22. Naomi

CHAPTER 22

Naomi

T he tips of my sandals dig two trenches into the sand as Priya and I dangle in the swings in the small park two blocks over from my house. The creaky old chains groan as we sway back and forth, both of us slurping down giant Slushies we got at the corner store. A few birds are serenading the first stains of orange streaking the sky as the sun begins setting.

It's the same way we've spent a hundred summer evenings before. Back when we were so small our feet barely brushed the ground, my mom would come to the park and push us for so long I'm sure we wore her arms out. Once we got old enough to come to the park alone, we'd sit in the swings talking about all the things we'd do once we finally finished high school for so long our butts went numb.

The tops of the swing chains are rusting, and the red paint on the support poles has almost completely flaked off, but in all the years I've lived here, they've never changed anything about the park. Even the corner store we always get our Slushies from still offers the same selection of flavors they did when we were little.

"Isn't it crazy that we were on this swing set when I got accepted to Ottawa U?" Priya asks. "It's really hitting me. Everything we always talked about is finally here, and there's no going back. We're about to start the rest of our lives, and there's nothing we can do to stop it."

I look up from where I've been swirling the slush around in my cup. My swing has ground to a halt, but I don't bother pushing off from the sand again. I let myself hover in place as I watch Priya pick up more and more speed.

"Would you want to stop it?" I ask. "If you could?"

She presses her lips together, her expression caught somewhere between fear and determination.

"No," she says after a moment. "I think if this summer has taught me anything, it's that I'm ready. I mean, unless Shal gets us drunk again and we come up with a university bucket list too. I don't think I'll be ready for another bucket list for a while."

I hadn't thought about Andrea for the whole fifteen or so minutes we've spent on the swings. At the mention of the bucket list, it's like the cork gets pulled out of whatever bottle I've shoved all my feelings into. They come pouring out so fast I gasp for air, like I'm drowning in the memories and fighting to keep my head up high enough to breathe.

"Oh, Naomi!"

Priya hops off her swing and runs around to the back of mine so she can lean over and wrap her arms around me. She almost knocks my Slushie out of my hands, but I don't care. I lean back into her and sniffle as the corners of my eyes start to burn.

"It's gonna be okay," she coos.

The park blurs as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. I blink them back, staring at the golden light filtering through the leaves of the maple tree at the edge of the park. The whole sky is a soft orange edged with pink.

I can't help wondering if Andrea is watching the sunset too.

It'll be her last one in Ottawa.

"She's leaving tomorrow," I say to Priya, my voice thick. "Like, she's really leaving. I know it's stupid, but I just kept thinking maybe she'd call, maybe she'd change her mind, maybe she'd do something , but she'll be gone tomorrow. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now."

Priya hugs me even tighter. "I'm so sorry."

She holds me as I take a few shuddering breaths. I manage to get the tears under control before I end up terrorizing the family playing over by the monkey bars by bawling my eyes out in the middle of the park.

"Do you think maybe we're too old to be here?" I say with a watery laugh as I nod over at the parents helping their two little kids across the bars. "I hope they don't think we're creepy."

Priya scoffs. "This is our park. We own this hood."

I laugh again, the sound more convincing this time, and Priya takes it as a sign she can return to her swing. We've only just started sipping our drinks again when the sight of someone waving their arms above their head down at the end of the block catches my eye.

"Is that…Shal?"

She's supposed to be at a party with the guy she's been counting as her summer fling despite seeming thoroughly uninterested every time she talks about him, but sure enough, she comes jogging up the sidewalk and then runs across the park's grassy lawn to meet us.

"Naomi's mom told me you were here," she says before we can ask any questions. She's panting, and she bends to brace her hands on the tops of her thighs. "I told Liam I'm done with him, and then I remembered you two were hanging out tonight, so I came over."

She straightens up and grins at us before she starts to sway on her feet and then totters backwards a few steps.

Priya leans forward in her swing to squint at her. "Are you drunk?"

Shal giggles and keeps swaying. "I'm just a little tipsy."

"You didn't drive, did you?" Priya asks.

Shal scowls. "Of course not. I walked. The party was pretty close to here, not that you could call it much of a party."

She sighs and then lowers herself down to sit on the grass in front of us. She's wearing a silky halter top and some black shorts, and her hair is gathered into a ponytail that's sitting a little lopsided on her head. There's a bit of mascara smeared under one of her eyes.

"Shal, are you…okay?" I ask.

She sighs again. "I'm fine. I'm just feeling…disillusioned."

Priya and I share a look.

"The party was just a bunch of the same people I usually see at parties," Shal continues, "and Liam was being his usual blah self, and I realized I was only drinking so I could be mellowed out enough to actually stand being around him, and…it just hit me. I don't have to do that anymore. I don't need those people's approval. I'm not even going to see those people anymore after everyone starts university. Like, why do I still care? And then I realized…I don't."

She digs her fingers into the grass and then tips her head back to stare up at the orange sky. She ends up tilting her head so much she loses her balance and lands flat on her back with an, "Oomph!"

Priya and I glance at each other again before getting up off the swings.

"Okay, sister," Priya says as we each crouch down on either side of Shal, "let's go back to Naomi's house. I think you need some water."

She waves us off. "I'm fine. I'm just a little tipsy."

I glance behind me and see the parents at the monkey bars are loading their kids into a wagon. I hope they haven't reported us for disorderly conduct. Shal shows no signs of getting up, and I don't think dragging her all the way home is an option, so Priya and I end up reclaiming our spots on the swings while she stays sprawled in the grass.

"You know, I really did want to fall in love this summer," she says, "and not just to finish the list. I really wanted to find someone special, you know? Like you two did."

My chest twinges, and I tighten my grip on the swing chains.

"I don't think I'm in love with Bill," Priya says.

Shal lifts her head enough to gawk at her. "You're crazy about him. I've never seen you like this about a guy."

Priya shrugs. "I do really, really like him, but…it's not quite love. It's more like…loving the possibility of love. The potential for it. Loving the space you've made for it to grow if it wants to."

Shal scoffs and lets her head drop back to the ground. "Now you sound tipsy."

Priya stares down at her lap like she's embarrassed, but I lean forward in my swing and say, "I like that. That's beautiful."

She gives me a grin. "Thanks."

"It kind of reminds me of this one poem by Yates…" I trail off when she grimaces. "I'm kidding."

She chuckles. "Sure you are. But seriously, I've been thinking about that a lot, actually. I think that's kind of been the theme of my whole summer: falling in love with my own potential, with my own future, even if it's different from everything I've been so far."

Two months ago, it would have terrified me to hear her say that.

I wanted to be sure of the future. I wanted to know it wouldn't look too different from the past. I wanted to know our friendship would stay as constant as this old swing set, even if that meant we got covered in rust.

Now I know we can change without losing ourselves.

"Oh. My. God! "

Whatever cheesy thing I was about to say to Priya gets interrupted by Shal's shout. She's holding her phone a few inches from her face while she stares at the screen with her mouth hanging open.

"What is it?" Priya asks.

Watching Shal try to scramble to her feet and bring the phone over is a bit painful. She's definitely way past ‘tipsy.'

"This is the mansion, right?"

She thrusts her phone into my face. I have to push her hand back a few inches before I can focus on the video playing on the screen. It's a clip posted just a few seconds ago by someone whose account I don't recognize.

The video contains all the key elements of a raging pool party, or at least what I think the key elements are, considering I've never been to one. The audio is crackly, but I can hear some kind of heavy metal song blasting over the noise of the crowd. People clutching beer bottles and Solo cups are swarming around a huge swimming pool dotted with people canon-balling into the water and floating around in inner tubes.

My breath catches.

I know that pool.

"Oh my god ," Priya says from behind me. "Is she seriously having a pool party? Who even posted this?"

Shal shrugs, the phone jiggling in her grip. "Some random girl I follow. She used to go to our school."

Priya squints at the screen. "I can't believe Andrea is throwing a party. What the hell?"

"What the hell is right," Shal barks, snatching the phone away to plant her hands on her hips. "A pool party was on our list. Does she really think she can finish our list without us?"

I slide off the swing and take a few steps away from them, turning my back before they can see my face twist with pain. The Slushie cup falls out of my hand. I wrap both my arms around my stomach and wait for the ache in my chest to ease, but the gnawing sensation only gets worse.

I don't care about the list anymore. I care that I was just crying on a swing set wondering if Andrea was missing me, and it turns out she's spending her last night in her dad's house throwing a rager.

Like she's over me already.

Like I really was just a fling to her.

That night at the open mic, she told me I meant everything, that she didn't think she was good enough to be with me, but what if she was just trying not to hurt my feelings?

What if she felt sorry for me? What if she turned me down because she realized how pathetic I am after all?

"Naomi."

Priya steps closer but doesn't try to touch me. I don't turn around.

The voices I thought I'd managed to drown out are now ringing loud and clear in my head, all the doubts I thought I'd buried springing to the surface again.

I thought Andrea saw me. I thought she helped me see myself, but maybe I got the whole thing wrong.

"It's just a stupid party," Priya says from behind me, her voice soft. "We don't have to talk about it. We don't even have to think about it. We can just go home and watch Jennifer's Body and eat pickles and stay up all night. I'll even buy you another Slushie if you want."

A flood of warmth fills the hole in my chest, and I whirl around to face her. As I stand there staring at the best friend I've ever had in the park where we grew from kids to teenagers to people taking their very first steps into adulthood, I realize it doesn't matter what this summer meant to Andrea.

It doesn't matter if I was more than a fling.

It doesn't matter if she really did see me or not, because I saw me, and no matter who helped me get there, nobody will ever be able to take that away.

I'm the one who stood on that stage and read that poem. I'm the one who followed her into the parking lot and laid my whole heart on the line. I'm the one who decided I was enough for her, even if she couldn't do the same for me.

The voices in my head might be trying to tear me down and tell me differently, but the loudest part of me knows I will always be enough for myself.

"You know what?" I say to Priya. "That sounds like the perfect summer night."

Her face splits into a grin to mirror my own. She links her arm through mine, and the two of us turn to head over and collect Shal.

Only Shal isn't where we left her.

"Shal?" Priya shouts, just as I whip my head around and spot Shal reaching for the door of a silver car that's pulled up to the edge of the sidewalk.

"Come on!" Shal shouts, waving us over.

"Who is that?" Priya demands, releasing my arm so the two of us can sprint over to the car.

"Our driver," Shal answers with an eye-roll. "For the ride I ordered. Duh."

"The ride to where?" Priya demands.

"To the party ." Shal rolls her eyes again, like the answer should be obvious. "Do you really want Andrea to finish the bucket list without us? We have to go to this pool party."

She tugs on the door handle, but Priya grabs her arm.

"Listen, Shal," she says over the sound of her sister's affronted gasp. "We are not going to the party. You are drunk, and that is a terrible idea."

Shal yanks her arm out of Priya's grasp and then shrugs. "Speak for yourself, but I am finishing that bucket list. I'm going to go to that party and make a new friend and also fall passionately in love, okay? We can't let Andrea beat us at our own list!"

Before either of us can move to stop her again, she hauls the door open and dives into the backseat.

Priya groans. "We're not getting her out of this car, are we?"

Considering that Shal has now buckled herself in and is humming along to the radio, I shake my head.

The driver looks back over his shoulder and asks, "Are we getting in or not, ladies?"

Priya groans again and then looks at me with a grimace. "I'm sorry, Naomi. I can't let her go alone. I'm sure by the time we get there, I'll be able to convince her to come back. You can stay, and—"

"I'm coming with you."

Her eyes widen. "You don't have to. I'll deal with it. You shouldn't have to see—"

"If Andrea can spend her last night in the city throwing a pool party, I can show up there. Shal is right. We have to finish the list. Maybe it's stupid, but we made it this far, and…and I think maybe I need this."

I was ready to forget about the list altogether, but now that the chance to finish it for good has literally pulled up to the curb in front of us, I can't help thinking ‘That Summer We Almost Completed a Crazy Bucket List' is not what I want this chapter of my life's story to be called.

I've read so many stories about other people. Now that mine has finally begun, I'm not going to cut it short.

So I get in the car.