25. Naomi

CHAPTER 25

Naomi

" O h my god, no! We are not watching Jennifer's Body for the seven millionth time."

Shal crosses her arms to make an X shape and bangs them together a few times to indicate just how against watching my favourite movie she is.

"Sorry, Naomi, but I'm with Shal," Priya says as she adjusts the pillows on the rattan chaise lounge she's sitting on. "We literally just watched it not even two months ago. Also, I still don't get why you like it so much. It's pretty gross."

We're all out on the deck at the mansion, gathered around the fancy fire pit table thing it took the four of us a good fifteen minutes to figure out how to work. I'm hoping we got it right and that the gas-powered flames aren't about to explode and set the house on fire, but so far, they're just warding off the slight chill in the night air and keeping the bugs at bay.

Andrea is sitting next to me on one of the deck couches, the side of her leg pressed against mine. Tonight is my last night in the house before Peter and Sandy come home tomorrow, and even though Andrea and I already have a date planned for the day after that, I've still spent the whole evening feeling like she's going to slip away for good the second I let her leave my side.

What I've decided to announce to all three of them tonight isn't helping my worries.

"It's a modern classic!" Andrea urges. "Plus, it's like the most fun horror movie ever, because every time you think something scary is about to pop up, it's actually just—"

"Megan Fox!" I say at the same time as her.

She turns to grin at me and then slides her arm around my shoulders. "Exactly. You get it."

Shal groans from over on the other side of the table, where she's sprawled on a couch. "Are you two already finishing each other's sentences? Disgusting."

I can tell she's holding back a smile.

"I'm pretty sure that movie is the reason I realized I'm bisexual," Andrea adds. "My older cousin let me watch it when I was way too young for an R rated movie, and instead of being traumatized, I just wanted to watch Jennifer and Needy kiss over and over again."

"Maybe I should thank your cousin," I blurt.

My face heats up when I realize how cringey that was, but Andrea just chuckles and bumps my arm with hers before telling me she'll get us in touch. I tilt my head to rest my cheek on her shoulder as she tightens her grip around me.

Priya coughs.

"Do you two want some alone time?" Shal asks with a wag of her eyebrows. "We don't have to watch a movie tonight. Priya and I can head out and let you watch your gross and yet apparently erotic zombie cheerleader movie together."

" Demon cheerleader," Andrea and I say in unison.

This time we earn ourselves a groan from both Priya and Shal.

"Okay, okay, we're out of here, Pri," Shal says as she rolls onto her side and then pushes herself up to a seat on the couch cushions.

"Wait," I interrupt before they can get to their feet. "I, um, I need to tell you guys something."

Everyone turns to stare at me. I glance at Andrea and murmur, "You too."

She cups her hand around my shoulder and squeezes. I lean into her touch, closing my eyes for a second as I ground into the sensation. The fire dances across the backs of my eyelids, and when I open my eyes again, I watch the red and orange glow reflect on Shal, Priya, and Andrea's faces.

Just before my therapist signed off on our regular call this afternoon, I told her that next time, I want to talk about the whole neurodivergent thing—as in I really want to talk about it, not just keep saying I do and then putting it off every time.

If it's a part of me, I want to get to know that part. I want to love that part if I can, and I want to trust the people I love enough to share it with them.

If this summer has taught me anything, it's that I don't ever have to worry about being too weird for the three girls sitting with me tonight.

"So, you know how I've been dealing with the whole social anxiety thing for a few years now?" I ask.

I'm back to staring at the fire. The orange tendrils curl and twist around each other, forming ever-shifting shapes and patterns.

"Well, my therapist thinks maybe there's more to it than that," I continue, "and I've been avoiding the possibility for a while because I didn't want there to be yet another thing wrong with me, but I'm trying really hard not to see it as something wrong. If it is true, then it's just…me, and…and I want you guys to know me, so…"

Andrea keeps her arm wrapped tight around my shoulders and uses her other hand to reach for mine. Even now, a few sparks still shoot up my arm when I feel her palm slide against mine.

"She thinks I might be some type of neurodivergent," I say, "and honestly, I'm not totally sure what that's going to mean. I haven't looked into it or asked her any questions yet because I've been too scared to even think about it, but it's true I've always felt…different, like I'm on the outside of this box everyone else is in, but…but somehow that's never mattered with the three of you, at least, so I guess what I want to say is thank you for letting me just be me."

I let out a shaky breath, and I realize I'm waiting for Andrea to let go of my hand. I'm waiting for Shal to get up and head for the van without a word. I'm waiting for Priya to tell me she needs a normal friend.

None of that happens.

Andrea pulls me in closer and kisses the top of my head. Shal runs around the fire and folds herself over the back of our couch so she can scoop us both into a bear hug. Priya swipes at her eyes and tells me she's proud to be my friend in a voice thick with tears before she gets up and joins the cuddle pile too.

For a few moments, I just let myself be held. I let their arms wrap me up in the assurance that right here, right now, I am safe, and I don't have to be anything other than me to deserve that.

We're all sniffling by the time Shal and Priya get up to return to their seats. Andrea stays wrapped around me, and Shal repeats her offer to give us some time to ourselves.

"No, don't go, you guys!" I urge, even as I snuggle in closer to Andrea. "It's our last night here. We have to make the most of it."

Priya leans forward to stretch her hands out towards the fire.

"Just as long as making the most of it doesn't involve any last minute additions to the bucket list," she says with a fake shudder.

"Well, actually…" Shal jokes before a glare from her sister shuts her down.

"Where is the list anyway?" Andrea asks. "Are you guys going to frame it or something?"

Shal claps her hands. "Oooh, I like that idea! Yeah, where did the list even go? It would be really anticlimactic if we lost it after all this."

"I think it's in my room," I answer.

I'm pretty sure I tucked it into one of my journals. Shal urges me to go get it, and even though the last thing I want to do is leave Andrea's arms, I can't deny how poetic of a moment rereading the list around a fire on our last night at the house will be, so I get up with a dramatic groan.

I stop complaining when Andrea jumps to her feet and says she'll come with me.

The cats were asleep in their igloo the last time I checked, but I still do a quick scan of the kitchen before I pull the door open; losing Sandy's cats the night before she comes home would not be the poetic moment I'm looking for.

Once we've reached the top of the stairs on the second floor, I stop and tell Andrea to wait.

My heart is hammering in my chest. Now that we're alone, it's a little easier for my doubts to creep in and tell me maybe Shal and Priya can accept me as a friend, but Andrea can't possibly want to date a weirdo with a messed up brain.

She spins around to face me and then comes close enough to take both my hands.

"Yeah?" she murmurs.

I drop my gaze to our entwined fingers.

"Are you sure what I said out there didn't change anything for you? Because I know it's a lot, and maybe it's not what you were looking for, and—"

"You're what I'm looking for."

She squeezes my hands, and all the doubts peter out.

"You were what I was looking for before I even realized it, and whatever you learn about yourself isn't going to change that. It's just going to give me a chance to get to know you even better, and…getting to know you better might be my new favourite thing."

My cheeks heat up, and I can't stop myself from smiling down at our hands.

"That's how I feel about you."

"Good," she says. "Then we've got nothing to worry about. Now, shall we go find that list?"

The bucket list is just where I thought it was, the sheet of paper covered in Shal's handwriting tucked under the cover of my journal. We head back out to the deck, and then all four of us huddle around one of the couches while we read by the flickering light of the fire.

SUMMER BUCKET LIST

1. Skinny dip in the mansion's pool.

2. Have a summer fling.

3. Smoke a joint.

4. Perform at an open mic.

5. Make a new friend.

6. Attend an insane pool party.

7. Go on a road trip.

8. Post a dance challenge.

9. Get a tattoo or other body modification.

10. Fall in love (whatever that means).

We laugh at some of them, groan at others, and marvel at the fact that we actually did all this.

"Okay, we have to frame this," Priya says once we reach the end. "I'm going to stop believing this summer actually happened if we don't, and I don't want to go back to being boring Priya."

I look up from where I've been holding the paper out in front of me and stare straight into the white hot center of the fire instead.

"You were never boring," I tell her, "and also…I don't think we could go back to who we were even if we tried."

I get to my feet, my gaze still pinned to the flames. I step close enough to feel their heat radiating against my skin.

Then I thrust my arm out to dangle the list over the fire.

All three of them gasp, and Priya starts to shout a protest, but when I glance behind me with the edge of the paper still pinched between my fingers, she goes silent.

"I think we should burn it," I say.

I wait for someone to disagree, but after a few moments, they all nod.

I turn back to face the table and will myself to let the list go.

At first, my fingers won't listen. They cling to the paper as I wonder if Priya is right, if I'll watch this reminder of our summer go up in flames and stop believing I'm the kind of person who can do the things I want to do, even when they terrify me.

The heat on my legs is getting uncomfortable now. I take a little step back and up bumping against Andrea's knees. She puts a hand on my hip to steady me, but she doesn't haul me back or push me forwards.

She just lets me know she's there for me while I figure things out.

I take a deep breath, and then I step back up to the table.

I let the summer list go.

The paper zig-zags down, down, down until the hungry flames reach up and flare bright enough to sting my eyes as they lick the edge of the page.

I sit back down beside Andrea, and we watch as the sheet curls inward, the flames illuminating the words that changed all our lives before they're burnt down to a few flakes of ash.

I tilt my head onto Andrea's shoulder and wait for whatever comes next.