Chapter 29

Asuitcase was waiting by the door when Eloise got home. Nate’s laptop case was sitting on the sideboard, his passport and a handful of American money scattered next to it.

“What’s going on?” she asked, dropping her keys into the bowl she’d made. Eloise was immediately alert, the tension in the air pushing the fatigue from her body.

Nate entered the room with his toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste in his hands. She knew it was bad when he avoided her eyes.

“This is such shitty timing,” he said to the sideboard, “but I’ve got to go to the States.”

She could blame her shocked laugh on the emotional rollercoaster she’d been riding all day. Or the five cups of coffee she’d drunk. The orgasm hangover from last night. The relief Joanie was going to be okay, but seriously, what the actual fuck?

“But what about Charlie’s wedding?” What about me? What about last night?Why won’t you look at me? were what she really wanted to ask.

Nate focused on winding his charger cable into a small circle. “I’ll be back in time for the wedding.”

“I don’t understand.”

He flicked her a quick look before lowering his gaze to his bags, fussing with a zip. “This deal with Jemima Jenkins isn’t quite the slam dunk we thought it was. Garrett’s been harassing me for ages to come along, and I think he’s right. This could be huge for me, and I need to focus on what’s next for my career. It could really open up new doors and new opportunities. I know you understand that.”

Oof.There was no missing the subtext in that statement. Eloise shoved her hands into the pockets of her winter coat. Seemed like there wasn’t much point taking it off.

“What about Echo?”

That stopped Nate in his tracks, the muscle in his jaw that she’d traced with her fingers and then her lips last night ticking.

“Mum and Dad said they’d look after her if you didn’t want to hang around here.”

Who was this man in front of her? She didn’t recognise a single thing about Nate James right now.

“Teddy’s going to run my training session for me.”

Eloise rolled her lips into her mouth and nodded absentmindedly. “Seems like you’ve thought of everything. When do you leave?”

“In a few hours.”

She was such an idiot. She pushed her fingers into the pockets of her jacket and curled her fingers around the satiny liner. “Were you going to leave me a note?”

Pain skittered across Nate’s face, but he pushed it away with his big hands. The ones that he’d touched her with, held her so close. Made her believe he was different. That they were different.

“A note? Jesus. No. I know this is sudden, but if I leave tonight, I’ll be back the day before the wedding.”

“Joanie should be out of hospital tomorrow,” Eloise said to the spot of the wall just to the left of his head. Looking at him would only make this worse. “I was thinking of staying at Mum’s so I can help them both, especially with all the last-minute stuff for the wedding. I’ll head there tonight instead.” No way was she staying here on her own surrounded by the memories she’d so foolishly thought meant something to them both, not just her.

“Sure.”

Sure? Talk about waving a red flag at a bull. Eloise imagined steam shooting out of her nostrils, daggers from her eyes. But what was the point? If he could discard her so easily, she wouldn’t let him know how much it hurt.

Nate nodded and continued organising his stuff.

This was really it.

“I’ll be out of your hair in a few minutes.” Eloise cleared her throat, squared her shoulders. Promised herself that she could fall apart later. Right now, she just needed to keep her tone even. “Last night was fun, but I think it’d be best if we agree it shouldn’t happen again. You’re busy, clearly. I’m leaving. I mean, now, obviously, and for my exchange. And I need to spend as much time with Joanie as I can. Help her get back on her feet before I go. I can’t afford any distractions.”

If someone had told her this was how her day would end, Eloise would’ve laughed and asked what they’d been smoking. This reality was so far removed from all the scenarios she’d imagined, she couldn’t find the words to verbalise how preposterous it was because it didn’t make sense.

What had happened between this morning and now? They’d spent hours at the hospital, and Nate had seemed fine until he disappeared.

“Okay,” Nate mumbled. Having everything they’d shared reduced to just one word was the final nail in the coffin, and Eloise stalked down the hallway, determined not to look back.

* * *

“This is a surprise,”Mary said when she opened the door before Eloise had even got her keys out of her bag.

“I thought I’d stay here for a few days; help keep Joanie company.”

Mary eyed the bags at Eloise’s feet. One was barely closed, a jumper sleeve peeking out of the gap in the zip.

“What about Nate?” Mary asked slowly.

“He had a thing. He’s gone to the States for a few days. He’ll be back by Friday.”

“Nate had ‘a thing’?”

There was the teeniest fragment of comfort in knowing she wasn’t the only one confused about what had happened.

“Yep.” The ‘p’ popped, and Mary’s eyebrows rose.

“I see.”

Great. Maybe her mum could explain it later because Eloise still had no idea what had changed so drastically between them.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Eloise shook her head. What good would come from that?

“Then how about we finish putting together the new bonbonnieres?” Mary asked as she ushered Eloise inside. “I’d like to forget today ever happened as well.”

Her mother always knew the right thing to say or do.

“That sounds good.” She offered Mary a weak smile.

“Leave your bags here. Your dad will move them into the spare room for you. He’s been rattling around the place after being cooped up at the hospital all day.”

* * *

It was Tuesday,but it should’ve been Wednesday. Morning instead of night. And Nate was here, in New York City, when he should’ve been at home with Eloise. He accepted the coffee Garrett’s assistant passed him. Ten more of these and maybe he’d be able to function today. There wasn’t a single cloud in the summer sky, and the expansive city skyline showed off everything it was famous for through the large windows. What Nate wouldn’t have given to be back where he belonged.

Except he didn’t really belong there, did he?

With his family who only knew what he’d told them. With Eloise, whom he’d treated so poorly. He blinked and lowered his gaze to the steaming cup in his hand. The coffee was too hot, too bitter. His stomach rumbled, and he regretted not stopping to get a bagel or muffin, but he hadn’t been able to stomach the thought of all the people and the frenetic pace everyone associated with New York City. He hadn’t even taken his phone off airplane mode yet.

Nate exhaled slowly and tapped at the screen. No sense delaying the inevitable. A text lit up his phone screen, and he opened Teddy’s message, reading the chain he’d received over the last twenty-four hours from his brothers.

Teddy: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate. Why did I wake up to a message from you asking me to cover your training session? Does ‘I’ve had to go to the States’ mean you’re in the US because WTAF, dude? How’s Eloise? And Joan? Mum’s a mess.

Raff: Dad says it’s a big business deal. He’s back Friday AM.

Teddy: No shit, huh. So, he’s seriously on a plane right now.

Owen: What’s really going on, Nate? Alice isn’t real happy with you right now.

Raff: Which means Owen’s not real happy with you, FYI. You’ve upset his girl.

Teddy: I don’t think I’m all that happy with you either, Nathaniel. What’s with this mystery disappearing act? Big crisis in the book world? Or something else …

Raff: My money’s on something else.

Teddy: Or someone else. Perhaps the pretty brunette that he’s been in love with for years? Just a guess, especially if Alice is pissed at him. Spill the tea, O!

Owen: Just give us a call when you can, mate. We’re here to help if you need it.

Garrett’s door opened, his footsteps mingling with the clackety-clack of high heels.

“You’ve got a visitor,” Garrett’s secretary, a typical New York City glamazon, said. Hair perfectly smooth, her lips painted bright red to match the pantsuit she was wearing.

“What are you doing here?” Garrett said when he saw Nate. “Dude, you look like shit.”

Nate stood, his knees creaking from the effort, wincing when the sun blinded him. “Came straight from the airport.”

“To tell me that you love me?” Garrett cast a sceptical gaze over him.

To stop myself from telling Eloise that I love her. Ruining her future.

“For the lunch with Jemima Jenkins.”

“Looking like that? I don’t think so.” Garrett gestured towards what Nate knew were the bags under his eyes. He’d flown economy because assholes who broke beautiful girl’s hearts didn’t deserve any better and he’d been lucky to get any seat at such short notice. Garrett’s loud sigh echoed around the reception area. “Come on, mate.” He dragged the ‘a’ sound out, his attempt at an Australian accent so bad it should’ve been funny. But nothing was ever going to be funny again.

Heartbreak blew.

“You can use my bathroom to clean up. Have you eaten?”

Nate shook his head.

“Leave it with me. Let’s get you all pretty, and then you can tell me what the fuck is going on.”

* * *

A blisteringhot shower and several everything bagels later, Nate was sitting at Garrett’s favourite restaurant. Crisp, white linens covered the tables, and sunlight streamed through the glass ceiling making all the crystal goblets shine. A never-ending throng of people hustled past the windows. Walking through the crowded sidewalks had been brutal. The volume of people, the pace … Nate’s head pounded.

“Here we go,” Garrett muttered and stood. Nate followed suit, fixing an interview-ready smile on his face.

“This is a surprise,” Jemima Jenkins said, flicking her blonde curls over her shoulder before shaking their hands. “I thought you couldn’t make it.” There was a hint of teasing warmth to her tone like she couldn’t believe someone wouldn’t rearrange their schedule just to meet with her, which made sense considering the whole restaurant was staring at their table. She just had no idea what the real reason was.

“And miss the opportunity to celebrate such a great partnership? Nate would never.” Garrett sure was laying on the charm.

“What he said.” Nate hitched his thumb towards Garrett, certain he would’ve received an eye roll if Jemima Jenkins wasn’t standing right in front of them with two bodyguards and three assistants.

“Sit, sit, please.” Garrett pulled out a chair for Jemima and gestured for the white-jacket-clad waiter to bring over the drinks.

“It’s nice to meet you in person finally.” Jemima accepted a tall flute filled with pink champagne. Nate would bet it was her favourite. Garrett was always all over that sort of stuff.

“You, too.” The words were woolly, hard to get out, and Nate could pretend jetlag was to blame, but he knew the truth. His heart wasn’t in this. It was back home cursing him for being such an ass.

But it’s better this way.

“Shall we get the formalities out of the way so we can celebrate properly?” Garrett asked.

Jemima Jenkins smiled over the top of her drink. “A go-getter. I like it. Reminds me of myself when I first started out.”

“A deal’s only a deal once the ink is dry.” Garrett winked, lifting his tan leather Hermès briefcase to the table. He undid the clasp and pulled out the contracts. “Nate was just telling me about how excited he is to see the Smoky Mountain Killers hit the small screen. How it’s a real dream come true.”

He winced when Garrett elbowed him. “I’m looking forward to seeing how your production company adapts it.”

Jemima Jenkins accepted the pen one of her assistants passed her, thumbing through the contract until she found the first sign here tab. “We’ve got a lot of great ideas. I think your readers will be very happy. And you. We’re going to make a lot of money together, Nate, and I like making money. Don’t you?”

Nate sipped his water, trying to quell the bitter taste in his belly. It was irrational and irresponsible to act like money wasn’t important, but he genuinely couldn’t have given a flying fuck if he never made another dollar in his life. Was that made easier because he had enough in his bank account to retire very comfortably now? Yes, it was. But did it make him happy? Would it keep him satisfied until his days were done?

No. It sure as shit wouldn’t.

His palm tightened around his glass, drops of condensation from the cold glass pressing into his skin. This is what he had to look forward to. More meetings like this. Writing other books he thought his readers would like. Being the person everyone thought he was instead of the person he wanted to be because he was too scared to try. To really let people in.

This wasn’t the way Nate wanted to live his life. Like it was a lie.

Like I’m a lie.

He blinked and realised everyone at the table was staring at him.

“I fucked up,” Nate said, unable to stop the words from coming out.

Garrett’s attempt at an easy laugh was abysmal. It was a honking sound, too loud, too big. “He’s delirious with jetlag. Only got off the plane a few hours ago. His best friend’s getting married this weekend and the big guy is the best man, so the timings are tight. Just sign the contract, buddy. You know the one you came all the way from Australia for?”

“I’m not a big guy,” Nate mumbled before pressing the heel of his palms into his eyes. “I shouldn’t be here.”

Visions of Eloise on his couch, in his arms, laughing up at him as she teased him about being such a Dorothy or a Blanche or a Rose filled his mind. Apparently, he was all The Golden Girls at different times. Then he remembered how she’d curl into him, her big brown eyes looking at him for guidance, for support. And now, when she needed him most, he was sitting on the other side of the world, going through the motions because that was his fail-safe move. The one that he’d decided was all he could ever have. Nate’s chest ached, and he pulled at his tie.

Garrett gripped his arm. “Would you excuse us? Nate’s clearly having a medical issue.”

Nate shook his head. “I shouldn’t be here,” he repeated.

“With Jemima Jenkins? Signing a deal that could secure your family’s financial future?” Garrett clicked his fingers in front of Nate’s face. “I need you to focus, buddy.”

“That’s not what I mean. I don’t care about the deal.”

“Not better,” Garrett hissed.

“I mean, shit. I’m sorry.” Nate turned to Jemima Jenkins, who was watching him with interest. “I really do think it’s great. It’s going to be a way to reach new readers and add another layer of creativity and exposure that I never imagined would be possible. This”—he cleared his throat and reached for the pen next to his fork—“freak out has nothing to do with that.”

“Why don’t you tell me what it’s about then?” Jemima Jenkins asked while he scribbled something like his signature on the dotted line.

“Turns out I’m an idiot, and I’ve ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Eloise?” she asked.

Nate dropped the pen, ignoring the little ting when it hit his side plate. “That obvious, huh?”

“I figured she was special if you dedicated and wrote a whole romance about her.”

Oh. “That was a mistake. No one was ever meant to see it.”

Jemima Jenkins placed her glass down on the table carefully and when she spoke, her tone was soft and even, but there was a hint of steeliness to it, like she wouldn’t let him lie to her. No wonder she was so damn successful. “It felt like a very personal story. Like there was more on the page than just words. I won’t blow smoke up your ass, but I’ll be honest. It’s been a while since a book made me feel so much. I’d publish it in a heartbeat if you’d let me.”

Nate shook his head. “It’s not for sale.” He’d never do that to Eloise. Exploit what they’d shared for professional gain.

“Why?”

“Because it’s not fiction. Not to me, at least, and it isn’t my story to tell.”

“Not because you think people will tease you for writing romance?” Jemima Jenkins jutted her chin forward, challenge dancing in her eyes. “Make fun of a man for acknowledging his feelings, showing the world that it’s okay to be vulnerable? Sounds like an opportunity if you ask me.”

An opportunity to be himself or, more accurately, who he wanted to be. The guy who stood up for what he wanted and didn’t pay attention to any of the noise because it didn’t matter.

“How’d you fuck it all up?” Jemima Jenkins helped herself to the breadbasket in the middle of the table and tore some sourdough into smaller pieces before dipping it into a small dish of olive oil.

“I panicked and left when she needed me.” Like a coward. God, Nate hated himself so much right now.

Jemima chewed slowly. “So, you say you’re sorry. Make it right.”

“It gets worse.”

The shrewd expression on Jemima Jenkins’s face was terrifying, or maybe it was just admitting out loud what he’d done.

“I haven’t been completely honest with her.”

When her eyebrows rose, Nate rushed to correct himself. “Not like that. Just hid parts of myself away. I do it with everyone. I only show people what I think they want to see because I don’t deserve to complain. Look how blessed my life is.”

“Of course you deserve to complain,” Garrett interjected. “You’re human, just like everyone else.”

“I should’ve told her the truth, but instead, I kept trying to keep what we shared quiet and small so it wouldn’t hurt so much when she realised I wasn’t good enough for her.”

Jemima Jenkins settled her hand on Nate’s arm, and the touch was so maternal, so caring, he had to blink a few times. “Just tell her the truth and see what she says. Otherwise, you’ll never know.”

“Her grandmother had a heart attack and I left. Ran to the other side of the world.”

“Oh, so you went scorched earth with it all, huh? Bold.” She shook her head at him, the whisper of teasing back in her tone. “Sounds to me like you have somewhere else to be.”

Nate was already pushing his chair back and standing. He needed to get on a plane. Again.

“I might be able to help,” Jemima said. “But there’s a catch.”

Nate paused, his fingers hovering over the screen of his mobile with a flight search page already open.

“I want you to make yourself as loud as you can be. The world needs more people to be their authentic selves and go after what they want. And then you can write me a romance so we can make even more money together. Think you can do that?”

Nate licked his lips. “I can try.”