10. Past the Breaking Point

TEN

PAST THE brEAKING POINT

Misery Business, Paramore

Roe

Hell. Pure and simple. There is no denying that these past weeks have been hell. I wish I could pinpoint what went wrong but to be honest, everything did. Not one thing went my way, and the impostor syndrome is loud . Especially after the way I raced this weekend. I came in fourth place. Fourth! It doesn’t really matter that I’m faster than most—if not all— of these men, but my fucking body crashed on me with 24 minutes left. I had two choices: push through at the same pace and finish another full lap, but risk passing out and not finishing at all; or slow down and save my energy. I chose option two because I’d rather finish in fourth place than not finish at all. I need to work on my stamina if I’m ever going to be able to finish a full scramble without feeling like I might pass out.

Hare scrambles are a series of off-road races in which all the riders begin on a single line. It is not about who finishes first, but who does the highest number of laps in the allotted time. They track your speed and movement with a transponder attached to your helmet. If your transponder has not moved for a few minutes, they will send someone to check on you. The races are hard and lengthy. The terrain is not clean like in Supercross or track races, making it more of a workout with harder challenges than other races. It pushes your body to the max; on top of the effort it takes to ride a dirt bike, you also have to balance and maneuver a bike that weighs as much as most riders. Hell, mine weighs more than me. There are ten rounds in a hare scramble series, all at different trails, and the races take place over a few months. The winner has the highest cumulative points from each race at the end of the series. And I already started off on the wrong foot by finishing fourth.

And what’s worse than not placing in the top three? Guess who got the second-best score? Santiago Cruz, of course. Agh, I’m over this. I can complain forever, or I can do something about it so I can beat him next time. That includes upping my strength and conditioning and making sure that my body can tolerate the force that is AA class racing. I’ve been reading about different ways to help me build my stamina, but more than that, helping my body keep its fuel. My training starts today.

After stretching for a few minutes, I bend down to double-tie my shoelaces, blowing the pieces of hair that got out of my ponytail away from my face. I shuffle my playlist, and as soon as I hit play, Misery Business blasts in my ears and I begin to run. The air is crisp, unusual for summers in Baker even in the early morning, but in no time I’m drenched in sweat. The knife necklace thumps on my chest with every step I take as I explore the rough terrain in this trail.

The moonlight casts a low glow over the Southern Yellow pines, making this the most serene time and place to be, away from everything and everyone. The way I always am, alone, just me and my thoughts. I keep my pace steady, sprinting through the shadows and trying to calm my breath. The music pounds in my ears but I’m sure the sounds of my ragged breath and footsteps against the branches on the ground echo through the forest. I feel the air leaving me, my lungs straining, making it harder to breathe, but this is when I should push harder. You have to push harder after you think you can ’ t do it anymore . It’s something my dad used to say. I just need to push a little harder. I just need to keep going. My vision blurs and when I think I’m going to step again, my legs give out beneath me. As I hit the cold hard ground, I succumb to darkness.