Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

M arianne struggled to breathe as she stared across the dimly lit carriage at Sebastian's face. He was waiting for her to respond, but she couldn't, not when information was hitting her from all sides. The most important of which was that Sebastian knew about the list. He knew .

She swallowed and slowly withdrew her hand from his, even though to do so made her cold down to her bones. "I don't know what you mean."

He arched a brow. "I see. Well, since I'd like to get past this and to the more enjoyable parts of our evening, let me rush the next conversation. You've denied what I said, so I'll tell you that I know absolutely and without doubt. You'll ask me how. I'll shift and stammer because I recognize I did something wrong."

" Wrong ?" She sat up straighter. "What did you do?"

He tilted his head and his gaze held hers firmly. "The night you went to the hell with Lanford, I was looking for you. And I did go into your chamber in the hopes we could talk. Honestly, I suppose it was in the hopes we might do more than talk because my body knew what my mind was not ready for."

She wrinkled her brow at that statement, which she didn't fully comprehend. "I?—"

He held up a hand. "I'll tell you. I suppose I did two wrong things. The first was entering your chamber without permission, the second was looking around when I realized you weren't there. In the beginning, it was only out of curiosity."

She couldn't breathe. She clenched her hands in her lap, staring at him as he stood on the edge of dismantling her entirely. At least that was how dire this moment felt.

"And…and what did you find?" she gasped.

"Marianne," he said gently. "You know what I found. You left the list out on the dressing table. I assume because you didn't expect some ungentlemanly cad like the Earl of Ramsbury to come into your room uninvited. I wouldn't have disturbed it, but I saw my name written in your notes. By the way, being alone with me definitely counts as being unescorted."

She bent her head. "Yes. I wrote that part long before you even kissed me."

"Hmmm." He reached out and took her hand again. Now he linked his fingers through hers and tugged her over to his side of the carriage. When he wrapped his arm around her, tucking her against him, she couldn't help but let out her breath in a shuddering sigh.

"You must have thought me the most ridiculous, pathetic fool when you saw it." She refused to look at him when he gave his answer.

Only he didn't allow her to hide. He slipped a finger beneath her chin and tilted her face up. "Never. Never once in all the years I've known you have I ever thought you ridiculous or pathetic and I never shall in all the years to come that I hope our lives will be intertwined."

"Sebastian?" she whispered, her heart leaping at those words. They felt like he was offering a future. Could that be right? Or was he just reassuring her that their friendship was intact, even while he held her like a lover?

He smiled. "I only question why you didn't tell me what was happening. You were using me to assist you in completing the list, that much is clear. Why not just be honest?"

She stared at her hands in her lap, pushing aside the questions his behavior inspired in her, at least for the moment. She was putting her hopes and feelings for him into this charged moment, she couldn't read too much into it. "When Claudia died, I felt so alone. She was my closest friend and confidante. She left me her jewelry box, I'd always admired it. But when I received it, I realized there was something hidden inside."

"The list," he said softly.

"Yes, it was Claudia's to start." Tears stung her eyes. "She was so sick, so suddenly, and she must have been pondering her life. She wrote all these dreams, all these wild hopes of what to do if she lived. And when I saw them I also saw how empty I'd allowed my life to become. All I did was stand at walls, drink tea with other spinsters and sleep. What a sad, slow march to whatever end of my own life that will eventually come."

He winced. "Hopefully not for many, many years."

"I'm sure Claudia hoped that too. And her early loss made me want to-well, I suppose it made me want to do something now . And yes, I used you to fulfill a few of those items because I-I trust you, Sebastian."

Now his expression softened and his arm around her grew tighter. "I'm glad I've earned that. Even if I was a snoop in your chamber that night."

"I'll be honest that if I found myself in your chamber alone, I'd likely look at your things, too. And if I discovered something with my name on it, I'd definitely look." She sighed. "I was foolish to leave the list out. But I was on my way to meet Mr. Lanford and go to the hell, so I scribbled my note about it and then left it in my haste. And now you know it all."

"Except the answer to my actual question," he said softly. "Which was why you didn't tell me, ask me more directly for help."

"I-I thought you'd say no. I thought you'd tell Finn because you believed it was for my own good to go back into the corner where I belonged." She sighed. "I thought you would think me silly."

He nodded. "You've been relegated into the corner by Society for too long. Not seen by those around you, including me, I'm afraid. But I must tell you how deeply I admire you for trying something so bold."

She laughed. "It cannot seem bold at all to a man who is known for rabble-rousing. My little rebellions cannot be anything to you."

"You're wrong, they're everything." His fingers came up to trace her cheek. "Flouting expectation is incredibly brave. I'm in awe of you. I hope I can be so brave, to be a different kind of man."

She drew back. What kind of man did Sebastian imply he wished to be? She would have asked, but the carriage was coming to a stop and he smiled as he glanced out the window.

"Now we've arrived. But I don't want to force you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. This is not the kind of party that a lady would often attend, you see. So it will cross something off your list, but if you don't wish to do it, we don't have to."

She stared up at him, memorizing his expression in the dim light from the lamps outside at whatever mystery location he'd brought her to. She didn't need to look at it. Didn't need to ask questions. She merely nodded. "I already told you, I trust you, Sebastian."

He didn't move for a moment but then he lowered his lips. She lifted to meet him and they were kissing for the first time in over ten days. It was like a lifetime and she clung to him in relief that she would know his taste again. He clutched her against his chest, his mouth becoming more hungry, more demanding on hers. She met him for every stroke, pushing herself closer, almost into his lap in the tight confines of the carriage.

But before everything could escalate into the encounter of her foggy, heated dreams, he drew back. He was panting, his rough breaths matching her own.

"Great God, what you do to me," he muttered, she thought more to himself than to her. "But you cannot deter me, though I very much appreciate the attempt."

" You kissed me !" she burst out with a laugh.

He shook his head. "Me? I'm a perfect gentleman. That cannot be true." He rapped his hand against the carriage wall with a wicked grin.

And that exchange released all the tension between them in a moment. She was smiling as the servant opened the carriage door, and Sebastian exited first so that he could help her. He tucked her hand into his elbow and they turned toward a large, brightly lit estate before them.

"I don't know this place," Marianne said softly as they approached the open door that led into a dazzling foyer.

"I should say not. This is the estate of a woman named Vivien Manning, an infamous courtesan." Marianne's mouth dropped open and he laughed at her shock. "We do not have to stay if you don't wish. But the moment we cross that threshold you'll have attended a party to which you were very much not invited."

She drew in a long breath. "I've nothing to lose, I suppose. Yes, let's go in."

He escorted her forward and they entered the foyer. The servant there seemed to recognize Sebastian, which set off a twinge in Marianne's chest that she didn't particularly like. It would be ridiculous to be jealous of this man's past, especially since he wasn't even hers. Whatever was happening between them now wasn't permanent, no matter how her aching heart wished it to be.

Together they went down a long hallway and Marianne looked around her in wonder. It was a chic, sophisticated home, decorated to perfection. Certainly not what she would have pictured if someone had asked her to imagine the dwelling of an infamous courtesan , as Sebastian had called her.

The ballroom doors were all thrown open and in the distance she heard lively music being played. When they entered the room, she caught her breath again. There was some sort of theme being played out it seemed, for all of Miss Manning's servants were wearing scanty livery that made them look like fairies. The guests were wearing something of the same, wings affixed to shockingly low gowns on the ladies and the jackets of the men's best. But other than the increase in bare flesh, it was exactly like a Society ball.

Which Marianne was about to say when they were approached by a beautiful blonde woman with sharp, bright blue eyes. "Ramsbury," she said, her voice light and musical. "I didn't expect to see you here tonight."

"Good evening, Vivien," he said with a slight bow. "It's been too long."

"It has," she said, and her gaze focused on Sebastian's face for what felt like far too long for Marianne's taste. Then she shifted it and those blue eyes met her own. "I do not recognize your friend."

Marianne swallowed. She'd never been an uninvited guest before, but here they were. And she found herself extending her hand. "Marianne," she said simply. "Sebastian's lover."

He pivoted his head toward her, his eyes suddenly wide. She almost laughed at the sight of him. He actually looked shocked and that was highly difficult to do.

Miss Manning smiled. "Then you are most welcome. I hope you'll enjoy the gathering. Good evening, Ramsbury…Marianne."

She gave Sebastian a knowing look and then slipped off into the crowd and left them alone. When she had, he pivoted toward Marianne. "I think you've completed two items from that list of yours. Attend a party to which you were not invited and say something shocking!"

"Is it shocking if it's true?" she asked, although she knew the answer. "I admit I rather liked shocking you."

"I liked being shocked," he said with a laugh. "Keep doing things that are so unexpected and I will not make it through the night before I'll need to get you alone in my carriage again."

He motioned toward the dancefloor and she nodded. As they began to move, she noticed he pulled her far closer than he ever would have done in a Society ballroom. Enough that she felt the full length of his body from chest to hip. She shivered at the warmth of him.

"Are you saying that my being shocking is arousing to you?" she asked.

"Being around you in any way is arousing," he admitted softly, his gaze never leaving hers, even as he guided her around other couples and their protruding wings. "But yes, it's always fun to be set on one's head by a partner. Keeps a man on his toes."

They made a few more turns together and then Marianne sighed. "Was Miss Manning your mistress?"

His expression softened. "Are you jealous?"

"I know I've no place to be," she said slowly.

"She was never my mistress," he said, and his fingers tightened against her lower back briefly. "I've had mistresses, of course. A few I even met at Vivien's gatherings. She's known as a sort of matchmaker for men and their mistresses. But I haven't had a mistress for a long time, Marianne."

"You haven't?" She sighed. That fact made her feel better, foolish as the reaction was. "Your past is your own, I know. I have no right to demand to know more about it."

"I was jealous of you and Lanford," he said.

"You were?"

"Burning with it," he admitted, and then shocked her by bending his head and pressing his lips to hers gently. It was brief, but the public display still made her blush. When he pulled away, he said, "I wanted to do that in front of him, to lay some kind of barbaric claim on you. Unfair, I know, but no less true. So you're not alone in that unpleasant reaction."

The song they were dancing to ended and the orchestra began with a livelier one. He laughed as he swung her around in time and they fell into the steps. "Come, let's enjoy ourselves. Let's dance and watch the couples and gossip shamelessly about them and drink Vivien's punch, but not too much, because she doesn't water it down."

She couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm, at his focus on her, at the light of him that made everything that had ever been dark seem…better. And she nodded and fell into the joy of simply being with him. Even if it could lead to nothing, the moment of it was worth any pain that might follow.

S o many hours later that he could hardly count them, Sebastian helped Marianne back into his carriage and then joined her, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. It had been a remarkable night. Unlike in Society ballrooms, where he had so often felt her tension, Marianne had allowed herself to be free at Vivien's. She'd danced and laughed, she'd been kind to everyone she met, regardless of their station. She'd blushed when the desires of those around them became clear or when she noticed how naughty some of the wallpaper or art pieces were.

In short, she had been a delight and watching her, being with her, had only strengthened all of Sebastian's resolve. Now he smoothed her hair and said, "Will you come back to my home?"

She lifted her head slightly and her gaze glittered in the darkness. "Go home with you?"

He nodded. "Please. I don't want this night to end. I could teach you billiards. Isn't that on your list?"

She smiled. "You really did read closely. In fact, aside from filling my dance card, I believe learning billiards is the last item on my… Claudia's list."

"Then let me help you cross it off. Come home with me."

"Is that the only reason?" she whispered.

The question was bold and he smiled. God, but he loved this side of her. The one that didn't fear the consequences because she trusted him. Because she trusted herself.

"If you would allow me, I'd certainly give you other reasons to stay," he said, and lifted her hand to his lips, brushing her skin gently. "I would make up for the last time we were imprudent and interrupted before I could give you everything you so deserve and more."

"I'll go home with you."

He reached back and knocked twice on the wall and the carriage picked up speed as it headed toward his home. She tilted her head in question.

He shrugged. "I said if I knocked once to take you back to your home. If twice, we'd go to mine."

"An excellent system," she said as she rested her head back on his shoulder.

They were quiet on the rest of the ride to his estate. Normally, he might have felt uncomfortable in such silence, tried to fill it, but with Marianne there wasn't a need. He simply looked at their intertwined fingers, resting against his thigh. It was all so easy .

They reached the estate in half an hour and soon enough were inside. He dismissed his butler and any other servants, with Marianne blushing beside him and refusing to meet the eyes of anyone they passed.

"They're discreet," he said as he pushed open the door to the billiards room and motioned her inside.

"I suppose they must be," she said, "over the years. You must have brought many ladies here."

He tracked her as she moved to the billiards table and leaned her hands against the edge, her thumbs brushing the velvet fabric absently. "You've brought up my past and all its rumored lovers twice tonight," he said softly. "Would you like to discuss that further?"

She didn't look up and her cheeks were bright with color. "I'm sure you don't wish to talk about that."

"I've suggested it," he said. "And I'm happy to clear up any misconceptions you might have."

Now she did look up, her expression filled with disbelief. "Misconceptions?" she repeated. "Are you saying you haven't lived your life as a libertine?"

"I have," he said. "Like many a man of privilege, I've often chosen the path of a wastrel. I like pleasure, as I think you know. I've sought it out with lovers and mistresses over the years."

She folded her arms like a shield and he could see that those words hurt her, even if she had already known they were true. Which meant she cared. She cared about him. Loved him, he didn't know. But he could work with caring.

He stepped toward her. "I'll tell you this: those assignations were meaningless emotionally. I never let anyone closer than my body. They were transactional exchanges, on both sides. Pleasure for pleasure and nothing more. I enjoyed myself, I did my best to ensure the lady in question did the same. But when we parted ways, I never, not even once, felt a twinge of longing or regret for what I'd walked away from."

She swallowed. "That sounds very empty."

"It was, though I wouldn't have admitted it to myself." Now he shifted as his fears flooded him. He was about to say things he never believed he'd say. Do something he'd never believed he'd do. And he had no idea how this woman, this remarkable woman, would respond. But he'd do it anyway, because the weight of his heart was greater than the depth of his fear.

"Marianne, the first time I ever felt bereft when I walked away from a woman was when I was asked to leave you behind in Garringford Corners."

The color left her cheeks at that admission and she stared up at him in what could only be described as confusion as those words sank in. "Wh-what?"

He took her hand. It trembled in his own, or was it his that trembled? He couldn't tell anymore. Perhaps it didn't matter.

"Marianne, the last ten days without you have been the worst of my life. All I have thought about, dreamed about, written about is you. All I have wanted in my bed and in my parlors and on my arm, is you. And when you haven't been there, I realized more and more what I cannot live without is you ."

She tried to step back and he gently held her, not to force her to agree, but because he needed her to know he meant those words.

"I-I don't understand," she breathed, the words almost unrecognizable despite the fact that they were right next to each other.

"Because I haven't been clear," he said. "Too many times, to myself and to you. But I want to be perfectly clear now. I don't want you to misunderstand or be able to question what I meant later when you think about this. I love you, Marianne. I am in love with you."

He waited for her response, waited for joy or discomfort or anything to cross her face. But she simply stared at him, unblinking and for the first time he wondered if he had read this entire situation the wrong way.

Wondered if he was about to lose not just his friend, but the love of his life.