Chapter 16

The session started normally enough, Shaw thumped Bull a few times for saying something inappropriate about Riley, and Thomas and Scott traded barbed comments across the circle, but with no real malice or heat. Mel stated a topic but didn't try to steer any of them back to it when the conversation predictably veered off course.

Newt hadn't been paying attention, if he had, he might have known they were skirting around the nature vs nurture idea of crime, but then someone made a comment. Newt didn't even know who, but his head snapped up and everyone was staring at him.

Bull leaned forward in his chair, subtly nodding as if encouraging Newt to speak. When he didn't, Bull collapsed back in his chair. "Your dad was—no, he still is, a legend."

Legend.

He was not a legend.

Newt's tongue was too thick in his mouth to speak. His fingers and toes were being infected with pins and needles.

"Why?" Scott asked.

"What do you mean, why?" Bull slapped his hand to his knee. "The Starman's dad was this amazing thief. Diamonds, gold, silver, drugs, a freaking aeroplane."

Thomas narrowed his eyes. "An aeroplane?"

"Yeah, I mean, he crashed it, but he still stole it first."

That had been before Stone had been born. Long before Newt.

"Even an island," Bull continued.

Shaw shook his head. "You can't steal an island."

"He did?—"

"You can't throw it in a bag and run off with it."

"No, but…"

Reality warped and bent at the edges.

The first time Newt had experienced symptoms of dissociation, he'd been sat on a sofa with Jude on one side of him and Mickey on the other. A woman police officer stood grim-faced in front of them, repeating that they were going to be alright and there was nothing to worry about before a fifteen-year-old Jude cut through her babbling and said two words.

‘What happened?'

The memory of that moment got foggy after that. Not from age or shock, but it literally became foggy. The woman became blurred, as did the room, and the words coming out of her mouth softened to a baseline rumble.

Their parents were dead.

Jude had hold of Newt's knee, his long fingers were white with his grip, but Newt hadn't been able to feel it, and he felt more and more detached from the moment until he was watching it play out from outside his own body.

Mickey's brain lurched him in the direction of denial, and he was adamant the woman was wrong, even attempted to usher her out of the house, but Jude stopped him.

Jude hadn't even seemed shocked by the woman's announcement. He told Mickey to sit back down, and amazingly, Mickey did, then Jude stretched so he stood at full height, stared into the woman's eyes and said four words that were sharp and meaningful enough for Newt's brain to decipher.

‘Don't split us up.'

She'd said they wouldn't.

Newt could see it happening, from somewhere on the ceiling, which physically made no sense, but it didn't stop it from being true. He could even remember details that hadn't annoyed him at the time because he hadn't felt anything but later, when he looked back, made him angry.

Like the other police officer in their kitchen, slamming drawers and opening cupboards on his quest to make himself a cup of coffee after a long night. Like the woman in front of them subtly checking her watch repeatedly, waiting for a liaison officer to relieve her. Like his own lack of reaction when Jude tried to hug him.

Jude never initiated hugs, and Newt had rebuffed him, and he hated it. He hated looking back and not tucking his face into Jude's neck or wrapping his arms around him.

"And then, get this," Bull said, fully captivating his audience of Scott, Shaw, Thomas, Dr Fawks and even Riley. "The police stung them, and a huge car chase closed the city. It was crazy; they even drove past me, and I saw them out of my flat window."

Bull's awe and excitement thrummed in the room. Newt saw it reflected in everyone's eyes. He felt the weird feeling in his head, the pins and needles in his brain he'd once described it as to Stone.

It happened before he disconnected from reality and took his place in the audience of his own life.

Newt's head slowly filled with cotton wool. He looked down at his feet, tapped them against the floor, but he couldn't feel the impact, or hear the sound.

Bull slapped his knee again. Newt saw him do it, but the sound of it reached his ears delayed and soft. His lip movements were no longer in time with his words, but Newt heard him, even as his vison blurred, and a cloud descended on the room, misting the space between them.

"Rather than be arrested, he goes out in a fireball of glory."

Fireball of glory.

His back slipped down the chair. His breathing slowed right down, and there was a disconnect between his mind and body, like neither were his any longer.

"Newt!"

Leo's chair crashed into his. Metal clanged. It rung. When Newt looked down at his wrist, Leo had hold of him. Leo squeezed. Newt could tell by the veins under his skin and his protruding metacarpals that it was probably a painful grip, but it didn't hurt. It seemed minutes passed before he finally registered Leo's warmth and his bone-grinding grip.

The tether that stopped him from floating too far away.

He blinked, focusing on Leo. He breathed deep and caught Leo's scent. He'd long ago forgotten hers, but Leo's… Newt breathed him in again.

Leo had curled his body towards Newt and had one arm wrapped around the back of Newt's chair. His eyes were wide, and although Newt could see the comforting gold to them under the lights, they were fearful and darting, ping-ponging from one of Newt's eyes to the other.

Newt bounced his feet against the floor, then exhaled a long breath.

He had no idea what he looked like when he dissociated, but he'd asked Ford once when they were in the facility, and he'd hesitated for a long time before replying it looked like Newt's very soul was being sucked out of his body and leaving behind a shell of a person.

Everyone in the room was staring at him, but not with curiosity anymore.

They were worried.

"Shit, Newt." Bull shook his head. His eyes were sincere. "I didn't mean to upset you?—"

Leo cut him off by getting to his feet. He looked at Riley, who was no longer standing by the door, but in the middle of the circle, looking just as shell-shocked as everyone else. "You need to call Jude and get him to escort us back to the wing."

Riley didn't question why Leo had asked for Jude, just unclipped his radio and did what Leo told him to.

Jude appeared a few minutes later, cheeks slightly flushed and panting. "Everything okay?"

"I need you to take Newt and Leo back to the wing."

"Sure."

If Jude noticed Leo holding Newt's hand, he didn't say anything, just led the way until they were back in their cell. Newt pulled his arm from Leo's grip, clambered onto the top bunk and shoved his hand inside his pillow to find the pendant.

"What happened?" Jude asked, whipping his head back and forth between them.

Leo sighed. "Bull, the arsehole, decided to bring up your…"

"What?"

"Your parents."

"Oh."

Leo scowled at Jude. "I was kind of hoping you'd be a little more useful than that."

"Our parents are treated as a taboo subject." Jude sighed. "You said Bull brought them up."

"Yeah."

"So let me guess, was it something along the lines of how amazing my father was at stealing stuff, how he once stole a plane and an island?"

Leo nodded. "Yeah, that's pretty close."

Jude stepped up to the bed. "Not everyone thinks like that. The police hate our dad, which is a comfort to me. I hate him too."

"I'm regretting asking Riley to fetch you," Leo snapped.

Newt pulled the pendant free, then clutched it to his chest. "Bull didn't even mention our mum, just our dad, how amazing he was at stealing. She was in that car too. She died in a fireball, but there was nothing glorious about it."

"No. There wasn't," Jude agreed.

"It was weird listening to Bull talk about him," Newt murmured. "And all the others, I saw the amazement on their faces, but they didn't know him. You have reason to hate our father. He was horrible to you, Jude. With me, he pretended I didn't exist, and I was fine with that because I had her."

"Mum loved you, Newt."

"Then why did she choose to leave me?"

Jude retreated from the side of the bed. "Now we're in dangerous territory."

"Why?" Newt asked, sitting up.

"Agreement between big brothers."

Newt blinked. "You don't need Stone's permission. You've been my big brother for the same amount of time he has. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Newt…"

"Please, Jude."

Leo exchanged a glance with Jude. "Perhaps your brother is right, if Stone and he decided?—"

Newt slipped down from the top bunk to stand in front of his brother. "She didn't choose to leave me, did she?"

Jude didn't answer.

"The police said our parents chose to go out in a ball of fire rather than be caught and taken into custody. Everybody thinks that; everyone says it."

Jude avoided Newt's eyes. "You made her happy, Newt. He didn't. She didn't want to keep doing what they'd been doing, but he was insistent. The police dangled a carrot in front of his face, and he dragged her along with him to get it."

"He…killed her."

"They hit the central reservation at over 100 miles per hour."

"Jude…" Leo said with warning, but Newt held his hand up to him.

"I want to hear."

"It was a deliberate act by the driver, our father. There were tyre marks on the road where they'd swerved leading up to the crash site, not indicting a loss of control, but a potential struggle." Jude looked back at him. "We'll never know for sure what happened, but I think she was trying very hard to come back to you, like she said she would."

"She didn't choose to leave me."

"No, Newt."

Newt collapsed down on Leo's bed.

"Look what you've done," Leo barked in Jude's direction before sitting down too and throwing an arm over Newt's shoulders. He tugged Newt towards his chest.

"No," Newt told him, pushing away. "Jude's told me what I've always needed to hear. She would've got caught. She would've gone to prison, and I would've visited, and wrote her letters, and took her phone calls, and she still would've been my mum. In those moments, she chose that. She chose to be caught, but he took it away from her."

"Stone always thought it would hurt you more to think our dad murdered her."

Newt shook his head. "Maybe it should. Maybe the relief I feel proves just how crazy I am." Reality dawned. "She must've been scared."

Jude crouched down in front of him. "Don't go down that route, don't start thinking that?—"

"But she must've been. How could he do that to her?" Newt pulled on his pendant. "He loved her. He said he'd shower her with diamonds."

"I wouldn't even want to get inside the mind of our father, but you don't carry that pendant around with you because of his love for her. You carry it because of her love for you. She loved you. Hold on to that above all else."

"She loved you too. And Stone and Mickey."

"She did, but I think with you, she felt like it was her last chance to do it right, to have a son that wasn't in some way messed up by our father."

Jude's radio hissed. He cringed, tearing the device from his belt. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah." Newt nodded.

"Jude," Leo murmured. "I'm sorry for biting your head off."

Jude smirked. "Hey, it's fine, you're practically family now?—"

"That doesn't make it okay."

Jude hesitated. "I guess not, but you were looking out for Newt, so I understand." The radio hissed again. "I've really got to go. Look after him."

"I will," Leo said, and it sounded like a promise.

As soon as Jude left, Leo pulled Newt down to the bed. They rearranged themselves, with Leo lying flat on his back with Newt on top of him. Chest to chest. Newt continued to clutch the pendant, but his ear rested on Leo and he listened to the deep thump of his heart while Leo held him. They lay like that for a long time before Newt lifted his head and croaked out, "You don't have to stay?—"

"Shhh," Leo said, easing Newt's head back down again.

He ran gentle fingers through Newt's hair, again and again. Newt's grip on the pendant loosened as he relaxed, but he heard Leo's heart more and more, the big comforting thump of it only inches from his ear.

Just as Newt started to drift, Leo shifted, pressing what felt like a kiss to the top of Newt's head.