40. Chapter 40

Von drives us toward the barn on the ATV. It isn't lost on me that he doesn't take me to the house. I have to live with the fact that he might never trust me enough to let me in his life again.

It's raining so hard that it washes all the mud off of us. A real rain shower.

He drives the ATV up the ramp through the double doors into the sturdy wood structure between the large beams that stretch out hundreds of feet and two stories high. It accommodates farm equipment, vehicles, and tools.

It's been heaven holding onto him, and I don't let go, but he rips himself out of my grip to get off the vehicle. I follow him and we sit a few feet apart on a workbench in the tool room of the barn.

He's silent but motions for me to explain myself. It's hard to know where to start, but I'm going to try to make sense of the jumble in my head for him.

"Let me start with the short answer of why I'm still here. I love you." The words are a relief to say out loud, but Von is not impressed. "I understand if your feelings have changed, but I still need you to know I love you."

Von nods, and I force myself to keep going, hoping he isn't back to his aloof disdain.

"Being on the farm and working has given me a ton of time to think. I learned a lot about myself and it's not all good. The truth is that I don't fully understand love yet. I've never been in love before. You're the first." I inhale and force myself to stay calm.

"I've never been unconditionally loved, so I couldn't see love from someone else's perspective. Specifically, from your perspective. I only understood my feelings for you and what a life together looked like for me. But if I truly love you, I have to consider how you feel and what you think our life could be together." I'm surprised how even my voice is since my heart is beating triple time. I refrain from crawling into his lap and begging him to forgive me.

A noncommittal hum escapes Von's lips.

"It sounds insane when I say it out loud, but I didn't understand I had the power to hurt you because I could only see your power to hurt me. Seeing your reaction to Evighet being for sale shocked me. It was my first glimpse into the destruction I caused in our relationship. Honestly, I convinced myself that I was helping you succeed by letting the art world see the beauty you're capable of creating." I'm ashamed of my idiocy.

Von rakes a hand through his wet hair and yanks it out when it gets tangled.

"I lied to myself, and in the process, I hurt the person I love most. Words aren't enough to say sorry. I have to prove to you that I love you enough to give you what you want, even if it's not me. If you want to be a farmer, I have seventy-nine more days and a plan to make that happen. If you want to be an artist, I've been trying to repair your studio."

Von's head swivels toward the garage trying to see the progress I've made through the walls. His ice-blue eyes return to me. "Go on." He's emotionless.

"I've always taken care of my friends. A part of me thought that if I didn't have something to give them, they wouldn't want me around. It's a product of being a throwaway kid. When my parents disowned me and actively dislike me, it's hard to trust that other people like me for me. It's been a revelation how much my friends care and what they're willing to do to help me." I watch Von's forehead vein grow but continue.

"Cole gave me space to figure myself out while Shane gave me life-changing advice. Madyson isn't going to rent your space out to anyone else for a year. I didn't even have to ask for their help. They were there for me. Cole told me not to come back until I'm ready or Sweden throws me out and made me sign a partnership agreement for Unframed Art."

Von's hand twitches as if he wants to reach for me, but he doesn't. I keep quiet for a minute in case he wants to talk. His forehead vein is pulsing and I wish I could smooth it out for him.

"You have no idea how overwhelming it is to realize that my friends love me. And I don't have to be anything other than myself. My insecurities told me that I have nothing to offer you, so you couldn't possibly love me. I believed that to be true, and it took being out here in the middle of nowhere to have the epiphany that my insecurities lied. Too little too late for us." I swallow hard as Von's hands flex, almost forming fists, but not quite. I can't tell if he's angry or upset. His face gives nothing away. But I can't give up yet.

"I only saw our relationship from my side, I had very unrealistic expectations coming here, thinking I could apologize and you'd forgive me. I pictured a movie version where you'd see me, open your arms, and I'd run and jump into them. We'd kiss, and I'd say I'm sorry, and you'd say you forgive me, and we'd live happily ever after in my version of our life in New York. Again, I failed to consider what kind of life you want."

Von's head jerks. I would give anything for him to say something, but when he doesn't, I continue.

If this is the end, I'm going to tell him everything and leave without regret, knowing that I gave him my whole heart without reservation or conditions.

"Shane said something I can't get out of my head." I hope it sounds as profound to him as it did to me.

"None of us get out of life alive and if we don't get our heart broken, it means we never loved anyone." I remind myself to breathe.

"That has sort of consumed my thoughts. I'm already heartbroken without you, so it can't be worse to be heartbroken with you. If I try and we don't work out, it's not going to hurt more. In fact, trying to love you will make it hurt less.

"I had tunnel vision on heartbreak, thinking it could only occur when you left me or cheated on me. But there are a million ways to break someone's heart: if I deny my feelings for you, or refuse to try in our relationship, or auction off your symbol of love for me."

Von's jaw tightens and his forehead vein is ready to explode it's so big. But he remains mute, and in the oppressive silence, I push on, hoping he'll eventually have something to say.

"If you'd done those things to me, the damage would be irrevocable. Mortal wounds that wouldn't heal. I don't have the right to ask for your forgiveness. So I decided to help you have a better life. Hans said it's hard to hire workers who won't sell your story to tabloids. I pretended to leave the country so that you'll never have to wonder if I'm here for my fifteen minutes of fame."

That noncommittal hum is back and I press on, handing him my heart, hoping he doesn't discard it.

"None of us can choose how and when we get our hearts broken, but we can choose who we give the chance to break it. And I choose you, Viking. I don't know if you'll break my heart now, in five years, or in fifty years, but I want every single minute you'll allow me in your life. Loving you has changed me for the better. And being loved by you is a gift and a privilege. I need you to break my heart.

"I need it because I realized the alternative is for me to break your heart. Again. And I can't bear the thought of that. I can't live in a world where I've broken your heart and not done everything in my power to unbreak it. My heart belongs to you.

"I love you."

Von leans in slowly, so we're closer than we were before. His eyes, a storming ocean of emotion I can't name. I tamp down the urge to beg, allowing him the opportunity to respond. We will only work if he can still love me after what I've done. Not because I begged.

His fingers graze my cheek before his palm cups my jaw. My desperation to read his thoughts is blocking me from being able to do it.

His voice is a low murmur of Swedish and I only catch a few words, heart, eternity, and mine. But his tone is sorrowful. I memorize the touch of his hands on my face and the smell of him, in case this is the last time I'm near him.

Von doesn't stop talking and it might be the most he's ever said to me.

And I don't know what's happening.

Is he forgiving me or telling me it's over?

With fierce eyes, a soft touch, and a pained voice, it's impossible to tell.

It's agony not knowing, but I'll endure it to the end of time if it means I'll never have to let him go.

I'm too afraid of what happens after he stops talking.

I lied, saying I'm not asking for his forgiveness. I'm asking with every cell in my heart and soul. My body is begging him to hold me again. I truly don't know how I'll leave the barn if we don't have a chance.

A chance I don't deserve because it's one I didn't give him. It's selfish and egotistical to want him to give me a chance that I denied him.

Von pulls me into a hug, and I melt into him, wishing I could meld my body to his. Inexplicably, I fantasize magical welding tools soldering an unbreakable bond between us.

He's completely enveloped me, using his entire body with his strong arms, broad shoulders, large hands, and legs bracketing mine on either side of the bench. Every part of him is touching me. I refuse to ask if this is goodbye. I won't end this before he does.

Our embrace goes on and on, and hope takes flight in my heart. Should I welcome the hope or annihilate it? Nothing has felt right since Von left and this hug is everything.

Too soon, Von lets me go with his hands on my shoulders. The storm in his eyes is unreadable. As he leans back into an upright position, his hands drag down my shoulders until his fingertips skim my chest.

Von stands, walking backward, not breaking eye contact. When he's on the other side of the tool room, he opens his arms to the side of his body resembling a cross.

My heart leaps, but I have to be sure.

"Well," he says with his lips turning up, "what are you waiting for?"

I don't think—I soar. He braces and catches me in his arms with ease, and I wrap my legs around his waist. I'm laughing and crying and trying to hold onto my hope. We're kissing, our lips wet with my tears. No, his tears. Our tears.

"Is this real?" I whisper.

"Tell me why Shane Reynolds is calling to discuss international transfers and contracts?" He holds me tight but puts space between us so he can look me in the eye.

I wince. "He shouldn't have called you. It's a surprise."

"It is too complicated for a surprise."

"I've been talking to Hans about all the improvements you want to make to the farm and how much everything will cost." Von clucks his tongue and I continue. "If you want this farm to be successful. I found a buyer for my land and when it sells, I'll help you fund all the projects for the farm."

"Alec, that land is your dream for a queer youth center. You cannot give it up."

"But your dream means more." I will give him every last cent I have to make his dreams come true.

"Don't do that, min k?rlek. You don't need to buy my love."

"That's not...is that what I'm doing?" My heart flips over as I realize I might be doing that.

Von kisses me. "I will not take it. I don't need your money. Hans is lucky he's old and invaluable, or I would fire him for putting those thoughts in your head. This farm is not my dream. It's a project to give back to the community while I hide away from the world."

"What is your dream?" I ask and stop myself from telling him I'll do anything to help him catch it.

"You don't know?"

I shake my head.

"Oh, min k?rlek, I will tell you everything, but for now, kiss me."

Our kiss is a messy mash of lips and tongues and teeth. I inhale his scent, fresh air, rain, and distinctly Von. My mind is so thankful to have him again, but the rest of me is greedy—not able to get enough. I've missed his smell, his smile, his grumpy demeanor, and his body. My hands pull his hair loose and I sift my fingers through it, groaning.

His large palms have worked their way under my clothes, and he moans, touching my bare skin. "Talk or fuck," he pants.

"The adult thing to say is that we should talk, but I can't concentrate. So I vote for naked."

"Thank fuck." Von swears in English, and we're grinding against each other while I'm wrapped around him.