Chapter 15

Freddie

F reddie drifted in a cocoon of warmth. Not a heavy sleeper when he was human, as a vampire he'd snap awake after an hour or two. This slow, cozy return to consciousness was an unfamiliar experience. He was at peace, and he didn't want to open his eyes.

He slowly became aware that the heat was not only from blankets piled on top of him, but also from the warm weight of an arm around his waist. The soft rise and fall of gentle breath tickled his neck.

Freddie's eyes snapped open to assess the situation. Anthony was next to him in the bed, his face angelic in sleep, his cheek resting on Freddie's chest. Feeling Anthony against him made his heart catch.

But would Anthony want to stay by his side once he understood? Freddie stared at the out-dated white ceiling tile, his thoughts racing. What had Anthony seen during the fight? Everything after was a vague fog.

Somehow, Anthony had gotten him back to the hotel. Freddie was wearing only his boxer briefs. Had Anthony undressed him? His clothing must have been soaked with blood.

Anthony deserved better. If he was the reason for the crimson surge, Freddie still wouldn't force Anthony to be with him. He didn't have any idea about Freddie's world. He should be with someone who wasn't a killer.

"I can feel you thinking. Stop it."

Freddie turned his head and kissed Anthony on the bridge of his nose. Anthony scrunched his face up reflexively in response. He was adorable.

"Hi sweet."

"I'm so glad you're awake." Anthony's arm tightened around Freddie's waist, testing and confirming the solidity of Freddie's presence. "Oliver promised me you would wake up, but I was worried."

Freddie pulled away to look into Anthony's eyes. "You spoke to Master Hughes?"

"After the fight, you were so weak, and you couldn't speak. I didn't know what to do. Oliver and Uncle Danny came here."

Fear lingered on Anthony's face like a shadow. Freddie brought his hand up to Anthony's soft cheek, stroking it.

"I'm sorry you went through that."

"You were only protecting me." Anthony smirked. "And someone needed to tell me what the hell was going on, because you weren't going to."

Freddie flinched. "Tell you what was going on?"

"You know, that you're a vampire and all that."

Freddie hoisted himself up onto his elbow, keeping his eyes trained on Anthony.

"What did they say?" His stomach flipped with anxiety. He trusted that Master Hughes had his best interests at heart, but he didn't want Anthony to feel pressured.

"Pretty much everything, I think, except—"

"You don't have to be with me, Anthony. There's nothing forcing you. I would never take your choice away. You deserve better than the life you'll have with me. I'm a vampire. I kill people. I try not to, but I do what I have to do. You should find someone who can be your partner and supporter. Someone human."

Hurt and confusion flashed across Anthony's face, and eyes welled with tears. "I don't understand. Are you breaking up with me? We weren't even really dating, I know, but I thought…I thought there was more."

"There is, sweet. But you have the right to choose. You shouldn't be saddled with me."

"I…I don't…we're not getting married. Why does it feel like you're calling off our wedding? I was hoping you'd be my boyfriend, but if you don't want that…" The tears slid down Anthony's cheeks. "I get it. I'm just a job to you. I'm so embarrassed."

The sight was a knife in Freddie's chest. He reached out and grabbed Anthony's arm, and Anthony pulled away.

"No, oh no, my love, I never want to be the cause of your tears. What exactly did Master Hughes tell you about vampires? Did he explain what happened during the fight?"

Anthony shook his head, sniffing. "Uncle Daniel said that you should tell me about…about the crimson surge. Whatever that is."

Freddie clenched his free fist. Damn it all, he had assumed they'd told Anthony everything. He'd made a mess of things, and worse, he'd made Anthony cry. He vowed to never do that again.

"Do you want me to go?" Anthony asked. "I can leave you to rest."

Freddie hated the fear and sadness in Anthony's voice. Anthony moved to get up, and Freddie grabbed his hand.

"Please, Anthony, let me explain. Will you?"

Anthony stared at him, and Freddie squeezed his hand, trying to project everything he felt for him through the physical connection. Anthony nodded, sitting and leaning back against the gray satin headboard. But his shoulders were still tense, his body on guard, as if he were waiting for another blow. Freddie had to make this better.

"What happened during that fight was not normal, not even for a vampire. It was what we call the crimson surge. It's a sort of mindless, instinctual rage, where the vampire essence, the demon, takes over and bypasses all human thought. It turns us into a killing machine. It's never happened to me before."

Confusion flashed across Anthony's face. "It hasn't? Why…what made it happen?"

"Only two things can trigger the crimson surge. When a vampire is in mortal danger. Or when someone threatens their mate."

"I knew you were outnumbered," Anthony said, "but I guess I didn't realize you were in so much danger."

Freddie just had to say it. "I wasn't. You were."

Anthony's eyes went wide. Freddie continued.

"When Brian had his claw around your throat, I lost my mind. My vampire essence, my demon, took over. I would never slaughter my adversaries like that, not when I could subdue them easily enough. But the minute you were in danger, my control was gone."

"I'm your mate?" Anthony's voice was soft and tentative, the polar opposite of his normal boisterousness. Freddie wanted to hold him, to wrap him up and never let him out of his sight.

"Yes."

"Oh."

"But that doesn't mean you're stuck with me. What you want matters. I would never force you to be with me because of some sort of ridiculous vampiric predestination. I would never want you to hate me because you didn't have a choice."

Anthony cocked his head, his expression unreadable.

"Why would I hate you?"

Freddie sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hand. "Because you don't know what I've done."

"I know you, though." Anthony's tone was strong and insistent. "You have kept me safe. You've put my life before your own. I don't care what you've done."

"You should." Freddie sprang up from the bed. He wobbled on his feet, a little residual weakness from the fight still affecting him. But he had to push through.

"Freddie, I—"

"No." Freddie held up his hand to Anthony. "Just let me get this out. Then you can choose for yourself. I've…I've never told anyone the full story, not even Master Hughes. But you should hear it."

Anthony nodded, concern lining his face. Framed by the headboard, Anthony was like an old painting. The moonlight illuminated his olive skin, and his dark hair contrasted with the gray fabric behind him. He was beautiful. And distant, untouchable.

Freddie pressed on. Anthony deserved to hear it all.

"My sire was not a good man. He was selfish, a petty lordling with a desire for more power and an insatiable need to cause others pain. He turned me because…well, I'm not entirely sure, although I have some ideas. My name back then, over two centuries ago, was Frederick Grosvenor."

Freddie paced around the hotel room as he spoke, needing an outlet for the nervous energy bubbling inside of him. He stared down at the pattern his feet made on the burgundy carpet.

"The Grosvenor family today has no reason to know me, a second son who disappeared in a murderous rage in the 1700s. But back then, my family was important. Wealthy, yes, but we also had political power. And Henry Calvert wanted it."

Freddie stopped and stared out the window. He didn't want to see Anthony's face as he told his story. To see the fear and disgust. He wasn't sure he'd survive that.

"He ambushed me in a London alley on a moonless night. Took me by surprise. Then he turned me. When I awoke, I was in my own bed. My family had sent out a servant to find me. The man had piled my unconscious body onto a wagon and brought me back to the estate. I woke up before they could track down a doctor."

Freddie gripped the windowsill, his fingernails making indents in the old white paint.

"When you first become a vampire, Anthony, the hunger for blood is all-consuming. Usually, the bond shared between a vampire and their sire controls that ravenousness. The sire can calm the demon through that bond and prevent the vampire from rampaging. Henry left me alone on the street. Perhaps he thought I would cause a public bloodbath and discredit my family. Perhaps he simply didn't care, thinking to use his control over me to advance his own political interests."

"The person sitting by my bedside when I woke was my younger sister, Daphne." Freddie's old grief sprang up as the image of her sprang to his mind. He fought through. "She was… she was beautiful. Sixteen, with rosy cheeks and a constant smile. She was who I loved most in all the world."

Anthony coughed and shifted on the bed. Freddie couldn't bring himself to look over at his mate. He kept his eyes trained on the gibbous moon hanging low over the tiled roofs of Barcelona. It was like a searchlight shining down on him, exposing him, leaving him nowhere to hide.

"I was out of my mind with hunger. I barely remember it, the sound of her screams and the blood running down my chin. When I regained my senses, all I had left was despair. And rage."

Freddie closed his eyes, and his mind conjured the memory of his sister's body, lifeless and cold. It hurt, but he deserved the pain.

"My father found me in that state. He reacted…well, how else could he react? There was no room for sympathy or understanding, and rightly so. I stood over the corpse of his only daughter, covered in her blood. He called me out for the monster I am. I left before he could get his hands on a weapon."

Freddie shunted the memory of that night away into the recesses of his mind. He couldn't dwell on that if he hoped to get through this.

"I slaughtered Henry Calvert and his entire family. I wish I could say it was my newfound desire for blood, but no. I did it for revenge. For making me into a beast. For my sister's life."

"After that, I disappeared. I couldn't face my mother and father again. Daphne, she…she was so kind. So innocent. And I murdered her."

"I don't know why I didn't kill myself. I might have thrown myself into the fire, or asked another vampire to behead me. But I didn't. I kept going, at first trying to drown my memories in blood and debauchery. But as the years passed, I needed a purpose for being. I had to balance the evil I'd done. I was searching for ways to do that when Master Hughes found me."

Freddie stopped. There was nothing left to tell. Now Anthony had heard what he'd done, the bloodthirsty brute he was. He still couldn't force himself to face his mate. The rejection that waited there would break him. It might finally be the thing that ended him.

"So you see why I am unfit to be anyone's mate, nevermind someone as perfect as—"

"Freddie." Anthony's tone was certain, insistent. "Freddie, look at me."

It took an intense effort, but Freddie turned his gaze back to the bed where Anthony sat. Anthony's face was red. He'd been crying. Oh god, had he hurt him that deeply? Freddie had thought he would be angry, disgusted, afraid. But this was worse.

"What happens to you if I choose not to be your mate?"

Freddie swallowed. He hadn't expected that question, although he should have. It was one he'd hoped that Anthony wouldn't ask, but he also wouldn't lie. Not to his mate. There would no longer be any deception between them.

"I will never be with anyone else. A mated vampire has no interest in another. And someday, when you die, as humans do, I will also die."

"You'll lose your immortality?"

"Yes. Now that I've found you, our lifespans are tied together, and if you do not become a vampire, I will share your death."

Anthony sat there, taking in Freddie's words, his hands clasped tightly in front of him. The silence was oppressive. Despite his supernatural strength, he thought he might collapse under the weight of it, and under the weight of Anthony's gaze.

Anthony stared at him, chewing his lip and processing everything he had said. Then something in Anthony shifted. He set his jaw and reached out his hand.

"Freddie, I…I'm so sorry for what you've been through." Anthony's voice caught in his throat. "It's more than one person should have to bear."

Freddie blinked in confusion. What was Anthony saying? His mate's eyes were bright, the moonlight from the window reflecting off of them, giving him an otherworldly presence.

"Please don't keep yourself from me," Anthony pleaded. "Come back to bed."

Freddie's mind was a maelstrom of confusion and hope. He managed to get his legs to move, and he crossed the room and laid down next to Anthony. He was careful not to touch him, though. The fear of rejection was too strong.

"Did you do evil things?" Anthony's voice was low and comforting. "Yes. But evil was done to you, enough to break anyone's spirit. You have made yourself who you are today, someone who is honorable and good, someone who protects others. That is an astonishing feat."

Freddie tasted salt as his own tears hit his lips. Had he cried once in the hundreds of years since he became a vampire? He didn't think so, not since the day his sister died.

"You shouldn't be with a killer like me." The words were glass in Freddie's throat, but he had to say them. He had to give Anthony the chance. "You deserve better."

Anthony rested his hand on Freddie's chest, and Freddie trembled at the touch. He was a vampire with inhuman strength, yet Anthony could reduce him to a quivering mess. Even this tentative, careful caress made him weak.

Then, without warning, his lips were on Freddie's, ravenous, as if he was trying to press his very life into him.

Freddie broke the kiss, surprised by the intensity. "Anthony?"

"I don't want you to die. More than that. I want to be with you. No one makes me feel the way you do. Cherished. Seen. I don't know if this whole mate thing is real, if this is forever, but I know how I feel right now."

"Promise me you'll be honest with me." Freddie wanted more than anything to luxuriate in his love's affirmation, but he forced the words out anyway. "Promise that if you are unhappy, that you won't stay and be miserable. I never want that for you. I never want you to be stuck mated to a monster."

Anthony's hand moved to the back of Freddie's neck, his grip strong, pulling Freddie's face in close to his own. His eyes shone with a possessiveness Freddie had never seen in him before.

"If you are a monster, you're my monster. You belong to me."