Chapter Fourteen

Two weeks passed since we returned from the Abyss, and I'd slept through most of it. We'd been through so much, and sometimes, it all felt like a dream I hadn't fully processed.

When we'd returned home, it hit me all over again that Grammy was gone, and that sent me to a dark place. It didn't help that we weren't getting new leads on the Warlock's Trial, and it didn't feel like we were making any progress at all. I felt out of control to change anything.

I cried every day, so I slept a lot just to block out the world, because there was nothing else for me to do. I napped for hours at a time, curled under the blanket Grammy had crocheted—the one she'd gifted to me during my bridal shower. It still smelled like her, and I couldn't decide if that brought me comfort or hurt even more. My friends kept trying to push on without me and gain answers, but I couldn't find it in me to join them.

I'd gone to the Abyss and seen what the witches were willing to do to each other, even in death. If we were that hellbent on torturing one another in the afterlife, what was the point? There were witches in the Abyss who'd been tormenting themselves and others for centuries, and they were happy doing it, so why bother interceding? Why was I even trying to stop any of this, when most of the coven was going to keep persecuting those among us even in death?

That's how I thought sometimes, though the thoughts didn't feel like my own. I knew we had to push on and find the rest of the Oaken Wands, but it was hard when I felt empty inside.

It was like Lucas and I had swapped places. He cooked me meals and convinced me to get out of bed at least once a day to take a walk. He'd gotten really good at taking care of me.

When Lucas wasn't sleeping next to me, he was going through old books Hattie had given us shortly after we returned. She couldn't find anything on reapers, so she'd sent along books about the afterlife from other supernatural societies and suggested we start there. She thought there may be some similarities between the lore. So far it didn't sound like Lucas had found anything new.

We couldn't go up against the priestesses until Lucas had the Mortana Wand. We could use the Mentalist, Seer, and Alchemy Wand against the priestesses, but with an army of Mortana Executors on their side, we'd be slaughtered by Death magic the second we showed our faces in Octavia Falls.

I witnessed Talia's tearful goodbye with her sister before Lucas portaled Tate to Hok'evale. Talia had baked her cookies and sent Tate with one of her sweaters and a care package. Tate seemed relieved to be leaving Octavia Falls for good. I really thought Hok'evale was going to be good for her.

Talia hadn't learned much else from her visions about the mystery man who was lurking our ward borders. No one had disturbed us since, so I figured Lucas was right and that we were safe here. With the three Oaken Wands we'd obtained, our wards were stronger than ever.

Talia was using the Seer Wand to keep an eye on the priestesses. We'd thrown them off our location by moving the Executors' bodies, and they'd been searching for us miles away. The priestesses were so preoccupied with searching for us that they weren't doing much else inside the coven right now, according to Hattie's report. They were obviously preoccupied with finding out where we'd taken the Wands, but they hadn't been able to track us down.

Miles suggested we use the Wands to read the priestesses' minds to get more information, but neither Chloe nor Talia could get their Wands to work that way. There were witches from both the Mentalist and Seer Casts who could read minds to some degree, but it required skill that neither Chloe nor Talia had mastered. The Wands were powerful, but they were still limited by the confines of witch magic, and by the caster themselves. Though some witches could read minds, most couldn't do it at a distance, and it was especially difficult to read someone's mind without their consent. Most witches' mind-reading abilities only captured fragments of thoughts anyway. It was a skill that might prove useful, but Talia and Chloe were still working on it. Even with the Wands, they weren't all-powerful. They needed to find, then teach themselves, a way to get around all these constraints, and it wasn't an easy process.

Things were getting worse inside the coven. It was obvious because the Waning had hit all of us harder over these last few weeks than it had all summer. We had three Wands to combat it, but they weren't much help with mine or Lucas's powers. He'd gone days unable to use his portal magic, and we needed to make a supply run soon.

I woke one morning to find Lucas was already out of bed. My joints protested as I rolled over to check the clock. It was almost noon already. I sat up in bed and yawned. All I wanted to do was curl up and go back to sleep.

It took everything in me to haul my ass out of bed. My legs felt like noodles, and I had to lean against the nightstand for support. Dread sank in my stomach.

"Fucking hell," I growled. "Not again."

I was no stranger to fatigue, but my health had been so good these last few months. I wasn't about to let my lupus take over my life again. It was only a matter of time before one of my friends found a lead, and we were going to act fast to obtain another Wand. Furthermore, the priestesses could show up on our doorstep at any time, and I'd have to be ready to fight them.

I didn't have the time or ability to continue lying in bed anymore. I needed to be proactive.

It was one hell of a wake-up call.

I sank back down onto the bed. I waited several minutes, like the fatigue might pass, but I knew this feeling all too well. Chronic illnesses were unpredictable, and an episode like this could last for months before I got my energy back.

I became increasingly angry the longer I lay there. My doctors had predicted a three-to-five-percent chance my lupus would ever return after the kidney transplant. What's more, Dr. Yonker had told me my lupus would go into remission a year or two after I got my magic. He'd obviously lied.

Either way, the chances of symptoms returning was so low. Why was this happening now of all times?

The possibilities terrified me. If my lupus was back… did that mean my kidney was failing?

Was it too much to ask for my symptoms to just be over and done with?

The mattress shook beneath me, and I gave a start. I looked over to see Isa jumping onto the bed. She nudged her nose into my hand, as if to ask if I was okay.

I wiped my eyes and stroked her head. "I'll be all right."

I didn't think Isa believed me, because she snuggled up on my belly and began purring. I could hear chatter from downstairs. I wanted to go join everyone else, but I couldn't muster the energy to talk to a single person, let alone a whole group. At the same time, the bed was so uncomfortable when I felt like this, and I didn't want to go back to it, but I had to do something with my body, because otherwise, I'd just sit here and suffer.

I hated it.

This was not the life I wanted. I didn't want to spend my life wasting away. I'd done enough of that these last two weeks. It'd been my choice, but if my illness flared, I couldn't get up and live my life when I wanted—no, when I needed to. I had to get ahead of this before my lupus flare gained control over my life again.

"Isa," I whispered as I stroked her fur. "I've got to ask for help."

Isa gave a light meow, like she agreed with me.

Taking a deep breath, I swung my legs off the corner of the bed. Down the hall, Onyx's door was wide open, and she was organizing Alchemy supplies inside. A cauldron sat on the dresser, surrounded by various crystals and herbs. Charms hung from the ceiling fan, and incantations scribbled on sticky notes stuck to her mirror. A haunting melody played from her phone.

"Onyx, do you have a minute?" I asked.

She looked up from the herbs she was arranging on her dresser. "Sure, Nadine. Come in."

I stepped into the room, and Isa followed behind me. I closed the door, because I didn't want anyone to overhear, then sat on her bed. Onyx shot a curious glance at the closed door, like she knew whatever I had to say was serious.

"You worked at the hospital," I started. "What do you know about lupus?"

Onyx spoke slowly, like she was worried where I might be going with this. "I have my nursing license, but I'm not a doctor. I only know what I've gathered from reading up on it. Is everything okay?"

I tried to keep the worry from my features, but I wasn't sure it worked. "No," I admitted in a broken voice. "I woke up really fatigued. I'm afraid my lupus is coming back, and I wouldn't normally ask for help, but we're fighting a war. I can't deal with the unpredictability of my illness, so I need to get on the front end of this before it gets worse, because I know it inevitably will."

Onyx dropped her herbs immediately and came to sit beside me. "Nadine, I'm so sorry. I thought the kidney transplant was supposed to help."

"It did. For a while, at least," I said. "I've been feeling really good. I've been off antibiotics for a while, and my immunosuppressants have been keeping everything in check. The doctors said I was good. And now… I'm scared that I'm not."

"We'll figure it out," Onyx promised. "I can brew something to help with the fatigue."

I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. "I'm worried it's more than that. What if my body's rejecting the kidney?"

Onyx's features paled. "I can help you manage symptoms, but if you think your kidney's failing, you need to see a doctor immediately."

I sighed heavily. "I thought I was done with all that."

"We won't know anything for sure until you see a doctor," Onyx said.

"You don't have any potions that will help?" I asked hopefully.

Onyx frowned. "Nadine, you just told me your kidney could be failing. I can't mess with something as severe as that."

"I know. It's just… the last thing I want is to end up in the hospital again."

"Then we have to get you treatment right away." Onyx stood and reached out a hand. "Come on, let's go talk to Lucas."

"No," I said quickly. "I don't want to worry him if it's nothing. I know I agreed to open up about my health more, and I'll tell him everything, but I need to talk to the doctors alone first. Then if it's bad news, I can find a way to tell him myself."

There was no use in worrying anyone until I knew what was going on. I could be overreacting. But if it was as bad as I was thinking, I needed time alone to cry.

Onyx eyed me for a few moments, before nodding in understanding. "All right. You can talk to your doctors first, but we still need to get Lucas to portal you to Hok'evale. He's downstairs planning a supply run."

"I need to refill my prescriptions anyway, and I'm due for a pharmacy visit," I said.

Onyx led me out of the room, and we found the others gathered in the living room.

Lucas held up a list. "The tub in the downstairs bathroom is having some plumbing issues, so Grant and I are going to pick up some supplies to fix that. The pantry's running short on essentials. Warren has made strong allies with various charities in Celestial City, so we can get those essentials there for a good price. He's convinced the angels he's interested in converting to their religion, so they'll continue to provide him with supplies so long as he keeps up the ruse. They'll do anything to get him baptized. Unfortunately, the angels don't carry some of the herbs we're running low on for spellwork."

"The vampires are willing to trade for the right price," Verla offered. Her arm was out of the sling, but the questing beast's attack had left a permanent twisted scar even the healers in Hok'evale couldn't fix. It would forever serve as a reminder how much she cared—that she was willing to sacrifice herself to save me.

Lucas nodded. "Then I'll send you to negotiate with them. Let's see… what else?"

"My meds are running low." My tone came out sounding even, but my heart was in my throat. "I need to go to the pharmacy in Hok'evale."

Lucas made a mark on his list. "All right, Nadine will pick up meds. I think we're all set then. Text me when you're done so I can portal you all home."

Lucas started portaling the others to their respective locations, and I slipped on my shoes. I was still in my pajama pants and sweatshirt, but I didn't really care. I didn't think I could bring myself to get dressed now, anyway. I was too worried.

"Do you want someone to come with you?" Lucas asked before he opened my portal.

"No," I said almost too quickly. "Hok'evale's a safe place. I'll text you once I'm done at the clinic."

Lucas gave me a kiss, then portaled me right outside the walk-in clinic. A few people looked my way when I stepped through the portal, but I ignored them and headed straight for the doors.

"How can I help you?" the receptionist behind the counter asked.

"I need to see a doctor. How soon can I get in?"

She typed a few things on her computer. "Dr. Malach is available. He's a world-renowned doctor and will take good care of you."

"That sounds perfect. Thank you."

"Yes, of course. What's your name?" the receptionist asked.

"Nadine Taylor," I told her. "You might have me in the system as Nadine Evers—I recently got married."

The receptionist gave a kind smile. "You can have a seat. Dr. Malach will be right with you."

I turned to the waiting room, and I was shocked to see two familiar faces. A guy with dark hair sat beside a woman in a wheelchair. They saw me at the same time, and their faces lit up.

"Nadine!" Quentin cried. "What are you doing here? Good news, I hope."

I sat across from them. "That's what I'm here to find out. I'm glad to see you made it here safely."

Quentin and Lydia had tried to stay in Octavia Falls after surviving The Hearse Tragedy, but after Quentin stood up for us in the town square, it wasn't safe for them anymore. They'd fled Octavia Falls to find refuge here in Hok'evale.

Lydia pushed her purple-framed glasses up her nose. "Safe and sound. Life has been good in Hok'evale. We got married!"

"Congratulations. So did I." I held out my hand to show them the ring.

Quentin's eyebrows shot up. "Wow. Who's the lucky guy?"

I smirked and rolled my eyes. "I'll give you one guess."

Quentin grinned in a teasing manner. "Congrats to you and Lucas."

"Sorry we couldn't be there," Lydia said. "Travel isn't very easy for us at the moment."

I waved my hand. "Don't worry about it. We had to keep the ceremony small and private."

Quentin nodded. "Understandable. Last we heard, things have only gotten worse back home. We want to come back to Octavia Falls eventually, but we can't come back until things settle down. We're taking classes again, and Lydia's got her physical therapy and treatments."

"The Anichi doctors have been amazing," Lydia raved. "Their healing powers have sped up my recovery significantly."

"What kind of prognosis did they give you?" I wondered. I knew they couldn't heal everything, but I wondered just how far the Anichi's healing magic went.

"The damage to my spine the night of The Hearse Tragedy was too severe to fix," Lydia told me. "Besides that, I'd already been healing by the time we came here, so they couldn't undo what my body had already done. I'm not going to be able to walk again, but I've been able to manage my pain better. Months of recovery were condensed into weeks, but we're not finished. Every spinal cord injury is different, so we've just been taking it one day at a time."

"So you come here often for physical therapy?" I wondered.

"Actually, my physical therapy is in another building," Lydia replied, before glancing toward Quentin.

He replied with a goofy grin. "We're actually here because we just found out we're pregnant!"

"Wow…" I trailed off. I couldn't imagine having a baby in the midst of everything going on in our coven, but Quentin and Lydia seemed safe and happy here in Hok'evale.

Lydia noticed my hesitation, and she laughed. "We're very excited."

"Well in that case, congratulations!" I cried.

"It was a bit unexpected," Quentin admitted. "But we can't wait to meet our little one."

He placed his hand on Lydia's belly, and she rested hers over the top of his. I didn't notice a bump, so she couldn't be very far along.

"I guess the Anichi treatments made me extra fertile," Lydia said with a laugh. "My legs may not work, but my reproductive organs are operating just fine."

I forced a smile. I was happy for them, but I wished we were meeting under better circumstances. "I'm glad everything's working out for you two."

Quentin squeezed Lydia's hand. "We're doing great. We really are. I can't wait to be a dad. It's killing me not knowing if it's a boy or a girl. I just want to give the little one a name, you know?"

"Do you have names picked out?" I asked.

"We haven't settled on a girl's name yet," Lydia said. "But if it's a boy, we're naming him Alistair."

"Maybe you won't need a girl's name," I offered. "In less than nine months, we could be meeting little Alistair."

Lydia lit up. "I like the sound of that."

"Nadine Taylor?" a voice came from behind me.

I turned to see a nurse. I waved goodbye to Lydia and Quentin, then stood to follow her. She led me back to an exam room and took my height, weight, and vitals.

"What concerns do we have today?" she asked.

"I have lupus, and I got a kidney transplant a few months ago, but I woke up with some stiffness and fatigue that worry me," I said.

She typed something into the computer, then stood. "All right. Dr. Malach will be right with you."

I waited uneasily for the doctor after she left the room. I hoped to the Goddess this was nothing, but my intuition told me I was about to receive life-altering news. My donor kidney was failing; I was convinced of it. Which meant I'd have to go back on dialysis and wait on the transplant list again. I worried I'd never reach the top of the list, or if I did, my body would reject that kidney, too.

I choked back my worry when the doctor entered the room. He wasn't anything like I expected. I thought I'd be meeting with an Anichi healer, but this man had large white feathery wings growing out of his back. The doctor was tall, with broad shoulders, and although he looked to be twice my age, his skin was perfectly smooth.

I must've been gawking, because he said, "I take it you haven't seen an angel before."

I snapped my mouth shut. "No, sorry. I thought the doctors here were all Anichi."

He eyed me like he thought I might be joking. "Not all of them. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

I repeated what I'd told the nurse, then dove into more details about my diagnosis and transplant.

Dr. Malach leaned back in his chair. "And you're here because you're… tired? How much have you been sleeping?"

"I'm sleeping just fine," I replied. "I wouldn't say I'm tired. It's more than that. The fatigue encompasses my whole body. It feels like when I was first diagnosed with lupus. That's why I'm worried."

"When was your last period?" he asked bluntly.

I was taken aback. "Is that relevant?"

"We should rule out hormonal fluctuations first," he stated simply.

What was this guy saying? That I was overreacting because I was a woman?

"I get my period regularly," I bit harshly. "I'm familiar with the effects my hormones have on my body. I'm telling you this is different."

He paused for a beat. "Very well. Let me examine you."

He reached out his hand, and I hesitated.

His tone grew bitter, like he was annoyed with me. "Anichi are not the only ones with healing magic. I can assess you as well, unless you'd like to wait and make an appointment with another doctor."

"No," I said quickly. "I'd like answers today, if possible."

I placed my hand in his, and his magic filled me. Angel magic was very different from Elementai Soul magic. When I'd first come here and met with Dr. Metzi, her magic was warm and inviting, encompassing my whole body in a gentle light. Dr. Malach's magic was harsher, almost piercing as it swirled deep in my gut. It was like he was prodding for something inside of me. I winced, and he dropped my hand.

He quickly typed something into the computer, then turned back to me with a cocked eyebrow. "A regular period, you say?"

"Pretty regular," I replied. "Usually anywhere between twenty-nine to thirty-one days."

"And how late are you this time?" he asked in an accusing tone. He placed his hands on the keyboard, awaiting my answer.

I furrowed my brow. "I'm not late. I should get it today or tomorrow. I'm not fatigued because I'm PMS'ing."

"No, I know," he said with a light, almost mocking chuckle. "You're fatigued because you're pregnant."

I reeled back in my chair. I couldn't have heard him right. I quickly glanced at the computer. "No, you must have the wrong chart pulled up. I'm not pregnant."

He gave a cocky smirk. "You misunderstand, Miss Taylor. I'm not reading your chart. I've just diagnosed you."

"Diagnosed me?" I repeated. "With… pregnancy?"

He said it like I was sick with a parasite, not pregnant with a child. He had to be wrong.

"That's not possible," I insisted as he continued typing things into my chart.

"Are you married, Miss Taylor?"

"Yes," I answered automatically without thinking about why he'd need to know in the first place.

He paused to look at me. "Aren't you fulfilling your marital duties?"

I went speechless for a beat, but quickly scrambled to find my tongue. "Are you asking if I'm sexually active?"

He crinkled his nose, like the phrase was a sin to speak aloud. "I wouldn't put it that way. Are you and your husband having intercourse?"

The question felt wholly inappropriate, but he was a doctor, and it wasn't the first time I'd been asked the question at a medical appointment. I just didn't like the way he said it. "We are, but?—"

"How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?" He stared at me with a pointed expression, like he expected me to answer more than one.

I gaped. I couldn't believe he'd have the gall to even suggest I was cheating on my husband. "One, for the Goddess's sake! But my husband and I use protection—condoms, every time."

"And what about your birth control pills? Are you taking those regularly?"

"I'm not on birth control," I said. "We didn't want it interacting with my other meds."

"Well, if you weren't planning for a child, you should be on the pill," he stated. "Condoms aren't entirely effective. I certainly wouldn't blame your husband if he chose to go without them every now and then."

All I could do was stare at the doctor, because I was so shocked. Was he implying what I thought he was? Lucas would never do something like that.

"My husband and I are monogamous," I stated firmly, so he couldn't miss a single word. "We respect each other, and we use protection. Your diagnosis is wrong, and I'd like to speak with a specialist about my condition."

He smiled proudly. "You're in luck, then. I've delivered many babies."

"I'm not pregnant," I insisted. I couldn't be.

"If you'd like, we can take a urine sample and perform a traditional pregnancy test," he offered, though his tone was less than kind. "You said your period is due today, so the test should be accurate."

I crossed my arms. The only reason I'd do the test was to prove this guy wrong. I felt sorry for the women who walked into his office pregnant and had to receive the news from him so bluntly. He was a horrible doctor, and he needed someone to put him in his place.

"Yes. I'd like that," I said.

Dr. Malach stood and went over to a drawer by the sink. He pulled out a urine cup, a disinfectant wipe, and a baggie, then handed them to me. "The bathroom is just down the hall."

I stomped out of the room in malicious compliance. I got my sample, then returned to the exam room. When I stepped inside, Dr. Malach had a testing kit spread across the counter, and he was wearing a pair of latex gloves. The test kit was different from the at-home tests I'd seen before, but the idea was the same.

Dr. Malach snatched the urine cup straight out of my hands. He used a dropper to place a drop of urine on a test strip. I tapped my foot impatiently from behind him, waiting for the test to reveal the truth—that he was wrong. He shot a narrowed glance over his shoulder, but he didn't say anything for at least a full minute. The liquid seeped through the test strip until a singular solid line formed…

Followed by a second light pink one.

Dr. Malach grinned smugly. "Pregnant. Just as I said."

The room swayed around me. I couldn't be sure which way was up or down. I stumbled backward and caught myself on the chair behind me, then sank into it. I'd walked through hell and back, and it wasn't nearly as terrifying as this moment.

"How can I be pregnant?" I whispered, more to myself than to the doctor.

"It's quite simple," he started.

"I know how," I bit. "Is the baby going to be okay?"

Dr. Malach sat back down at his computer to look over my chart. "We recommend women wait at least a year after a transplant to start trying for a baby. Your medications could harm the baby, so we usually switch women over to pregnancy-safe meds at least six weeks before they start trying."

My pulse quickened. "So the meds I'm taking aren't safe?"

Dr. Malach typed a few things into his computer, and his eyebrows shot up. "Actually, they are. It looks like you started a new prescription recently."

My shoulders relaxed. Thank the Goddess for Dr. Metzi. She'd put me on new meds when I first came to Hok'evale. It'd been such a lucky break.

"But you haven't been on the meds long enough," he added. "Besides, women with lupus shouldn't have babies until their disease has been inactive for at least six months."

"It's been six months since my transplant," I stated.

Dr. Malach frowned. "You didn't plan this pregnancy."

I furrowed my brow. "But if my lupus is under control and my meds are safe, then what does it matter? What would we have done differently if we'd planned this?"

"It hasn't been a year since your transplant," he pressed. "Regardless if everything else is in order, it's too soon."

"What happens if I go through with this?" I asked. "Is my kidney going to fail? Is the baby going to be safe?"

"Your donor kidney should perform fine," he assured me. "However, you're at high risk of preeclampsia. It's a serious blood pressure condition that often develops in pregnancies like yours."

He said it like it was a sure thing, but my own health wasn't my main priority right now.

"Is the baby going to be safe?" I repeated again. I couldn't help but notice he'd avoided my question multiple times now.

He leaned back in his chair, sighing heavily. "The truth is your condition puts you in a higher risk category than the average mother. If you continue with this pregnancy, you should expect a miscarriage—or worse. No doubt about it, if you try to have this baby, you'll certainly die."

My stomach clenched, and I thought I was going to throw up.

"I don't see a reason to continue with the pregnancy," Dr. Malach said coldly. "Your best option is to get an abortion while it's still early."

My breath caught. I'm sorry—what did he just say?

"I don't want to do that," I stated breathlessly.

He tilted his head to the side like he cared, but it came off looking more like a shrug. "I'm afraid that may be your only option. I don't see why you would continue the pregnancy."

I gaped at him. "I didn't plan for this, but that doesn't mean I don't want this baby. My husband and I wanted to start a family someday."

"That's an irresponsible decision for someone with your illness. It appears you have a habit of being irresponsible." His gaze darted toward my stomach.

What the hell was wrong with him? I was a grown-ass married woman, not some teenager who didn't use protection.

"I want to keep the baby," I stated firmly.

He sighed and sat up straighter. "I understand why you would want to start having children now. Many women start having children young, so they don't end up old and alone."

"Alone?" I balked. What the hell was he talking about?

"Many women try to get pregnant before it's too late. After all, once you're past your prime, your husband is going to find someone younger and leave you," he stated, like it happened to everyone. "Men want to impregnate young women, after all, and since sperm remains viable no matter how old a man is, it's understandable you want to do whatever it takes to keep your husband."

I was so shocked; all I could do was gape at him. Nothing had left me this speechless before.

"Regardless, there's too much at stake here," Dr. Malach continued. "Besides losing your life, you could pass on your lupus."

"That doesn't matter," I snarled. "I'll still love this baby, and even if they're sick, I'll take care of them anyway."

The doctor rolled his eyes skeptically. "Everyone thinks they'll love their child no matter what, until the child shows up with a disease. You'll regret it once the child gets here. Are you sure you want to live with the guilt of knowingly passing on a chronic illness?"

He spoke as if it would be my fault if my baby got sick. Even if it was, did that make my child's life any less valuable?

I knew the answer to that. Yeah, lupus totally sucked, but I still deserved to live. And so did this baby, even if they were sick.

"You'll also have to consider how you'll take care of a sick child," Dr. Malach said. "Your illness will make it difficult to care for even a normal child. You couldn't care for any baby adequately, let alone a disabled one."

"I'll have help," I insisted.

"Do you have a financial plan to help you pay for medical assistance?" he asked. "Where are you going to get the money to pay for this child? What are your employment options?"

"I don't have a job now, but I plan to in the future. My husband and I will figure it out. If my lupus flares and puts me out of work, my husband will always be here to support me. He's not going anywhere," I pressed.

"And what happens if you die during this pregnancy, or in labor?" Dr. Malach asked. "You'll leave the child motherless, and that's not fair to the child, nor to its father. Your husband will be left to take care of a sick child alone. I understand that all women want to be mothers, but it's unethical to bring a sick child into this world. Morally, it's wrong and selfish."

Bile rose in my throat. He couldn't be serious. "What are the chances my child will end up with lupus?"

I wanted to hear him say it—to prove to him that he was wrong. Everything he said was disgusting. Sick kids deserved to live, too.

He huffed, like he was annoyed by the question. "It doesn't matter, because even if you gave birth to a normal child, you couldn't take care of them. You can't work because of your lupus—it's that simple. I don't understand how you think you can hold down a job and be a parent at the same time, because it isn't realistic for someone with your condition. I'm only trying to prepare you for the inevitable reality."

According to him, sick kids didn't deserve to live, and disabled people couldn't be parents. He was quite the fucking tool. Disabled people could be just as good of parents as anyone—better, even, I bet.

"My baby and I at least deserve a chance," I insisted.

"A chance for what?" he asked, like he actually gave a shit. "To suffer?"

My stomach sank, leaving a gaping hole in the middle of my abdomen. Is that what I'd be doing to this child—bringing it into a world of never-ending suffering? Could I have a baby while we were still fighting the priestesses? Was it better if they didn't exist at all?

"If you're this insistent on getting pregnant, we have the means to do it the right way," Dr. Malach offered. "You could abort this unsafe pregnancy, then we can explore the option of in-vitro fertilization. We'll be able to test the embryos to make sure we give your baby the good genes, and get rid of the embryos that are abnormal. I can make a referral now."

He turned to his computer. I felt my skin crawl when he said the word abnormal. Is that what he thought I was, and what he thought this baby would be if they came out sick?

"I don't want that," I heard myself say. I wasn't even sure I said it at first, because I no longer felt attached to my own body. It felt more like I was hovering above the room, watching this doctor take my future away—a future I'd only just discovered was a possibility for me.

"We can certainly wait on the IVF discussion," Dr. Malach said, before pressing a few keys on his keyboard. "But we should get you in for that abortion soon. There's an opening this afternoon?—"

"I said I didn't want an abortion," I snapped.

He backed away from the computer. "You're right. Perhaps we should talk to your husband first, see what he thinks about all of this. Does he have any preexisting conditions?"

"Just depression," I said. It'd become such a normal part of our lives; I didn't think anything of it.

Dr. Malach's lips turned down. "Your husband is likely not a suitable candidate, either. Depression can have genetic components. There's enough mentally ill people in this world. We don't need another one. You don't want to have a child that's messed up, do you?"

"My child won't be messed up!" I yelled, shooting to my feet. "My baby could end up with lupus and depression and every other diagnosis in the book, and they'd still be a better person than you. You're cruel to assume this baby doesn't deserve to live, and that mine and my husband's lives are of less value than anyone else's."

Dr. Malach crossed his arms and turned his nose up. "If that's the way you feel, then proceed with the pregnancy. But understand that your body will fail."

"Show me the evidence," I demanded. "I want to see the statistics on how many women with lupus die in pregnancy. What organs are going to fail, and what's the cause of death?"

"That data is difficult to find, Miss Taylor," he said condescendingly. "We don't exactly have specifics, and I can't give you any answers on that, but it's my professional assessment that you will die."

"You don't know anything," I sneered. "If you don't have the data, then how can you possibly come to that conclusion? You don't know what's going to happen to me."

He arrogantly leaned back in his chair. "You're misunderstanding what I'm trying to tell you."

"How is it possible for me to misunderstand that you told me it's too dangerous, but you don't have any information to give me on why?" I pressed.

He gave an indignant sigh. "Look, you're not only gambling with your life, but you're gambling the life of a child. If you pass away because of this pregnancy, it's on you, not on me. I gave you medical advice, and you chose not to listen to it."

"I guess I'll just die then," I snapped, before turning on my heel and fleeing the room.

I raced down the hall, choking back sobs. It hit me halfway down the hall what a horrible thing I'd just said, because I had almost died—more than once. I'd fought so hard to stay alive. Could I really let my body give up if there was something I could do to prevent it?

The truth was, I couldn't make this kind of decision right now. There was a baby inside of me, and I had to weigh the horrible decision of whether to let it live, and put my own life at risk, or terminate the pregnancy, and live with the thought of what could've been for the rest of my life.

I pushed through a doorway that I thought led outside, but instead I found myself standing in a courtyard filled with trees and flowers. Clinic walls boxed me in on four sides, though the sky was open above me.

I had the thought that I couldn't run from this, and I was so fucking tired of running.

I sank into a nearby bench and buried my face in my hands. Tears sprang to my eyes. I was alone in the courtyard, and I couldn't hold myself back from breaking down. This was all so much to take in. First, I found out I was pregnant, and before I could even process that, I was told I had to give the baby up?

What a cruel world we lived in.

I was wholly torn in so many directions. Before today, I hadn't been sure I wanted to be a mother, but I wasn't going to say no. The thought of getting an abortion churned my stomach. I wasn't against abortion—I believed women should have a right to choose what to do with their own bodies.

But that was the thing. If I was given a choice, I'd keep the baby, hands down. But could I do that if it meant neither of us would survive?

Holy shit, I was already thinking about us, as if this baby was already mine. Slowly, I sat up straighter and placed my hand on my belly. I couldn't believe there was a tiny little human growing inside of me. The thought of a baby felt more like an idea than anything. It didn't feel real.

But it was, and that terrified me, because now that there was an us, I didn't want to give it up. We had the chance to become a family… but that obviously wasn't going to happen. I couldn't bring a child into the world as it was today, not unless we fled the coven completely. Would that even help if this baby was destined to suffer its whole life?

It seemed no matter what I did, my family was destined to be torn apart. I'd lost my parents, and now Grammy, and it killed me to think they wouldn't be around to see our baby grow up. My parents could've been grandparents, and Grammy could've been a great-grandmother, but that was never going to happen now because they weren't here. Lucas's parents were abusive, and we couldn't rely on them for anything. This child wouldn't have a family to lean on, and I feared if we started a family of our own, it wouldn't last, and our baby would be taken from us, too. Maybe Lucas and I only needed each other.

This wasn't just about me, either. If I refused the procedure and it killed us, I'd be leaving Lucas behind. All of my friends would have to fight the priestesses without me. The coven would be left without a Curse Breaker, and there would be no one to use the Curse Breaker Wand to end the Waning.

I didn't have a choice.

Abortion was my only option. I had to go through with this, even if I didn't want to.

Somehow, I had to find a way to tell Lucas. I just knew this news would break his heart.

Tears streamed down my face, and I clutched my stomach as a sickness rose inside my gut. The next thing I knew, I was curling over the side of the bench and heaving into the nearest flower bed.

I heard a door, then footsteps approached quickly. "Are you okay? Do you need me to find a nurse?" a female voice asked in concern.

"No," I insisted. "It's just morning sickness."

I was almost certain it was a lie. The entire encounter with Doctor Malach had left me ill.

I groaned as I sat upright again. The girl who'd approached me was about my age, with long brown hair and deep brown eyes. She carried a baby on her hip. The baby couldn't be more than a year old, if that, and had a black tuft of hair on her head. The baby was dressed in a bright pink outfit, with a huge bow on her head. She looked so cute, and it made me want to die inside thinking about my own child.

"How far along are you?" the woman asked.

I cleared my throat. "I just found out, so that must make me four weeks."

"That's exciting!" She smiled brightly. "Congratulations."

I tried to force a smile, but all I could do was scoff.

"Oh, no." Her voice came out so small and caring, and she rushed over to sit beside me on the bench. She dropped her diaper bag at her feet and set her baby on her lap. "I'm Sophia, and this is my daughter, Ava-Marie."

I glanced down at the badge hanging off her diaper bag. "Do you work here?"

"I'm just a volunteer," she said. "I help with ASL interpretation when the clinic is short-staffed. I'm working on getting my certification."

She was talking like she was trying to distract me, which was nice.

"I'm not volunteering today, though," she added. "I just got out of a prenatal appointment."

I hadn't noticed before, but now I saw she had a small baby bump. She couldn't be more than four months along.

Ava-Marie squirmed, and Sophia tickled her belly. Ava-Marie giggled, and my heart broke all over again. According to my doctors, I'd never hear my baby giggle like that. I hadn't known how much I wanted to hear that sound until now, and in an instant, it'd been taken away from me.

Tears rose to my eyes, and I tried to choke them back, but I could feel my face heating.

Sophia's features fell. "Whatever's wrong, I'm sure the doctors can help you figure it out. They're very good at what they do."

I grimaced. "That's what the receptionist told me about Dr. Malach. World-renowned, she called him. That angel can go to hell."

I sure wouldn't feel bad about watching him burn in that lake of lava I saw when I was down there.

Sophia crinkled her nose. "Ugh. Dr. Malach's the worst. I'm sorry you had to deal with him. He's not great, but the clinic keeps him around because there are so many patients that need help."

I shrugged. "I'm sure he didn't tell me anything another doctor wouldn't. I'm too sick to have a baby. I have lupus, and the pregnancy would be too high risk, so I guess I can't go through with it."

My voice cracked. I didn't know why I was opening up to this girl. She was a complete stranger. But maybe that's why it was so easy, because I was never going to see her again.

"What does he mean you can't go through with it?" Sophia demanded. She sounded like she was ready to go to war for me, some witch girl she just met. I liked her already. "Women with lupus give birth to babies all the time—Ava-Marie!"

She cut off as she scolded her daughter, who was wiggling so much she nearly fell out of Sophia's arms. Ava-Marie reached out for me, and instinctually, I picked her up. The little girl crawled onto my lap, and Sophia watched curiously as her daughter leaned her head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, and for a brief moment, I felt what it'd be like to hold a child. It was so comforting and full of love, yet the most heartbreaking thing all at once.

Ava-Marie put her hand on my belly, as if she recognized the life growing inside of me. I nearly broke down all over again.

"That's interesting…" Sophia mused. "Ava-Marie doesn't usually like strangers."

"Maybe it's because I was crying," I offered. "I'm sure kids understand empathy better than adults do."

Sophia furrowed her brow, keeping her eyes on her daughter. "She certainly seems… concerned. Doctors don't always know what they're talking about. They told us my husband couldn't have kids, and they were sure he'd pass on his illness, but Ava-Marie is fine. Maybe you should get a second opinion. I know the woman who runs the clinic—in fact, we just came from her office. She doesn't have another appointment until this afternoon. I can take you to see her if you'd like."

I nodded. "I'd like that very much. Thank you."

Sophia slung her diaper bag over her shoulder. Ava-Marie wouldn't let go of me, so I stood with the child in my arms and followed Sophia inside. She led me down a long hall and stopped outside an open door. I peered inside and was shocked to find Luana sitting at a desk. Her luna moth Familiar fluttered its wings from her shoulder.

She was the chieftain's daughter who we'd met earlier this year when we came here for information on the Oaken Wands. I recalled that she said she worked at the clinic. She seemed so young to be running it, but maybe she was older than I originally thought.

Luana stepped out of her office and into the hall to greet us. Sophia signed something to her, and whatever it was must've alarmed Luana, because she got a look of concern on her face. She signed back quickly.

Sophia turned to me. "Luana has asked me to interpret. You may address each other directly, and I will interpret everything that is said. This conversation will remain confidential, and I may interrupt for clarification. Are you okay with that?"

"Yes," I told them both.

Luana signed, and Sophia interpreted. "What exactly did Dr. Malach tell you?"

I repeated what he'd said word-for-word, pausing to give Sophia time to communicate. It wasn't like I could ever forget the conversation we had.

Luana's nostrils flared, and her face turned red. She turned on her heel and rushed down the hall, and we quickly followed. Luana stopped in front of a closed door and pounded her fist on it.

The office door popped open, and Dr. Malach stood there. He narrowed his eyes on her. "Yes, Dr. Cauac?"

It didn't sound like they got along.

Luana's signs grew bigger and more aggressive than before. She was pissed, but Dr. Malach more or less looked amused.

"I don't know what this means," he said, waving his hands in a mocking manner.

What a fucking asshole.

Sophia turned to Dr. Malach, interpreting for Luana. "Your behavior with your last patient was completely unacceptable."

Dr. Malach's gaze landed on me. "You mean the sick pregnant girl? She's chronically ill. Do you really think she can carry a baby to term? What if she passes her illness down to her child?"

I instinctually placed a hand over my belly and took a step back. Ava-Marie gripped tighter to my side, like she could sense Dr. Malach was nothing but bad news. Even if I did pass down my disease, it wasn't a reason not to have this child.

"Is that why you told her she had to abort?" Sophia interpreted. "You should know better, you ableist prick."

Dr. Malach threw his head back and let out a laugh that chilled me to the bone.

"You think that's funny?" Sophia asked, interpreting.

Luana flipped him the bird, and the meaning was abundantly clear. Dr. Malach's face paled, and Luana whirled around without a second glance back at him.

Dr. Malach turned on Sophia. "Tell her she can't fire me!"

"You're welcome to tell her yourself, and I'll interpret," Sophia said. "But technically, she can, and she just did."

"How dare you—" Dr. Malach took a step to follow Luana, but Sophia cut in front of him.

A fireball formed in her palm, and he stopped dead in his tracks. Several people poked their heads out of offices to see what was going on, but they quickly scurried away when they saw Sophia's Fire.

"I suggest you do as she says," Sophia warned. "Have your office cleaned out by the end of the day, and leave… before I make you. You are no longer welcome to practice here, in this clinic or anywhere else in Hok'evale."

I didn't know what kind of authority Sophia had around here. After all, she said she was only a volunteer. But when Sophia spoke, she spoke like someone in charge.

"I don't have anywhere else to go!" Dr. Malach protested. "The Celestials kicked me out."

"That's your problem," Sophia said.

Dr. Malach took a step back toward his former office.

Luana gestured for me to follow her. I did so quickly, before Dr. Malach could say anything else.

Victory swelled in my chest as I followed Luana down the hall and into an exam room. I hadn't meant for Dr. Malach to lose his job, but I couldn't say I was upset about it. He was a horrible doctor.

Luana waited until Sophia and I were in the room before she shut the door behind us. I sat down, and Ava-Marie seemed content in my lap. Sophia sat beside me.

"Pretend I'm not in the room," Sophia said, before she began interpreting. "I'm sorry about Dr. Malach. We hired him because the angels no longer allowed him to practice in Celestial City since he was helping patients without insurance against the Deacons' orders. Originally, we supposed he had a kind heart, but lately I've started to wonder if he was helping those uninsured patients not because he cared, but because he wanted to charge what he wished and pocket the money under the table. We've had a few problems with him being rude to patients, but nothing at this scale. I must deeply apologize and insist that nothing like this will ever happen again at my clinic."

Luana looked at me with the kindest expression, and I knew there was nothing I could say or do to show how grateful I was for her right now. All I knew was that Dr. Malach made me squirm in my skin, but here in this exam room with these two women, I felt completely safe. I needed that more than anything right now.

Luana continued signing, and Sophia spoke for her. "Dr. Malach doesn't know what he's talking about. I delivered a baby a few months ago from a mom with lupus, and she was fine. In fact, I've delivered many babies from lupus patients. As long as your symptoms are under control, you'll be okay. We just have to monitor you, because you'll be high-risk. I'm going to look up your chart."

Luana typed a few things into the computer, then read over my info quickly.

When she turned back to me, I asked, "Is my lupus going to return?"

Sophia signed my question to Luana, then paused a beat before interpreting. "You have a seven to thirty-three-percent chance of a lupus flare, which is about the same for non-pregnant women with lupus. Your pregnancy doesn't increase your chance of having a lupus flare-up. Since your lupus was under control before getting pregnant, you're very likely to deliver a healthy baby."

"So I'm not high-risk?" I wondered.

"All lupus patients are high-risk, but all that means is that you'll visit more often to be monitored more closely. Don't let Dr. Malach scare you. This is up to you, and I'm going to be here with you the whole way. We have a whole team of medical doctors, including rheumatologists, who will help."

"Is my kidney going to be okay?" I asked.

"It's recommended you wait at least a year after a transplant to start trying for a baby, but you can still carry to term without waiting that long."

My tone began to even out. "What am I at risk of?"

"Preeclampsia—or high blood pressure during pregnancy—preterm labor, blood clots, miscarriage?—"

"Miscarriage?" My hand immediately went to my belly. I was worried about my lupus and my transplant, but more than that, I worried about the baby. A healthy child was more important than my illness.

"You just need to take it as easy as possible. Since your lupus is under control, you'll be at lower risk of flares, but if they do happen, we have pregnancy-safe medication. If you choose to continue with this pregnancy, controlling your lupus is our safest option."

"What if the baby ends up with lupus?" I questioned.

"The chances are quite low—about a two-percent chance your child will ever develop lupus."

To say I was pissed at Dr. Malach was an understatement. He had spoken like passing on my illness was a sure thing, and it'd scared the hell out of me. Luana was so reassuring, though, that a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

I braced myself for the hard question, but forced myself to spit it out anyway. "Am I going to die if I continue this pregnancy?"

"There is always a risk of death for any woman—abled or disabled—in pregnancy, but let me reassure you we are the best at what we do here, and even with lupus your chances of having a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby are quite high. We will monitor you closely so that if anything looks to be going wrong, we can prepare and provide you care."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Luana had greatly eased my fears. "What's the next step?"

"I'm going to do a complete physical exam, including a blood test, which will measure kidney function. You'll come back for frequent check-ups. Around ten weeks, I'll order an antibody test that will help assess the risk of complications. If you feel the risk is too high?—"

"No," I said automatically. I hadn't even talked to Lucas about this, and he deserved a say, but I'd already made up my mind. "I want to have the baby."

There was no question. There was a tiny little person growing inside of me. I didn't know how it happened, but something about it felt like fate. This baby wanted me to be their mother—they chose me. No matter what happened, I had to be the best mother for them for as long as I could be.

"We don't know what the future holds. No two lupus patients are the same. But if you want to go forward with this, we will do everything in our power to make sure you and baby both make it through this pregnancy. Your pregnancy is high-risk, but we prefer to use the term high-support pregnancy for our patients, because that's exactly what you'll receive when in our care."

Tears sprang to my eyes again, but this time for different reasons. Luana was so caring and empathetic, and I didn't know what I'd do if Sophia wasn't here to interpret. It felt like a miracle I'd found these women.

Luana kept her eyes on me as she signed. I didn't need Sophia to interpret to understand she was asking if she could touch me. I nodded, and Luana placed her hands over my belly. Warm Anichi healing magic filled my body, in stark contrast to Dr. Malach's invasive exam. A wide smile spread across Luana's face, and she signed something I could only interpret as good news.

"Congratulations!" Sophia interpreted. "You're having twins."

My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't believe it. "Are you serious?"

"Identical. Due July twenty-fourth."

Tears streamed down my face, and my shoulders began to shake. I couldn't contain the joy I felt knowing Lucas and I were going to be parents—not just to one child, but two. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Once I calmed down, Luana performed a full exam using her magic, since it was too early for an ultrasound. She promised the babies and I were all okay, though she'd know more when the blood tests came back. Luana prescribed me the proper meds to take for my lupus while pregnant, as well as prenatal vitamins.

By the end of the exam, I felt so fucking relieved. Dr. Malach had scared the ever-living crap out of me, but according to Luana, my babies and I were going to be fine.

Sophia left the exam room with me, bouncing Ava-Marie on her hip. "Luana is the best Anichi healer in all of Hok'evale. She's also certified as a midwife and doula. She took care of me when I had Ava-Marie. She's the best person to have on your birth team."

"Thank you," I told her. "For everything."

Sophia smiled. "Of course. Us moms have to stick together."

"I never thought much about being a mom, but I like the sound of it," I admitted.

"You're going to love it," Sophia promised.

I couldn't imagine the opposite, because I was already head over heels for these babies, and I hadn't even convinced myself yet that this was all real.

It was going to have to sink in pretty quickly, because it was time for me to go home.

Once I got there, I had to find a way to tell Lucas we were having twins.