Chapter 11

The three head of cattle seemed miserable by the time Tank returned to them. Doc Hasper took one look, brought out his gun, and shot them on the spot. “I’m going to take some samples, and then I can call someone to haul these away and dispose of them safely.”

“What do you think it is?” Tank asked, already fearing the worst.

Doc Hasper sighed. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say anthrax. All the cattle in the area are vaccinated, so I’m wondering where these came in from. You and your boys have been vaccinated, right?” he asked, and Tank nodded. Then it hit him hard.

“Everyone except Collin,” Tank said. “Son of a bitch!” He wanted to scream. “I’m going to squeeze the life out of the asshole that did this, then resuscitate him so I can kill the piece of shit again.” He stormed away, swearing up a storm. He snatched his hat off his head, wanting to beat the shit out of someone, but the person he thought was responsible was already in jail. Maybe if he asked nicely, the sheriff would give him five minutes. That was all he needed to make sure Sullivan paid for this.

“The new guy I just met?” Doc Hasper asked.

“He’s a guest here on the ranch. He came to visit with George and Alan.” And since he didn’t work with cattle, there wasn’t much chance that he’d had a vaccine. “Fuck.”

“Okay. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m going to get these samples run as fast as I can.”

“And I need to talk to the sheriff,” Tank said, still fuming, his mind running in a million directions. He made his call while the vet took his samples and made a call of his own. The sheriff said he would meet both of them at the house. All Tank could see was a very black day stretching ahead of him.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Maureen snapped at dinner as Tank told everyone what they had been able to find out.

“I wish I were. Three head with anthrax were let loose in my field.”

“But that doesn’t make sense. All our cattle are vaccinated, and so are yours,” Alan said. “What’s the point? That sort of thing was a dirty trick pulled in the old days to run a rival out of business. But it doesn’t make sense today.” Alan set down his fork and turned to George. “Shit.”

“Exactly,” Tank said. “We’re vaccinated as well, because we work with cattle every day.” Tank looked at Collin and George. “They aren’t. I never touched or came close to those cattle, but I scrubbed myself as soon as I got done with the doc and sheriff.”

“The sheriff had me tested,” Collin said. “And the doctor was already here. He gave George and me some treatment pills just in case and vaccinated us. We’re doing what we can, but it’s not going to take effect that soon.” He sounded heartbroken, and Tank knew exactly how he felt.

“What I want to know is where someone got three head of unvaccinated cattle and exposed them to anthrax before putting them on your land, and how would they do that without exposing themselves to the disease?” Maureen shook her head.

“The sheriff is looking into the whole incident. But no one has reported any cattle missing, and some of those large operations would write off three head as a loss and move on.”

“Do you think Sullivan is behind this?” Collin asked.

“I do,” Tank said. “One of the things he said he was hired to do was to try to scare you into going home. The scaffolding incident was clumsy at best, and I doubt that was going to work. But a scare like this?” He swallowed hard. “To potentially expose you to a disease you don’t have an immunity to?” That was absolutely frightening.

“George too,” Alan said. “What are we going to do?”

George swallowed and set down his fork. “I’m not letting some piece of dirt run me off. What about you, Collin?”

Tank loved how Collin squared his shoulders. “We’re made of sterner stuff than that.” They shared a nod, a show of joint determination.

“Exactly.” They raised their beer glasses in a silent toast. “Now I say we roast this Sullivan.”

Tank hoped that was some British saying, though an image of Sullivan on a spit did make him smile. “The sheriff is trying to track down the cattle and will definitely be having a talk with Sullivan, as well as going through his stuff. The man isn’t the brightest bulb on the string, so he’d be dumb enough to keep something that could tie him to this. In the meantime, we make sure that George and Collin don’t come in direct contact with the cattle.”

Collin smacked his shoulder. “Yours are all vaccinated, and so are Maureen’s. These three are an anomaly, and they have been dealt with. The sheriff is going to find out the source of the issue, and that will be that. We’ve taken preventative measures and have the doctor’s direct number.” Collin leaned closer. “I know you’re worried, but I’m okay, and you don’t need to get your knickers in a twist.”

Tank shivered and whispered into Collin’s ear. Collin turned completely red and then glared at him for a second. “Later,” Tank added, and Collin nodded before taking a huge drink of beer.

“What did you say to him?” Chip asked.

“Never you mind,” Maureen scolded. “And you behave at my table, Timmy Rogers.”

Tank grew serious. “Yes, ma’am.” Everyone grew quiet until Alan and Chip chuckled. Tank lifted his gaze and found Maureen watching him, smiling a little. “You got me,” he said as Maureen patted his hand.

Collin snickered next to him and shook his head. “I can’t quite get over you as a Timmy.”

“That’s what we called him when we were kids,” Alan said. “Can you imagine Tank here at ten years old? He was skinny and short. So many times, we thought the wind was going to blow him away. Then later, he grew up and then out.” Alan grinned. “I barely recognized you when you got back from the Army.”

“I know that’s where you got your nickname,” Collin said.

Tank sighed. “In a way. See, I was still this skinny kid when I enlisted, and I took shit for it. The other guys in the unit started calling me Tiny Tim. I laughed at first, but then one of them tried to pull some shit and I clocked him in the nose. Got called in for it too, but the other men were honest and came forward to explain that I was defending myself.” He tried not to let the darkness of those memories wash over him. “He got discharged for his conduct, and I was excused. And then one of the men started calling me Tank. Don’t know why, but after that I grew into the name. I guess you could say that I hit a major growth spurt. Nothing fit, and I was going through clothes by the ton. They issued me four sets of uniforms in a year. I was taller and a hell of a lot stronger. I was nineteen, maybe twenty.” He pushed his plate away, and Collin rubbed his hand under the table.

“When are we going to the rodeo?” Collin asked out of the blue, changing the subject as he laced their fingers together and Tank let his story taper off. He hated talking about his time overseas and was grateful that Collin understood that. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

And just like that, the conversation veered off into arrangements for the trip to Cheyenne. Tank was so grateful for Collin’s social abilities.

“Can I go along?” Chip asked.

Alan nodded. “You just want to talk with the vets about caring for the bulls and such.” Alan and Chip went off into a conversation of their own. Tank returned to eating as Collin and Maureen spoke about Collin’s father and things back in England. Collin told her about what he knew was happening back home. Apparently he had spoken with one of the men on the estate. Tank knew he should be paying attention, but his mind seemed mired in long-ago things he needed to be able to leave behind.

“Sometimes our pasts have a way of sneaking up on us,” George told him softly. “The only way to exorcise it is to get whatever it is out in the open. Then it doesn’t have any more power over you.”

“It isn’t that,” Tank said. “It’s just that sometimes I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.”

Collin squeezed his hand. “You’re supposed to be you.”

“But what person is that?” Tank asked, and the conversation around the table screeched to a halt.

“Tank, honey, what do you mean?” Maureen asked.

Collin leaned forward. “I think Tank is still trying to figure out who he is.” He met Tank’s gaze with that gentleness that he knew he was falling for in his big blue eyes, so understanding and unjudgmental.

“How so?” Chip asked. “You’re Tank. We know who you are. We grew up next door.”

Tank shrugged. “I’m not that person any longer.” Sometimes he felt like the floor under his feet was going to swallow him up. It was hard for most people to understand. “I’m not the kid you grew up with. The Army made very sure that person is gone. I spent years learning how to fight and being good at what I did. I fought side by side with men who thought nothing of doing what was necessary to win. I became one of them. And now I’m supposed to be that same guy I was before I left, and I can’t do that.”

“I know,” Collin said softly. “I like the person you are now. You don’t need to be anyone other than yourself.”

This was very difficult, and it felt like he was about to rip his chest open for everyone to see. “But who the hell is that?” He spoke more loudly than he intended. “I came back, and then I threw myself into the ranch. I kept to myself and just worked because it was what I knew how to do and because it was safe. I felt safe.” That took a lot to admit, and Tank couldn’t take the scrutiny any longer.

“And what isn’t safe now?” Collin asked.

Tank looked around the table, all eyes on him. He swallowed and stood, then thanked Maureen for dinner before getting the hell out of that room as quickly as he could. He went outside and around the corner of the ranch house, clenching his fists. “Fuck… fuck… fuck…,” he hissed. Tank had seen battle, he’d fought for his country, and yet he couldn’t face his own emotions. Those overwhelmed him and sent him running for the hills like a scared rabbit.

A hand pressed to the middle of his back. He turned to find Collin simply looking at him. “You know it’s okay, big guy.”

“No, it’s not. No one understands.”

“Then explain it to me.” Collin leaned against the side of the building. “What has you so upset?”

“Because I’m not the soldier I was trained to be. I can’t do that anymore. I’m not the kid I was before I left. That person is gone too. I’ve spent years trying to be a rancher, but all I ended up with is an empty house with only three dogs for company, and just when I thought things might be changing for me… it hits me that you’re going to be leaving and I’m going to have to go back to being something I can’t be again. Maybe that’s my destiny. I’m stuck in a life that changes me, but then changes again, and I just can’t keep up and will never fit in.”

Collin blinked up at him, those huge eyes as beautiful as ever in the last of the evening light. “Did you ever think that the only place you don’t fit in is right up here?” He placed his hand on the side of Tank’s head. “Your men would follow you anywhere. They trust you, and come on… Denny walked in on the two of us having a good snog and didn’t bat an eyelash. And as for the rest… our lives change all the time, and we all have to roll with it. No matter what.”

Tank knew Collin was right, but it didn’t make him feel any better. “I just want something more….”

“What is it you want, Tank?” Collin asked. “I’m not asking what you think you should do or what your family would have wanted you to do, but what is it you want?” He sighed. “Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you’ve been doing what you think you have to do.” Collin went up on his toes. “But maybe it’s time for you to think about what it is you want. Tank… what is it that’s going to make you happy?”

With a question that no one had ever asked before, Collin slid his hand away from Tank’s cheek. Then he turned and slowly walked back around the corner of the house. The back door slapped closed a few seconds later.

Tank blinked as he looked out over the rolling land. He knew how it behaved. This was where he had done part of his growing up; the land was part of him. But maybe it wasn’t all of him. Collin’s question was a simple one, and yet it was something Tank had never really considered. He’d gone into the service because it was a place where he knew he could get a good job and be able to send money home to help. Then, once he was out, he’d returned and taken over because somehow he thought he had to save the one thing his mother and father had tried to build, the one place he thought he felt at home. But even here, he was still a stranger of sorts. There was one thing—one person —who didn’t make him feel like a stranger in a strange land, and that was Collin.

And like it or not, he would be leaving soon, and there was nothing Tank could do about it.