24. Rusalka

24

RUSALKA

I’m filled with regret from the moment I leave the room, but that’s still not enough to stop my forward momentum. I’m a fool. I thought we were making progress, that Belladonna might actually want a future with me. I know it’s too fucking soon, that it’s not fair to expect her to have shed a lifetime’s worth of trauma in the span of a few weeks.

But I wanted her to want more for herself than to be an empty womb to be filled in the service of others. I still want that.

The stairs pass in a blur. There’s a roaring in my head that eclipses everything. I’m feeling too much, and it’s my own damned fault. Belladonna is going to think I’m furious at her, when really I’m angry at myself. If I were more ruthless, I wouldn’t worry about what a pregnancy now, for the sole purpose of helping my territory, would do to this woman I only met a few weeks ago but care about far more than I could have dreamed. If I were a better leader, not even that worry would be enough to make me dissuade her. But I don’t want to be a leader who breaks her, even if it serves the greater good.

Except I didn’t say that, did I?

I didn’t tell Belladonna that I care about her and I’m worried about her. I just started yelling at her and then stormed off.

Even now, I’m not thinking clearly. She’s going to think?.?.?. Fuck, I just hurt her terribly, didn’t I? It’s going to reinforce all the awful stuff she’s been so diligent about fighting in her head. Instead of being understanding, I just knocked her feet right out from under her.

I stop short and turn around, intent on returning to actually talk this out instead of letting emotions get the best of me. No matter what I find when I get back to our room—because the room has become ours and I don’t want that to change—we’ll work through it.

But, when I turn around, the hallway isn’t empty. Belladonna is hurrying toward me, her expression intent. Shock stops me in my tracks. “You came after me.”

“You ran away.” She staggers to a stop a few feet from me, her breath coming hard. “I?.?.?. Hold on.” She plants her hands on her thighs. “I just need?.?.?. a second.”

“Take all the time you need,” I say faintly. Shecame after me. With any of my Insomnior Court, this wouldn’t be notable. We’re all hotheads in our own way when the circumstances arise, but we know one another well enough to know when to let someone walk off some frustration and when distance is only going to make things worse.

But Belladonna isn’t Zhenya or Inna or Danik. She doesn’t have the benefit of years of experience with my temper, slow to anger though I may be. More importantly, in her history, she’s been badgered and belittled and crushed into a smaller version of herself—someone who wouldn’t have the courage to pursue a tough conversation that may not go her way, because nothing ever went her way while she was under the control of toxic people.

“You came after me,” I can’t help repeating.

“You.” Belladonna finally straightens, though she’s still breathing a little hard. “You didn’t look like you were moving that fast, but you really were. I had to run to catch up with you.”

“Sorry.” I look away, but my gaze is drawn back to her almost instantly. I drag in a breath. “I really am sorry. I didn’t?—”

“No.” She slices a hand through the air. “You will let me speak, and you won’t run away in the middle of it.”

Shock silences me for several beats. This is a side of Belladonna that I’ve never seen before, and I like it. A lot. “Okay.”

“Oh, well, uh, good.” She shoves her hair out of her face. “I’m not good at this, but I’m going to try.”

I press my lips together as she attempts to compose herself. The urge to step closer, to touch her, to do whatever it takes to make things right, nearly overwhelms me. But Belladonna asked for space to speak, and giving it to her is the least I can do.

“I care about you,” she says quietly. “More than care, if I’m being honest. We haven’t talked about how my feelings sort of slipped out when we were having sex, which I appreciated in the moment, but now I’m wondering if we should have. It’s not just sex to me. I don’t know how it could be just sex. I love you, Rusalka. Not just because you make me feel good physically. Not just because you’ve been so intentional about creating a space for me to find my feet since I came here. Not just because you actually listen and gently counter some of the horrible truths I grew up taking to heart.” She drags in a breath. “But also because you’re a good person.”

“Belladonna—”

“Let me finish. You are a good person. You take care of everyone around you, from Zhenya, Danik, and Inna to all your staff to the town to the territory. This territory doesn’t need a human baby to turn it around—your leadership means your people are flourishing.”

Heat rises beneath my skin. I have the strangest urge to look away, to curl my shoulders. “I don’t do it for praise. It is the right thing to do.”

“I know. That just makes me love you more.” She lifts her hands as if she might reach for me but abandons the movement halfway through. “I want to help people, too. Not at the expense of myself, though. Not anymore.”

As much as it heartens me to hear that, it doesn’t change the fact that she offered to have a baby just a few minutes ago. “So you’re going to drop the baby conversation.”

She frowns. “That’s not what I said.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that?.?.?.” She squares her shoulders. “There’s nothing wrong with helping people. Maybe I haven’t always wanted to do it for the right reasons, but that’s still the truth. Aren’t leaders supposed to prioritize the good of the many?”

Yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt. “I won’t do that. Not when you’re the one being hurt to benefit the many.” I could leave it there, but she’s been so damned brave. I can match that bravery. For her. “If I were a better leader, I would allow you to sacrifice yourself for the betterment of my territory. I would allow your child to be born solely to benefit us all, rather than because they were wanted. I won’t, Belladonna. I love you, and I’ll be damned if I allow any more pain into your life—or the life of an innocent baby. You should only experience peace and contentment and appreciation going forward. Never shame, never hurt.”

Her eyes well a little, but not a single tear escapes. It kills me to wonder if that’s a learned skill. I imagine her tears weren’t met with empathy when it came to her family. Belladonna sniffs. “Could you say it again, please?”

“I love you.”

She steps forward, wraps her arms around me. “I love you, too.”

I don’t know what to feel. I’m still angry, but I’m not angry at her. I’m elated that she’s telling me she loves me outside the bedroom. I’m hopeful for the future. I’m terrified I’m going to fuck this up, in a way I’ve never been terrified of anything. “I want to kill your parents.”

“What?” Belladonna blinks, then blinks again. “That would be?.?.?. I think that may put you at odds with Azazel, considering my bargain.”

“I know.” I sigh. “I won’t do it—even if they deserve it—because it would hurt you. Also because Danik refused to obey my order to find them. But the desire is there nonetheless.”

“Thank you?” She shakes her head and hugs me tighter. “I don’t want anyone hurt on my account.”

“I know.” That inherent goodness is part of what makes her her. “I want children, too. I know I’ve said that before, and it’s true.”

Belladonna smiles a little. “I do, too. Not just for other people, but for myself.” She strokes her hands over my back. “I don’t expect you to believe that—not yet—but it’s the truth. The idea of raising a child here, of their having such an abundance of love in their life because of this community, because they have you as their parent?.?.?. Rusalka, that sounds fucking beautiful?”

I hug her close and let her steady warmth soothe me. “There’s no rush, little one. We have time. Why not enjoy each other for a little while longer? Why not wait until we both feel like it’s the right time for us, rather than for other people?”

She pulls back a little. I don’t like the new distance, but I get it—she obviously wants to read my expression. “You’d want children with me even if it wouldn’t benefit the territory?”

“Yes.” It’s the truth. “I’m not sad that our children will create a more prosperous territory, but that’s not why I want them.”

“Then?.?.?. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt us to wait.” She looks away and then back at me. “But I don’t like how that fight went. We’re going to fight—I don’t think there’s a way to avoid it—but?.?.?.” She gulps down a breath. “Please don’t walk away in the middle again, at least not without plans to resume the conversation if you need time to calm down. I can’t handle that, Rusalka. It hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “It won’t happen again.” I had only thought to spare her my messy emotions, which was a bit selfish in hindsight. Isn’t that always the way? We’re all just doing our best, and sometimes we bruise the ones we most care about in the process. “I’ll do better.”

“We both will.” She takes my hand and turns us back toward the stairs. “But, even if we’re not going to have a baby soon, maybe we could?.?.?. practice?”

I flush hot and then hotter. “Practice.”

“I know we’re choosing not to utilize a key component of the whole baby-making process, but I think that may make it more fun?” A blush takes up residence in her cheeks, and that only makes me need her more.s

I pick up my pace. “Yes. Practice sounds perfect.”