Chapter 20
20
Atlas
Iwake up the next morning with a naked Troy in bed beside me. It’s…fucking strange? Totally inappropriate? Confusing? Also…hot…as…hell. And something I wouldn’t mind to have keep happening.
My ass is sore from the pounding he gave me last night, something I’ve definitely never experienced after a night of sex. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened. It’s like, part of me feels it was inevitable. The tension between us had been like a pressure cooker, the steam building and building until eventually it had to boil over.
“Are you really jealous?”
Troy’s question runs circles in my head. It’s a good fucking question. I’ve never been jealous with anyone I’ve slept with before, but…but none of them were Troy. I’ve thought it before, and I’ll probably think it again, but he’s different. I wish I understood it better.
I think about Glen, about how he snuck around behind my mom’s back and then broke her heart. Troy’s not that kind of guy. He wouldn’t cheat, but then, I don’t think Mom ever thought Glen would either. But the thought of trusting someone like that—getting close and letting them in only for them to crush you—makes my skin feel like it’s breaking out in hives.
I don’t even know why I’m thinking about all that. It’s not like Troy and I have feelings for each other besides liking to get off together.
But then, why does the thought of anyone else having their hands on him make me feel like I’m getting thrown into a meat grinder? Why do my thoughts always circle around him, and I get into fights for him, and I crave him so damn much?
“Stop thinking so hard. If you think hard, then I’ll feel like I need to think hard.”
I smile, turning over to face him. “Pfft. Look at you over here acting like you’re gonna be thinking about anything other than my hole.”
“And your cock,” he replies, which I hadn’t expected.
“Oh yeah? That’s good because you know I’m gonna want to dick you down too.”
“Obviously. And you might learn something,” he tosses back.
“That’s not what you were saying last night. I’ve never had it so good, best hole ever, I don’t think I’ll ever fuck anyone else without comparing him to you! I’m not worthy of your ass,” I tease, earning an eye roll from Troy.
“Whatever you have to keep telling yourself, A.”
Deciding to play with him a little, I crawl over his naked body, letting our skin brush, thrusting against him before getting out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Troy calls after me as I walk away.
“Gotta take a piss.”
“And you couldn’t get out of the bed on your side?”
“Where’s the fun in that?” I close the door behind me before taking a few breaths. That little stunt got my dick going just as much as it did his.
I take a quick leak, then wash my hands. When I head back down the hallway, Troy is sitting on the edge of my bed with his underwear in his hands. His head is bent forward, looking toward the ground, much more serious than he’d been just a few minutes before.
Disappointment twists inside me, a windstorm trying to whip up the fear I pretend isn’t there. The one that tells me I’m not good enough, that he’s going to regret this, regret me, the way Glen did Mom, and hell, in a lot of ways, me.
“You can leave if you don’t want to be here.”
Troy’s head snaps up, brown hair mussed from sleep. “What are you talking about? Who said I want to leave?”
I shrug like it doesn’t matter to me. “I’m just letting you know it’s not a big deal if you do.”
As I’m pulling a pair of boxer briefs from my drawer, Troy comes up behind me, surprising me by wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Your I-don’t-give-a-fuck facade doesn’t work with me. Not anymore. I see you, A.”
I tense but don’t move away from him. I know, and I like it. It should be scarier than it is. “Nothing to see.”
“A whole lot to see, more than what’s in most people.”
Not more than what’s in him. That’s the thing with us: I see Troy too. Even before all this started, I saw him. He might think he’s covering it well, but I know how much the way his mom fawns over my dad hurts him, know that he feels like he doesn’t matter when she makes food she knows he hates or puts Brandon’s things away. He misses his brother, though he rarely talks about him, and he hurts because his dad walked away. Maybe it even makes Troy feel a little unwanted too.
“Can I ask you something?” he says, still holding on to me.
“I can tell by the sound of your voice that I’m going to wish you didn’t.”
“Why don’t you want anyone to know you volunteer?” he asks, and yep, called it.
I sigh, glad he’s behind me, that his chest is against my back and I can’t see his face. That makes it easier to talk, easier to say this to him. I would never answer the question with anyone else.
“I don’t know. It’s hard to put into words. I guess…I don’t like people to see me,” I say, remembering that he’d just said he did and I’m okay with it. But everyone else, if they see the real me and I’m not enough for them, the way I’m not enough for Glen, it would hurt more. “I just like to protect it.”
“You like to protect your heart.” Troy’s breath is warm against my neck, and I tremble.
Yes. I do. Those aren’t words I can force out, so I say, “Let’s eat,” rather than spilling all the shit that’s inside me: that I prefer people to think I’m an asshole to keep them at arm’s length; that showing them this piece of me is like cutting myself open so they see what’s really inside. “You can cook me breakfast. I think I deserve it after the way you railed my ass last night.”
Troy chuckles. “I didn’t hear you complaining, unless please, more, and harder don’t mean what I thought they did.”
“Please hurry up because you’re boring me. Harder because I couldn’t feel you.”
“Yeah. When you were calling out my name and coming, I’m sure that’s ’cause you couldn’t feel me,” he says playfully. We both tug on underwear, and I toss a pair of sweats to him, which Troy puts on. “I will cook you breakfast, though. I’m a gentleman. But I have to work half a shift today, so I can’t stay long.”
I nod. “I work this afternoon too.”
We head into the kitchen, where I don’t actually make Troy cook all the food. He makes pancakes while I scramble eggs. We sit at the small table instead of on the couch, where I usually eat.
“Are we really not gonna talk about it?” Troy asks.
“Nope.”
“The whole if-anyone-found-out thing…”
“Fuck everyone. It’s no one’s business but ours.”
But he’s right. Glen would blow a fucking gasket, which just pisses me off. Why can he treat people like shit, but Troy and I messing around would anger him? I don’t care, not really, but then deep down, part of me does because of Mom, because of the relationship she would want us to have.
“What are you thinking about?” He reaches over and fingers my hair. I want to burrow into his hand, want to kiss him and fuck him and tell him not to go. It’s ridiculous and frustrating what he does to me.
“Everything.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” When I give him a look that says fuck no, he chuckles. “I should have known.”
“Yes, you should have.”
We chat while we eat, Troy scrolling through Instagram at the same time. When I see a photo of Christian, the guy I fought with at the frat party last year, a growl rips from my throat.
“Um…what was that?”
“Why do you follow him? He’s a dick.”
I see the light bulb go off when he remembers the fight, the one that got me banned from his stupid frat parties.
“Wow. You really hate him, don’t you? You know, I don’t understand why you picked that fight with him. He’s just a random guy we know from parties. What’s the big deal?”
No, he wouldn’t understand, would he? Because I don’t want him to know, don’t want anything to hurt him.
I stand up and take our plates into the kitchen, setting them in the sink, then return to the table.
“What happened?” The way his voice lowers an octave, I can tell he knows it was more than a dumb fight. Fuck, I never should have said anything.
“Nothing.”
“What did he do?” Troy asks, and when I try to walk away, he grabs my wrist and tugs me closer, until I’m standing between his legs. He looks up at me from where he’s sitting on the chair. “Tell me, A.”
“Fuck him.”
He frowns, brows pulling together in confusion. “It’s about me, isn’t it? If it wasn’t, you would say. I know he’s an asshole, but whatever the reason you don’t like him, it has nothing to do with you, does it?”
That’s a difficult question to answer because it’s about Troy, and Troy is my business. If something is about him, it’s about me, but I’m not sure he’s ready to hear that or if I’m ready to say it.
“If you don’t tell me, I’ll find out on my own. I don’t care if I have to go to Christian about it.”
I groan, dropping my head back. The last thing I want is for him to talk to that prick, but I know Troy well. He won’t let this go. “He said some homophobic shit about you, and I handled it. That’s all that matters.”
I try to walk away again, but he doesn’t let me, his hold on my wrist tightening, and he looks up at me with an unreadable expression in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? You know the frat wouldn’t have banned you if they’d known.”
“Because it wasn’t their business, and I don’t give a fuck if I can’t go to their parties.” And I didn’t want you to know what he said. I didn’t want you to know that I won’t ever let anyone say anything bad about you.
“Yes, but it was about me, so it’s my business.”
“Because you shouldn’t have to hear that shit. He’s lucky if I don’t kick his ass again.” I pick Troy’s phone up and hit the Unfollow button.
He doesn’t argue, and when I set it down and turn around, I make it a few steps before I realize he’s not following me. “Let’s take a shower. We’ll jerk each other off.” I take one step, then another, and he still doesn’t move. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It is to me,” he says softly, then finally stands and comes my way. “Thank you.” Troy brushes his lips over mine. “For being you.”
“For getting into a fight and getting kicked out of a party?”
“For being a good person who sticks up for others.”
“Lies,” I tell him, when really his words fill some of the empty holes inside me. “Can we go have orgasms now? I deserve it after that.”
Troy laughs, kisses me again, and says, “Let’s go drain your balls.”
We jack each other off in the shower, Troy’s gaze never leaving mine. It’s intense…sexy…more. I can’t pretend the sex with Troy isn’t fucking great. I’ve definitely been missing out not being with a guy before, but somehow, I don’t think it would have been the same with anyone other than him.
Troy stalls while getting dressed and putting his shoes on. Maybe he thinks that when he leaves this would be over, or that I’m going to change my mind, or hell, maybe he’s going to change his. None of that is fucking happening. I haven’t gotten enough of him yet.
“I should go. I—umpf.” His back hits the door as I push my body against his. First I told him about Christian, and now this, but I can’t seem to control myself when it comes to him.
“I wasn’t fucking around about Ash…or anyone else touching you.”
His throat bobs. “I wasn’t kidding about anyone touching you either.”
“Good. We’re in agreement, then.” I get closer, my mouth a whisper away from him. “When you go on that date with Ash, I want you with me before you go. I want to come on you the way you did me last night. I’m going to rub my load into your skin so he’ll smell me if he gets too close. So he’ll know you belong to someone else.”
“Belong?” He quirks a brow.
“Shut up and kiss me, T.” He grins, and does exactly that, tongue possessively between my lips, groins grinding together, hands touching, grabbing, rubbing, until we’re both hard and gasping and I’m seriously close to stripping him and getting my shot at his hole.
“I’ve never wanted to skip work more,” Troy says, and yeah, that makes me grin. Leaning in, I press my open mouth to his neck and begin to suck. “Fuck…Atlas…” But he doesn’t pull away as my lips continue the suction, pulling the blood to the surface. I don’t stop until there’s a dark-red mark there.
“You’re not the only one who likes marking what they want.”
Troy looks blissed out, pupils wide, and turned on as fuck. “I can handle that.”
“Good,” I say, then back up. He stares at me for a moment, hand on his neck, rubbing the spot, and then he walks out without another word.
I finish getting ready, trying not to think too much about how I spent my night, but it’s hard, considering every time I move, I can feel him. The slight soreness is a constant reminder of Troy as I drive to work, while I’m sorting scrap metal and keeping an eye out for anything he might need. It doesn’t matter if I tell myself that’s not what I’m doing. I know it is, and it’s annoying as shit.
My phone buzzes with a text when I get back home. My first thought is that it’s going to be Troy, but it’s Dixon.
You bailed early, but Troy was still our top earner for the night! I knew he would be a big hit. There’s something about his boy-next-door charm.
For the first time, I sorta hate Dixon. He’s not supposed to notice things like that about Troy, though he’d be a fool not to. Troy has that effect on people. It’s not something he would ever see, but it’s true.
And then there’s also all that shit he said and did to me last night—a side of Troy no one has ever seen. He hooks up, and he had boyfriends, but those things he said, he’s saved just for me, so yeah, those other guys can suck my dick.
Me: Simmer down, big guy.
Dixon: LOL. Sorry. I shouldn’t talk about your stepbrother like that.
I shouldn’t have let my stepbro stick his dick in me either, but one of those things will definitely happen again.
I don’t reply to Dixon because if I do, I’ll just end up asking him about Ash. It’s not like he needs Dixon to coordinate the date he won, because he lives with Troy. Fuck, he lives with Troy.
I grumble the whole way to my apartment door, where I’m surprised to find Brenner and Taylor waiting for me.
“What are you guys doing here?”
“Came to chill with you until we can go out tonight. A shit ton of people are hitting up Crave. We’re dragging your boring ass with us,” Taylor tells me.
“Bet,” I tell my friends.
Even though part of me doesn’t want to go, I could use a drink. I need to do something to get Troy off my mind.