Chapter 19

19

June

I stare out the window of my cramped apartment. The twilight casts long shadows as I gaze absently beyond the glass. The skies above are starless and dark, mirroring the gloom that's taken residence in my chest. I am still reeling from that surreal lunch when my boss announced he's getting married. Judging by the reactions of those around the table, no one else expected it, either.

To say I am heartbroken, not to mention embarrassed, is putting it mildly. My mind keeps going back to those times when he spanked me in the conference room and made me come, then how he made me ride his foot and didn't allow me to come at the royal reception, and how he called me his toy in the elevator and spanked me again. To be at the receiving end of his full focus was exhilarating.

I recall how he took care of me in the restaurant, the softness in his eyes when he apologized to me and asked me to stay for dinner.

I hunch my shoulders. I was sure we were forging a personal connection, but clearly, I was mistaken. He was leading me on all this time, pretending to feel something for me. Despite his insistence that there couldn't be any kind of relationship between us, his actions indicated otherwise. I'm a fool; I should have believed what he said. Come to think of it, he insisted I accompany him to the lunch, and when I refused, he gave me some bullshit about work being discussed and needing me there to record it.

I didn't completely believe him but decided to let it go. Now, there's no denying, this was a setup. He wanted me there, so I'd know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there's no future for us. Regardless of what happened between us, and how I might have thought it could develop into something more, he wanted to drive home that he chose someone else. That there will never be anything between us.

I didn't realize how much I'd hoped there was a chance of a real relationship with him... Not until he unequivocally and publicly rejected me by choosing someone else. I swallow around the thickness in my throat.

I took the job for the money, but I found I wanted to stay there because I wanted to be near him. I agreed to be at his disposal because, yes, he paid me more than enough to cover the hardship, but also because it made me feel good to do things for him. I felt like he was testing me, and I more than delivered.

But now, with him ready to commit to someone else… Does it mean… Was I mistaken? Does this mean he used me as a willing submissive simply because it was convenient for him? He was using me for entertainment, while I... I was falling for him. I kept hoping he felt something for me. And now, he's going to marry someone else.

My chest tightens, and my guts churn. Ugh, why does the thought of him with someone else make me so sick? He's my boss, but he feels like so much more. He made it clear there couldn't be anything between us and yet... I hoped... If I did everything he wanted, he'd notice me. He'd want to have a relationship with me... And now… Everything is different. Now that he's declared his intent to marry someone else… It means, he's out of bounds.

A heavy weight knocks at the backs of my eyes.

After that shit-show of an afternoon, I needed some time away from him. It's why I made an excuse and ran out on that luncheon, and thankfully, he didn't try to stop me. I was so consumed with him and my new job for the last few weeks, I pushed my own priorities to the back burner. Now, I realize how wrong that was. Perhaps, I hoped for something more permanent with my boss, but now I realize how unlikely that was always going to be.

It's time for me to focus on my own life and what's important to me. It's time to dive into the one thing I've been putting off for so long, especially now that I have the money to afford the service.

I pull up the email app on my phone, address it to the person I've been meaning to get in touch with, then begin to type out the mail.

Dear Marina,

Thank you for agreeing to help me track down my birth parents. Attached is the information I've received from the Council, so far. It's not much, but perhaps it will help a little? Do let me know if you're interested in taking on my case.

Many thanks,

June Donnelly

Without giving myself the chance to second guess, I send off the email, then sink back in my seat. Oh my god, I did it.

After all these years of thinking about it, I'm finally tracing my birth family.

My phone vibrates with an incoming text message. It's a message from my boss.

Sir: Book me for dinner tomorrow night at James Hamilton's restaurant. I'll be taking my intended fiancée there to celebrate our upcoming wedding.

The phone slips from my nerveless fingers. What the—? Not only did he announce in front of the entire world that he's going to marry someone else, but now he's asking me to book dinner at the same restaurant he took me to, but for him and his fiancée-to-be ?

No! I won't do it. A crushing weight squeezes my chest, followed by a rage so powerful it makes my lungs burn. This man? He's a sadist, in more than one way. He messaged me deliberately to rub in that he's out of bounds. I have no doubt about that. Argh! How could he be this cruel? How could he be this callous? Why is he doing this? It's almost as if he's trying so hard to make me hate him. And this time, he may have succeeded.

My phone vibrates again. I glance at the screen with trepidation, then heave a sigh of relief to find it's my friend Zoey. I accept her call. "Hey—" I clear my throat. "What's up?"

"Hey, you!" Her cheerful face appears on the screen. "Whatcha doin'?"

I slide my spectacles up my nose. "Uh, not much. It's my first evening off since… Since I started this job, actually." I lean back on the sofa and stretch. I want to tell her I sent off the email to an adoption search specialist and that it's a weight off my shoulders; but I feel too raw to talk about it. As for what my jerkface boss did? Nope, I am not ready to share that yet either.

"Why don't you come out with me and the girls?" she asks.

She's referring to Harper and Grace. We met in high school, and we've been friends ever since. I hung out with the three of them a lot, but Zoey's the person I've kept in touch with the most, although I haven't fully confided in any of them. You grow up the way I did, and you find it tough to trust people. They may not stick around.

"I'm not sure I have the energy to go out," I confess.

She scrutinizes my features. "You do look tired."

"Thanks." I make a face.

"Has he been working you too hard?"

She means Knox-twathole-Davenport, of course.

When I don't answer, she sighs. "Sometimes, I think I shouldn't have mentioned the position he was recruiting for."

I cough. A part of me wants to agree with her. On the other hand… "The money is good," I point out.

"But he's a wanker." Her scowl deepens.

"Normally, he doesn't even notice I'm around, so it's not too bad." Am I defending him? Why am I defending my boss when he doesn't care about me at all? Sure, he's tall and dark and has a jawline that could rival Adonis, and his shoulders are so broad it feels like they could carry the weight of the world, and he's so magnetic, every other man pales in comparison… It doesn't change the fact that he's a tosser.

"You're right," I sigh. "He's a twatopotamus."

She chortles, "That's a lovely insult; mind if I borrow it?"

"Be my guest." I smile back, then turn serious again. "He does pay well for this position, though." And I need that money. It's why, even though he hurt me, I'm not sure I can afford to leave his employment... Can I?

She nods slowly. "Perhaps, once you have enough money saved, you could look for a new job?"

"Perhaps." I keep my voice noncommittal. If I take on payments to the adoption search specialist, I doubt I'll be able to save money anytime soon. And if I were to leave the job... Am I really thinking of doing that?

Something of my doubt must show on my face, for she frowns. "Are you okay, June?"

I blink. I don't want to lie to her. I don't. Zoey's been such a good friend to me. If it weren't for her, I don't know how I'd have made it through the last few years.

When I stay quiet, her frown deepens. "Everything okay with your family?"

"Oh, yes. I moved Irene to a retirement community which is so much more comfortable than the Council housing she was living in. I was also able to pay for Jillian and Ethan's first year at university. They're doing well." All this, thanks to my salary from this job. I'm finally making enough to take care of my family, and I intend to keep doing so.

She must hear my unsaid words, for her features soften. "You worry too much about them, honey." Zoey's expression grows serious. "And you're right to take care of your adoptive family but—" She hesitates. "But and please don't take this the wrong way, you know you don't have to overcompensate for the fact that Irene adopted you, right?"

"What do you mean?" I frown.

She holds up a hand. "All I'm trying to say is, you didn't have it easy. You went through so much at such an early age. Has it occurred to you that you're trying to make up for the fact that Irene gave you a home by going out of your way to pay her back?"

I draw in a sharp breath.

I 've resisted sharing details about my past with my best friend because I never felt ready, but now feels like the right time. "You know how I got bounced around from place to place in foster care, until finally, I was fostered by Irene, who went onto adopt me? By then, I was twelve."

"Which is a few years before I met you." She nods.

"What I didn't tell you is that I hit puberty when I turned eleven. I was an early bloomer." I swallow. "Almost overnight, I developed breasts and hips. Enough to attract the attention of my foster father at the placement I was at. He tried to fondle me. I slapped him. Which resulted in him beating me up. My foster mother walked in and managed to pull him off."

"Oh my god," she gasps.

I look away, then back at her. "The next day, I was transferred to stay with Irene, who went on to adopt me. I didn't make it easy on her, either." I half smile at the recollection. "She put up with my tantrums. She told me I could lash out as much as I wanted but she wasn't giving up on me. She believed in me." I blink away the moisture in my eyes. "If not for her, I wouldn't have found a home or begun to believe in myself again. Irene worked hard to take care of me. After me, she went onto adopt Jillian and Ethan, as well."

Zoey wrinkles her forehead; a considering look on her features. "Did both of them come to stay with Irene as foster kids first?"

I nod. "I know it seems like a lot for a single woman to take on, but Irene was determined. She, herself, grew up in the care system and was adamant that she would do everything possible to break that cycle for as many kids in the system as possible. That she was on her own was never a deterrent."

"She's an inspiration," Zoey says softly.

"Oh, she is. Unfortunately, about the time I turned eighteen and completed my final year of high school, she was in an accident. It resulted in her being laid up in hospital for months. She lost her job and could no longer support us."

"I remember," Zoey says softly. "I'm so sorry, June. I never realized how tough things were for you."

"I should have shared more with you, it's just... I didn't want you to feel sorry for me, you know?"

"I'm your friend, I'd never make you feel bad about the things you went through," Zoey's eyes shine with love .

She really is a good friend. Fighting back emotions, I gulp hard. "After Irene was laid off, I insisted on taking a job to help out."

"I bet she wasn't happy about that," Zoey murmurs.

"No, she wasn't." I half smile in recollection. "She wanted me to go to university, but I told her I'd rather be working and earning, anyway. I wanted to do my bit to take care of us. She recovered, but her health has never been the same."

As always, when I think of that time in our lives, my chest tightens. "She couldn't work the long hours she used to. Initially, I worked retail jobs, then graduated to administrative roles. Irene worked part-time, but it wasn't nearly enough to pay her rent. Luckily, I began to make enough to take care of us. It's thanks to Irene, I carved out a future for myself. It's thanks to her, I developed my identity. It's why I'm determined to take care of her and to give Jillian and Ethan the opportunities I never had."

"She's an amazing woman. An extraordinarily strong woman." Zoey smiles. "So are you."

I ignore her compliment; I don't come close to Irene. "You have no idea what she did for me." I rub the back of my hand across my nose. "It's because Irene fought with my school to ensure the teachers gave me the additional attention I needed to catch up with my grades, that I made it through high school. She was so patient with me. I owe her everything. The least I can do is to make sure she has a comfortable home of her own."

My throat constricts as I try to compose myself. She sees the agitation on my face, and her expression crumples.

"I'm so sorry June. I never meant to belittle everything Irene has done for you."

"I sense a 'but' coming." I sniffle.

"But I love you so much, and I've seen you struggle with your conscience over the years. I've seen you work yourself to the bone to take care of your family, and I'm so proud of you for that. But also, I wish you'd take some time out for yourself, for self-care as well, you know?"

I nod. "You're a good friend, Zoey. You've worried about me over the years, and you've constantly pushed me to take care of myself, and I am grateful for that." I half smile. "And yes, I do realize that, like many adopted children, I carry this guilt around with me. Not to mention abandonment issues. And a part of me always feels like the people who love me most are the ones who will eventually give me up, like my birth mother did." I half laugh. "Can you tell I've been doing a lot of work on myself to figure things out?"

"Oh, sweetheart, I can only imagine what you're going through. You are a tough, strong girl. You're the one who rescued me from the mean girls in high school. Hell, you got into a cat fight with them?—"

"I was suspended for a week." I chuckle in recollection. I knew I'd get into trouble but that hadn't stopped me from springing to my friend's defense. "And when I told Irene why, she said I'd done the right thing."

"She did?" Zoey blinks. "You never told me that."

"My ma was, and is, seriously, the best mother." And Irene is my ma, in every way, even if I do feel this need to search for my birth mother, to answer questions about my past. "She gave me enough space to work things out, while also drawing boundaries, know what I mean?"

Zoey nods. "It's why I understand why you're doing so much for your family. All I'm asking… No, begging you, is to also take the time to enjoy life." She has such a pleading look on her face that I have to nod.

"You're right again. I admit, I can sometimes be very serious."

"Sometimes?" She scoffs.

"Okay, many times." I chuckle. "It's why I like to hang with you. You're my conscience when it comes to letting my hair down."

"Good." She nods. "Get dressed and meet me at the 7A Club in an hour."