Chapter 8

(Then)

Jude and I enter the viewing gallery overlooking the operating room. The angle gives me a clear view of the procedure, of the doctors leaning over the woman I love. My palms turn clammy. I want to pace but force myself still, watching intently.

Everything seems to be going alright when suddenly things begin to change. The heart rate monitor flatlines, and panic seizes my chest. I rush to the glass and knock sharply. "Save her!" My shout comes out hoarse. Don't take her from me. We need more time. I slide to the floor as grief threatens to crush me. Jude crouches next to me, saying something I can't hear over the ringing in my ears.

I've lost her. The reality of it hits me like a physical blow.

She's gone.

She's gone.

My wife is gone.

We just married and now . . . now my future has been ripped away. Our plans for a family, growing old together, gone.

Numbness spreads through me. I let Jude pull me to my feet and guide me out of the viewing gallery. His hand is firm on my arm. I'm barely aware of my surroundings, my thoughts consumed by shock and grief.

Ameline died.

The woman I love more than anything in the world just . . . left me.

We'd dreamed of the life we would have together after her surgery—marriage, children, growing old side by side. Now, all of that is lost.

Our future is destroyed, cruelly snatched away.

I feel hollow, as if my insides have been gouged out. I want to scream and rage. To somehow turn back time.

Mostly, I just want her back.

Jude says something, but his voice sounds muffled, as if I were underwater. I shake my head helplessly. Words fail me. We turn a corner, and the double doors to the operating room come into view up ahead. I plant my feet, forcing Jude to stop. He turns, questions in his eyes.

"I can't leave her," I rasp out.

Jude squeezes my shoulder. "I know, man. But there's nothing we can do, you have to let her go."

Let her go. As if it's that easy. As if my whole world hasn't just imploded.

Jude tugs gently on my arm, urging me forward. After a long moment, I allow him to lead me down the hall. Each step away from her feels like walking on broken glass.

I've lost the love of my life.

* * *

Jude guidesme down the hospital corridor, each fluorescent light we pass under feels like a spotlight shining on my grief. I want to curl into a ball and disappear.

"Come on, man," Jude says softly. "Let's get you home."

Home. The word used to mean mornings with Ame, bodies intertwined under soft sheets. It meant the smell of her perfume on my pillowcases and the sound of her singing while we cooked dinner together. Now it will mean nothing but empty rooms and hollow silence.

"I loved her, Jude," I whisper, closing my eyes trying to summon her, bring her back.

He grips my shoulder. "I know you did, man. I know."

I open my eyes and meet his gaze. At that moment, the crushing weight of it all finally hits me. She's gone. And she's never coming back.

I replay Ameline's terrifying code blue over and over. The shrill alarms blared as doctors rushed in. Her body arched off the bed as they shocked her heart back into rhythm. I've never felt more helpless than in that moment when Jude dragged me from the room.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I ask Jude.

"We're heading to the nurse's station to ask about the next steps. I'll take care of everything," Jude promises.

As we approach the nurse's station, I sense the shift in Jude's demeanor. His usual calm composure is replaced by an urgency. He leans forward on the counter. "We'd like to know what will happen to Ameline Decker. How do we claim her body?" he demands.

The nurse narrows her gaze. "And you are?"

"I'm Gabriel Decker, her husband," Jude states.

The nurse turns her focus at her computer screen, typing in a few keys before responding. "Ameline Decker is still in surgery," she states, and how I wish she was right about it.

Jude's brows knit together. "But we saw her coding."

The nurse shakes her head. I stand there, feeling a strange mix of hope and despair. "Not sure what you're trying to say, but Ameline Decker is still in surgery. Head to the waiting room and the doctor will come out when it's over."

"Are you sure?" I finally find my words. "We were in the viewing gallery. Her heart . . ."

"Who gave you clearance to be there?" the nurse demands angrily, offering no further explanation. She gestures sharply toward the waiting area. "The doctor will speak with you when there's an update. Now please wait over there."

"There's hope." Jude squeezes my shoulder comfortingly. "Let's go take a seat. She's going to pull through this."

Now, all I can do is wait. And pray that Ame comes back to me.

Leslie's death gutted me. Losing Ameline would destroy me. She's my second chance, my redemption. My future.

Jude grips my shoulder, anchoring me. "Hey, she'll make it out."

Time drags on, each minute stretching into eternity, until finally the doctor approaches us with news. "She made it through. She's in recovery now." The words hit me like a wave upon the shore, leaving me breathless from the overwhelming emotions.

My knees go weak, drowning with relief. Jude bear hugs me. She's alive. For now, that's enough.

Later, a nurse leads us to Ameline's room in the ICU. The steady beep of the heart monitor and whoosh of the ventilator greet me. She looks small and fragile in the hospital bed, surrounded by tubes and wires.

I ache to gather her in my arms, but I don't dare disturb her. Instead, I sink into the chair at her bedside and gently clasp her hand in mine, kissing her knuckles, whispering how much I love her.

"When will she wake up?" I ask the nurse, my voice barely above a whisper.

The nurse checks Ameline's chart. "It's hard to say right now. Her body went through major trauma with the surgery. She needs time to rest and recover."

I swallow hard and nod. Everything is fine with the world as long as she's alive and with me.