Chapter 21

The next few days mainly passed in silence, the ice between Tabitha and her husband so palpable that it seemed to permeate the very atmosphere of their shared townhouse. She spoke to him only if necessary, and he did the same with her. Neither idle nor joyful words were exchanged between them, and although the near silence felt like a knife twisting in Tabitha’s ribs, she made no effort to engage in further conversation with her husband. It was quite obvious that he was not inclined to listen to her.

As they prepared for bed, they did not face one another. Tabitha had thought about sleeping in her own room over the past few days, but she had not. Matthew had not asked her to leave, and she would not be the one to accept defeat.

Besides, a petty part of her wanted to be close to him so he would be constantly reminded of his rash behaviour. She had done nothing untoward, and he had chosen to neither believe nor listen to her explanations.

Matthew cleared his throat. “Tabitha.”

She glanced at him. “Yes?”

“I am sorry,” he said gruffly. “If you desire Cassius, it was not my place to chastise you for it. I told you that this would be a marriage of convenience and that we ought to live separate lives. It is hardly fair of me to say such things and keep changing my mind.”

“But I do not want Cassius,” Tabitha said.

Matthew’s shoulders tensed, and Tabitha watched him for a long moment. When, at last, he turned to look at her, his eyes were heated with a familiar intensity. “Truly?” he asked.

Tabitha slowly nodded. “I did still desire Cassius,” she said, “At first. I longed for his affection and presence more than anything in the world. But that does not change the fact that you are my husband, whom I swore to be faithful to. You married me when I faced a terrible scandal while Cassius fled for the Continent.”

“I should have been more understanding,” Matthew said. “How could I be so unkind when I wed you, knowing that Rosemary so consumed my thoughts? Knowing how much I missed her? It was a foolish and impulsive action.”

He turned then and took her in his arms. Tabitha knew she ought to tell him what Cassius had revealed to her. She should have told him already, but neither of them had spoken to one another. Perhaps Tabitha’s stubborn pride insisted that she must say nothing. She could not be the one to break their uncomfortable, unspoken agreement of iciness. Now, she should tell him; she should not keep secrets from him.

But she felt so warm and safe encircled in his arms, and as she inhaled the familiar scent of his cologne, she felt everything inside her become warm and pliant. She had missed his closeness and easy affection and wanted to be selfish for a little longer. If she told him about what Cassius had said, it would be like the beginning. It would be Matthew hoping for Rosemary, a woman whom Tabitha could never hope to match.

“You are my wife,” Matthew murmured, his lips pressing against her neck. “And I love you.”

The declaration sent her reeling. He loved her? Surely, he did not mean it. Surely, Matthew was only speaking sweet words to her because he felt she wanted to hear them, but still, his hands were warm and strong as he traced over her waist and hips. She pressed herself more insistently against him and let her fingertips trace over the hard muscles of his upper back.

He took great handfuls of her nightgown and pulled the garment off her, baring Tabitha to the coldness of the room. She scarcely noticed for Matthew was on her at once, kissing and stroking her everywhere with a sort of feverish devotion. Tabitha felt as if she were glowing, her world a hazy blur of pleasant sensations.

She fell backwards onto the bed and curled her fingers into the fine linens of the bed. Matthew stroked the inside of her thighs and kissed her stomach. Tabitha felt that familiar, welcome ache spread dully at her core.

“My duchess,” Matthew murmured, lips pressing against her hip. “My sweet wife.”

Tabitha swallowed. He so seldom called her either of those things.

He drew up his shirt, exposing his hard shaft, and gently pressed himself inside her. Tabitha arched her back and groaned, savouring the slow feeling of being filled. They fell into an easy, common rhythm. It was pleasant and even, and Tabitha felt her release curl tighter and tighter inside her.

She found her bliss soon and let herself lie, pleasantly used and sated, against the bed. A heartbeat later, Matthew also found his release. He rolled onto his back and lay beside her. A roguish smile twitched at his lips, and Tabitha felt her breath quicken just a little.

“That was pleasant,” Matthew said.

It had been.

“It is certainly a rather agreeable part of our marriage,” Tabitha said, unable to help smiling herself. “I am glad that I did not—that I have only ever experienced such passions with you.”

“Are you?”

She nodded. “Rather than a man like Cassius. I hope you realize that I am being sincere,” she said. “I did believe myself deeply in love, but it is apparent now that I did not truly understand everything entailed. I do not believe I even understood intimacy as well as I thought. Loyalty, certainly, but ...”

“But he had no interest in being loyal to you.”

Tabitha slowly nodded. She felt a sharp pang of guilt. She could not continue to keep secrets from her husband. Tabitha should have told him the truth before they even fell into bed together, but when she revealed what she knew, it would ruin everything. Her eyes stung, and she rubbed them roughly in a vain attempt to force the tears away. She silently prayed for her husband to be looking anywhere else in the room but at her.

“Tabitha?” he murmured.

She met his soft, concerned gaze. It was a mercy that she did not deserve. “I must tell you something,” she said.

“Oh?”

Tabitha nodded. She sat upright in bed and pulled her knees to her chest. A lump lodged itself in her throat, making it difficult to breathe. “I do not want to, though. You will be furious.”

“It cannot be so bad,” Matthew replied softly.

But it was. If Rosemary were alive and were to return to London, it would mean the end of everything Tabitha and Matthew had together—every feeling, every word, every amorous encounter—and Tabitha did not want to lose any of it. While it was true that she and Matthew often disagreed, she found that a part of her appreciated that they did.

Matthew did not treat her like some woman whose opinions did not matter; he did not leave and avoid her. They argued, but they always resolved their differences. Part of it was that Tabitha enjoyed the intimacy, but there was another part of her, one that had been desperately upset and lonely in the past few days, that wondered if she had begun to appreciate him emotionally as well.

“Cassius told me something about Her Grace,” Tabitha said. “Rosemary, I mean.”

Matthew drew in an audible breath. “What?”

Tabitha nodded, steeling herself for his reaction. She was certain that Matthew would not take this news as kindly as he claimed.

“He told me that she is alive and will return to London,” Tabitha said, “the Duchess of Hillsburgh.”

Matthew shook his head, and when Tabitha dared glance at him, she did not think she had ever seen such a defeated man.

“That cannot be,” Matthew said. “I am sure Lord Fatherton said that simply to upset you. If you truly do not desire him any longer, the man has likely realized how much he regrets losing you, and he will say anything to make you doubt your decision to leave him.”

Tabitha bit the inside of her cheek. Matthew made a good argument. Cassius telling her that the Duchess of Hillsburgh would soon return doubtlessly had been a cruel plot to upset her, but Tabitha doubted everything he had said and shown her was only that. She took a deep breath.

“There is more,” she said, her voice shaking. “Cassius showed me a watch in his possession with your initials on it. He claimed that it was yours and that he received it as a token of affection from Her Grace.”

“A watch?” Matthew asked.

Tabitha nodded. “Cassius said that he and Her Grace had an affair. She gave it to him, then.”

Matthew hastened to his feet. He stared at her with a hard, disbelieving look. Colour rose to his face, and he fiercely shook his head. “These–these are lies! Lord Fatherton does not know anything. How dare he besmirch Rosemary’s reputation in such a callous way? I will not allow this insult to stand!”

“Do not do anything hasty,” Tabitha said.

It suddenly occurred to her that Matthew was just the sort of honourable man who might demand satisfaction for an insult, especially if it was being paid to his beloved Duchess of Hillsburgh. Her heart ached at the thought that he might do something reckless, like trying to duel Cassius, who was a renowned swordsman.

“Do not advise me on how to handle this insult to my wife’s honour!” Matthew snapped.

I thought I was your wife, Tabitha thought.

She felt as though the remark ought not to hurt her. Matthew was angry, understandably so, and Tabitha had known that he preferred Her Grace, that she was Matthew’s first love. And yet, she was hurt profoundly.

“You should have told me this at once,” Matthew continued. “Why did you delay?”

“We were not speaking to one another,” Tabitha said. “And I tried to tell you what happened. You were angry and would not listen to me.”

And I knew that I might ruin everything between us if I did, Tabitha thought but could not say. So I did not tell you.

“But this was about Rosemary!” Matthew thundered. “You know how important she is to me! You had no right not to tell me. If I did not wish to listen, you should have convinced me rather than behaving like a child!”

“Like you are?” Tabitha asked, hot tears rolling down her cheeks. “You could have given me a few minutes to explain at your mother’s ball, and I would have told you! I am so tired of you blaming me for every difficulty in your life!”

“You agreed to marry me.”

He stormed away, pausing only to retrieve his trousers from the floor. Tabitha pressed her forehead against her knees and tried to force away her sobs. They came regardless, wracking her body so hard that she trembled. She should have told him sooner but wondered if the result would have been any better. Would Matthew have confronted Cassius at the Dowager Duchess’s ball? Would Matthew still have left?

And most of all, Tabitha wondered if Matthew would become obsessive about finding his wife again. Even if she and Cassius had engaged in an affair, that did not necessarily indicate that Her Grace was still alive. It was entirely possible that Cassius had lied about some parts of his story.

Tabitha raised her head and took a shuddering breath, her eyes finding only the dark and empty room. She ought to retreat to her own bedroom, but she was so very tired. And a small, pitiful part of her longed for Matthew to return and apologize, to take her into his arms like he had just a few precious moments before and assure her that everything was well between them.

He did not.