Chapter 24

24

Colin

A sh and I have been living in this perfect bubble, where it's either just us, or us and our friends, now that they know about us. It felt safe telling them, and I'd shout from the rooftops that Ash is mine, but seeing Mrs. Raeger was a wake-up call. I want to step out of this bubble we're in. I'm ready for our parents to know, but I don't want them to find out from someone else, not only because it's not fair to them, but because there's nothing wrong with Ash and me being together. Not telling them makes me feel like we think there is.

I make my way downstairs on Sunday morning.

Ash is sitting with Lance, Payton, and Marty in the living room. Frat Cat is on his lap in the armchair. I nuzzle Ash's neck from behind. "I'm jealous. I think Frat Cat loves you more."

"Aw, he loves his Daddy Colin."

"Oooh, that's hot. Say Daddy Colin again," I joke, earning a snicker from Ash .

"Please don't. I'm begging you not to say that again," Payton says from the couch.

"Go see Daddy Colin ." Ash hands Frat Cat to me.

"Good boy," I tease, cuddling the kitten to my chest. Ash gets up from the chair, and I follow him into the kitchen. "What are you doing today?"

"You, I assume."

I chuckle.

"Though I'd rather you do me."

"That can definitely be arranged." I sit at the counter while Ash pours himself a glass of orange juice. I snag it and take a drink. "Oops."

"That was for you."

"That's sweet." He knows I like my OJ in the mornings. "My boyfriend is the best."

"Obviously." Ash walks around the counter and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "You can always tell me again, though."

Another laugh slips past my lips. "My boyfriend is the best."

Ash leans in and kisses me. "What are we doing today? Besides each other. Tomorrow is a busy day since we both have school and work."

"I have a Zoom with Mom in, like, an hour. I was hoping you'd want to join me so we can tell her about us, like we talked about. We can plan when we'll tell Dad and Lauren after that."

Ash nods, but then asks, "You're sure you want me with you? I don't mind being there. I just want you to be sure."

I frown. "I always want you with me."

The smile that stretches across his face is breathtakingly beautiful. It's wild to me that I can make him feel that way, but it's also the best feeling in the world.

"I guess we're lucky I feel the same."

"Come on. Let's get ready." I grab my glass of OJ and take it upstairs with us. We take a quick shower, get dressed, then hang out for a while, waiting for it to be time to meet with my mom. Frat Cat runs around the room like someone slipped him catnip.

"Are you nervous?" Ash asks.

I shake my head. "Nah. It'll work out. Everyone knows how close we are, and really, our parents just want us to be happy."

"Yeah, me too."

"We'll be okay, my little perv. I promise."

"I know." Ash pulls up the second computer chair, and we sit at the desk. I log in to Zoom. It's just a couple of minutes before Mom is joining. We have the same bright-blue eyes and the same smile, but my brown hair comes from Dad—Mom's being a more blond color.

"Hey, you," I say. Her gaze darts back and forth between me and Ash. "I dragged this guy to hang out with us today. "

"I hope that's okay," Ash says, and I reach under the table, placing my hand on his thigh.

"Of course it is. How have you been?" Mom asks, and I let out a sigh of relief. I'd told him I wasn't nervous, and really, I'm not—or at least I haven't been until I saw the way Mom was looking at us.

Maybe Mrs. Raeger already told her.

Maybe I was wrong and our parents won't understand.

I push those thoughts aside while Ash gives Mom an update on his life—well, minus the biggest change.

When they're finished, I find Ash's hand, hold it in support, and say, "There's actually a reason I wanted Ash here with me today. This might come as a shock, especially since I haven't even told you I'm queer, but Ash and I…we're together now."

Mom doesn't answer right away, again looking back and forth between us—that same expression as when we first got onto the call.

Oh. She knew.

Mrs. Raeger already got to her.

"I know it's probably confusing," Ash starts. "Being stepbrothers makes things complicated, but I love Colin. He's been my best friend from the first day I met him, and now he's more. He's everything."

My heart bangs at my chest, running a million miles an hour. It doesn't matter that I've heard him say similar things to me before; every time feels like the first time, making a riot of butterflies dance around in my chest.

"Ash is everything to me too," I admit, our grip tight on each other.

Mom sighs, and I know that sound. Anyone who has a parent probably knows that sound, and it's not one we want to be hearing right now. It makes my heart slow down and drop to my belly. Just moments ago, it would've never occurred to me that we wouldn't have our parents' support. Maybe that's naive of me. Maybe it's not the way it works, but it's the way it should work.

"Mom?" I'm pretty sure Ash is holding his breath.

"That's my worry," she finally says, making my brows pull together in confusion.

"What's your worry?"

"How important you are to each other. From the moment you met, you've been inseparable—two peas in a pod. That's sweet. I know how much you mean to each other, and I hate to even mention it, but what if it doesn't work?"

I roll my eyes. "Why wouldn't it work? We love each other."

I feel Ash stiffen beside me, like maybe this is making more sense to him than it is to me. Like maybe my mom's not pulling ridiculous reasons out of the air, which is all I see.

"You don't think your father and I loved each other? Hell, Colin. You've heard the stories. We grew up best friends, much like you and Ash." They'd known each other even longer. Played together, learned to ride bikes together. Shared their first kisses, their first everything, and then one day, they realized things changed. That they loved each other but weren't in love with each other and maybe never were.

"My parents too," Ash says. "They thought they would work, and they didn't."

"So? That doesn't mean it would happen to us. I can't believe you said that, Mom." I turn to Ash. "We're fine. Nothing is going to change between us."

Mom speaks before he can. "I'm not trying to hurt either of you. You know I love you both and will support you both, but I'm trying to be realistic here. You two are so important to each other. You're not just boyfriends and best friends, but stepbrothers. Have you considered what would happen if it doesn't work out? What you have to lose?"

"That's a risk in every relationship."

"But the stakes are higher here. I hate saying this. I'm not trying to be the bad guy, but romantic relationships fail often, even the ones that aren't supposed to, like mine and your father's, and what would that mean for the two of you?"

"You and Dad get along fine," I argue.

Why isn't Ash talking? Why isn't he saying anything ?

"We do, but it was rocky at first, and maybe that's a risk you two are willing to take. I just don't feel like I'd be doing either of you any favors by pretending this can't blow up in our faces. You would be crushed if anything happened between the two of you."

She's right, I would be, but that's not a reason for us not to be together, is it? But then I think of Dad and Lauren too. If Ash and I broke up, would it cause problems for them? What if it has a domino effect, and things between us pull Dad and Lauren apart too? I would never forgive myself for that.

Family holidays, get-togethers, the bond I have with Ash, the way we never lie to each other… What if this messes up everything?

When neither of us reply, Mom says, "I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I know how exciting a new relationship can be. We have all those good feelings, and you're filled with hope for the future, and I just think it's really important that you consider the consequences."

The air in the room is thick. I'm still not sure Ash is even breathing beside me. I let go of his hand, wrap an arm around him, and pull him close. I say a silent prayer that he comes easily. "We're going to be fine. Ash and I are different."

"And I hope so, but just think about it, okay? Both of you. "

We nod, but neither of us replies. The mood is heavy, my chest tight. I was so excited to share this with her, to tell everyone that Ash is mine, and now I don't know what to think.

What if Dad and Lauren feel the same? What if this changes everything but not in a good way?

What if I lose my best friend?

My stepbrother?

My Ash?

I don't know if I could be like Mom and Dad, don't know if I could handle seeing Ash move on with someone else, not after finally having him.

"I think we'll go," I tell Mom. Maybe I should play this a different way, pretend none of it happened, but I can't talk to her right now.

"I'm so sorry, boys. I feel awful. Maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself."

"It's fine. Me and Ash are fine. I love you."

"Goodbye, Lacey," Ash says to her, a smile on his face that I know isn't real.

"I'll talk to you both soon, okay?"

"Bye, Mom." I end the session before she can say anything else.

Neither of us speaks for a moment. We don't look at each other. It's Ash who finally says, "I didn't expect that."

"Me neither." I grab his hand and tug him to the bed with me. "Come'ere."

Falling onto my back, Ash comes down on top of me, holding me close. "She's right, Col. This could end badly. If somehow we had a bad breakup, what if our parents felt obligated to choose sides?"

"We won't," I reply, forcing the words from my tongue.

"I'm sure neither of our parents thought that either."

Everything Ash is saying is true, even if I don't want to believe it.

"I can't lose what we have, Col…what we had before this."

"We won't," I say, trying to make myself believe it.

"We can't guarantee that."

"We won't," I say again.

And now here I am, committing a huge Step Don't…because I'm scared. I'm worried that what my mom said is true, and I don't tell Ash.