Chapter 26

26

Colin

I can't stop thinking about Ash. That's nothing new, but normally it's all happy thoughts—how fun he is or how good he makes me feel. The way his smile could keep me warm on the coldest of days and how good it feels to have him in my arms. The way he makes me laugh and feel like I'm important. How laughing with Ash is better than anything else in the world—okay, maybe tied with how good it feels to fuck him.

But all I can think about now is the way he looked at me when I left. The fear in his eyes that matches the fear that's lived in my gut, in my chest, and taken over my mind since we got off the Zoom call with Mom.

I'm not supposed to make Ash feel that way.

It's my job to make him feel better.

I always want to be the person who makes him feel better.

"T, I think your friend is broken." Atlas pokes at my arm with his finger .

Troy snaps in front of my face. "Hello? Colin? Anyone home?"

"Ha-ha." I shake my head, then lean back in the chair. We're at the square table in Atlas's dining room, the two of them flanking me. Books and laptops are laid out in front of us, but I'm doing a shitty job at studying for finals. Maybe equally as bad as being a boyfriend right now. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

"Maybe we should call Ash. He's like a shot of caffeine for Colin anytime he's in the room," Troy adds. I know he's trying to make me smile, but it's not working. I'm being a mopey idiot and I know it.

"No, don't call Ash."

"Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise? Not everyone can be as good together as me and T," Atlas boasts.

"Don't be a dick," Troy playfully scolds his boyfriend, who pumps his brows at him.

"But you think it's hot."

"Good point. Do it again," Troy replies.

I know Atlas isn't trying to be a jerk and really just wants to distract me or make me smile, but I can't do it. "Can we get back to me here? I'm freaking out, and the two of you are engaging in some kind of weird foreplay. You look like you're going to go at it on the table at any minute."

"Would be a good show," Atlas says. "Here, let me move some of this stuff first. "

"Not as good as me and Ash." My heart flutters. "God, I love Ash." I bang my head against the table a couple of times.

"Um…maybe I should go. I'm not sure how good I would be at this." Atlas scoots his chair out from the table, but I snap my head up.

"Wait."

"Fuck. Almost made it." He sits back down. I know he's not being serious. This is just how Atlas is.

"What's going on, Col?" Troy sets his hand on my arm. "You and Ash are perfect for each other. I'm not sure there's anyone more fitted to be together than you." Atlas growls. "Other than me and A."

"That's better." Atlas crosses his arms, and okay, I smile. I can't help it.

"I know we are. Ash is my person. That's what makes all this so scary."

Troy's forehead wrinkles. "What do you mean? You're not the type to run from a commitment."

"No. That's not it at all. I'm not afraid of being serious with him. I'm afraid of losing him."

I glance back and forth between them, and they're looking at me like I'm the world's biggest idiot.

"This might be me being a dick again, but have you seen you and Ash together? Have you seen the way he looks at you? Do you know the way you worship the ground he walks on? I don't think you're going to lose him."

"What Atlas said, only not as douchey," Troy adds.

"But that doesn't mean anything. Not really. Shit happens. My parents were best friends growing up. They were each other's first everything, and they didn't work. And what happens if that's me and Ash? I don't know how to lose him. It would feel like losing a part of myself—fuck, like my heart or lungs or something I can't be without."

"So you're just going to pull away from him? Makes perfect sense. Solid plan," Atlas says.

I turn to Troy. "I'm going to kill your boyfriend."

"Do you want me to hold him down?"

I chuckle, though I don't feel it in my gut. "I know it's confusing, but we told my mom. I didn't expect anything but support, but she brought up all this shit, and now I can't stop thinking about all the things that can go wrong."

"You should try thinking about all the things that can go right." Atlas shrugs. "Seems more like the type of person you are."

Something about hearing him say that—maybe because it's Atlas and it's so unlike him, maybe because it shows that even he sees me, this guy who doesn't like to show he cares about anyone but Troy—but all I know is that it rings some kind of bell inside me.

He's right .

This isn't like me.

This isn't who I am.

Troy says, "I've known you for a long time, and you've never been the type to throw in the towel. I can't imagine why you would do it now, when all that's going to do is make you lose the person you love the most."

"I'm not throwing in the towel. I would never do that with Ash. I'd do anything for him. Anything to make it work with him. He's it for me. Forever. I…oh…"

" Ding, ding, ding! I think he's got it!" Atlas does a mock cheer, but I ignore him.

What the hell am I doing? Why would I keep this stuff to myself? Being scared is one thing—it's normal to be frightened when something really matters—but not sharing it with Ash is inexcusable. It goes against the essence of who we are. All it's going to do is put a wedge between us. The very thing I'm afraid of is the thing that I'm making happen…

"I gotta go." I grab my backpack and start shoving shit inside. I can't believe I've been so stupid. I'm hurting Ash because I'm scared, when all I have to do is tell him how I feel, and we can get through it together.

Communication is fucking awesome.

"Should I text the guys to leave the house tonight?" Troy teases, but I don't take the time to answer. I need to get home to my Ash .

I maybe drive a little too fast back to the frat house, hoping Ash is there. I can't believe I left this morning without making sure he knew everything is okay between us. Yes, I texted him later, but that's not the same.

Some of my tension eases when I pull up in front of the white, two-story house and see Ash's car out front.

I jump out of the car, and the second I'm inside, he's there, sitting on the bottom of the stairs like he was waiting for me. Ash shoves to his feet, his sweep of bangs slightly messier than usual.

"I love you!" we say at the same time, then laugh.

"Okay, we're kinda awesome," I add.

"More than kinda." Ash sits back down on the second step, and I join him.

"I'm sorry, Ash. I know I've been distant the past few days. It's not because of you. I've been scared…and I don't know why I didn't tell you that. It's what we do. What I do. I got upset at you for committing a Step Don't, and now I did the same."

"You're not perfect, Col."

"I want to be perfect for you," I admit. It's true. I want to be everything Ash needs.

"And you are. You're everything I want. Everything I need, but you'll make mistakes, and I will as well. I've been distant with you too. Neither of us talked to the other. We both stewed in our emotions and didn't do the one thing we do best…well, that and sex. "

"We're fucking great at that too." We laugh together.

"Seriously, though. These things are going to happen, Col. That's what being in a relationship is, but we can't lose sight of who we are and what makes us us . That's how we'll stick together, how we'll make it work—by being open and honest with each other."

I nod, knowing he's right.

"I talked to my mom. I didn't tell her about us, but she knew."

Wow. Lauren knew about us? I'm surprised she saw it, but then maybe she sees more than she shares. "Is everything okay?" I reach over and grab his hand. "She didn't make you feel bad, did she?"

"No. She was great actually…well, as great as she can be. She supports us. She believes in us, but she also reminded me that this is life—maybe we'll work out and maybe we won't, but that's true of any relationship. That doesn't mean we throw in the towel now. We fight for each other, and we fight together."

I rub my cheek against his. "You be the realistic one, and I'll be the idealistic one, because that works for us. We fit together that way, and as the idealistic one, I'm going to remind you that we will work. That we will be together forever. We won't lose each other because that's not us, Ash. Together, we're the ultimate Step Do. "

He grins, like seriously a smile so big that I think it might swallow his face. "That's so cheesy. "

"Bet it made your pulse speed up. You can't pretend you don't love that shit."

"I love it from you…my Big Man."

"My little perv." I take Ash's mouth with mine. My tongue pushes past his lips, needily, hungrily.

Our mouths don't part as he moves forward, sitting on my lap and straddling me on the stairs. He grabs for my hair, knocking my cap off as we move together, swallowing each other's needy noises.

I'm pretty sure all the blood in my body rushes straight to my groin, cock going hard as stone behind my track pants. I grab his ass, pulling him closer. "Touch me."

"What if I don't want to? What if I want to make you suffer…wait…" He dances his fingers slowly down my torso.

"Please…" I don't care how fucking needy I sound for him. I am.

Just as he hits the bottom of my shirt, his hand pressing against my cock, the front door shoves open.

"Oh fuck. Not again. You two are the horniest sons of bitches I've ever known." Lance comes into the house, followed by Payton, and surprisingly, Brenner and Taylor.

"We were gonna have makeup sex," I tease.

"Very funny. You two don't fight," Payton replies.

"They probably fake-fight just so they can make up again," Lance adds.

"I'm trying to get over the not-again part. Is this a thing you guys do? Walk in on them having sex?" Brenner asks.

"Only if you're lucky." I wink.

"I mean, if you're looking for an audience, I'd take one for the team. I think Tay has been curious lately. What do you say? Wanna have us watch you and Ash together?" Brenner pumps his brows at his friend.

"You're ridiculous, and I think there's something wrong with you," Taylor replies, but I swear his cheeks look slightly pink.

The group heads into the kitchen, and I give my attention back to Ash, where it belongs.

Chuckling, I press my forehead to Ash's, his hand coming up to cup my face. "You're going to make me wait now, aren't you? Just to be mean."

Ash grins. "You know me so well…and you fucking love it."

"Love it. Love you," I reply.

"I know…and it might not always be easy, but I believe in us."

There's a good chance my heart actually melts. "I believe in us too. Now let's go hang out with our friends, so you can sexually torture me before dragging me to our room and having your way with my cock."

Ash beams. "I can't wait."

"Me neither."