters and the camp are taken care of. AndI appreciate you wanting to protect me against Rikard, too, but…"

Sheflailed her shaky hand at the forest around them, at the camp, her house, herself. "But if I marry you," she gasped, "I'd still be handing you the ultimate power over my property, my freedom, my life. AndI just" — she squared her shoulders — "I'm just not willing to do that again. I'm sorry."

Itseemed to hang there, ringing bare and unfinished between them, but Louisa needed to finish this, needed to face it, to speak truth. "And also," she made herself continue, "I have no desire whatsoever to come between you two, or to break up your family. You're so damned lucky to have a son, and such a lovely one at that. AndI will not" — her voice deepened, more certain now — "I will not be part of any ridiculous scheme that involves parting Sune from one of his fathers — or Skai-kesh forbid, trying to replace them! He deserves better from us, and from you. From both of you!"

She'dbelatedly remembered her knife, still strapped at her side like always, and she gripped it tight, drew up more breath, more truth. "And as part of that," she added, even harder, "you two need to sort out your relationship, too. You need to actually have the difficult conversations you've clearly been putting off for years. You need to be honest with each other about how you feel, and what you need. And if you can't work it out" — she yanked out her knife, and jabbed it between them — "then you need to separate like rational adults, and find a way to still be competent co-parents. Without any of this childish scheming and sneaking about, or this martyring yourself for someone else's hypothetical happiness! Or, this foolish pretending as though you're not desperately obsessed with each other, after twenty damned years of it!"

Killikand Ulfarr exchanged a brief, furtive look, and then both glanced away again. But a trace of colour had returned to both their faces, and their bodies had eased a little closer together, too. And it was enough to settle Louisa's stiff shoulders, her exhale coming out heavy and relieved.

Theydid still care. They could still face this, and fix this. They could put Sune first, and work it out, and keep their family. And maybe — she swallowed — maybe they could even find a way to be happy together, after all. They could find… peace.

"I'm — very sorry to disappoint you," she said, tight in her throat. "But perhaps — perhaps once you work it out, you can go find another woman, together. Another way to possibly have another son. And of course I'll still keep allowing the camp, and supporting it, for as long as I can."

Therewas a beat of silence, a spasm of Killik's hand on his dagger. "You do not," he said, very low, "think this is over, woman."

ButLouisa took another shaky breath, let it out. "Actually, yes, I do," she replied. "I only signed up for ten nights of this, and while I've had a lovely time" — she attempted a smile toward Ulfarr — "our ten nights were over long ago. I wish you both all the best, and I — I thank you both for all your kindness toward me. It truly did help me, and I'm so grateful."

BothKillik and Ulfarr blinked at her, and Ulfarr made to step forward, to clasp her hand — but Louisa backed away, too quickly, before she could lose it, before she broke down weeping…

"And now, I could really use a walk," she said, as lightly as she could. "Good luck, and goodbye."