42. Chapter 42

"Jag ?lskar dig ," I say and hope I'm pronouncing it right.

Von growls and says, "I love you too." He hauls me up over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and strides out of the workshop, crosses the driveway, and enters the farmhouse.

"I'm going to learn more Swedish," I proclaim. Looking around the room from my upside-down vantage point, the living room is furnished in a farmhouse style, with décor best left in the '70s. "I like what you've done with the place." I motion to the hand-knit afghan covering the couch and the avocado-gold curtains.

"The place hasn't changed since my grandparents died, and redecorating isn't my priority. Do you want to fuck me again or give fashion advice?" Von removes my boots.

"It's a tough call." I pinch his ass. "My gay sensibilities are offended by your lack of interior design knowledge, which is not the same as fashion."

Von pulls out an old blanket and dumps me on the couch. "This is one of the times that I'm sick of hearing your voice. You're going to choke on my cock for being an arsle."

"Promises, promises," I sing, my heart so full I'm a walking heart emoji. But Von's serious expression sobers me. "What?"

"Alec, promise me you won't sell your land."

"We don't have to decide anything now." I won't make a promise that I'm not a hundred percent sure I can keep.

"I love this farm. It's an oasis and helps me put my life in perspective. This was my grandparents' life, but it's an escape for me. I will hire someone to help Hans, so this farm can still help families in need. You showed me how I can use my fame and money for the betterment of others. You've pushed me to expect more from myself. This farm can be a great thing for this community, but I will not be here working on it." Von sighs.

"So you don't want to live here?" My voice hitches at the end.

"I want to be in New York with you to build a life together. You are the one thing in my life that I can't live without. You're the biggest part of my dream. And that scares the skit out of me." He straddles me.

"Well, we can be scared shitless together." His ass fills my hands as I squeeze.

His lips are warm against mine, comforting. "So there is no need for you to give up your dream of building a queer youth center. If you do, I will never forgive you."

"I can't have that now, can I?" A shiver wracks me.

"Oh, ?lskling, we need to get you in the shower and warmed up. Such a hard task that I must remove all your clothes." Von's face splits into a wide grin, stealing all the air in the room. I could live in Von's smile.

He's such a caveman as he carries me into the bathroom.

He's unfastening my pants and getting a peek at my new tattoo. I'm confused when he angrily yanks my pants. His eyes bore into mine with a possessive accusation. It's explosive and a huge turn-on, but I wish I knew what the hell is pissing him off.

"You let another man touch you," he spits out.

My stomach clenches, but my hands smooth over his shoulders. Then I slowly lift my shirt over my head and draw my pants down over my hips so he can fully see it.

"What did you do?" he whispers.

"I hope you know. Otherwise, I've fucked it up." I laugh, fighting the urge to cover myself, twisting so he can see my ass. Von steps back to get a better view.

"Do you know what it means?" he asks, and I shrug. He put it on the sculpture version of his body, so it belongs on mine too. "It's the Nordic symbol for male love." His eyes shimmer with a blue flame.

I put my tat in the same place as his Evighet sculpture. It's similar to a tic-tac-toe board but slanted to the right with a thicker line running vertically through it.

On one hip, I have Von in runes. Next to that, above my pubic bone, is ‘Viking' in modern calligraphy, and on the other side is the symbol for eternal love. Von's fingers trace my nickname for him across my skin. Then his finger runs over the X of the eternal love tattoo, moving over the smaller diamond shapes on each side. He completes the circuit of lines on each quadrant.

"Say something." I can barely breathe.

"What if I didn't forgive you?" His eyes are frenzied. "You left this part of your skin blank and then filled it with me."

Cole called my virgin flesh skin boxers. Before Von, it felt too intimate to have tats there.

"Then I'll have a memorial tattoo of my first love and heartbreak. Everyone will know I'm yours and I figure in Sweden, Von's are a dime a dozen." I can't pull off nonchalance as I nervously laugh. No one is going to see these tattoos but him.

"I love it." His voice clogs with emotion. "I can't believe you did this for me. That you'd risk inking your skin when you weren't sure." He can't take his eyes off it.

"It wasn't a risk because I love you and that won't change. My body is the story of my life in ink. You're my first love. It's essential you're on my body, even if we end. You're part of me. Even if you break my heart." My body unclenches from the fear that he thinks I'm crazy or, worse, hates it.

Words alone can't erase my heartbreak, but Alec's actions are going a long way to knit my heart back together. I'm in awe of the things he's done to show me his love.

I start the shower and step into the tub backward, staring at his tattoos as Alec follows me in, spearing his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp and relaxing me with the repetitive motion.

"You never came into the farmhouse before today." It's not a question, it's true.

"You didn't want me in here and I wasn't going to cross that line. I respect your boundaries." He shrugs and my heart stumbles with his pain.

A comfortable silence fills the room while we soap each other up, until Alec asks, "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"

Pressing my lips to his temple, I put my thoughts in order. "You weren't the only one imagining a future for us. I visualized your elaborate apologies with heartfelt declarations of love. I pictured your apology using every romantic thing I could think of, but they were cliché or fake."

Alec's hand fists my hair.

"Only you could ask me to break your heart and I'd think it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard." My mouth is next to his ear.

"It was real—all you—and exactly what I needed to believe you meant it. If you'd made some speech about love and forgiveness, I wouldn't have believed you were sincere. And the absurdity of your words makes me love you more," I say while his searing touch pulls me by the hair into a slow kiss.

I break it, knowing if the kiss keeps going, round two will prevent us from talking. "I can't go back to the US until they approve my visa."

"I'm seriously staying until my tourist visa expires," Alec promises.

I can speak three languages fluently with a basic understanding of three more and none of them have enough words to express how grateful I am that Alec is sacrificing his dreams to be here with me. I press my forehead to his. "Thank you."

Alec's mouth drops open. "For what?"

"For coming to Sweden, for not leaving when I told you to go, for being willing to stay here, even though I know it's hard for you to be away." I take a breath and rewind to what he said earlier. "And what do you mean, you signed a partnership contract with Cole?"

"You are more important than the shop. I'm sorry I said I couldn't come to Sweden because of work. I was angry and scared and a dick."

I love it, but he didn't answer my question. "Are you part owner now?" Alec says yes and I have to ask, "What happens after you go home?" This conversation might be the most important of my life.

"I love you and choose to build a life with you. I'm not sure how everything works with visas and green cards or how that impacts how much we can see each other. Being away from home for three months is ages. So I understand now how you felt we had years, and so much time to be together before we had to figure out being apart." His hands caress my back.

"I hate the thought of not being with you. We can FaceTime the fuck out of each other and meet in other countries." Alec grinds on me. "It might be a waste to go to a scenic location and never leave the hotel room."

"Will that be enough for you?" I will do everything humanly possible to be with Alec. Thinking he was crushed under the tractor helped me let go of the fear that he might cut me out of his life. He means every word he says, but long distance is hard. Our minds might need to work out the details on how we can move forward together, but our bodies demand an immediate reconciliation. I'm hopeful we can navigate the literal ocean between us.

"I never want to hurt you again, but the learning curve on love is steep and I'm not that great at it. This is my first time."

His words liquify me, but his actions speak louder. He was willing to sacrifice his dream of building a queer youth center for my farm. He pretended to leave so his motives are pure.

"Hj?rtansk?r," I begin, but explain, "it means heart's love. You are my heart and I love you. If I could take your pain for myself, I would. You deserve so much better than your past. If I could take revenge on the people who have made you feel unloved, I would."

I kiss his forehead. "Your heart is extraordinary and if I can forgive you for temporarily giving up on us, you should too. You said you don't have anything to offer me, but I disagree. You have given me things no one else has." Alec frowns and I smooth out his eyebrows until he softens.

Then I continue washing him inside and out. He returns the favor, so we'll be ready when the shower ends.

"It's true. I've never once thought you were after fame or fortune. You were interested in me, in your over-the-top, American in-your-face-flirting way before you knew my background."

"It's because you're hot." Alec's dimples enthrall me.

"Be serious." I swat him and shut off the water. "You are kind and actively improving your community. I'm happy being in a room with you. No one has believed in me the way you do. It's astonishing that you have zero expectations of my career choice." I climb out of the tub after him.

"You're on a skit farm to help make it profitable. Even Hans thinks I'm crazy for doing this. You see me as a whole person and not just my career. You are willing to help my dreams come true without telling me what they should be." I hand him a towel that is as old as he is and use another one to dry his hair.

"I love you exactly the way you are." His arms squeeze me tight and my heart is ready to explode.

"And I love you the same, which is how I can forgive you. You are the sum of your experiences and if I changed them, it would change who you are. You don't think you could give me a second chance if I betrayed you, but you're wrong—you did." I wrap my arms around him.

"I'm so sorry you felt betrayed that I didn't explain my visa status. Knowing what I know now, I would have talked to you before I was forced to leave." I thread our fingers together, lead him to the bedroom, and lie on top of him.

"I assumed you knew people can't decide on a whim to live in the US. There are strict rules and regulations. I will explain it and the process I'm going through to go back. I don't expect this to be easy, but make me a promise." We have to put our hearts on the line over and over for this to work long term.

"Can you promise to tell me your fears before you end things between us?" I ask. It's easier to say than do it, but intent matters.

My head is resting on Alec's racing heart with his chin tucked, so we maintain eye contact.

"Viking, I can't promise not to fuck up, but I can absolutely promise to fight for us and never leave or let you leave without exhausting conversations. You're probably going to get sick of my voice."

"Never," I say, and his eyebrows narrow. "Okay, that's a lie. I did promise to shut you up with my dick." I chuckle at the smug curve of his lips.