Chapter 15

For the next few days, they went to the hospital to visit Collin’s father each morning. He seemed to be making progress, but he was still confused, stubborn, and forgetful. The earl’s mobility had improved somewhat, but he was still in fragile health. In the afternoons, Tank went with Collin on estate business, checking on each of the operations and making sure all was in order. He worked with the estate’s sheep man as well as the stable master, rolling up his sleeves and helping out where he could. It felt good to get his hands dirty.

“We’re going to miss you,” one of the boys said as Tank finished up in the stable for the day and pulled on his jacket.

Tank smiled and nodded. He had done his best to fit in, and he knew the easiest way to earn the respect of a man who worked for a living was to spend a day right alongside him. “I’m going to miss all of you too.”

Tank walked slowly down the row of stalls, greeting each of the horses as he went. “I’ll miss them as well.” He said a final goodbye to each person he met, shook their hand, and wished them each the best. Then he let one of the men drive him back to the house, where he took off his boots and went inside.

“Tank?” Collin said as he came out of the library. “Done for the day?”

“Yes. I need to clean up and pack. My train to London leaves first thing in the morning.”

Collin set aside the papers he was holding. “You know you can’t leave. We never figured out how to get into that secret room.” He put his hands on his hips. “And you can’t leave until we do.” Collin tried to hold a straight face, but he failed.

“Is that so? Then by that logic, we should never look for the key, and then I can’t go away.” God, that idea sounded enticing. “But I have to, and you have so many things to do here. You don’t need a cowboy getting in your way.” His throat ached, and he needed some distance or else he was going to break down in tears. Tank left the room and went upstairs, grabbed clean clothes, and went into the bathroom. It was old-fashioned but had a decent if tricky shower. Tank stripped down and got under the water, then washed up quickly before shutting it off. He pushed the curtain aside to see Collin standing outside, glaring at him like he was in for a gunfight.

“Do you really think you’d be in the way if you stayed?” Collin seemed to have a good head of steam.

Tank scratched the back of his neck. “Do you really think you can introduce me to your friends? I’m rough, and I make my living outdoors. We had a nice time at George and Alan’s, but I saw all that finery all over. The dining room in this house looks like the king could come to visit at any time. And what if someone like that does decide to come calling?” He shook his head.

Collin closed the distance between them. “This is some excuse to make leaving easier. I know it.”

Tank nodded. “Maybe it is. But who can blame me? Or you? I have to go, and you need to stay.” He sighed. “After meeting you, things in my life are never going to be the same. For years I was fine being alone.” He was never going to be able to go back to that, because now he knew how his life could be if he shared it with someone. The problem was that the one person he wanted, he just couldn’t have. Tank took Collin into his arms, held him, and said nothing. Sometimes words weren’t enough.

Slowly Collin wound his arms around Tank’s back. “I don’t want you to leave either. But I understand. You have to go the same as I had to return here.”

There was nothing more to say. Tank lifted Collin off his feet and carried him toward the bedroom. He had to leave in the morning, but he was damn well going to give them both a memory to hold on to.

Morning came way too early. Tank blinked at the clock beside the bed and got up. He dressed, took his bags downstairs, and left them near the front door. Collin came down just as George and Alan arrived. “You didn’t need to come,” Tank said before Alan hugged him. Then George did the same.

“We had to say goodbye,” George said.

Alan nodded. “You take care, and tell Mom and Chip that I will see them for Mom’s wedding in a few months.” He half smiled. “You take care of yourself.” He stepped back and nodded. Then he and George said a final goodbye before leaving.

Tank loaded his bags into Collin’s car, and once everything was inside, Tank got in, and Collin pulled out and maneuvered the car down the drive. Tank turned to look at the house a final time before looking forward. He refused to break down and held his head high all the way to the train station. Once they arrived, Tank got out and got his bags, then stood next to the car. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.

Collin nodded, his eyes puffy and his lips trembling a little. Tank hugged him tightly.

“Take care of yourself, and for goodness’ sake, spend some time with your friends and give Sheba and the pups some treats for me.” He backed away, and Tank picked up his bags and headed for the train. He told himself he wasn’t going to look back but did anyway, just before entering the station. Collin raised his hand and forced a half-smile.

Tank was so tempted to drop his bags and hurry back to him, but he nodded and smiled before turning into the station waiting area. His head ached, and his heart felt like it had been ripped from his chest, but he tried to ignore all of it. If he was numb, he wouldn’t have to feel it, and he could try to go home and get on with his life.

Tank could tell himself that as much as he wanted, but it was easier said than done.

A few hours on the train was nothing compared to the bustle of the huge London airport and then mind-numbing hours on flights back to the States. Tank tried to rest but ended up running over his visit with Collin again and again. Their rides across the fields and woods, working with the beautiful horses in Collin’s stable, talking with the man who managed Collin’s sheep, afternoons in the pub for a pint. Even the visits to see Collin’s cantankerous father in the hospital. It had all seemed so ideal and maybe a little unreal. He snorted as he looked out the airplane window, the reality of the time he’d had with Collin already fading into something as ethereal and hard to grasp as the clouds below them.

“Would you like something to drink?” the flight attendant asked.

“A beer, please,” Tank answered, trying to rustle up a smile and failing. He stared out as the plane headed west, taking him farther from Collin with each passing second, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing at all.

It took an additional flight and hours’ more travel, as well as a ride from Chip, before he stood outside his home once more. Apparently Maureen had brought Sheba, Liza, and Danny home from her house, because they were waiting excitedly for him, tumbling over each other for his attention. Tank put his bags down and knelt, then picked up each of them for kisses and plenty of attention. The pups had grown, and all three dogs seemed happy to see him, which warmed his heart.

“How about some treats?” Tank said as he stood up and opened the cupboard to give a Milk-Bone to each of the dogs, who hurried off to protect their treasure from the others. Tank put his bags in his room, looking down at the tidy bed where he and Collin had made love. He shook his head before closing the door behind him, then trudging through the house and out to the barn, where the horses all looked out to greet him.

Tank greeted each one, using caution around Barney, who seemed to be looking for Collin. Tank gently patted his neck and gave him a carrot before moving on as he wondered if there was any place on his own damned ranch that wouldn’t remind him of Collin.

“Boss, you’re back,” Denny said before setting down a bale of hay to portion out to each horse. “Did you have a good trip?”

“I did. How are things here?”

Denny gave him a rundown of where everything stood. “We had a hard rain while you were gone. The storm came out of nowhere. There was some damage, but I got it repaired already, though you might want to get some more stone for the drive.”

“Good deal,” he said, smiling. “What else is going on?”

“Not much. Just that Maureen sent out wedding invitations. I’m sure there’s one for you in the mail I put on the kitchen table.” He nervously scratched the back of his neck. “I gotta ask, are you going to go back?” He shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“Where?”

“Back to England to be with Collin,” he clarified. “Or is he going to come here?”

There must have been plenty of speculation going on. “You know one of those estates like they have on Downton Abbey ?” Not that he had watched it, but everyone knew about it. Denny nodded.

“My wife watched it.”

Tank huffed. “Well, Collin has one of those back home, and George has an even bigger one. They take a lot of work, and there’s a ton of family business and drama wrapped up in them. So Collin isn’t going to be coming here. And I have this ranch, and, well, I can’t just pick it up and move the whole thing to England.” He really didn’t want to talk about this. “What do we have to do today?” It was best to get the conversation on work. Fortunately Denny took the hint and shifted the topic to the tasks left. Tank got busy, hoping that maybe physical activity would clear out some of the cobwebs and help him get his head on straight.

Maureen set a dinner plate down in front of him. He thanked her and did his best to listen to the conversation, which was all about the wedding in a few weeks. Claude sat in the chair near hers, and the two of them looked like school kids, the way they grinned at each other.

“Have you heard from Collin? Do you know if he’s coming with Alan and George?” Chip asked.

Tank shrugged. “I talked to him a few days ago. He is really busy putting things in order. He said his father’s health is improving a little, but he doesn’t know if he can get away.” Each conversation with Collin seemed more and more remote. Maybe that was just the way of things. They hadn’t seen each other in over a month. He and Collin had only been together for a few days, so maybe it was natural for things to cool.

“Tank, honey,” Maureen said, pulling his head out of the clouds and back down to earth.

“I’m sorry,” he said and tried to pay attention to what everyone was saying, but his heart just wasn’t in it. His head was thousands of miles away. He found himself doing the time-zone match in his head, wondering where Collin was and what he might be doing at the moment more times a day than he could count.

Tank finished his dinner and waited until the others were done before thanking Maureen for the invitation.

“You’re welcome. Go on in the living room. I’ll be there in a minute,” she told him, and Tank did as she asked, standing near the side of the sofa closest to the door until Maureen came in alone. “You need to do something,” she told him seriously as she sat in her chair. “It’s been weeks, and you still look like someone kicked your dog.” She took his hand.

“What can I do? He’s over there taking care of his father and that estate of his.” He wasn’t going to say it, but he was a bit intimidated by all of it. “I can’t fit in over there, and Collin needs someone who can help him in that life. Besides, I have the ranch here, and I can’t just walk away from it. This is my home just as much as Collin’s is over there.”

She nodded. “I know, but you got to do something. You can’t mope around for the rest of your life. You get up, go to work all day, make something to eat, and then fall into bed, only to do it all over again the next day. You’re trying to run away while standing still at the same time, and it isn’t going to work.”

“What am I supposed to do? I can’t have what I want, so I do what I can. I work and hope that things will feel better. They say that each day it’s supposed to get easier, but that’s bullshit. Pardon my language,” Tank said.

Maureen rolled her eyes. “You’re supposed to get on with things. Find someone to share your life with.” She sounded so reasonable, but the idea of going out with anyone other than Collin made his stomach roil.

“I can’t just go out with anyone else. That would be wrong,” he said before he could stop it.

Maureen nodded slowly. “Because you’re in love with him. This isn’t some infatuation or passing thing. You fell in love with him just as I suspect he did with you.” She pointed to the seat, and Tank plonked himself down. “This is a bit of a pickle.”

“It’s impossible, that’s what it is, and I have to accept it and try to get over it.” That was the only option. “So please just let me do it in my own way.”

Maureen shook her head. “Okay, I will, but don’t expect me to sit around forever and just let you pine away.” Dang, she was something else.

“What are you going to do?” Tank asked. Not that there was an answer. “And before you even think about it, don’t go setting me up on blind dates or something.”

She laughed, sitting back in the chair. “That’s the last thing I’d try. Young man, you have your heart set on one thing, and maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll get it somehow.”

Tank sighed, leaning forward and resting his head in his hands. “I don’t see it.”

She stroked the top of his head. “Love and life work in mysterious ways.” When he looked up at her, she still had a smile that made him wonder what she was thinking. “By the way, I like your hair. Letting it grow out makes you look softer and really handsome.”

“I started growing it out when I was gone. Collin said he liked it too.” Why did everything lead back to him? “I think I should go on home. Thank you for the dinner. I appreciate it very much, even if I’m terrible company.” He stood and turned to leave, but Maureen took his arm. When he looked at her, she gave him a hug.

“I’m a mother, and just because my kids are grown doesn’t mean I can turn that off.”

Tank held her gently in return. “But you aren’t my mother.”

“Details, details,” she said, giving him a squeeze before backing away. “You have a good evening.”

Tank nodded and left. He intended to go home, but instead he got into his truck and turned in the other direction and just drove. There were times when being out on the road, away from everything, allowed him to think. Eventually he pulled off to the side, got out, and lowered the tailgate. He sat on it and watched the sun set, then lay down as the stars came out. He wondered if Collin could be looking at the same stars that he was.

God, he had turned into such a sap. He had work to do, and yet he couldn’t help lying here, wondering about Collin.

“I wish you were here with me,” he admitted out loud. “I miss you.” He sent the words out into the night, and then, after watching the constellations for a while, got back in the truck and went home.

As usual, Sheba was happy to see him. He passed out treats and then got ready for bed, grateful when all three dogs joined him in the now empty-seeming bed. Tank rolled onto his side, facing the unoccupied other half of the bed. He now clearly understood the difference between being alone and being lonely. For years he had lived on this ranch alone and never given it a second thought. But now he was tooth-achingly lonely and had no fucking idea what to do about it.