Chapter Seventy-Seven

Chapter Seventy-Seven

Misha

I could see something was different about Giana when she and Armando walked into the office while the doctor was talking to Sephie. Giana had a look of contempt on her face watching Sephie talk that she'd never had before. I didn't like it. I could feel myself starting to get angry as I watched her watching Sephie talk to the doctor about brawn.

When the doctor asked Sephie how she had experience with the original formula of brawn, her entire demeanor changed. It was obvious. She immediately looked at the floor and her shoulders slumped. Adrik didn't even need to see her to know it happened. He just turned his chair toward her and extended his hand toward her. She got up, her eyes still on the floor, and moved to his lap. Before she sat down, she just said, "My uncle."

This week has been rough on her. We've all seen it. She's looking like she looked after she and I were attacked, just without the concussion. How she looked after the ball, just without the hole in her hip. She was struggling. Adrik and Ivan seemed to know how to help her best, which was good, but Andrei was right. It was frustrating for the rest of us. We wanted to help her too, we just didn't know how. It was even making Stephen angry and that guy rarely gets angry.

I noticed Giana's eyes went wide when Sephie mentioned her uncle. Armando looked at her, a stern look on his face, almost like he was silently saying "I told you so." I waited for her to look at me. I knew she would. She was practically incapable of not staring at me at some point anytime she was around me. I'd caught her staring so many times it should've been embarrassing for her, but she kept doing it. Even after she got with Armando. It was so comical that I'd discussed adding it to the white board bet pools. How many times I could catch her staring in one day.

When she did finally look at me, I made it obvious that I'd seen her look of disgust and I gave her my own look of disgust in return. It did not matter to me if she was with Armando or not, she was going to find out that when it came to Sephie, all bets were off. She quickly looked to the floor, but I kept watching her until the doctor got up to leave.

Once the doctor was out of the office, Adrik moved Sephie to one of the couches, but I kept my eyes on Giana. She was arguing with Armando, but they were speaking Italian and talking quietly. I'm assuming, so Sephie couldn't hear what was being said. Giana got up quickly and rushed out of the office. We all looked to Armando. Clearly something had just happened. He looked frustrated, and maybe a little angry, but he made an excuse about her not feeling well.

That's bullshit. If she didn't feel well, he would've gone with her.

In the way that only Ivan can, he called her out. "Embarrassment will do that."

Everyone was waiting for him to expand on that when Viktor walked back into the office. Ivan smirked, enjoying the moment, then said, "Giana left here last night convinced Sephie knew about withdrawals because she was a user. She found out today that wasn't the case and now she's embarrassed about it, but she's not mature enough to own up to her mistake yet, so she ran instead."

Nailed it. I knew Ivan was wise before the attempted kidnapping of Sephie, but somehow that experience made him infinitely more so. Or he's finally just letting us all see it. Ivan has always been insanely private, but it's clear that he's opened up to Sephie. They share similar trauma. It can be comforting to find someone who can relate, even if it's just a little bit, to what you've been through. I know Ivan has been through serious trauma. He talks in his sleep when he's troubled, just like Sephie does. He has horrible past experiences with a doctor, just like she does. I don't know the details, but I know I likely don't want to know the details. It's hard enough knowing what happened to Sephie.

Armando looked to Ivan, surprised. "You've been hanging around Sephie, haven't you? How did you know that?"

Sephie smiled her smile that could light up the room at Ivan. "Ivan has a very special set of skills," she said.

Armando nodded his head in agreement. He looked thoughtful for a moment, then looked at Sephie and said, "Sephie, I want to apologize on behalf of Giana. We argued for several hours last night. She was convinced that you'd been on drugs because you have so much knowledge about them."

I felt my anger rise to the surface. This bitch. How could anyone think that about Sephie? She doesn't even drink alcohol! And what does it matter if she was on drugs at one point? She's clearly not anymore, so who the fuck cares? Doesn't she know that people can change and improve their lives?

Before I really thought about it, I said, "And if she was? What then? Does that mean Giana gets a license to be a bitch to her? It changes nothing about who Sephie is today if she was or wasn't." I was angry, but I shouldn't have said that to Armando.

Surprisingly, he agreed with me, telling me he'd said the same thing to her the night before. He also said he wasn't sure where any of it was coming from in respect to Giana. I saw Sephie and Ivan having a silent conversation. I think he was checking to see if she was okay. She's had to deal with so much, this week especially. We were all worried that her nightmares were going to come back. Sephie nodded once to Ivan, letting him know she could handle it. He looked at Armando, his face serious. "I do. She's still so insecure with herself that this is her way to tear Sephie down to make herself feel better. You need to be careful with her, Mando. She'll eventually do the same to you, if you don't stop it. She wouldn't have lasted five minutes in Sephie's life over the last few years. She doesn't know what happened, but on some level, she knows Sephie is stronger than she could ever be and instead of letting it inspire her to be better herself, she lets it make her more insecure about herself. She'll drag you down to her level if you don't demand she rise to yours or get lost."

Armando looked somewhat surprised at Ivan's words, asking how he and Sephie got to be so wise. When you're forced to live a life full of hardship, you learn more lessons about life in general. This was true of both Sephie and Ivan. Sephie, in her own always sarcastic way, told Armando as much.

I've always been the youngest of the group, until Sephie came into our lives. I was excited at first because I finally felt like I wasn't the baby. Then I realized that she might be younger than me in years, but she's much older than I am in terms of experience. Sure, I've got experiences that she doesn't have, but that woman has been through more in her young life than I'll likely experience in the rest of mine. I find myself looking up to her. Just like Ivan pointed out, Sephie inspires me to be better. All of us to be better. I don't know how she's done it, but she's brought the best out of all of us. Even Stephen. None of us knew that guy was carrying around his secret for that long. We were becoming used to the idea that he may or may not be a serial killer and we were all strangely fine with that fact. Turns out he was just uncomfortable to tell us that he was gay. But because of Sephie, he's come out to us and now he's coming out of his shell around us. That guy is fucking hilarious and none of us knew it because he was afraid to be himself around us. Sephie showed him how much better life can be when you just decide to always be yourself. I constantly question whether that would've ever happened if Sephie hadn't come into our lives. I question whether a lot of things would have happened if she hadn't come into our lives.

And now this insecure bitch is trying to tear Sephie down because she's too scared to put in the work to make herself better. I didn't realize I said it out loud, but I cursed in Russian, my anger taking over for a moment.

Armando laughed, telling me he wasn't sure what I'd said, but he'd likely said the same thing last night. I couldn't help but feel some relief that Armando was also angry and frustrated with this situation. If he was blindly siding with Giana over this, we would have bigger issues.

"With all due respect, Mando, you need to handle this before we do," Stephen said. I could hear the anger in his voice as well. Somehow his anger justified mine. I knew if he was mad, it was a big deal. Sephie looked at Stephen, as well as the rest of us. I think she was just as surprised as the rest of us to hear the anger in his voice. He waited until Armando looked away, then he grinned at Sephie.

She was thoughtful for a moment. I watched her pull Adrik's arms tighter around her. Just like she was an anchor for all of us, he was that for her. She got stronger when she was with him, just as he got stronger when he was with her. They complimented each other in a way that I'd never seen before. She sighed and said, "She's probably grown up privileged and somewhat sheltered. Now that she's been thrown into the real world, she has no real coping mechanisms. She can only come from her place of understanding, which is made from her life experiences."

While she wasn't wrong, I did notice that Sephie tended to give people the benefit of the doubt a little too much. Sometimes a bitch is just a bitch. While she was hardly ever wrong about people, I found myself angry at her lack of anger at Giana. I knew she would get there eventually, if things didn't change. I'd seen what she said to Max and I knew how long it took her to get to that point. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if it took her that long to get to that point with Giana, if this situation wasn't resolved quickly.

After Armando confirmed that Giana was, in fact, a spoiled rich kid, Sephie said, "When you live a life of extreme comfort, your understanding of good and bad gets skewed. When there really isn't any bad, the good replaces the bad. People need both. There can be no good when there is no bad. Her bad consists of slightly less good, so the really good doesn't feel right. Her soul knows that, which is why she's wanting for something more. But she's looking in the wrong places for that something. It has to come from within her. She's the only one that can decide to be happy. Nobody else will ever be able to make her happy if she can't make herself happy. That's what you need to try to get her to see, Mando. She's choosing to be miserable and insecure. No one else is making her feel that way. No one is going to be able to make her stop feeling that way. It's all on her,"

I smiled, knowing that Sephie was exactly right, and that had Giana heard what Sephie just said, she likely would've been crushed until she could come to terms with it. Armando asked Sephie a question in Italian, which annoyed me. I enjoyed being the one that could keep everyone else in the dark when we spoke Russian in front of others. Sephie tried to laugh, but I saw the pain flash on her face quickly as she answered him.

My mind was wandering while Armando was still talking. Sephie had said that she wanted to go to the house a few days ago and we hadn't been able to go yet. Maybe I should bring it up again, after Armando left. I didn't know what it was about being able to go to the lake that helped her recharge herself, but it was obvious every time it happened. I could literally watch the stress melt off her as we sat and talked by the lake.

My gut instinct was getting stronger, the more I used it. Before, I would just get a feeling when something wasn't going to go right. I would feel nauseous or feel like there was impending doom coming to indicate that an outcome was going to be negative. But now, I was starting to get indicators on good outcomes as well. Completely different indicators, thankfully, so I could tell the difference. As I thought about going to the house for a few days, I got goosebumps down my arms and across my upper body. It had only happened once or twice before, but I knew this was my gut instinct telling me we needed to go to the house. I would wait until Armando left and then suggest it.

I found myself looking forward to a long run with Sephie, too. She used to almost kill me when we went for a run at the house, but I'd been running with her long enough now that I could almost keep up with her at the house. I still gave out well before she did, but I was getting better. It had been a while since we'd been able to run anywhere. I knew if I missed it, she was definitely missing it.

Armando talked for a while longer, telling us that he was purposely leaving Giana alone for as long as possible. He made plans to go to his house for the weekend, which made me happy to know I wouldn't have to see her for a few days. He finally stood to leave. I couldn't help but feel relieved. I liked Armando, but I wanted him gone right now. I was having trouble getting my anger under control.

Once he was out of the office, I looked to Adrik and said frankly, "We should go to the house." I might've said it a little too frankly, as both he and Sephie looked at me, clearly surprised. Sephie, however, grinned at me almost immediately. She turned to look at Adrik, a question on her face. He looked at her for a moment, like he was lost in thought. I'd never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at her. A small smile crept over his face. He looked back to me, silently asking again for confirmation. I nodded my head. He looked down at his watch, then back to Sephie.

"We should order food before we leave, so it's waiting on us when we get there. I'm hungry," he said. Sephie had leaned her head back on his shoulder, so she could see his face. The smile that stretched across her face was enough to make all of us immediately feel better. Suddenly my anger was dissipating and I was now excited to go for a long run with her tomorrow.

"Gazelle, do you want to go for a run in the morning?" I asked. I had switched from struggling to contain my anger to now struggling to contain my excitement.

"Don't ask stupid questions, my adorable Russian guardian," she said as she looked at me seriously. For a moment, I thought she didn't want to and that I had offended her. She saw the look of surprise on my face and died laughing. "Misha, I'm sorry. You're too easy sometimes. Of course, I want to go for a run and, of course, I love you for suggesting we go to the house. You're my favorite. Don't tell the others." She winked at me, her wide smile still making the room brighter. The guys were all laughing at me and I couldn't help but laugh with them. I think we all needed a break.

"Can we take the long route today?" I asked Sephie as we were stretching for our run the following morning.

She looked at me, a serious look on her face. "Misha, is something wrong? You're volunteering to torture yourself now? Is there something I need to know?"

I chuckled, then shrugged my shoulders. "It's been a while since we've been able to go for a run. I didn't realize how much I've grown to enjoy it."

She slid her arm around my waist. I was so much taller than she was that her head fit right in my armpit. I would usually try to get her to sniff my armpit whenever I could to annoy her, but this time I surprised her by wrapping my arms around her and picking her up. It always made her laugh and I really needed to hear her laugh right now.

When I set her down, she was still laughing. "We can go for as long of a run as you like, my adorable Russian guardian. But we should maybe tell someone that you're going to need two lunches instead of one."

"Maybe three," I said, contemplating how far it was around the entire lake.

We didn't usually talk when we ran until the end when we were walking back to the house to catch our breath. It was actually one of the things I liked about running with Sephie. By myself, I would always listen to music because I didn't like the quiet. But with her, it was completely different. We were quiet, but it wasn't the same quiet. It wasn't a lonely quiet. I found myself thinking through lots of things when I would run with her where I couldn't when I ran by myself. It didn't make sense, really, but I felt like she was a calming force anytime she was around.

I managed to keep up with her the entire time, which was a huge confidence boost for me. I had struggled to make it the entire way the last time we took the long route, but this time felt easier. Maybe it was because I was missing it more.

As we neared our stopping point for the walk back to the house, Sephie looked at me, grinning. Her smile was infectious.

"Misha, I'm so happy that you suggested we come to the house. And I'm even happier you wanted to take the long route this morning. I didn't realize how much I needed this," she said as she turned toward me with her arms open for a hug. Seeing the smile on her face made me so happy. I bent down and picked her up into a bear hug, making her laugh again.

"It makes me happy to see you happy, gazelle. This week has been rough for you. I'm really glad I could give you at least a little bright spot," I said, spinning her around. I loved hearing her laugh.

As I set her down, she said, "It's been a rough week for everyone, not just me. I clearly saw the pain on your face after I fell asleep in the office and started talking in my sleep. Misha, I never meant to put that on you, or any of the other guys." Her smile faded and she looked at me seriously as we walked back to the house.

I was trying to find the right words to say to her. I knew she didn't like to open up. I understood. Her story was not a happy one. "Sephie…" I started to speak, but she cut her eyes over to me.

"Uh oh, it's serious. You used my name instead of calling me gazelle," she said smiling.

I cleared my throat, looking at her as seriously as I could manage, which arguably wasn't that serious. "Sephie," I said, trying not to smile. I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her. I wanted to get this out before we got back to the house. I wanted to capitalize on my alone time with her. She looked at me, surprised, but she stopped and turned to face me. I continued, "Sephie, I look up to you. Maybe more than I've ever looked up to anyone in my life. You might be younger than me, but you're leaps and bounds more mature than I am. Even before I knew anything about your past, I thought you were amazing. You're smart, you keep us all laughing, you catch on to things so quickly, and you bring the brightest light into my life. Now that I know what you've been through and that you're still, well, you, it makes me want to work harder to be worthy of your friendship. To be even half the person you are. I look at you and Boss and I've never seen anything like what you two have, but I know I want my own version of it. You do so much for all of us. I just want to be able to give back and be able to be the same for you that you are for me."

I could see the tears welling up in her eyes as I talked. I felt my own tears threatening to fall, but I needed to say this. I needed her to know how much she meant to not just me, but to all of us. Guaranteed, every single one of the guys had thought about having this conversation with her, if they hadn't had it already. Now that I'd started to tell her what I'd been thinking about, I wasn't sure I could stop it. "It's hard for us to hear about what happened to you in your past, not because we can't handle it, per se. Although I must admit that I've wondered if I could've survived everything you have and still been able to see the humor in the world. I can't imagine what it was like to go through everything you've been through, but it hurts knowing you had to endure it. Simply because you mean so much to me, to all of us, and we want nothing but the best for you, always. Hearing that you've had to go through what you have is frustrating, like Andrei said, but only because we know there's nothing we can do to take that pain away from you. What I can do, however, is always be here when you need someone to talk to. Or not talk to. Or to take the long route with. Whatever you need, Sephie. Whenever you need it. I'll be here. So will the other guys. I love you and want to always see you happy, if only because of the joy you bring to my life when you are happy. I know the other guys feel the same way, if they haven't already told you."

She had a few tears falling down her face as she listened to me. For once, she looked like she didn't know what to say. She just smiled and wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on my chest. She took a deep breath, but didn't let go, so I kept my arms around her. "Misha, you only ever have to worry about being you. Each of you has a special role to play in my life, just as I have a special role to play in yours. You bring your own uniqueness to my life and I couldn't imagine my life without that now. It seems silly to say. I haven't even known you for a year yet, but I can't imagine my life without you and the other guys in it. You guys always say I've brought so much to your lives, but I can say the same for you. You've all brought so much to my life. I can't even begin to tell you what it means to me to always feel safe with all of you. That right there is worth more than anything to me. But you're so much more than that. You love the fuckery as much as I do and quite frankly that's my favorite thing about you. Your intuition is quickly becoming unparalleled too. I saw your faraway look right before you ordered Adrik to come to the house," she said as she looked up at me, grinning. "It's starting to work on positive outcomes too, isn't it?"

I just shook my head. "Of course you would notice." I grinned down at her. She kept one arm around my waist and I kept one arm around her shoulders as we started walking toward the house again. "It hasn't happened as much, but I get different feelings when it's a positive outcome. It's helpful, really. It makes it clear, so I can tell the difference."

"So, negative outcomes are still like a feeling of dread or nausea?" she asked. I nodded my head. "What are positive outcomes then?"

"So far, it's been goosebumps over my arms and upper body," I said.

She stopped. She looked lost in thought for a moment before she looked up at me. "That's a powerful sign, Misha. My mom used to tell me that was the way to know a universal truth. Did you get goosebumps when you thought about us coming to the house yesterday?"

"Yep."

"Were you just thinking about coming to the house or was there something more specific?"

I thought for a moment. "I was thinking about how you've been looking like you did after the attack on us, just without the concussion. And then how you looked after the ball, just without the hole in your hip. I thought about how coming here and being able to go to the lake always seems to recharge you somehow. Then I thought I should suggest we come to the house and that's when it happened."

She giggled. "That's why you were so frank about coming here. You never give orders, but you sure as shit gave Adrik an order."

I felt my cheeks blush. "I honestly didn't mean for it to come out like that," I said, somewhat sheepishly.

She laughed again. "Don't worry, my adorable Russian guardian, he thought it was funny. He appreciated your frankness because he knew it was ultimately for my benefit." We walked a few more steps, then she stopped again. "I want you to pinky swear that you will always be that frank when you get that reaction," she said, holding her pinky up to me.

"What does that mean?" I asked, completely confused.

"Jesus, what do you people do in Russia as children? Not pinky swear, I know that." She sighed. "Okay, so the pinky swear is the holiest of holy swears. Like so holy that legend has it Jesus only used it once, then promptly had his pinkies removed so he could never use it again. It's that serious," she said. She was trying not to laugh at her own explanation, but she ended up giggling through most of it.

"Okay, so how do I do the holiest of holy swears?" I asked, clearly amused at her. This felt like a secret that only she and I had, even though I'd heard her and Adrik talking about it before. That was one of the things we all loved about Sephie. She had little things that she did with all of us that clearly meant something to her, not even caring a little bit that it was silly and childish.

She lifted her hand, with her pinky out. "Give me your pinky," she said. I held my hand in front of me, matching hers. She grabbed my pinky with hers and said, "You pinky swear you will always be frank when you get the goosebumps reaction." She looked at me like she was waiting for me to say it too, so I repeated it back to her. She grinned at me, completely satisfied in our holiest of holy swears.

Strangely enough, I felt compelled to always honor it. It might've been silly and childish, but when it comes to Sephie, all bets are off.