17. Chapter 17

My mind freezes at Alec's comment. I don't know if he is flirting, teasing, or something else. I need to say something. Anything. J?vlar!

I incorrectly assumed Alec was similar to everyone else in my past. My lowest moment was when Lars texted, asking me to thank Alec for Page Seven's apology. They buried it where no one would read it, but I am sure Alec made it happen. I am shocked he can forgive me when I don't deserve it.

I've never been more wrong or so rude to a person in my life. Selfishly, I pressed him to share details of his past without disclosing mine. I assumed he'd be furious with me for seemingly holding hands with Lars because I've had many fights with past jealous partners. And those partners sold stories about me.

"Well, it's getting late. I should go," Alec announces into the silence.

"Where are you going?" I find my voice and cringe. "You do not have to tell me. It is not for me to know." I shake my head, but it doesn't help my situation.

After a pause, Alec says, "I'm volunteering."

The silence is deafening. I am the worst conversationalist in the history of talking. Even if my life depended on it, I cannot find a way to tell Alec how sorry I am. He's so confident and can talk to anyone. I'm the opposite.

Alec leads me outside without another word. He should not have to fill my silence. I am not used to explaining myself. My family never discusses emotions. Swedes in general mind our own business, but I take it to another level.

What I can do instead of talk is show Alec how sorry I am. I have an idea to prove myself to him.

So later that night, I find myself packing paper bags full of a water bottle, toothbrush, travel toothpaste, a sandwich, and a business card for the shelter run by The Q Solutions. I hope I see Alec instead of telling him what I'm doing like a self-serving arsle.

Because right now I am a self-serving arsle.

It's fulfilling helping The Q Solutions. They seek out the homeless and queer youth. It's a remarkable undertaking. For the delivery, they pair counselors with volunteers who have self-defense training and de-escalation techniques for protection. It's a good system.

We finish and I wander out of the storage/assembly area, hoping to find Alec but run into Joanne, the director.

I wave and she gestures for me to join her group.

"Von, it's good to see you. Thanks for volunteering. We're always happy to have more help. Did you get a tour?" she asks and then introduces me to the counselors.

"No." And because I can't help myself, I ask, "Have you seen Alec?" I've had too much time to obsess over our conversation.

"He's teaching an art class. I'll give you a quick tour so you can catch up with him when his class ends." Joanne motions for me to follow her.

She shows me the common areas and hangout spaces for the kids and the counseling rooms. There's a gorgeous mural that has to be Cole's artwork. As we walk around, Joanne tells me about their plans for expansion and how they plan to use the money Alec raised at the auction.

"I've never seen someplace that tries to address all the issues that queer youth face. It's impressive." I'm awestruck by the level of coordination and planning The Q Solutions needs to run smoothly.

Joanne sighs. "We do as much as we can, but the needs are so high it's never enough. Thank you. Sometimes it's nice to have a fresh perspective."

"Do you operate in rural areas?"

"No, this is an urban program. Why do you ask?"

"Alec said he wishes he had someplace like this growing up. He seems interested in making that happen." As soon as I've said it, I regret it. I have no business sharing Alec's confidence with Joanne. They might be friends, but I'm not in a position to divulge his past or future goals.

"We have a sister program for rural areas. These programs can use all the help they can get. Let me get some information for Alec." Before I can stop her and try to downplay my words, Joanne speed walks down the hall. Skit!

While my brain overthinks my idiocy, I hear chairs scraping against the floor and voices getting loud. Alec's voice rises above everyone's and calls out instructions.

A parade of kids surges out of the classroom across the hall. Alec trades insults with some of the teens as they leave with wide grins. He has clearly made their night.

"Hey." Alec tilts his chin at me, giving no indication he's surprised to see me.

"Hey," I repeat back and an awkward silence falls between us. Alec's expression is open, but he's tapping his foot.

Alec had a point when he told his coworker that I do not speak English. Why is finding the right thing to say so hard? Monkeys can learn sign language, surely, I can think of something to say.

"I helped put together the emergency kits for the homeless," I finally say.

"Glad you could help out. They do great work here," he says with sincerity.

The silence is so oppressive, I can hear the roar of my blood pumping through my body, presumably to keep me alive, but it might drown me.

"Do you want something else, Von?"

To take you home with me.

To kiss you again.

To show you with my body how very sorry I am.

To tell you I was a colossal j?vlar. For you to look at me and see me.

For you to flirt with me and mean it.

To make good on my promise to show you how good a man can make you feel.

The ways to answer Alec's question filter through my mind, but my mouth says, "Thank you for bringing the great work they do here to my attention."

Alec's jaw tightens, but before he can say anything, Joanne calls out.

"Oh good, Alec, you're still here." Joanne hands him a card and a pamphlet. "Here's the contact information for our sister program, The Alliance Center, that works in rural areas. The name is more discreet, but most queer kids recognize alliance as friendly."

Alec takes the information with a perplexed expression and says, "Thank you," as a question.

"Of course. The decision is yours." She pats his shoulder as she walks away.

"That was weird." Alex's perfect eyebrows arch up.

My face must give away my guilt because Alec asks, "Von, are you going to explain?"

"I overstepped. I'm sorry." Relief courses through me because he doesn't seem upset. "I was so impressed, I asked Joanne if they have these programs in rural areas because you might be interested in that. I should not have said anything." Feeling lightheaded from talking without breathing, I gulp in air.

Alec stares at me in silence.

"I'm sorry," I say again lamely.

"You keep repeating yourself." Alec tilts his head to the side. "That was thoughtful, Viking." He taps my arm with the pamphlet as he strolls past me toward the exit.

I stand there like an idiot.

"It's late. Go home, Viking," Alec calls without turning around.

He's not mad, and he called me Viking. Although this isn't how I hoped the night would end, it's a start. That thought confuses me––the start of what?

I wonder if doing good things for selfish reasons negates the good deed. If longing for Alec's sunshine and company means I'm self-serving and incapable of doing philanthropic acts.

But I'm really wondering when I'll see Alec again and if I'm stalking him.