Chapter 4

Fiona

"Did you have a fun night?" I ask Lucas as I tuck him in bed once everyone is gone. "Your magic show was a big hit."

He's staring down at his dinosaur sheets like something is on his mind. I'm terrified to talk about it, so I try to keep him distracted.

"How's your finger doing? Does it still hurt?"

He looks at his bandaid and then looks up at me. "My dad is a hockey player?"

Shit.

A weight settles on my chest as I force out a smile. "Yeah. He is."

"I thought you didn't know where he was."

"It's complicated, Lucas," I say as I take his teddy bear and stroke his soft head. I just want to cry. I just want to do the dishes, have a glass of wine, read something trashy, and go to bed. Instead, my box of secrets has been ripped open and I'm being consumed by dread.

He watches me pet his teddy bear and then looks up at me. "Can I see a video of him?"

"Oh, honey, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Well, then you might want to meet him."

"I do want to meet him."

This is all unraveling so fast. I knew this dreaded day would come, but I didn't expect it so soon. We've been so good, the two of us living in our little bubble. I've been in blissful denial and now it's all blown up in my face.

"I don't know, Lucas…"

"He's my dad. He's going to want to meet me, right? I can show him my magic tricks."

My chest is so tight, I feel like I can't breathe. How can I break my baby's heart by telling him that his father doesn't even know he's alive? It's going to crush his wonderful little spirit if his dad doesn't want anything to do with him.

Why did Kelly have to go and open her big mouth? Why didn't I just keep my damn mouth shut?

"Just one video, Mommy. Please."

That cat's already out of the bag. There's no shoving it back in.

This is a mistake. This is a mistake. This is a mistake.

But my hand reaches for my phone and all I can do is watch as my finger types Harris Sutton into the YouTube app.

I click on a video of his highlights and sink into the bed next to my boy as it starts.

"That's him?"

It's an older video of Harris skating around the ice after a game with his helmet off. His brown hair is longer than when I met him. He looks younger too.

"That's him."

Harris is smiling and waving at the crowd as they chant "Flamethrower" over and over. He looks so happy. That smile makes my heart ache.

"Why do they call him The Flamethrower?" Lucas asks.

Probably because he's scorching hot.

"I don't know," I whisper.

We're both transfixed as we watch the full twelve-minute video of his career highlights. Shot after shot into the net, hard hits, a couple of fights that I fast forward, and my favorite, a few shots of Harris smiling on the bench.

I never realized it before now, but Lucas kind of looks like him. They have the same brown eyes and their lips curl up in the same way when they smile. It's surreal to see.

"He's good," Lucas says when the video ends. "Can we watch another?"

"It's already so late, baby."

"Tomorrow?"

I suck in a tight breath. This is not going to end tonight. Something is going to have to be done and I have no idea what.

"Let's just go to bed," I say as I get up and put his teddy bear back. "Mama is very tired too."

He settles into the sheets with a yawn. I kiss his forehead and smooth his wild hair down. It pops right back up.

"Mommy?" Lucas asks when I turn off the light.

"Yeah, honey?"

"Do you think my dad loves me?"

"Anyone would be crazy not to love you. Now, close your eyes and get some sleep. I love you."

"I love you too."

I close the door, leaving a crack, and then walk into the hallway.

"Oh god," I whisper as I shake out my arms, feeling the nerves coming alive inside me. This is so bad.

I don't know how to navigate any of this. He wants to meet him? Meet Harris?

What am I going to do?

I'm all shaky as I head into the kitchen. I pass right by the colossal pile of dishes from the party and head straight for the wine. I don't go easy on my glass.

How can I tell Harris that he has a son? He's either going to be furious that I kept it from him or totally indifferent. I don't know which one would be worse.

It's going to break Lucas' heart if he's rejected by his father. I don't want to put him through that. It's going to break my heart too.

An old fear comes raging back as I sink into the couch with my wine. What if he takes him away from me?

He could too. Harris is a multi-millionaire who can afford the best lawyers in the country. If he wants to take him from me, he'd be able to. I'm just a single mom who works as a receptionist in a dentist's office. I can't even afford a bargain bin lawyer, let alone a whole team of expert ones.

That was always my parents' fear. They convinced me to keep the baby a secret from Harris. They said he would take custody from me. They said he would drag out a long court battle until I was bankrupt and forced to hand over my child.

I had wanted to tell him, but I was young and scared. I was afraid he would be angry. I was afraid he would try and convince me to have an abortion.

I ignored his calls and his emails, crying as I listened to the desperation in his sad voice on the messages he left.

I decided to have the baby in secret and then I would tell him. If he wanted to be part of our lives then, he could be, and if he didn't, that would be fine too.

But then I had Lucas and I fell in love with his squishy little face. A protective motherly instinct took over. I was terrified of someone trying to take him away, even for a week at a time. I couldn't handle the thought.

I put telling Harris off. Just until I recovered from my delivery, I'd tell myself. Once that happened, it was just until I stopped breastfeeding. And then it was excuse after excuse until I stopped making excuses and just got used to living without him.

I know it was wrong. I know it was unfair to Harris, but… Life is complicated sometimes.

I pull out my phone and look up images of him.

Memories of that magical night come flooding back to me. I had never connected with anyone like I did with Harris.

I was an inexperienced virgin and this handsome, powerful celebrity picked me. Of all the beautiful women there, he picked me.

We talked and laughed the whole night long. It was wonderful. I felt like I had known him my entire life. I had never experienced that before.

I went back to his hotel room and I gave him my virginity. It wasn't a quick impersonal screw either, it was special. It was romantic and perfect and it's still giving me shivers all these years later.

It was my first and only time having sex. I have a one hundred percent success rate when it comes to getting impregnated.

I smile as I spot a gorgeous black and white photo of him accepting a big crystal award. He's wearing a black suit and tie, and he looks magnificent.

There's no mention of a wife and kids on his Wikipedia page. A little sliver of hope makes itself known. I take another sip of wine to try and drown it out.

I have enough to worry about with Lucas, I can't be getting my own hopes up too.

There would be no getting over that.

I'm about to turn off my phone when I spot something.

"What's this?" I whisper as I click on it.

My heart races as I read the page.

Harris will be attending a charity signing in Kansas City next weekend with a bunch of other pro athletes. The athletes charge twenty dollars for an autograph and all the proceeds go to the children's hospital in town.

This has to be fate.

"Stop," I warn myself. "It's just a coincidence."

He must do stuff like this all the time.

I scroll down to where you can purchase tickets.

But… Could it be fate?

I hover my finger over the purchase button and take another big sip of wine.