35. Chapter 35

Iforce myself to turn away from the hope in Von's eyes. I didn't realize how hard it would be to stand by my decision.

"What the hell are you doing?" Em asks behind me.

I'm just trying to survive. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing, but for me, it has to be this way. Long-distance relationships don't last. I'm not good at regular relationships, so I can't drag it out and lead him on.

I deluded myself into thinking I could be different with him. That we could be different and my expectations wouldn't prove to be worthless.

The thought of Von moving on and finding another man––or a woman––heaves my stomach and I choke back bile. It will get worse pretending nothing is wrong with the distance between us. I'll be suspicious and resentful, questioning his ability to be faithful. It will never work.

It's better this way. The lie strangles me.

"Open it." Em gestures, but I breeze by the crate. "He said it's yours."

"Nothing he can give me will change the fact that he's gone." I force my voice to sound casual. I know Von made something for me.

If I open it, my heart won't survive.

"Then I'm opening it." Em steps toward the crate and I lunge for him. He easily slides out of my grip. "Why do you care? You let the best thing that ever happened to you get on a fucking plane." He sounds just as heartbroken as me.

"I didn't let him get on a plane. He had to leave and there's nothing I can do." I'm terrified to see what's in the crate. I can't face the end of what we had together.

"You of all people should know not to throw away someone who loves you. That man looks at you like you're the fucking sun in the sky," Emmett yells, far too upset.

The door dings and Mads and Jayce step into the shop.

"If this is an intervention, don't bother," I growl.

"I thought you had the day off." Mads blushes. "We came to see Emmett." Her eyes stay on Em.

Em is breathing heavily through his nose and the energy between the three of them confirms his reaction isn't about me or Von. "Fuck it." He turns on his heel and strides out the door.

Mads and Jayce exchange worried glances, torn between going after Em and staying with me.

"Go." I wave my hand and take a wide berth around the crate on the floor to sit behind the counter.

Mads bites her lip and sighs. "Did you talk to Von before he left?"

"Nope." I don't need any of her judgment or motherly concern to fix my life.

"Are you okay?" she asks, and that hits my heart like a sledgehammer.

I don't trust my voice, so I randomly click the mouse and feign working on the computer.

"I'll give you guys some privacy." Jayce kisses Mads and leaves. He obviously wants to go after Em.

Mads circles the counter and wraps her arms around me. "I'm so sorry. I feel responsible. I swear I filled out the paperwork correctly. I don't know why he had to leave. It's not fair."

"But he wasn't staying long term. We were always doomed."

"Three years is a long time," she whispers.

I shrug.

"Three years ago, my life was going in a totally different direction. It's been hell, you know it has, but in the long run, it's going to be better." Her head rests on my shoulder and it's so familiar, comforting.

"How can you believe that?"

"I'm choosing it. We weren't in the right relationship, and the ending was atrocious, but we're not letting it stop us from finding the right person."

"It might not be Em," I point out the obvious.

She sighs. "I interfered in your life when I should've kept my mouth shut, and I'm sorry. I only wanted to protect you."

"Did you know how it would end? He'll eventually figure out that I'm not worth loving." My voice cracks.

"Alec, no." When she pulls back from our hug, she has tears in her eyes. "You deserve an epic love. The first time I saw you two together, I sensed both love and heartbreak and I wanted to save you the pain. But I'm learning that I can't fix everything. He loves you. That I'm sure of."

I huff, too scared believe her.

"I've been hypocritical. I was so angry with you because you didn't tell me about Von, but I've kept Emmett to myself. I guess I'm not ready to tell you and make it real. I'm in this fantasy bubble where everything is good, but if I put it in words, I have to deal with the reality of unanswered questions and feelings. Does that make sense?

"I know you think I hurt Em and I did. But I didn't do it on purpose and we're trying to figure things out." She turns her head so her hazel eyes blink at me, begging for our friendship back.

"You won't tell me I'm throwing love away and the best thing that ever happened to me?" I squeeze her waist.

She shuts her eyes and a tear leaks out. "Emmett said that." It's not a question, she knows, confirming there is more going on with them and it ain't great.

"What would you do if you found out Jayce kept something important from you? Something that could change your relationship?"

I'm happy Mads isn't trying to meddle or judge me, but I need some validation that I'm not the bad guy in this scenario.

"Jayce wouldn't do that." She's a hundred percent confident in her answer.

"But what if he did? Would you pretend it was okay or call bullshit?" She opens her mouth, but I cut her off. "You would call bullshit. I know it and you know it. The difference is that you and Jayce have history and time to work it out. Von and I don't have that. I feel betrayed he didn't tell me how long he's staying." I pop an antacid. "He might not have done it to hurt me, but that doesn't make it hurt less."

"I'm not arguing with you." Mads hugs me tighter. "When someone hurts you, it's hard to understand their intention. I hurt Emmett without knowing it, and Von unintentionally hurt you. Pain doesn't care if the person meant to hurt you or not. Please try to forgive us."

"I looked it up. Von can't come back to the US for a year. A year." My voice breaks on the last word and Mads tries to talk again, but I hold my hand up. "So yes, I could go visit him and we could meet in Toronto, but do you honestly think a couple of weeks a year will be enough?" The antacids aren't helping my stomach at all.

"He's going back to a life where he's famous and can date whoever he wants. I'm not worth the hassle." Only a few people in my life have been constant and none have been a romantic partner. Sometimes I wonder if Mads is still friends with me out of a misplaced sense of gratitude.

"Alec Ivy, cut the shit." Mads grabs me into a tight hug as tears streak down her face. "You are worth everything."

All evidence points to the contrary.

"Hey, will you take that crate with you? I'm sure it's art." It will weigh on me if it sits here staring at me.

"I'll make you a promise. You open it and if you don't want it, I'll take it to my gallery."

I glare at her.

"I'm not telling you what to do, but you won't be able to resist. And if I take it away, you'll stew until you find out what's in it. I'm cutting out the stewing and pacing and rationalizing. Think of it as a shortcut." She looks at me from under wet lashes. "I know you as well as you know me."

"Fine." The top isn't nailed shut so I take it out of the Styrofoam. It's heavy and smooth. I get a grip on it, haul it out and set it on the reinforced portion of the counter.

My breath freezes in my lungs. It's black metal: two men embracing while lying with their arms and legs entwined. Their hidden faces don't have any distinguishing characteristics. My hand touches all the curves and angles.

It's beautiful. Von's heart screams at me from these men. The tattoos have color adding to the visual interest for a stranger. I recognize my wolf and his tattoos, but he's changed the placement. My eyes memorize the new shape on his skin. Did someone else ink him? My stomach falls out of my ass.

"Alec," Mads whispers and her reverence says it all—she's sobbing now.

As I pull my hand back, my thumb brushes over the bottom where it's indented with an inscription. It's not visible unless you're looking for it. Beneath Von and me there's an inscription, Evighet. I google the word…it means eternity.

"Take it," I plead. The roar in my head is threatening to overtake me. I have the sensation of falling through the floor all the way into hell.

The hypocrisy of his art kills me.

I'm dead.

"But—"

"You promised. You said if I didn't want it, you'd take it to your gallery." My heartbeat has taken over my entire body. It fills the space where my stomach used to be and every pulse travels through my body.

Mads's hands cover her mouth as if she might be sick. Jayce reenters the shop but doesn't ask any questions, folds her into his strong embrace, his front to her back, and kisses the top of her head.

She nods and waves her hand at the sculpture, but I know she'd rather fight me.

"It's the best thing he's ever done," I say, and my words get stronger. "The world should know how talented he is. This could make him famous." It's not even a lie. I've spent years in museums and teaching myself about art. This is phenomenal. "Put it in his show. It'll sell for a fortune."

I didn't know I'd fallen in love until he said he was leaving. First love's torturous.

Jayce picks it up and lowers it into the crate. I can breathe again.

"That's not a good idea."

"He said it was mine and everyone should know how incredible he is." The pain will be worth it if he succeeds.

It will be my gift to him. I can't keep it. I can't look at the reminder of what could've been if circumstances were different.

That statue belongs in the dream where Von sleeps in my bed and eats breakfast at my kitchen island and we fuck on the couch and in the shower. We tell each other everything and have a lifetime ahead of us. He finds kinky masterpiece theater in Brooklyn and helps me make decisions on a queer youth center. I knew all of it was impossible, but I let myself believe.

He nags me about my clothes on the floor, and I insult his coffee that takes a year and a half to brew. And he makes fun of me when I get my first gray hair, and I tell him he's too old to rock a man bun.

That's where the sculpture belongs, sitting in the middle of that.

It doesn't belong in my empty apartment when he's living halfway around the world.

Instead, it can bring him fame and fortune. It's my way of wishing him the best.

I love him too much to touch it again.