Chapter 19

Ambrose

Ambrose had undressed in preparation for his visit to Lexie next door and put on his robe. He had waited then for all sounds in the house to die down before venturing out of his room. While he waited, he had mulled over the events of the evening.

Daniel had been his usual charming and gregarious self. Ambrose could tell both Lexie and Edwin had been won over by him. Yet beneath the pleasantries, he had sensed a dark disquiet in Daniel's eyes. He had been morose ever since their arrival in Oxford.

No, that was not quite right. At the bank, he had been upbeat and in fine spirits. It was afterwards that his mood had soured. Trying to pinpoint the moment, Ambrose narrowed it to just after Daniel had met Lexie. Yes, that was when Daniel had become testy and uncommunicative.

Could Daniel have guessed about his relationship with Lexie? And could he be jealous? Dear Lord! Ambrose had sunk to the bed and stared at the corniced ceiling. Daniel had made no secret of the fact that he desired him. More than desired him. Ambrose recalled the words he had never forgotten. What I feel for you is no careless passing fancy. It is deep and strong.

Daniel was jealous. That might explain perhaps his forceful manner just before dinner, when he had insisted that Ambrose eat his luncheons with him at Stanton Hall. He had gripped his shoulder, and for a moment, Ambrose had thought he was going to pull him into an embrace. God help him but he would not have been able to resist him if he had. Fortunately, or not, Daniel had released him and walked away.

Daniel was jealous and hurt.

Ambrose had rubbed a hand to his chest as his emotions veered from guilty delight to troubled distress. The last thing he had wanted was for Daniel, a man he had come to care for greatly, to be upset. If only… No, he would not let his thoughts follow that unfruitful path. The world was what it was. Wishful thinking was not going to change it. He could not see how loving another man could bring anything but pain. Daniel would soon learn this lesson. It was best to repress such impulses and attend to other, more acceptable, forms of behaviour.

Lexie was waiting for him. He had best go to her. Ambrose had slipped out of his room, tiptoeing carefully downstairs. He had been unable though to avoid the odd creak of the floorboards under his feet. He hoped that had not wakened Daniel. Now, with quick, furtive movements, he went out the back door and by the light of the moon, hurried over to Lexie's house. He gently opened the door and walked in. In the dark, he tiptoed across to the stairs, finding his way through touch and familiarity. He silently went up the stairs and glided like a thief to Lexie's room. Without knocking, he opened the door and slipped inside.

"I was beginning to think you would not be coming," came Lexie's soft voice. She was lying in bed, a candle beside her casting a faint light over the room.

Ambrose briskly removed his robe and got under the covers, murmuring, "I had to wait to make sure the viscount had settled to sleep." He reached for her, and she came to him willingly. Her body was bare and warm to the touch. He held her to him, stroking his hands along her silky smooth skin. She sighed in pleasure. He nestled his face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her familiar fragrance and dropping light kisses. His mind, though, was somewhere else entirely. It was thinking of another person's neck, an Adam's apple and the rough feel of a day's stubble on his skin. What would it feel like to bury his nose into that neck?

He had to shake off such thoughts. With a determined effort, he brought his lips to hers, slipping his tongue into her velvety mouth.

What would he taste like?

Ambrose growled in his throat and deepened the kiss, determined to cast all thoughts of Daniel aside. Burying his hands in Lexie's hair, he held her in place as he ravaged her mouth with savage kisses. She moaned and kissed him back ardently.

He turned her over onto her back and straddled her body, his mouth still clamped to hers, plundering it in a show of masculine force. When he released her lips, she whimpered, "Ambrose, I have such need of you."

"And I you," he grunted, letting her feel his long cock which was fully erect. His lips travelled down her body to find one small breast. He took the tip into his mouth and bit gently, the way he knew she liked. Would Daniel like it too? As he sucked and nipped each pebbled tip, he imagined himself at Daniel's breast, worshipping his flat nipples. The thought fired up his arousal even more. He felt his cock throb with need. It had been too long since he had fucked. "Are you ready for me, Lexie?" he rasped, his hand sliding down to test the moistness of her sex.

"So ready," she breathed.

"Turn around," he commanded. "I want you from behind."

Her eyes flared in surprise, but she did as she was bid, lying on her stomach, her knees bent under her. From this position, his cock would go deeper, he knew, and he could also be a little more forceful. He felt a need to exert power, though in his mind, it was not Lexie he wished to dominate but someone else. A someone who by day required his subservience. A someone whose orders he had to follow, whose name on his lips was "my lord". Ambrose may have exhibited an obedient front, dictated by his place in the social order, but he was not obedient by nature. At heart, he was many things he could not show to the world.

But here, in this darkened room, with his best and oldest friend, a woman he loved and trusted, he could let that beast rise out of him. In one deep thrust, he penetrated her. It felt good. Her moan told him she liked it too. "How hard can you take me?" he growled.

"As hard as you wish," she panted.

That was all the permission he needed. He thrust hard and hard again, letting his body wrap around hers, his breath hot on the back of her neck. As his cock plunged into her tight, wet heat, he shut his eyes and pictured himself holding down a tall, male body and thrusting himself deep into him, having him at his mercy, letting him feel his power. "Oh Daniel," he thought. "You know nothing of me, the real me. You charm and cajole, thinking to seduce me, but it is I who will hold you captive. I who will get your submission."

Fired up by the fantasy, Ambrose pumped himself into Lexie, breathing hard with the exertion, already feeling his balls retract and his cock thicken. "You are mine," he raged wildly in his fervent imagining. And with one last thrust, he poured his seed into Daniel's core, his orgasm powerful and long.

It took several breaths to return to sanity. He was not straddling Daniel, but Lexie. Quickly, he pulled out and took his weight off her body, rolling to his side. "Did I hurt you?" he asked contritely.

She touched a hand to his heaving chest. "No, I am well," she whispered. Then, "You are different tonight. What has happened?"

Guilt ate at him. He knew full well what had happened. It was Daniel. He could not shake off thoughts of him, dangerous fantasies of that impossible man. He should have been thinking about Lexie, not him. "Sometimes," he said slowly, revealing something of the truth, "I feel the need to be strong and dominant. Maybe it is me fighting back against the weakness I have felt since being sick, and maybe it is me reacting to the circumstances of my life. By day, I am compelled to be an obedient servant, but with you, tonight, I wanted to be in command. Did you mind?"

She laughed and kissed his cheek. "I liked it." Pulling back the covers, she got out of the bed. "Let me clean up," she murmured.

He watched her wistfully as she wet a cloth and wiped the residue of his seed from her sex. She was beautiful and he loved her. Why could that not be enough?

She came back to the bed and into his waiting embrace. He held her to him, feeling equal parts guilt and affection. Something, perhaps it was a need to confess, made him blurt, "It's him. Him that made me different tonight."

She pulled back to look at him. "Viscount Stanton?"

He nodded.

Looking puzzled, she asked, "How so?"

The urge was strong to tell her about the feelings he kept bottled up. He knew he should not. It would be lunacy to reveal those forbidden thoughts in his mind. It could hurt him and Daniel, Lexie too. Yet, if he could not be truthful with Lexie, his closest female friend, then every part of his life would be a lie. All at once, it became vital to have one place, one person, where he could be his true self.

He braced himself, took a deep breath, then began, "From the moment that I met Daniel, I have been subject to strong feelings. It was the same for him, except that while I kept mine hidden, he did not."

She stared at him, bewildered. "Strong feelings you say. What sort of strong feelings?"

This was it. The moment of truth from which there was no turning back. He held her gaze and uttered the words. "Feelings of desire. Feelings of love."

He watched as the truth sank in. Her eyes welled with tears. "You love him," she trembled. "You love a man."

"Yes," he said simply, his own eyes blurring.

She choked on a sob. "What of me? Do you not love me?"

"Oh Lexie!" He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, his own body now racked with sobs. "Of course I love you. I always will. You are my dearest friend." Perhaps in time, he could come to love her as she loved him, but a part of him knew this was wishful thinking.

They stayed clutched together in an outpouring of mutual grief. For Ambrose, the grief was tinged also with relief and fear. He felt as if a heavy burden had lifted from his shoulder. At the same time, he worried what this would mean for his friendship with Lexie. Would she develop a disgust of him? Would it end what they had together? Tonight had been a departure from his usual cautious self. He had spoken boldly, perhaps rashly. Be that as it may, he could not regret it.

Finally, Lexie pulled away, getting out of the bed to fetch a handkerchief to wipe her face with. She came back with another for him, which he took gratefully and used on his own blotched countenance. She burrowed under the covers to her chin and sighed heavily. Then she spoke two words. "Tell me," she said.

So, he told her. From the beginning, not stinting on any truth, he told her of the feelings he had for men, of how he had tried in vain to keep them in check, especially after what had happened to John. He told her of his relief when they had started their love affair at the knowledge he was normal after all, not a freak. "Of course you are not a freak," she interrupted. He smiled in gratitude, kissed her lips and continued his tale. He made sure to tell her that he loved her—not quite in the same way as he loved and desired Daniel, but love all the same—and how very much she mattered to him. How their monthly trysts had given him comfort, relief and a safe haven of loving warmth. And then he told her about Daniel and everything that had occurred between them until this day.

After he finished his speech, there was a long silence. When finally she spoke, it was to seek reassurance. "When we are together like this, in bed, do you feel any desire for me or has it all been pretence?" She gazed at him with wounded eyes.

In response, he took her hand and placed it on his flaccid penis. "Would I be able to fuck you, Lexie, with a cock as soft as this?" he asked.

"No," she mumbled.

"Then that is your answer, darling. When we make love, my desire for you has my cock swell and harden. None of that is pretence. I love you, my beautiful Lexie, and holding you in my arms is always a pleasure."

She was not fully convinced. "When you are with me, do you pretend in your head that I am someone else?"

He grimaced at this. "Usually, no."

"But tonight—"

"Tonight, yes, he was in my head as I fucked you. Forgive me."

She nodded as if in confirmation of what she already knew. "I thought something was different about you," she said under her breath. She shot him a look and added, "Yet tonight, I felt more pleasure in our union than ever before. When you held and entered me so powerfully, so possessively, it made me feel desired. Now I see how wrong I was." She took a steadying breath, then asked, "What now between us?"

He studied her face apprehensively. "We carry on as before," he said.

Her eyes flew to his in surprise. "How can we, when it is not me you want but him."

"I cannot have him," he said softly.

"And am I to be your consolation prize?"

"Never that!" he snapped, an arrow of pain digging into his heart.

She huffed in frustration. "I do not know what to think anymore. What you described of your feelings for Daniel sound nothing like what you feel for me. Be truthful, Ambrose. If you could have a choice, it would be him."

He turned to lay on his back, staring at the ceiling as if it would provide him with answers. Haltingly, he said, "We do not live in a world where that can ever be. We are both in the same boat, Lexie. You are stuck in a loveless marriage, abandoned by your spouse, and I live in a world where to display my feelings for Daniel would leave me open to ostracism, penury and possible imprisonment. We cannot change these circumstances we are in, but we can make the best of what we have, which is a deep love and friendship. Can you not be happy with that?"

"You propose an affair of convenience then."

"It is more than that, Lexie, and you know it," he told her, a little hurt. But then he reminded himself that it was she who had every right to be hurt, not him. He took her hand and kissed it. "What I propose," he went on, "is for two dear old friends to provide love and comfort to each other as we have always done. Whatever feelings I have for Daniel will remain forever hidden. I can never let him know of my desire. Eventually, he will tire of hitting his head against a brick wall and will seek greener pastures, I guarantee it. And I promise you this, Lexie. You will always be the only woman for me. Between us there will always be truth. And I will make it my priority to focus on you and only you when were are together like this."

She thought about it, her brow furrowed in concentration. Finally, she said, "Will you promise to tell me if ever your feelings change?"

"I have promised you only truth from here on."

She took his hand then and placed it on her heart. "Friends forever?" she asked.

"Friends forever," he confirmed.

She smiled tremulously. "Very well then."

In that moment, he felt a powerful wave of love for her at her acceptance of him. She so easily could have rejected his friendship in revulsion after he had made his confession, but Lexie was a special human being. He had always known it. And now, seeing the uncertainty on her face, he felt a need to reassure.

Using his thumb, he wiped an errant tear that had escaped down her cheek. He put his lips to where that tear had been and tried to kiss it better. Then, he asked softly, "Will you let me make love to you, darling? This time, I promise all my attention will be on you."

"Yes," she breathed.

He brought her into the circle of his arms and kissed her, gently at first, then with increased ardour. This was his Lexie, he told himself, the same person who had offered him comfort and love all these years. He stroked the softness of her skin and breathed in the familiar scent of her. With another hand, he pumped his cock, feeling it swell to a state of arousal. Then, he positioned himself above her, face-to-face this time. With infinite care, he entered Lexie until he was fully seated in her lush heat. There, he stayed, deeply lodged. "Feel me inside you," he murmured.

"I do."

He kissed her lips gently, still buried in her heat. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" he asked her.

"I am not a beauty," she demurred.

"Oh, but you are to me." He pulled back and thrust deeply with the long length of his cock, reaching a spot that made her gasp. "Feel me, darling," he grunted, spearing her once more. "Feel me loving you." He kissed her then as he continued with his slow, deeply penetrating thrusts. For a long time, they continued this dance of love, alternating between looking into the other's eyes and kissing as their two bodies were intimately joined. They took their time, building up a crescendo of pleasure until he knew she was close to achieving her release. "Do it," he encouraged. "Spend your pleasure around me. I want to feel your sex choking my cock."

She looked helplessly into his eyes, unable to withstand the command in his voice. Moments later, he felt the unmistakable tightening of her moist walls around him in a pulsing sensation. "That's it, my lovely," he groaned and let himself go, spilling his seed into her. He held her then, both of them spent, unwilling to break the connection. Eventually he pulled out and went to fetch the cloth, tenderly cleaning away the wetness between her legs. He got into the bed again and gathered her into his arms, weary with relief. He had not lost her. She had not taken a disgust of him after hearing his confession.

He held her close until the sound of her breathing told him she had fallen asleep. He stayed where he was for a long time, gazing at her sleeping face and thinking over what had been said. Had he made the right choice, both to tell her and to continue with their love affair? He could not be sure. He knew he needed her still, but he felt guilt too for not being able to love her as she deserved. As for Daniel, he told himself there was no hope there. As much as he could, he would have to put him out of his mind. At the first light of dawn, he left Lexie with a gentle kiss to her forehead and returned to his own room.