20. Rusalka

20

RUSALKA

Hours and hours spent wrapped up in Belladonna, and when the morning finally comes, I can’t ignore her words any longer. I love you. I stare down at the human, her now-short hair flung across her pillow, her limbs slack with sleep, her expression relaxed in a way it never seems to be during waking hours.

I know better than to take those words at face value. It’s only been a week, and a tumultuous one at that. Love has happened faster on occasion, so it’s not that I don’t believe in the feeling. I have no doubt she believes it.

The circumstances give me pause, though. My Insomnior Court and I are, by all accounts, the first true kindness she’s experienced without some kind of ulterior motive?.?.?. Except we do have an ulterior motive, don’t we? I made her wait a week to make her decision about having a baby, but if she still wants to do it, I can’t say no. If I did, my people would be justified in asking me to step down as leader, and the next leader would accept Belladonna’s sacrifice.

I trace my claws just above her body, a bare inch away from her skin so as not to wake her. No, I won’t let someone else make that choice. If she insists on doing this thing, then I’ll have to allow her to do it.

But love?

For a moment, I allow myself to picture it. A life where she stays, where we have a child or multiple children, whether she bears them or I do, or maybe neither of us. A life spent striving for peace, both internal and external. And, sometime far in the future, two old folks sitting in the shade and watching the people we love flourish.

Want wells up inside me, a deep and all-consuming thing. It doesn’t make sense to crave that future with a woman I barely know, but I’m not the kind of person who spends overmuch time worrying about what should be, only what is.

I care deeply about Belladonna, and I want a future with her. I want her to stay. I want to keep her and for her to keep me, whatever that may look like for us.

It scares me how desperately I want that.

She stirs, her eyes slowly blinking open. “What time is it?”

“Too early with how late we fell asleep.”

Her lips curve in a satisfied smile that makes my heart flip. “It’s worth it.”

She stretches slowly, arching her back in a way that makes my mouth go dry even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that she’s not trying to seduce me. She shifts onto her side and studies me. “You look like you’re thinking very hard about something.”

“Nothing that needs to be talked about now.” I don’t want to do anything to bruise this lovely moment. Any talk of the future will do that. Instead, I brush her newly shorn hair back from her face. “I know you enjoy spending time in the gardens, but I was hoping to steal you away for the day.” The plan comes together as I say it. I’ve been intent on sharing her with as many of my people as possible, for both her and their benefit. But after last night, I’m feeling a bit selfish. I want to keep her attention all for myself.

“Steal me away?” She smiles wider. “What did you have in mind?”

I didn’t have anything in mind when I said it, but suddenly there’s an easy and perfect answer. “I want to take you shopping.”

Instantly, she withdraws. Not physically, aside from the slightest flinch, but walls come down between us. Gods, I can almost see the poisonous whispers in the back of her mind, can imagine their shape and viciousness.

“Belladonna.” I don’t mean to put a snap into my voice, but it works—she meets my eyes, and she’s here with me, not with them in that dark past. I hold her gaze. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I will never force you into anything. But before you say no, I would like you to take a moment and think about what you really want—not what you think you should want.”

She sighs and flops onto her back. “I’m that transparent?”

“In some ways.” In others, I feel like no matter how hard I strive, I can’t quite reach her. “If you don’t want to go shopping, we can do something else.”

She’s silent long enough that I know she’s actually thinking about it, which is all that I ask. Finally, she nods. “I do want this. I can’t promise that I won’t go dark during the process, but I’ll do my best to be in the moment instead of worrying about what I should be doing.” She takes my hand and laces her fingers through mine. “Though if you really want to keep me distracted, I can think of a few ways.”

I almost tease her about being insatiable, but I don’t want that to come across as a criticism, so I just press her down onto the bed. We have plenty of daylight left. No reason not to enjoy ourselves?.?.?.

It’sa full two hours later when we finally manage to shower off the evidence of our time in bed and dress. Belladonna has a secret smile that pulls at the edges of her lips whenever she looks at me, and I find myself returning it without thought. Giddiness takes hold as I lead her to the portal tucked away in the basement, behind armored guards. The portal that conveys us to Azazel’s city-state.

Ramanu is waiting for us the moment we step through, their smile self-satisfied, as if they’ve won a bet. “Good morning. You look like you slept?.?.?. well.”

I roll my eyes. “Yes, yes, you’re very observant. We’re here for a day trip.”

“Of course.” They motion gracefully for the door. “I’ll escort you out of the castle. When you’re ready to return to the portal, ask one of the guards at the door to fetch me.”

Belladonna watches them with wide eyes, but there’s no fear coloring her desires. There’s more a caution that makes me think Ramanu found some time to poke holes in the “truths” drilled into her from birth. They guide us through the corridors to a large arched double door. “Azazel may be free by the time you’re done.”

“Tell him not to worry himself on my account.” Even as I say it, I know there’s no escaping this. It was all but fated from the moment I decided to bring Belladonna here. He’s going to want to check on her personally, and I can’t fault him for his concern even if I resent it. She’s not his, not any longer. I don’t give a fuck what the contract says.

“You know better.” Ramanu laughs a little. “Enjoy the city. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Belladonna doesn’t speak until we’re well away from the castle. The city always seems to be bustling, demons going about their business. She watches everything with interest for several blocks before glancing at me. “They’re the only one I’ve seen with?.?.?.” She motions to her eyes.

“Ramanu is half bargainer demon and half gargoyle.”

“Oh.” She says it slowly. “What happens if human is added to the mix?”

I should have known we wouldn’t be able to avoid this question indefinitely. I wrap up my frustration and tuck it away. “Humans have a tendency to birth babies more humanoid than not, regardless of their partner. It’s how all the peoples of this realm came to be.”

“What?”

This is easier to talk about. Preferable, even. I slide my arm around her shoulders and tuck her against my body as we walk. “I’m sure you’ve noticed that most of us here are humanoid, give or take some tentacles and a tail or two. It’s because some ancestor of yours wandered on the wild side and fucked a dragon, or a kraken, or a gargoyle, or?.?.?. well, fire and shadows.”

Her eyes are massive in her face as she says, “Your ancestors are fire and shadows.”

“And lust.” I laugh. “Legend has it that we were more incorporeal in those days, living mostly in dreams. I’m not sure how my ancestors surpassed that barrier to impregnate a human—or be impregnated by one—but it happened, and often enough that here we are, all these generations later.”

Belladonna seems a little shell-shocked as I guide her into the first store, a suit shop that I favor when I have cause to be in the city. She stops just inside the door. “Wait, I suppose I could understand incubi and succubi, but you also said dragons and kraken. Weren’t they?.?.?.” She holds her arms wide.

“Yes.”

If anything, her eyes get wider. “That’s?.?.?. How did that work?”

“That, little one, is a question for another day.”