Prologue

"Pssst…"

Newt tried to drift off again, but the intruder persisted.

"Seriously? I said PSSST."

A flick to Newt's cheek brought him back to earth with a bump.

"Ow." He rubbed his face, blinking blearily. Newt's eyes adjusted to the dim light, bringing the outline of a boy into focus. A teenage boy. Sporadic acne spotted the boy's forehead, and day by day the bump in his nose grew more pronounced. His eyes were blue, twinkling with mischief, and his blond hair grew in tight ringlets that dropped down to his jaw.

"Finally," Ford exhaled. Obviously pleased with himself, he beamed.

Ford was different in the way he acted to everyone else in the facility. There was a brightness in his eyes and a fidgetiness of his fingers.

Everyone else existed, but Ford was alive.

"How's it going, baby carrot?"

Newt wasn't fond of the name given to him by Ford because of his orange hair and the one-year age difference between them.

Newt opened his mouth to answer but found he couldn't. He managed to conclude a few things from his surroundings. The antiseptic smell, the white walls, the crinkling bedding and the needle in his arm all pointed at the hospital wing, but just to be sure…

"Am I in hospital again?"

The ringlets bounced like springs as Ford nodded. "I'm starting to think you enjoy having those tubes up your dick and butt."

Newt frowned, then shifted his hips a little. Sure enough he felt the familiar tug of medical intervention. He winced, then shuddered.

"How long?"

"A week." Ford huffed. "Me and Elis were getting bored."

He looked over at the corner. Newt leaned up enough to look too and managed to bring his untethered arm off the bed to wave at Elis.

"Hey," Newt said softly.

Ford hummed, then turned back to Newt.

"What did he say?" Newt asked.

"It's not important?—"

"Ford…"

Ford sighed, then cringed while blurting out his words. "He said hurry up and die already."

Newt blinked.

Ford shrugged. "What can I say? My best friend is a jealous dick."

Newt shot a savage glare at the corner of the room before dropping his head back onto a pillow. He'd tried with Elis, and it wasn't just the fact that Newt couldn't see him that was the problem. Elis hated him. Elis hated everyone.

"What are you doing here?" Newt asked.

"I thought it was about time you came back from wherever the hell you floated off to…again." Ford's gaze trailed up the wall and stopped on the ceiling. "Must be kind of cool to just…drift away like that and stop feeling anything."

Newt didn't reply. He glanced at the cannula in his arm, regretting it instantly when he saw a smear of dried blood on his skin. His head swam.

"And…" Ford hesitated, biting his lip. He slumped, looking more defeated than Newt had ever seen him.

"What is it?" Newt asked.

"I heard the Wicked Witch of the West talking on the phone." He took a deep breath. "She's getting me transferred out of here."

Newt's eyes widened. He shook his head, crinkling the plastic pillow protector beneath him. His cheeks went from warm to hot then too hot, and his eyes stung even when he squeezed them tightly shut.

His lips trembled. "Please don't."

Ford grabbed his hand. "You know I wouldn't leave if I had a choice."

"You can't leave. I can't lose you too. I can't?—"

"Listen to me, Newt," Ford said, leaning in close. "You're going to be okay?—"

"I'm not."

"You will be if you just listen."

Newt swallowed down his rising panic and looked at Ford.

Ford's eyes no longer had their mischievous glint. They were hard, focused, and Newt couldn't look away.

"This place…her… It's not how it should be."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't want to help us. She doesn't care. All she wants is a quiet life, and this"—he looked up and down at Newt in the bed—"is exactly what she wants. Us compliant. Us all zombies in our beds."

"It's not her fault I'm like this," Newt murmured. "It's not her fault you can still see Elis. It's not her fault Elis hasn't…moved on."

Ford stiffened his jaw. "True, but she's not trying to help us. That witch has everyone under her spell, but you've got to break it because there's more to life than being laid up in a hospital bed with a drip in your arm and a tube up your dick."

Newt turned his head.

"There is Newt," Ford insisted. "You have brothers."

"Don't…"

"I've seen them."

Newt stiffened. He stole a quick glance at Ford. "What?"

"They've been here."

"They haven't?—"

"I promise you they have. Those pills she's got you on; they exacerbate this." Ford squeezed Newt's hand. "They make it more difficult for you to come back from wherever it is you go."

"I go where there's no thought, no feeling, no pain. It's better, and they—my family—are better off without me. I'm no good. I'm broken."

"You're wrong. They love you."

Newt tugged his hand from Ford's. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Newt…"

"Please, Ford, it hurts."

"I know, but some hurts are good."

Newt shook his head.

"Do you like magic, Newt?"

"I…I don't know. What has that got to do with anything?"

Ford squeezed his eyes shut. An immeasurable amount of time passed before Ford reopened his eyes, and there was an intensity in them Newt hadn't seen before.

"Sleight of hand is amazing. Elis was—" Ford stopped. A complicated frown crossed his face. "Elis is good at it. He can make things seem like they've disappeared." Ford began sliding his hands together. "Just like that." He dropped his voice lower. "Gone, and he taught me how to do it too."

Newt turned to Ford, giving him his full attention. Ford gave him a small smile, then dug his hand into his pocket. He hissed at Elis over his shoulder, then presented Newt with a white pill.

Newt recognised it.

The same kind of pill he took too.

Twice a day.

Swallow it down.

Open your mouth.

Tongue up, tongue down.

Tongue left, tongue right.

"Watch."

Ford showed Newt the pill disappearing into his long sleeve.

Over and over, he repeated the move with his eyes fixed on Newt.

Ford added a new aspect to his trick. He brought the pill up to his lips before dropping it in his sleeve.

"You understand?" Ford said.

Newt nodded.

Ford sunk into the chair beside the bed with a sigh and flicked the pill away.

"Promise me, Newt, as tempting as it is to float away for good, you'll fight it. You'll stay here for a little while, even if it hurts."

"Why?"

"Because some things are worth staying on earth for. You've got to trust me on that."

Newt averted his gaze, then nodded. "I promise."

They shared a smile.

It was the last smile they shared.

When Newt was taken back to his room a few days later, Ford was gone.

No explanation.

Just gone.

It seemed so much nicer to float away inside his skull rather than face Ford not being there.

But Ford had given Newt something.

He had to trust him.

The white pill looked up at him from the pot. Newt pretended to pop it into his mouth and let it run down his hand, his wrist, all the way down his arm until it rested near his elbow in his hoodie, and then he pinned it to his side.

Newt opened his mouth for it to be checked.

Tongue up, tongue down. Tongue left, tongue right.

It happened twice a day.

Every day.

Newt strolled down the corridor with a pill no bigger than a bead feeling like a ten-tonne weight down his sleeve. He went into his room, turned his back to the camera in the corner and spun on the taps of his small sink to wash his hands.

The pill disappeared down the plug hole. He exhaled a shaky breath.

It was the start.

The pill was joined by many more over the next few weeks.

And every time he got the urge to float away, he fisted his hands and stared down at his feet firmly fixed to the ground.

At first, Newt hated being back on earth.

Newt hated that the birdfeeder was never filled outside the communal window. He hated watching the lone dead tree acting as a sundial. He hated that he was denied the stars with the huge lights outside the window. He hated that the outside had wire fences and gates he wasn't allowed through, and even though there were fifty of them crammed into the facility, it was always quiet.

Eerily quiet.

Newt missed Ford's random laughter that always got him sent to the witch. Even Ford's curses and growls as he lashed out at Elis had filled the place with something.

Newt hated Doctor Isla Bell, the witch, for taking Ford away, and he hated the farmer for getting him sent there in the first place.

But most of all, he hated that he could remember again.

His mum. His brothers.

They'd all been taken from him one way or another.

He remembered what it felt like to feel safe and be loved.

It hurt.

It hurt so much he almost disappeared inside his head for good and floated into the abyss to join the stars, but Ford was his friend, and he'd opened up this torture for a reason.

Newt just had to see it through.

Eighteen days after stopping the pills, Dr Bell stood in front of him with a sickly sweet smile that made his skin crawl.

"Come along, Newton. It's time for your visit."

Newt kept his face blank, but inside his mind whirled with the word visit.

Ford said his brothers had been there.

He'd seen them.

But it was impossible.

He didn't know where they were, but they wouldn't come find him.

They wouldn't want him.

"I'll bring you back here as soon as it's over." She took hold of his elbow and helped him out of the chair. "And you'll be able to watch the birds for the rest of the day."

The birds never came.

Dr Bell's hand didn't leave his arm.

They ambled along corridors he swore he'd never been through before, but his feet knew the way, and his heart thumped like it knew who was behind one of the many doors.

Newt snuck a look at Dr Bell but paused at the glinting chain and the pendant tapping against her top button. He recognised it. He remembered it hanging on a different neck. He remembered clutching it, and turning the pendant and marvelling at the blue before looking up and finding the same coloured eyes fondly watching. Dr Bell shoved it out of sight when she realised Newt was staring at it.

"Okay?" she asked.

He nodded.

She opened a door. The voices that escaped the room nailed Newt to the spot. They were talking, not to Newt, but to each other.

Two deep voices that were different, but still familiar enough to be recognisable.

Newt swayed and slapped his hand to the wall to stay on his feet.

Dr Bell had paused in the doorway, blocking Newt from going further. She glanced over her shoulder. Her brow twitched. "You're looking rather pale, perhaps?—"

"Let me see them." The words escaped him shrill and desperate. He resisted pressing his hands together in a begging pose. "Please."

"Newt?" Stone yanked the door from the other side. Dr Bell directed an angry glance at Stone, but he didn't pay her any attention. His eyes were on Newt, and Newt's were on him, and Newt swore he wouldn't blink ever again if it meant he could keep hold of Stone forever.

A bigger, burley, hairy Stone, but definitely him.

Stone's breath caught as they stared at each other.

Newt's eyes burnt and blurred, and the top of his nose began to sting with his refusal to blink.

Fire ran down his cheeks and onto his lips. He tasted the saltiness on his tongue when he parted them to breathe. The air between them felt thick. He had to work his lungs harder just to breathe it in.

Dr Bell positioned herself between them. "I'm going to take Newton back to?—"

"No," Newt said. His knees shook. His finger twitched with the need to touch, but there were rules against that.

No touching.

No laughing.

No running.

No thinking.

Stone reached past Dr Bell and grabbed Newt's shoulder. He pulled Newt towards him despite the squawk of protest from Dr Bell, and Newt found himself engulfed by strong arms.

Stone's voice was fuzzy in his ear. His warmth seeped through Newt's clothing and into his skin, and the hand moving up and down his back made Newt's eyelids feel weighted, like he could fall asleep right there and then.

"Are you really here?" Newt asked.

Stone pulled back, and the panic of separation had Newt clinging to him and forcing them flush against each other again.

"Hey, hey, easy. Yes, I'm here." Stone spluttered out a sob before resting his chin on Newt's head. "Mickey's here too."

Newt peeled his face away from Stone's chest just long enough to see Mickey blubbering in the corner. He surged forward and wrapped his arms around them both, squeezing until Newt gasped for breath.

"Jesus, Mick," Stone said. "We'd kinda like to breathe."

"Sorry." Mickey relaxed his arms a fraction. "But fuck, Stone, he's actually… He's actually…"

Mickey squeezed them again instead of finishing his sentence. Newt frowned, wondering what he'd been about to say, but it didn't matter with Stone and Mickey cocooning him in their arms, and his body soon began to shut down with what felt like relief.

Stone kept him upright.

"Are you going to take me home?" Newt whispered.

"Yes." Stone's reply was immediate.

Mickey ruffled Newt's hair. "Of course we are."

Newt pressed his smile into Stone's chest and said a silent thank-you to Ford because he'd been right. There was something worth staying on earth for.

* * *

On the way back from the visit, with Dr Bell side-eyeing his every step, Newt stopped and turned to her. He held out his hand. "Give it to me."

Dr Bell frowned. "Give what to you?"

"You have my mum's necklace."

"I do not."

"My dad bought it for her. It's the same shade as her eyes, and when he gave it to her, he promised her, just like on Neptune, he'd shower her with diamonds."

"You must be confused. You're not allowed personal items?—"

"I'm not confused." Newt stepped up to her. "I had it at the farm. I took care of it, and you…you took it from me."

Dr Bell pressed her lips together.

"The only reason I didn't mention it in there was because my brother killed a man. Who knows how he would've reacted if he found out you'd taken that from me?" He lifted his hand. "Give it to me, and tell the nurses and psychiatrists I'm allowed to have it, and I'll never mention you stole it from me in the first place."

Dr Bell glanced down the corridor. She slumped and reached back to unclip the necklace. Newt's heart sped up at the blue disc swinging from the chain. Dr Bell dropped it into his palm, and the silver chain wrapped around it.

Newt could remember his mother's smiling face.

The blue of Neptune in her eyes.

He remembered holding the chain as she held on to him.

He remembered his promise to take care of it and her promise to come home for it.

To come home to him.

"You're going to let me out of here."

Dr Bell sighed. "It's not that simple."

"Yeah, it is. If you don't let me go back to my brothers, I'll tell them about this." He lifted his fist with the pendant. "And you're going to bring Ford back too."

"Ford was out of my hands. His family requested the transfer."

"He's…he's closer to them?"

"No." Dr Bell crouched down to get eye to eye with Newt. She smiled, but it was cruel. "He's further away."

"Further—"

"Not everyone wants to embrace the crazy in their family. Count yourself lucky."