Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

" T hank you, Margaret." Arabella offered the maid a small smile.

"Of course, Ma'am."

"Do you think I suit this style?" Arabella asked, gesturing to her hair. She and her maid had discussed fixing her hair in this way after Arabella had seen several other ladies wearing the style.

It was not as if Arabella was particularly inclined either way, but she did not want to give Jasper's uncle any other reason to complain that she was unsightly or uncultured.

"Oh, yes, Ma'am. You look beautiful," Margaret assured her sweetly.

"Thank you." Arabella smiled. Then, as the maid started toward the door, she quickly added, "Do you enjoy such tasks?"

Confused, Margaret nodded hesitantly. "Yes, Ma'am. It is my job, after all."

"But you enjoy the work?" Arabella pressed.

When Margaret simply nodded, Arabella was forced to give up the conversation. Looking a little relieved, the young woman bobbed a curtsey and hurried out of the room.

Watching her go, Arabella was forced to admit that she was stalling. But how could she not be a little apprehensive? After what had happened between herself and Jasper, she was delighted at the shift in their relationship. However, a part of her was having trouble believing that it was real. Or, worse, that things would somehow go back to the way they had been before. That Jasper would change his mind about her, or discover that he did in fact feel cold and numb at her touch.

With these worries circling around in her head, Arabella was now almost hesitant to approach him. But she had to. There would only be one way to find out where she stood with her husband.

Making her way downstairs for the morning, Arabella spotted her husband already seated at the dining room table. As she approached, she gave in to the impulse to place a gentle hand on his shoulder.

This, it instantly became clear, was the worst thing she could have done. Jasper flinched beneath her touch, pulling away as if she had stung him. And this reaction nearly broke Arabella's heart in two.

Stepping back, Arabella fought the impulse to run away, mortified and hurt.

Jasper turned to face her and his face warred between concern and a hurt of his own. "I – Arabella, you cannot do that." It was not an angry admonishment, but a simple statement. "It has been years that I have avoided anyone's touch. It is ingrained within my body to pull away from any unexpected contact."

Understanding a little, Arabella hung her head. "I'm sorry. I did not think…"

"No, it is all right." Jasper stood, coming to stand before her but still keeping more distance between them than she might have liked. For a moment, he held out a hand to her. But before she could do anything, it fell helplessly back to his side.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked after a moment.

Jasper considered this. "No. I think it was only taken by surprise."

Nodding, Arabella tried to come to terms with what she was learning. She silently scolded herself for not having thought through her actions. Of course Jasper might react like that to an unexpected touch. Though she might be the one person that did not set off his condition, he had trained himself to avoid everyone's touch for years. It would take some time for him to lower his guard enough to not flinch instinctively at her physical contact.

"Shall we?" he asked after another long moment of silence. Jasper gestured to the table and, unsure of what else to say, Arabella took her seat.

Uncomfortably, they began to eat their breakfast. Arabella could not help but think of that morning, not so long ago, when they had also eaten together in silence. She desperately hoped that things would not go back to the way they had been. Not after all they had shared with one another.

But what if Jasper regretted opening up to her? What if he regretted what he had said to her?

Arabella did not know.

If he was being honest, Jasper was not behaving how he had wanted to. The morning after he had all but confessed his feelings for his wife, he now found himself sitting across from her in an uncomfortable, almost unbearable silence.

But Arabella had taken him by surprise. And he had responded out of habit. He was hesitant, too, to guess at what Arabella was thinking. Did she regret their shared private moment yesterday? Perhaps she had thought over all that he had told her and had decided that she blamed him for his situation. Or that he was perhaps using this condition as an excuse to keep her at bay.

There were a hundred things that Arabella might be thinking right about now. And Jasper feared that none of them were good.

"Do you plan to go riding today?" Jasper asked, hoping to draw his wife into pleasant conversation.

To his dismay, Arabella merely nodded.

"Will you be taking lunch later than usual?" he tried again.

"I do not think so."

"How is your friend, Lady Catherine doing?" Jasper asked, remembering a passing conversation a week or so ago when Arabella had mentioned the woman.

At that, Arabella's head shot up, her eyes narrowing. "Why do you ask? Have you heard anything?"

Taken aback, Jasper shook his head. "No. Why? Is there something I should know?"

Sighing, Arabella seemed to take a moment to think this over. "I – Lady Catherine has been my closest of friends ever since I was little. She has not written to me since our marriage. I have written to her, inquiring after her silence, but have had no reply."

Arabella pressed a hand to her cheek, looking utterly crestfallen. "I worry that I have said or done something unknowingly which has made her angry with me."

Seeing that his wife was genuinely upset, and feeling grateful that she had still been willing to open up to him even after his terrible behavior just now, Jasper carefully considered the best way to reply.

"I do not know your friend. Only what I have heard you say of her. But I do know you. And I doubt that you could have done anything to upset her. Such a kind soul is far too considerate to cause offense unknowingly."

"I upset you just now," Arabella argued, letting out a sad half-laugh. "And I did not mean to do that."

Jasper sighed. "Forgive me, Arabella. I, I just need time. Everything I said yesterday was true."

At this, Arabella seemed to perk up a little. So Jasper continued. "I hope you can be patient with me as I try to figure out this change."

Nodding, Arabella's lips pressed together. She was thinking. "What is the scope of what you can and cannot tolerate of touch? My touch specifically," she added somewhat shyly.

Considering this, Jasper had no choice but to answer honestly. He wished he could give her more. He wished he had answers for her. "I do not know."

With a small sigh, the duchess nodded again. "I understand."

"But I want to understand," Jasper pressed. "I want to hold nothing back from you, Arabella. And I intend to do just that. But you must allow me time to undo the work of so many years."

"Of course."

Though everything was now out in the open, Jasper still did not feel very hopeful. His wife had brought up a good point. He had promised her that, though it hurt him, he could no longer be without her touch. But what exactly would that entail? Jasper had only allowed the touch of others for so long. When the pins and needles of pain grew to be too much, he would end the contact. But if he forced himself to hold Arabella through the pain, what might come, the longer they stayed touching?

Whatever it was, Jasper would bear it. Arabella was worth all that and more.

But he had no answers for her in regard to how they might proceed forward. This was new to him too. And he did not want to do anything that might hurt his wife.

She had become too precious to him now. Far too precious indeed.

Madeline glanced up from the piano, eagerly awaiting her sister's praise. Though Arabella had been lost in thought throughout much of her sister's playing, she smiled.

"That was lovely, Madeline."

"I have been practicing this piece for several weeks," Arabella's sister replied, glowing under her older sister's praise.

"You sounded wonderful," Arabella assured her. Glancing out the window to her right, she once more sank into the thoughts that had been plaguing her ever since she had left the manor.

She was now back in her childhood home, visiting her family. Jasper had been invited but had been unable to join her as he was needed at a business meeting this afternoon with several other Lords in town. Arabella had tried not to wonder if this was merely an excuse for Jasper to put some distance between them.

She was utterly conflicted. His actions and words all told her that he was committed to getting closer to her. But still Arabella could not help but fear that something might go wrong. That there was something else she was missing.

"…but I do not think you would hear."

Blinking, Arabella turned back to her sister, realizing too late that Madeline had been talking. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Madeline laughed softly. "I was offering to play you another piece, but I did not think you would hear it even if I did."

Arabella sighed. "I'm sorry. My thoughts have been miles away today."

Standing, Madeline left her piano and came to sit beside Arabella. Placing a hand over hers, Madeline looked up at her older sister with wide eyes. These two had grown all the closer since their eldest sister had left the house. In Peggy's absence, the youngest Merton sisters had formed a strong, loving bond.

Now, Madeline could see that Arabella was troubled. "What has happened?" Madeline asked.

Where could she begin? Arabella squeezed her sister's hand fondly. "I am dwelling on things for far longer than I should."

"Nonsense."

Arabella blinked, shocked by her sister's reply. But Madeline was genuine. "You of all people are happy to forgive and forget. If something is troubling you enough that you continue to dwell on it, then it must truly be serious."

Amazed, Arabella found herself wondering if Madeline knew far more about Arabella's innermost thoughts than she had realized. What else had her younger sister noticed about Arabella? What other habits and traits had Madeline picked up on?

"Perhaps that is true," Arabella admitted slowly. "But nothing bad has happened. In fact," she added with a wry laugh, "quite the opposite."

"Is this to do with His Grace?"

Again, Madeline was proving far more astute than Arabella had imagined. "Yes."

"I do not understand. Has he hurt you in some way?"

"No, no, far from it." Arabella bit her lip as she tried to find the right words. Then, all of a sudden it hit her. The truth of what was plaguing her. "I think," she said softly, speaking the words aloud as they came to her, "that I am frightened."

"Of His Grace?"

"Of hoping."

Madeline shook her head. "I still do not understand."

"I hardly do myself!" Arabella shook her head. Now that she had realized it, the notion sank down within her, lying like a pit in her stomach. She knew that it was the truth. "I have been given hope for the first time in a long while," she breathed. "And now I am afraid that it will be taken from me. And if that were to happen…then I wish that I had never been allowed to hope in the first place."

Madeline was quiet for a long time, seeming to consider all that her sister had said, taking it very seriously.

"Is this about having a family?"

Arabella gasped, a hand flying to her mouth. "Wha – How?"

"How could I have known?" Madeline smiled and shook her head at Arabella. "I am your sister, silly. You may think that you keep all such ‘mature' notions from me, but I am old enough to understand what is going on. You do not have to try and protect me. I want to be of help to you, Arabella. I wish that you would share your dreams as much as your troubles with me."

Looking at her sister, Arabella realized that Madeline had grown up right under her nose. Gone was the little girl who only thought of music and beautiful gowns. Madeline was a woman now. A woman who knew a lot more about the world than Arabella had expected.

"Does the duke not wish to have children?" Madeline asked.

"I – I am not sure." It was true. Not only did Arabella not know if he was able, they had never discussed whether this was something he wanted.

"But you do." It was not a question.

Arabella nodded.

"And you are afraid that you might be hurt if he refuses to give them to you?"

Again, Arabella nodded.

Madeline considered this, her fingers bouncing on her knees as she thought, making it look as if she were tapping out another melody. Perhaps she was. Perhaps it helped her think.

Then, after a long silence, Madeline nodded. "You must tell him how you feel," she declared. "He cannot know what you want until you tell him."

"He does know."

Madeline's eyes went wide. "He does? Even better, then. He shall have to give them to you then."

"Oh? What makes you so sure?"

"You are Arabella. Who could ever refuse you anything?" Madeline said, grinning up at her sister. "You are the best, most lovely person in this world. Who would not want to make you happy?"

Tears sprang to Arabella's eyes. She pulled her sister into an embrace. She was about to protest when she realized that something in what Madeline had said was true. Had not Jasper told her this morning at breakfast that he wanted to hold nothing back from her? He wanted to make her happy. And he would do all he could to make that happen.

And, if Jasper tried but his condition still got in the way, was that not better than never having tried at all? Was a lifetime of wondering better than a short period of disappointment? She would recover, she realized. But she would only be able to move on if she was certain that her dream would never come true.

"Thank you," she murmured into her sister's hair. "I do not know how I ever got so lucky as to have a sister like you."

Madeline sighed. "Yes, you are lucky. I'm glad you know it."

Laughing, Arabella squeezed Madeline even tighter.