Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

" W hat did you do?"

Andrew blinked as a strong hand grasped his arm and flung him around, his feet unsteady. "Glenfield, whatever is the meaning of this?"

"I have just had to lead Miss Hawick into my carriage so that she might return home, seeing her broken-hearted and sorrowful," his friend hissed, his eyes narrowing. "I know that you are responsible. Whatever did you do to her?"

Andrew's heart tore and he pulled the mask from his face so he might see his friend clearly.

"That is what I have been trying to discover. I did not think that Charlotte would leave, however." He swallowed tightly, gesturing to Lady Faustine. "Evidently, Lady Faustine thought to inform Charlotte that I am just as much a rogue as I have ever been, and that she has no hope of ever having me fully devoted to her."

"But that is quite true!" Lady Faustine exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "I do not understand what the trouble is! I have done just as I thought was best, seeing that you were pushing me away, declaring that such a thing could never be again… well, I recognized that it came from a strange thought that you had to be loyal to this young lady! Now, you are free."

"I do not wish to be free!" Andrew answered, speaking to her with as much force as he dared. "Miss Faustine, do you not understand? I have no interest in furthering my connection with you, whether I am courting Miss Hawick or not. I have no interest in pursuing anything any longer, aside from her!"

"Miss Hawick clearly did not understand that," Lord Glenfield muttered, darkly. "Why did you not say such things to her?"

Andrew spread out his hands.

"I had no opportunity." He made to step away from them both, the urge to go after her burning through him. "But I must speak to her, I must make her understand–"

"I informed her that we shared a kiss."

Ice formed over Andrew's heart as he turned back slowly towards Lady Faustine, seeing how her eyes gleamed behind her mask.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I told her that we shared a kiss," the lady repeated, shifting her stance slightly so that she stood tall. "That is true, is it not? I wanted her to understand that any hope she had of having your full attention was not to be continued."

Fear loomed, its shadow falling over Andrew entirely.

"We did not share a kiss," he said, as quietly but as firmly as he could. "Lord Glenfield, you recall that I told you about this?"

Much to his relief, his friend nodded.

"I do," came the answer. "I recall that you told me how much you disliked Lady Faustine's nearness to you, that you stepped away when she attempted to kiss you."

"Precisely." Andrew looked back at Lady Faustine, angry with her for what she had done in pushing Miss Hawick away, but all the more furious with himself. Had he not run from Miss Hawick the previous day, had he had the strength of heart and mind to go to her, to confess all that he felt – albeit some confusion with it – then she might never have listened to Lady Faustine. "You tried to kiss me, Lady Faustine, and I pushed you back, I tore myself from you with a fervor that I have never before experienced. I told you, in no uncertain terms, that the thought of ever being in your company again in that way practically repulsed me – and yet, you took that as a promise from me that I would return to you, should my courtship come to an end?"

Lady Faustine blinked.

"A kiss from my lips repulsed you?"

Andrew did not hold himself back; he did not choose kinder words for the lady's sake. Instead, he spoke fervently, wanting to make it perfectly clear to her all that he was saying.

"I do not want to be a rogue any longer. All that you have said to Miss Hawick is patently false. I have been lost in confusion, I will admit, wondering why I begin to desire her company more than any other, why my heart quails at the thought of being apart from her – only for me to realize that the reason is Miss Hawick herself! She is the one who has changed my heart in a way that no one else has ever been able to."

"Then…" Lady Faustine took a step back from him, her expression still half hidden by her mask. "Do you mean to say that you intend to be as devoted to her as she desires you to be?"

It was as though a great and heavy cloud lifted from him. The confusion, the regret, the doubt and the struggle all faded away to give him perfect clarity.

He lifted his chin and set his shoulders.

"Yes," he said, as Lady Faustine gasped in shock. "You may think of me as a scoundrel and a rogue, but I am neither any longer. From this day forward, I declare that I shall never again return to such a way of life. Instead, my only thought shall be for Miss Hawick."

Lady Faustine blinked furiously, but she turned and hurried away before anything more could be said. Andrew let out a breath, his shoulders dropping as something like relief washed through him, making him realize just how much stress he had been carrying.

"You are a little late with your declaration, my friend."

Turning to look at Lord Glenfield, Andrew shook his head to himself.

"Yes, I can see that. How foolish I have been!" A heaviness settled on his shoulders, taking away some of the relief he had felt. "You told me the truth of my heart clearly and still, I pushed it away, and swam in the sea of confusion."

"But you have come to see it for yourself now, have you not? That is all that matters."

"What shall I do now?" Panic began to fill Andrew's heart. "If she is gone, if she means all that she says, then I am to be separated from her! Our courtship will be at an end and–"

"Her father is here, is he not?"

Andrew blinked, a little confused.

"Make it clear to him your intentions. That way, even if he returns home and hears the lady state that the courtship has come to an end, he will be able to make your intentions clear to her," Lord Glenfield suggested. "Yes, that might bring some confusion, but it will give you time to speak with her, to make your heart known to her."

Understanding and seeing the wisdom in that suggestion, Andrew nodded slowly.

"Then you think that I should not go to speak with her tonight?"

Lord Glenfield winced.

"Do you truly believe that would be wise? Given your reputation – which I know you now shun – can you really think it a good idea to go to Lord Morton's townhouse and speak with her, alone?"

Andrew's shoulders dropped.

"No, I do not think it would be."

"Then you should not."

Closing his eyes, Andrew scrubbed one hand over his face, his mask dangling from his other hand.

"What if she will not speak with me?" he asked, the fear of that beginning to rush through his veins, quickening his heart. "What if she believes all that Lady Faustine said to her and will not even tolerate the sight of me?"

Much to his surprise, Lord Glenfield grinned, his smile big and bright. "There is one way that you might pursue."

"Then tell me!" Andrew exclaimed at once. "What is it that you are thinking of?"

"Your poetry."

It was as though the air had been pulled from him as Andrew's delight began to shrink, shaking his head fervently. "No, I cannot do such a thing as that."

"You must. You know very well that she has been most impressed by the most recent of your work. Why do you not write to her that way? Confess all that you need to and this time, put your name to it. Let her see that you have been the writer all along and that it is because of her that the poems have altered so significantly."

Andrew's heart turned over on itself.

"You recognized that?"

His friend chuckled.

"Of course I did take note of the changes – and I recognized that it is because of her! You have begun to feel things that you have never experienced before, finding a depth in your connection, an intimacy there that, mayhap, you were always looking for but never realized." His smile softened. "The reason I can speak so is because that is what I feel with respect to Miss Lillian."

"I was not aware of it until now, the depths of my feelings." Hearing himself, Andrew scowled. "What I mean to say is that I did not permit myself to acknowledge it. I saw it, I felt it all, growing slowly, but with intention, and I withdrew from it… until I could withdraw no more."

"Then tell her that," came his friend's reply. "Tell her in your words as best you can and I am certain, all will turn out well."