14. Naomi

CHAPTER 14

Naomi

W e're only halfway to the water park, and I'm already considering jumping out of a moving car.

One of Shal's Bollywood playlists has been filling the silence for the better part of an hour. Shal herself is the only person in the car who's said more than a couple sentences the whole trip.

Priya declared she slept badly and sandwiched a pillow up against the passenger side window as soon as we pulled out of the driveway. I don't know how anyone could sleep through the blasting music, but she's done a good job at pretending for most of the ride.

She also did a good job at pretending to sleep when I knocked on the door of her guest bedroom last night to make yet another attempt at talking through the mess between us.

I made that mess infinitely worse when I texted her a couple days ago to ask why she hadn't told me about the guy from her music class and if she plans on telling me when they start dating or if that's going to be a secret too.

She said my reaction is exactly why she didn't tell me in the first place.

I asked what she meant.

She said that should be obvious.

We've had pretty much the exact same conversation a half dozen times since then, and each one has made me more and more sure I've gotten things catastrophically wrong in the one friendship that's made me feel like I can do things right.

If the tension radiating from Priya in the passenger seat weren't enough to have me ready to eject myself out of this car, there's also the heavy silence from the seat behind me adding to the experience.

Andrea claimed the back bench instead of taking the bucket seat next to mine like she has every other time we've been in the van together. I don't know when she ate breakfast, but she was locked up in her room until Shal called her downstairs once the rest of us were ready to leave.

I watch the endless miles of Canadian forest lining the highway fly by outside the window, but I can't stop seeing Andrea's face in the hot tub last night, so close to mine I could almost feel her breath on my lips.

So close I almost kissed her.

She didn't ask me to kiss her, and as much as I felt like she was leaning in too, what's happened with Priya has shown me I can't trust myself to understand what people want.

If I'm too much for Priya, I'm sure as hell too much for Andrea. We barely know each other, and I was already blabbing about myself so much last night I almost slipped and told her my therapist thinks I'm not neurotypical.

I haven't told anyone about that, and Andrea certainly didn't ask for a confession. Sure, she said we're friends, but that was just to check off a stupid bucket list item. I'm the one taking things too far, and soon I'll be making her feel trapped just like I've done to Priya.

"Oooh does anybody want Slushies?" Shal asks as she reaches to turn the music down. "There's a rest stop coming up, and I bet they have them."

"I'm not really hungry," I say when nobody else answers, "but if you want one, we should stop."

"You don't have to be hungry to get a Slushie," she says. "It's a summer road trip staple. Hey, Pri, wake up! We're getting Slushies."

She gives her sister's arm a nudge, and Priya's answering groan is groggy enough for me to believe she really did fall asleep.

"Maybe Slushies will cheer you grumpy little babies up enough to make this trip actually fun. Me and the trusty Dabangg soundtrack can only do so much on our own," she says with a nod at the stereo.

We reach the turn-off for the exit in a couple minutes. We're winding down the wide curve when a bang loud enough to make us all scream explodes underneath the van.

"What the hell was that?" Priya screeches, her hands clutching the edge of her seat.

Shal jabs at the stereo to turn the music off. "I don't know. There's no light on in the dashboard. Do you hear anything?"

For a moment, I can't hear anything except our rapid breathing as Shal continues to steer the van down the exit ramp.

Then a heavy thunk-thunk from under the front end of the car starts to sound out again and again, the noise grating enough to make my jaw clench.

"That's a flat tire," Andrea says from behind me. "A very flat tire."

Shal swears. "Ma is going to kill me."

"Pull over," Priya orders, tugging on Shal's arm until she swats her away.

"I can't pull over in the middle of a ramp. I have to get to the road at the bottom."

The thunking sound gets louder and crunchier as we go. We're all wincing by the time we get to the end of the ramp. Shal pulls off to the side of a road lined with corn fields full of stalks almost as tall as the van.

She shuts the engine off and twists in her seat. "So, who knows how to change a tire?"

We all glance at each other.

"I mean, in theory I do," Andrea says, "but I've never done it all by myself, and I don't really remember all the details."

"Do you think we could manage it with a YouTube video?" Priya asks.

She's already pulling her phone out, but after a couple seconds, her face falls.

"Oh no. Do any of you have service out here?"

My stomach drops as I hunt around for my purse on the floor. By the time I've gotten my phone out, everyone else has confirmed they're out of service range too.

"We could walk to the rest stop?" I say. "I'm sure there's someone there who could help, or at least enough service to call somebody."

Shal glances at our very rural surroundings. "We might have to, but the sign said it's five kilometers away from the exit. That's…a very long walk in the sun. Somebody else is bound to come down this exit, right?"

She undoes her seat belt and says she's going to check on the tire. As soon as she shuts the door behind her, the tension in the car seems to get a thousand times thicker. My throat feels like it's being crushed by the weight of all the words I wish I could say to Priya and Andrea.

Priya turns back around and lets out a heavy breath before opening her door and stepping outside. I hear the muffled sounds of her and Shal arguing, but I don't focus on their voices. All my senses are tuned into Andrea.

I listen to her breathing. I listen to the creak of the seat as she shifts her weight. I listen to her seatbelt buckle click.

"Naomi, about last night—"

"I'm sorry."

My whole body has tensed up. Even the muscles in my face are so tight my cheeks are twitching.

She shifts forward, leaning her head out between the seats. I think she's trying to catch my eye, but I stare down at my sandals instead.

"You don't have to be sorry," she says.

I try to swallow, but I can't.

I don't want to hear this. I don't want her to let me down easy. I don't want to her to pity me.

"I…I'm gonna go see if they need help."

I fling my seatbelt off and yank the door open. I don't even bother closing it behind me. I just trudge around to the back of the van so I can squat down to wrap my arms around my knees and pull myself together in private for a moment.

The morning sun beats down on my head as I press my forehead to my kneecaps and focus on breathing in and out. I tune into my senses: the sound of rustling corn leaves, the scent of hot asphalt and dirt, the sight of the clear blue sky when I lift my head and look up.

My chest feels a fraction less tight now, but my skin is still hot and itchy with nerves. It all feels like way too much to fit inside my head: the fight with Priya, the awkwardness with Andrea, and now the stress of being stuck on the side of some random country road with no phone service.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what the rules are. I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. I haven't even gotten to university yet, and the whole world has already shifted into shapes I don't recognize.

I drop my head back down to listen to the rustle of the leaves again, like maybe they'll whisper some answers, but instead, I end up tuning into Shal and Priya's conversation from up at the front of the car.

"I get it, okay? It's stressful, but you're being straight up rude, and you have been all day," Shal says. "What's the matter with you, anyway? Why won't you tell me what's going on?"

"Oh, so it's okay for you to have your own life, but as soon as I don't want to tell you every single detail about mine, I'm being rude?"

Shal scoffs, and even though I can't see her, I'm certain she just put her hands on her hips.

"Where is this even coming from?" she asks. "If you've got some problem with Naomi, fine, but don't start projecting it on me too."

Priya grumbles her reply just loud enough for me to catch the words. "Maybe I have a problem with both of you."

I know I should do something to let them know I can hear them, but I'm frozen in place, straining my ears to make sure I don't miss anything as my skin turns slick with sweat.

"Oh yeah?" Shal asks, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Care to enlighten me?"

"Yeah, actually, I do care," Priya says. "I care that I'm just the sidekick in everyone else's story. I care that I'm just the boring twin you only spend time with when you need a break from everyone else. I care that I'm the dependable rock everyone can lean on, but as soon as I want my own life, it's too much for everybody else. I care that you're off doing your dating and partying thing like usual, and Naomi's off crushing on Andrea and being all obsessed with her, but as soon as I want some space to spend time with someone other than the two of you, you both freak out and get mad at me for wanting just one thing that doesn't involve you. It's honestly pathetic."

She's shouting by the time she finishes, which makes the silence that follows extra eerie. I've gone from overheating to clammy and shaky as my sweat-soaked t-shirt clings to my skin.

Priya is right.

I have always seen her as my rock, and maybe that's not something she ever wanted to be. Maybe all I've done is hold her down.

"Priya…" Shal rasps.

I hear a scuffle of footsteps before Priya says, "Don't, Shal. Just…don't."

More footsteps sound out, and by the time I realize they're headed for the back of the van, it's too late for me to go anywhere. The steps stop, and whichever twin is now standing a couple feet away from me gasps.

"Naomi."

It's Priya.

I know I should stand up. I should fix this. I should apologize. I should do something , but my brain feels like it's on overdrive, whirring through a thousand social calculations without finding any definitive results. My systems are crashing.

"You…you heard that," she says, her voice low. "Naomi, I—oh. Hi."

"Hey."

I hear Andrea's voice on the other side of me, and realization slams into me so hard I almost end up sprawled on my side in the middle of the road.

If I heard everything Priya said, then Andrea must have heard it too.

Including the part about me having a crush on her and ‘being all obsessed.'

"Naomi, look, I…" Priya trails off and then sighs before she steps up beside me.

I hear her crouch down to get on my level, but all the sounds around me have gone distant and hazy, like I've been pulled into an anxiety whirlpool where I can't tell up from down.

I can tell I'm about to have a panic attack, and it only gets worse when Andrea kneels down beside me too.

I don't want them to see this.

I don't want anyone to see this.

I have to get out of here.

I don't realize I've bolted until corn leaves are already whipping my face and arms. One of my sandals snags the base of a stalk. I almost end up sprawled on my face before catching my balance, but I don't slow down.

My lungs burn, and above the pounding of my heart, I can hear someone calling my name, but still, I don't stop. I don't know which way the road is anymore. I don't know where I'm going. I just know that if I slow down for even a second, reality is going to catch up with me, and I'm going to crumble under its weight.

I tear my way through another few rows of corn before I trip again, but this time, I don't manage to steady myself. I land hard on my knees and palms, a shriek ripping its way out of me when I feel the sharp edge of a rock dig into my kneecap.

I roll to a seat and inspect the damage while I continue to gasp for air. My knee is caked with dirt and oozing blood where the rock jabbed me. My hands are streaked with dirt too, and my bare arms are criss-crossed with shallow scrapes from the corn.

"NAOMI!"

I look up as the sound of shaking leaves and pounding footsteps gets closer and closer, followed by more shouts of my name. I'm too stunned from the fall to do anything but stare as Andrea bursts through the last few rows of corn separating us and then gasps when she spots me on the ground.

"Naomi! Are you hurt?"

She's kneeling beside me before I have a chance to answer, one of her hands coming to rest on my shin as she inspects my bleeding knee with wide eyes. Her purple-tinged hair is hanging wild around her face, sweat is coating her neck, and her arms are streaked with the same scrapes as mine.

"You're here," I mumble.

She huffs a laugh laced with relief as her eyes meet mine. "Of course I am. I…I wasn't about to let you disappear into a corn field forever without telling you I have a crush on you too."

Everything stops.

My heart, my breath, the breeze rattling the tops of the corn stalks, the shift of the sun in the sky—it all goes still.

"You…what?"

"You heard me," she murmurs, one corner of her mouth quirking up into that smirk that's been undoing me since the day I met her.

She only manages to keep it up for half a second before her eyebrows draw together and uncertainty slides over her face like a cloud drifting across a clear sky.

"Look, I know we haven't known each other for very long, and I know I'm just some random girl squatting in her dad's house, but…but if what Priya said is true…if you do have a crush on me, then I figured maybe you should know I have a crush on you too. So yeah. That's…that."

When a few seconds pass without me saying anything, the furrows between her eyebrows deepen. She pulls her hand off my shin to ball it into a fist at her side.

"Maybe this wasn't a good time to say that," she says. "Maybe I shouldn't have said it at all. I… God, this is such a cliché, but I've never really had this kind of a conversation with a girl, and I just thought… Honestly, I don't know what I thought. I just did it."

She lets out a quiet laugh that's so bitter it makes my chest ache. She starts to push up to her feet, but I shoot my hand out to grab her arm and pull her back down.

Her eyes widen again, and I'm sure I look just as shocked, but I don't let go.

She has a crush on me.

She likes me.

This unstoppable force of a girl likes me , and the rest of my life might feel like it's spinning out of my control, but this moment right here is one I can hold onto.

This moment right here doesn't have to crumple under the weight of all my doubts.

This moment can crush those doubts to dust if I let it.

"You really…like me?"

Andrea nods and closes her hand over the spot where my fingers are still gripping her arm. "I like you, Naomi. I was trying not to admit it to myself, but…I think I've liked you since you tried to murder me with the Venus de Milo."

We're silent for a couple seconds. Then she squeezes my hand, and it's like something deep inside my chest cracks open to let liquid gold pour through my veins.

I tip my head back and laugh up at the bright blue sky while Andrea does the same. My body sings with relief. The ground itself seems to be thrumming to the tune of our joy when once we've caught our breath, both our faces split into cartoonish grins.

She likes me. She likes me. She likes me.

I know it's the dorkiest thing ever, but the chant keeps repeating in my head as we get to our feet. I release her arm so we can get up, but she grabs my hand to twine her fingers through mine as soon as we're standing.

A fresh surge of gold shoots through my bloodstream, and every colour in the corn field flares a little bit brighter.

"I don't really know what this is," she says, nodding down at our joined hands. "and I know I'm kind of a hot mess right now, but I just knew as soon as you sprinted off into this field that I had to tell you how I feel. I've never met anyone like you, Naomi. I…I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."

The corners of my eyes sting, and my heart feels like it's about to beat its way out of my chest.

"That's…that's exactly how I feel about you," I tell her. "I was ready to throw that whole summer list in the trash, but then you showed up, and you kind of just…swept me into this crazy adventure I didn't know somebody like me could go on."

She chuckles. "It has been pretty crazy, hasn't it?"

"Yeah. We're, like, literally having this conversation in the middle of a random corn field, miles away from any trace of society." I sweep my free hand out in front of me to indicate our surroundings. "Plus, you're…not the only one who's been feeling like a hot mess. You heard what Priya said. I don't even know if I have a best friend anymore, and it's true that a lot of what I've been struggling with lately has been pretty pathetic. I—"

"You're not pathetic."

Andrea's voice is sharp enough to make me jerk with surprise. She squeezes my hand again and softens her tone.

"I know you two have got a lot to sort out, and I know I'm just some random outsider looking in on the situation, but whatever you have going on, I know she doesn't actually think you're pathetic. No one could think you're pathetic, Naomi, and I know once we go back out there, Priya is going to tell you that herself."

Once we go back out there.

The words hang in the air, so heavy I can almost hear them hit the ground with a thud as reality seeps back into the field like an acrid gas.

"What is it?" Andrea asks.

I realize I've reached my free hand up to cover my mouth and let it fall back down to my side.

"Nothing. This is just…surreal. Like, you're holding my hand and telling me you have a crush on me, but for some reason, I feel like this all going to be some kind of dream we leave behind as soon as we leave this field."

She stares at me for a few seconds before she steps closer until we're just a couple inches shy of chest to chest.

"How about this?" she says, her gaze as soft as the stroke of her thumb along the back of my hand. "You have to have a summer fling to finish the bucket list, right? So…let's try it. Let's go on a date."

I blink. "A…a date?"

She nods and grins at me. "Yeah. A date. You and me. Does that help you believe you're not dreaming?"

I grip her hand extra hard to keep from falling over as I squeak, "Um, not really?"

She shrugs and lets out a fake sigh, her eyes flashing with amusement. "Well, if you don't want to…"

"I didn't say that!"

She chuckles at the urgency in my voice. "So, it's a date, then?"

I nod so many times I feel my cheeks heat up at how not cool I'm being, but I'm past the point of speaking.

Andrea King just asked me on a date.