Chapter 27

27

Kacey had taken his worry and frustration and shoved it down deep in his belly, because he wasn’t going to think about it, he wasn’t going to ruin their day, and he wasn’t going to take a class.

Period.

River was just going to have to understand.

But they were home now, and it was weird without Tyson and Noel. Empty. Quiet.

“So here’s that brochure I told you about. Have a seat and look it over.” River dropped it on the coffee table. “They have three or four different sketching and line-drawing classes, but they also have some neat stuff like painting and portraits. Check it out.”

“Thanks.” Nope. He didn’t want to find out he sucked at art too. It made him happy, it made him feel special, and he didn’t want to lose that. “Would you like a drink? I’m going to make a cup of coffee.”

“I’ve got it. You sit and look at the brochure. I want you to pick a class. They start next week.” River gave him a little push in the direction of the couch.

“That’s soon! Aren’t there rules about that? How you have to get in early?” He picked up the brochure and sat in the corner of the sofa. “I don’t know anything about this.”

The brochure was filled with options, and he didn’t even know what to think. He wanted to learn it all, but he hated knowing he was going to fuck it up.

“If there’s room in the class, you can take it. I’m not enrolling you in college, boy. It’s just a class. Something for fun to fill your time. Something to think about and keep your mind busy. That’s all.” River didn’t seem to be getting his hints at all.

Just a class. Maybe he could find something quiet with no reading. It wasn’t college. No one cared. He could maybe not actually go. He’d done that a lot, played hooky.

He opened the book, the first course listing was intro to drawing. That worked. If River pushed, he’d fake it and do that.

River brought him coffee after a bit, doctored just right. “Well? What are you looking at? Show me.”

“Thank you. It’s this first one.” He pointed it out and took his coffee.

“You’re too advanced for that one.” River shook his head. “How about this one? Portraits. Or maybe figure drawing? Or if you want to stay in a general mode, it looks like you’d be ready for advanced drawing techniques…”

“But what if they say terms I don’t know? You know, I don’t know things. I should start with the dumbest class.” That made sense.

“It’s not a dumber class, boy. It’s for people with less experience. You know, being new at something doesn’t make you dumb. It just means you haven’t done it before. And what if they do say terms you don’t know? Take notes, look them up later, learn. Believe me, if it’s not the class you should be in, they’ll move you—up or down.”

There was no way around this, was there? “What if I told you I really feel uncomfortable? Would you listen to me?”

“I will always listen to you, boy. Go ahead, tell me.” River took the brochure from him and set it back down on the coffee table.

“I don’t want to do this. Drawing is something I love, and I don’t want someone telling me I suck. I suck at everything that’s not dangerous, and even riding bulls, I wasn’t lighting the world on fire. I don’t want a bunch of people laughing at me and watching me be an idiot. I love that you think I can draw good, but what if you just love me so much that you can’t see the truth?” Because God knew, that was him. He could just be in love and stay blind to the facts of the matter, which were… ugly, lots of times.

Real ugly.

River sat deeper in the couch and pulled him close. “I do love you. What is the truth?”

“I don’t know.” He was never going to be able to trust that part of him, maybe never again. He didn’t know what the truth was. He knew that River was special. He knew that he loved to draw. He was fairly sure he liked River’s bathtub. Everything could be a lie, just a fantasy he’d made up. There was no way to say that, though.

There was no way to tell that story without being the victim. He didn’t know how because there was no good in the “I thought he loved me” excuse. All there was left was pity, and Kacey didn’t need that shit.

“Okay. I do.” River turned toward him. “I love you. I see you. There is no truth that I can’t see. I know some things too. I know that people that should have loved you in your past didn’t, even if they said they did. They lied to you, misled you, used you. But I will never lie to you. I have friends that will back me up on that if you need proof, and you’ve met a few. I can see the truth. It’s you that won’t let yourself see it. Right now, you are the only one standing in your way.”

“If I go, and it’s terrible and they laugh at me, what are you going to do?” Was River going to be sorry? Blame it on him?

River looked confused. “I’m going to apologize and withdraw you from the class, of course. What else would I do?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you got options. You could be a dick about it. You could be mad. You could think I was a turd. You could think the teacher was a prick. I mean, you could do anything.”

“What is happening here, Kacey? Do you think you can distract me from my point?” River wasn’t hassled, wasn’t annoyed, he was perfectly, maddeningly patient. “You are the only one standing in your way. You will have nothing but full support from me, so if you go but you don’t give it a chance? That’s on you. You have an opportunity. Are you going to take it?”

He stared at River, and then he got it. Like honestly just got it. River didn’t know about having just one thing. River had beauty, money, a place that was all his, men that wanted him. This was simply another situation—something necessary that folks did. They did schooling to better something, and it was a kindness that River arranged it. No amount of talking would change anything here. He needed to just let it happen, because River would never understand this part of him that was screaming that if he lost this, he’d just be another failure in a long line of failures. He took a deep breath and swallowed the bitterness down with his coffee. “Sure. Why not? What could it hurt?”

River straightened up suddenly, his expression changing into something schooled and hard to read before he stood and headed for the kitchen. “Good. Well, pick a class. If not art, then pick something else. I need more coffee.”

“Okay…” No. No, you know what? It was not okay. He was not okay. “So, come on. What the fuck did I do wrong? You wanted me to do the thing. I said I will do the thing. I will do the class. I’m trying my fucking best here. I’m trying hard, so what did I do to make you all distant and ‘I need coffee’?”

He had squeezed his coffee cup so hard the handle snapped off and dug into his palm.

River was at his side in a second, taking his cup and pulling him off the couch. “Kacey. Jesus. Come on. Kitchen.”

“Damn.” He cupped one hand under the other and ran for the sink so he didn’t bleed on the floor.

River grabbed a kitchen towel and put pressure on it, holding his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. Stupid cup. Tell me it wasn’t important.”

“I don’t care about the cup.” River kept the pressure on his hand. “I’m sorry about your hand. I’m sorry I upset you. I just needed to leave the room a second to think.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I can ride a bull with a broken pelvis. This should be way less scary.”

“Let me look…” River pulled the towel away, splashed a little water on it and patted it dry with a sigh. “It’s not too bad.”

“Hand me a paper towel? I’ll ball it up and squeeze until it stops bleeding.” Because he wasn’t the world’s biggest dork. “Lord have mercy on my stupid soul. Did I make a mess in there?”

“I don’t know. You’re not stupid. Are you okay?” River handed him a paper towel and caught his eye. “I want you to have something to do. Something outside of the apartment, outside of me. A man needs something of his own to occupy his mind, his hands. Something to be proud of.”

“I agree.” That was a fact. That he understood, bone deep. “It’s a hard thing, not knowing what to do with yourself.”

“I thought getting deeper into your art would be good for you. If a class isn’t it, tell me what is. What do you want?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know, and I don’t know how to explain this right. You don’t understand why I’m scared, and that’s on me. But I’m tired of worrying about it. I’ll try it. That will satisfy you, and that’s my job.” He didn’t know how to make it make sense.

“You’re scared because you think it’s going to fuck with something that’s important to you and make you not love it anymore.” River sighed. “And if that happens… well, the only thing you’ll have left is me. I heard you.”

“See? You don’t understand! You make it about how I feel about you, about how you feel inside me! Listen to me. If I lose this, I have nothing—nothing special, nothing amazing, nothing but me to give to you!” Was he yelling?

He might be yelling.

“You are amazing. You are special. Why do you think I need anything else but you? You’re all I want.” River didn’t yell back; he was actually speaking softly, treating him gently.

“But that’s part of me. I can’t lose any more of it!” He wanted to be amazing. He wanted to be worth all the trouble.

River stared at him for a very uncomfortable moment, then paced away a few steps and back again. This time, he got a nod before River paced away.

River came back one more time and put a hand on his shoulder. “How about a cooking class?”

He didn’t have to think about that for terrible long. He so could do that. He couldn’t possibly be worse than now. He burned cereal. “Okay, and we can revisit the other stuff, when I’m—” Stronger.

“When you’re ready. If you’re ready.” River pulled him into a hug. “You’ve lost enough.”

For a second, Kacey couldn’t breathe and his knees went weak. “Master.”

River took a breath and his chest got so full he was crushed for a second between it and River’s arms. “Mmm. I love you, my boy.”

“I love you.” He held on, breathed, feeling like he’d done something huge, even though he hadn’t done anything at all.

“I’m sorry that I made that so difficult. I had the best intentions, but I wasn’t listening well enough.”

“I know I’m weird, I know it. But thank you for getting me. I want to learn things, but with the art, I need to protect it for a little longer.” He needed to hide it from the world. “I never let anyone but you see.”

“I know. You got close to showing Master Noel, though. He likes dragons. And, I have a secret for you.” River leaned close to his ear. “We’re all weird. I like to spank people.”

He had to chuckle. Had to. “Dude, tell me about it! I sorta like to be spanked, you know?”

“Mm. I think I noticed. Just a little.” River let him go, holding him at arm’s length. “How is your hand?”

“It’ll be fine. I’m sorry about your cup. I’ll get us a new one.” He felt silly now, but he hadn’t tried to do it.

“I don’t care about the cup. Let me see your hand.” River took it gently and peeled the paper towel off it.

There was a deep v-shaped cut, right in the center of his palm. Gross, but cool.

River poked around it gently, testing the skin. “Does it hurt? I have butterfly bandages, but I don’t know if they’ll stick there. It seems to be done bleeding… let’s go put something on it.”

He almost argued, but… if River wanted to do that, then he would accept the care. That was part of his job, right? “Yes, Sir. It looks worse than it feels.”

“I’m sure. It will make me feel better, so humor your Master, please.”

“Yes, Sir.” That was the plan. Give and take. This was how it seemed to work, and he was in. “Lead the way.”