Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

Nervous was sort of a pass-through stage for me.

I hated the churning that happened in my stomach whenever I was anxious about something. I hated not being able to focus on anything other than whatever was freaking me out, and most of all, I hated that no matter how hard I analyzed things, I couldn’t come up with a solution. All of this made me angry—and that was the stage I’d just entered as I sat in the restaurant at eleven fifty-eight the next day and watched Gabriel walk to the table for our noon lunch.

He smiled, but I didn’t reciprocate.

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting long,” he said, pulling out the chair across from me. “I walked out of my room without my wallet and then realized the key was in my wallet, and the front desk didn’t want to give me a new one because I didn’t have any ID.”

“It’s fine.”

Gabriel sat and folded his hands. “You look nice. The lighting in here makes your hair have a red highlight to it.”

“It is red. I dyed it. I finally decided to try it.”

“I didn’t realize that was something you’d wanted to do.”

I sighed. “What are you doing here, Gabriel?”

He lifted the napkin from the table and laid it across his lap. “I came to talk to you.”

“You should have told me you were coming. And you definitely shouldn’t have let yourself into my apartment last night.”

“I know.” He looked down. “I’ve handled this all wrong, and I’m very sorry.”

The waitress came over and poured us waters, then asked if we were ready to order. I hadn’t even looked at the menu, nor did I have much of an appetite. “Do you have Caesar salad?”

She nodded. “We do. Would you like blackened chicken in that? It’s really good. I eat it all the time.”

I held out the menu to her. “Sure. Thank you.”

She looked to Gabriel, who handed her his menu, too. “I’ll have the same.”

Once she was gone, Gabriel shook his head. “I practiced what I was going to say to you a dozen times on the flight over. But I can’t seem to remember where to start now.”

“How about starting with what you’re doing here? I thought you weren’t planning on coming back until after your sabbatical.”

“I wasn’t. I came back to talk to you.” He picked up his water and gulped. Then he took a deep breath. “I made such a big mistake, Georgia.”

“Coming here?”

He shook his head. “No, not at all. I made a mistake leaving.”

I had on a long-sleeve, fitted shirt, and suddenly the arms felt too tight. It was like my clothes had shrunk two sizes and were trying to suffocate me. When I said nothing, Gabriel reached across the table and covered my hand with his.

I pulled mine away.

He frowned. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Georgia. And I ran away when things got tough. I love you, and I was a complete idiot. I made a mistake, and I’m here to try to fix it.”

“You made a mistake?” I don’t know why, but his word choice pissed me off. Mistake. It was just so cavalier. I shook my head. “No. A mistake is when you eat the salmon even though it looked a little funny and then you’re sick the next day. A mistake is when you read the SparkNotes rather than the actual book and then show up for the test and can’t answer a single question. A mistake is not when you tell the woman you proposed to that you’re moving to Europe and want to sleep with other people. That’s a choice.”

Gabriel held up his hands. “Okay. Okay. I get it. It was a poor choice of words. I’ve made some bad decisions. But I’m here, and I want to make all my wrongs right.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

I shook my head. “No, why now?”

Gabriel dragged a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Because I’m stubborn, and it took me this long to pull my head out of my ass.”

I felt my face heat. “Bullshit, Gabriel. You’re here because of Max. It was okay for you to sleep around and date other people. But as soon as you found out I’m seeing someone, suddenly you change your mind.”

At least he had the decency to look ashamed.

Gabriel shook his head, looking down. “Maybe. Maybe that’s what ultimately woke me up. But does the reason really matter?” He lifted his gaze. “Sometimes it takes losing what you have to realize how much it means to you.”

“I think it’s more like you knew exactly what you had, but you never thought you’d actually lose it.”

Gabriel swallowed. “Have I? Have I lost you already?”

I wasn’t sure of the answer to that question anymore. “Are you back from London for good?”

He shook his head. “I signed a contract for the entire year. I can’t just up and leave before December.”

“So what’s changed then?”

“I have. I’m committed to you.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you’re all I want. All I need. You have my word that I will be faithful.”

“Even if I keep seeing other people?”

Gabriel’s spine straightened. He blinked a few times. “Is that what you want?”

I wasn’t sure I knew up from down at the moment, but I didn’t feel like just giving in. I shook my head. “I don’t know what I want, Gabriel.”

He let out a jagged breath. “God, I really screwed up.”

The waitress came with our salads. Both of us were quiet long after she left, neither touching our food. My head was way too much of a jumbled mess to eat, let alone understand where this left me.

Gabriel’s voice was low when he spoke again. “Are you in love with him?”

That question made me feel like throwing up. It made me realize how far in I’d gotten with Max.

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

For the next half hour, I pushed my food around my plate with my fork. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think straight. It was hard to even hear over the thoughts swirling in my head. Gabriel tried to make small talk, but when they came to take our plates, I couldn’t have told you one thing we’d spoken about.

“I’m flying out on the redeye tonight. Today was a public holiday in England, so the university is closed, but I need to make it back by the time class starts tomorrow.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“Do you think we could have dinner tonight?”

I felt a little bad that he’d come all this way, but I shook my head. “I need some time to absorb everything.”

He tried to force a smile as he nodded, but failed miserably. After he paid the check, we stood outside the restaurant awkwardly.

Gabriel took my hand. “I need to say a few more things, because they need to be said in person, and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again.”

“Okay…”

“I was lost for a while. Losing Jason, finding out my parents weren’t my parents, finally getting my book published only to realize I don’t have what it takes—even watching your career take off like a rocket. I let it all make me feel unworthy, and I sought validation from the wrong places—a new job, dating again, even moving to another country. I was ashamed of who I was, but also afraid to let you know what I was feeling. I never stopped loving you, Georgia. I just hated myself more.” His eyes brimmed with tears, and I had to swallow to keep my own at bay.

I squeezed his hand. None of that made me feel any better. “I’m sorry I didn’t see how much you were hurting.”

“It’s not your fault. I hid it behind my big ego pretty well.” He forced a smile. “Would it be okay to hug you goodbye?”

I nodded. “Of course.”

Gabriel held me tight for a long time before letting go. I could feel his reluctance to leave, and it reminded me how I’d felt saying goodbye to him before he left for London.

“I’ll give you some time before I call. Unless you want to talk before that.”

“Thank you. Take care, Gabriel.”

• • •

I’d stared out the window for so long that the motion-sensor light in my office flicked off. Though I didn’t notice until Maggie screeched.

“Shit!” She held her hand over her heart when the lights turned back on. “I didn’t think you were in here because it was dark. I just came to leave these samples on your desk.”

“Sorry.”

She zoned in on my face. “What’s the matter? Was your trip not good? When we texted over the weekend, it sounded like you were having a great time.”

“No, my trip was fine.”

“Is something wrong here at work?”

I shook my head. “Gabriel’s here.”

Maggie’s eyes widened. “Here, as in New York?”

I nodded.

“Have you seen him?”

“He was in my apartment last night when I got home. Waiting for me. Max was with me.”

Her jaw dropped. “Do you need help burying the body Max murdered?”

I shook my head. “I thought it might be touch and go for a moment there. I could feel the anger radiating from Max. But he was the man he’s been from the start—thoughtful and considerate. We talked in private. I didn’t want to ask Max to leave with Gabriel in my apartment, so I had them both leave, and I met Gabriel at a restaurant for lunch today.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“You were in a meeting when I came in, and I wasn’t even sure why he was here.”

“Well, what did he want?”

“He wants to close our open relationship.”

Maggie rolled her eyes. “Of course he does. Because open relationship meant other women opened their legs for him, but you kept yours closed.”

I sighed. “Of course that’s the reason for his change of heart. But the choices Gabriel has made lately… Even if I want them to, they don’t erase what we had together when things were good. He’s hurt me, there’s no doubt about that, but I was in love with him, Mags. I’d decided he was it for me.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I said I needed some time. Gabriel and I have a long history. And most of that was good. I care about him.”

“I know you do.”

I shook my head. “But then there’s Max, who I’m crazy about. I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me want to live more. Like I want to go to the park and have sex while looking at five-million-dollar houses in the Hollywood Hills with the realtor waiting outside, and hide away in a hotel giving myself a time-out from the world. He makes me feel alive.”

“Umm…can we go back to the sex with the realtor waiting outside?”

I smiled sadly. “But Max is temporary. He’s leaving at the end of the summer. I suppose long-distance relationships are hard, not impossible, but he only signed on for what we have.”

“If Max was not leaving and wanted an exclusive relationship with you, what would you do?”

How could I be sure about anything at this point? I needed time to think. I dropped my head to my hands. “Oh, God. I can’t even figure out what to do with Gabriel. You can’t ask me that.”

Maggie laughed. “Sorry. I thought I was helping.”

“I feel like the decision with Gabriel shouldn’t be dependent on Max. I either want to be with Gabriel or I don’t. Like, if I went to Max and asked him if he wanted to try a long-distance relationship and he said no. And then I went back to Gabriel and said yes, let’s get back together, I’d only be staying with Gabriel because Max wasn’t an option. I should want to be with the person I love regardless of what opportunities I might have out there, you know?”

Maggie nodded. “It makes a lot of sense… But let’s keep playing this out. What if you decide you don’t want to be with Gabriel because you have feelings for Max, without knowing what Max wants. So you break things off with him, only to find out Max doesn’t want to keep things going after he leaves. Then where does that leave you?”

I took a deep breath. “Obviously that would suck. But if I was willing to end things with Gabriel to take that chance, my relationship with him was doomed anyway.”

“Is it an all-or-nothing with Gabriel? Is he giving you an ultimatum—stop seeing other people or it’s over?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t ask that question. But I guess if I don’t want to go back to being exclusive and he breaks it off completely, it is what it is.”

Maggie shook her head. “In a weird way, it was easier that Aaron cheated on me. He made the decision for us. All I had to think about was which of his friends and business partners to fuck first.”

That might’ve been the first time I’d smiled for real since last night. But then my phone buzzed on my desk. I stared at it like it might blow up if I touched it. Maggie saw my face and chuckled, right before leaning forward and picking it up.

She looked down for a moment, then turned the phone to face me.

“It’s Max. He wants to know how you are.”