Chapter 2

2

“You know, this is beautiful.” I wave at the pink ocean we’re overlooking from the top of a tower in the middle of it.

There’s nothing else around, just a metal tower that could be any ol’ cell tower or radio tower or whatever. In fact, I know so little about towers with blinky lights, that for all I know we’re currently interfering with some vital communication by causing static because we’re so close to the broadcasting dish.

If the ocean wasn’t pink and literally writhing with sea monsters, we could be on Earth, what with the radio tower we’re on.

“But I need you to take me back to my apartment. For all I know, Stalker Steve broke in and trashed the place, and I really need to call the police and file with my insurance company and all that.”

The flink blows a raspberry.

“I know. Paperwork. Boring, amiright? But needs must, especially if I have to replace my textbooks. Those fuckers are expensive. It’s stupid how much textbooks cost. Well, the entire education system is a scam, but one that’s basically forced on us if we want to be able to pay our rent. And again, that’s also stupid. Did you know—”

The world disappears and so do I. This is the ninth jump in as many hours. And it’s not my apartment where we land. In fact, it’s difficult to describe where we’ve landed. It’s hot, but not unbearable, even though there is lava flowing not a foot away from me.

“I know that Hollywood makes it seem like you can get close to lava floes without much trouble, but that’s a goddamn lie. Why am I not blistering right now? It should be way too hot to be this close, plus, like, fumes are a problem, right? Volcanoes put out a lot of noxious gasses, don’t they? I’m not a geology person, I’m physical therapy, but I know this isn’t right.”

Hands on my hips, I turn in a careful circle to make sure I don’t accidentally step in lava and melt my foot. That would be an expensive problem.

This planet is giving dystopian hellscape, but instead of desert, we have lava seeping up from the ground. In the distance the lights of civilization burn, but they’re far enough away that I can’t tell how long it would take me to walk there. Probably an hour, at least, and then I’d have to be done walking for a couple of days.

“So where did you bring me this time?”

“ Chirrp .” That sounds slightly less sure than the other chirps the little guy has offered.

“Well, if you’re not a fan of this place, you can take me home where we’ll at least be comfortable. I could make us ice cream sundaes as a reward for getting home safe n’ sound.”

“ Chiiirrrp .”

“The plaintive note in that little chirp is not giving going-home-for-ice-cream.”

The flink curls its tail a little tighter, gives a loud yawn, pushes its face in my hair, and…

Starts snoring.

I guess all that teleporting tuckered the baby out.

I sigh, look around again, and start walking toward the lights of civilization. It doesn’t really matter how long the baby needs to sleep before they recharge enough to get us home, because I’m in need of the things necessary for survival: water, food, and shelter.

“Trudging isn’t a good look for me. I’m a city boy, you know. Urban survivalist. I can find the nearest purveyor of a mocha almond milk frozen cappuccino with seventeen teaspoons of sugar in the form of syrup in any city in the world, but ask me what plant might give me a rash for touching it, and I’ll advise you to avoid all the plants.”

Not that there are many plants here. I mean they wouldn’t survive here, would they? It’s too dry and hot. And the lava on the ground makes survival questionable for any species that can dry out and shrivel up. Like me.

The air is so arid here that it feels like it’s currently tanning my skin and turning it into leather while at the same time desiccating me, and I’m going to wake up from this hellscape as a cursed mummy bent on revenge against…

Well, Stalker Steve, probably.

I wonder if he trashed my apartment. That would suck.

After walking about half an hour, I’m maybe halfway to my destination, and ahead of me a pile of dirt stirs. I stop in my tracks, watching as a monster with six eyes rises out of the ground. It has two articulated antennae atop a dirt colored bald head. It’s mouth looks like a hole in its face, which makes sense, I suppose, since it has scorpion foreclaws for hands. Its long body is covered in an exoskeleton, which is super disturbing since it’s sort of human shaped.

Have you ever seen that movie, Prometheus ? The alien in it had armor that looked like an exoskeleton with waaay too many bones; I think that costume design could have been inspired by this, uh, being.

“Hello there. Can you understand me?” It can’t hurt to check for language comprehension. I mean, I don’t know what the creature is, but the stegosaurus could both shapeshift and talk and made it clear that I have a pretty narrow view of the universe.

“Of course, human,” the creature replies caustically. By that I mean, it spits and that glob lands on the dirt and starts bubbling and hissing. Its voice is actually fairly mundane considering the terrifying visage.

I take a cautious step backward. “I don’t think my skin will survive any accidental spittle,” I explain. “Can you tell me where I am?”

“Hell. Is that a baby flink wrapped around your head?” the creature asks.

“That’s what I was told by a stegosaurus named Bill. We were planet hopping and it tuckered the poor thing out before they teleported us back to Earth.”

The creature makes a clicking sound, and more spittle lands on the ground, hissing and bubbling. “They’re not likely to know how to get you back to Earth if they’ve gotten lost. They have to be able to aim. You likely landed here because they aimed through a portal. Hell is a contained realm. There aren’t other planets in this realm. This isn’t even a planet you’re standing on. It’s a realm with a boundary—you can only walk so far before you find the edge of the realm and it turns you back. Beyond the boundary is the void between universes. I’ve seen it. Screaming into the void is very satisfying, if you’re into that kind of thing. I hear humans like to do that when they tour Hell.”

“Oh, I thought ‘Hell’ was some kind of translation. So this is, like, actually Hell? Who knew religion was right?”

The creature spits again. “No, of course not. There’s no evidence for or against God with a capital G. Plenty of gods with a little g, but none of us really know if there’s a Big G God. Hell is a place that some humans visited once a few thousand years ago, and they decided to vilify us like demons are all evil. I mean, yeah, some of us are. I’m fully evil and proud of it, but my sister’s good, and we get along fine. We just accept each other for what we are, and family dinners aren’t bad.”

“Makes sense. I think we’re all a little bit of both. I’m not saying you’re good—I understand you’re evil, but we’re having a pleasant conversation, and you’ve been helpful.”

He spits again. “Well, like recognizes like, right?”

I shrug. “Yeah, sure. I don't really consider myself evil. More like morally gray. A good mix of both good and evil. I’m good enough to pass and evil enough to stay alive, ya know?”

“Makes sense. Well, come on. I’ll take you to the embassy. They’ll get you back to Earth, though you better hope you get an evil demon who’s not going to ask any questions about kidnapping a baby flink. A good one’ll arrest you unless you have guardianship papers.”

“Thanks for the warning.” I’m not sure how to convince anyone that I was the one who was abducted, especially when the abductor in question is a baby.

“I’ll take it from here,” a new voice says from behind me. It’s a deep baritone that makes me stop in my tracks again, afraid of what might be behind me. It’s so deep that it makes me think creature-from-the-abyss, and for a moment I might be genuinely terrified of the person behind me.

My escort turns at the voice and spittle flies out of their mouth. “Someone hire you to steal my bounty again?”

“ Jauktuk ”—the deep baritone spits that out, and I have no idea what it means—“The baby’s parents are paying me by the hour for a search and rescue. You can have the human, but you know it’s illegal in all realms to remove a baby flink from their perch.”

Hmm. That’s a very distinct accent happening. Arkansas, I think. I’ve heard it before in real life, and that guy was from a place called Coal Hill.

“You could just meet us at the gates, I get my bounty, you get another hour of pay. What do you say?” the creature asks.

I’m getting the impression that maybe this creature lied to me about taking me to the embassy.

I turn, and floating in midair above my head is an Asian guy with blue streaks in his black hair, guyliner, at least a pound of silver hanging off his neck in chains, ripped black skinny jeans, and a black t-shirt that was probably a band t-shirt back in the nineteen eighties. He’s wearing a utility belt, a whole slew of silver rings, and combat boots, and he’s holding a long, fancy-looking knife.

“I would have said yes to that proposal if you hadn’t forced me to bleed you and ruined my favorite pants the last time we met.”

Listen, I don’t have a thing for voices, but if I did, I’m pretty sure this guy would win. Well, if he had a different accent, obviously. No offense to southern drawls, but they just aren’t my thing. Give him a French accent, and I think I’d probably drop my pants.

Which means I need to stay away, because heaven knows I have shit taste in men.

The ground trembles, and piles of dirt start erupting from the ground. Moments later, a dozen or more of the same type of creature rise from the ground, brandishing what looks like javelins at the Asian guy floating above me. This doesn’t look like a peaceful resolution for who gets the honor of getting me in trouble for being abducted by a baby flink, so I move under the floating guy—I’m not standing between the two aggressors like I have zero actual brains in my head.

Actually, since no one’s really looking at me, I think I’ll just keep walking. No sense in putting me or the baby in danger. If the floating guy wins, I’m sure he can find us again.

“Chirrup!”