CHAPTER SIX

“What happened?” I asked, frowning at Luke when he just shrugged at me again.

“I don’t know.”

“Hold on just a minute!” Mom started, suddenly sounding affronted as she threw her hands on her hips and accidentally elbowed Magnus into waking up. “Why were you just trying to hypnotize me?”

“Nancy,” Luke started, holding up his hands.

She shook her head, interrupting him. “No! You were trying to convince me that all this weird, wacky-doodle stuff wasn’t real and that I just dreamt it all!” She paused as something else then occurred to her. “This wasn’t about a triad at all, was it?”

“No, Nancy, it wasn’t,” Luke started as the anger and indignation in her eyes only increased. “But I want you to—”

“—well!” she huffed. “I’ll have you know, Mister Misleader, that your brainwashing, hypnotizing cockadoodle—doodee isn’t going to work on me!”

“Mom—” I started, but she cut me off with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“No, Kate, your friend or producer or whoever the heck he is needs to understand that it’s not okay to lead people on!”

“Mom, he didn’t lead you on—”

“—he sure as heckity-heck did!” Her attention was still fastened on Luke. “I don’t play games, Mister Man! In fact, I’m a believer that if you want someone, you go after her! And it doesn’t matter if she’s out of your league! If you want her, you take her!” She crossed her arms over her ample chest, looking at Luke expectantly—like she wanted him to admit he had the hots for her.

“I’m sorry if I misled you, Nancy,” he started as he continued to hold his hands up in submission. There was a faint smile pulling at the corners of his lips and in any other situation, I might have found humor in how ridiculous this whole thing was. But watching my mom’s panties get ruffled wasn’t exactly fun—especially because it was pretty clear that Luke’s powers had completely failed to work on her and that was beyond concerning.

“I’m only interested in men who go after what they want. So, if you want me, Lou—”

“—Luke”

“— Luke , you need to be direct! Stop beating my bush!”

“Mom, that’s not—” I tried again, wishing the floor would simply open up and swallow me. Or, failing that, swallow her!

Defeated, Luke turned to face me. “Clearly, that didn’t work,” he said in a soft voice, one that was laced with disappointment .

“What didn’t work?” Mom yelled.

“What do you mean, it didn’t work?” I whispered back, feeling a surge of panic, because if we couldn’t erase my mother’s memories of the supernatural chaos she’d had just witnessed, things were about to become very complicated.

Luke shrugged. “She’s obviously immune to my abilities,” he replied, frustration evident in his voice.

“But…” I started, shaking my head, now starting to experience a full-blown panic. “But how is that even possible—I mean, you’re The Magician!”

Another shrug. “Your mother must have some level of magic herself, if I had to guess,” Luke suggested, raising his eyebrows as if to say, ‘what else could it be?’

“Hello?!” Mom called out. “I’m still sitting here!”

“Impossible,” I shot back, breathing in deeply as I shook my head. “Artemis said the magic in our line skipped her. And Mom’s never displayed a magical bone in her body.” Truth be told, I was completely shell-shocked—actually, I felt like I was going to vomit. This whole thing was just—barf-inducing .

“That’s not true,” Mom said, shaking her head. “There have been plenty of times when I’ve been able to manifest things. Have you ever heard of the law of attraction?”

But I didn’t pull my attention from Luke. “No, she can’t have any magical powers.” I just… I couldn’t handle it if she did.

“Apparently that’s not the case,” Luke replied and raised his brows in a tacit rendition of: Sorry, Charlie . “Otherwise, my magic would have stripped her of her memories, and that clearly didn’t happen.” He paused. “And let’s not forget, she could understand Yolanda.”

“Do you know I manifested my big screen TV?” Mom prattled on. “And I’m in the process of manifesting a lottery win.”

“Maybe she was able to understand Yolanda, but not Rocco,” I pointed out.

Luke cocked his head to the side. “Maybe she doesn’t possess Beast Sense .”

I had no idea what ‘Beast Sense’ was, but figured it had to do something with understanding animals. I was spared the chance to ask, though, because my mother chose that moment to have an absolute meltdown.

“Someone needs to explain to me what is going on in this awful castle right now!” She speared each one of us with a very angry expression. “I want to know why there’s a sex dungeon! And why is my warrior lover feeding his blood to a gay, homeless man who thinks he’s a vampire? And why did my daughter kidnap the vampire in the first place? And why is the vampire wearing glowing bracelets, not to mention a pink robe?! And why did someone say something about magic? Why is there a talking, shrunken head and why is that dirty goat still sitting at the dining table?!”

“Hey, who ya callin’ dirty, Bozo?”

“Yeah!” Yolanda cried out, sounding affronted. “An’ ain’t you neva seen a talkin’ head before?”

“No!” Mom replied as she slammed her palms into the tabletop. “I have never seen anything like any of this before!”

Then she shot up straight out of her seat and nearly fell over in the process, courtesy of her ridiculous boots. She turned to face Magnus who was now sitting up and just staring straight ahead, completely zoned out. I had to wonder if Luke’s mind-sweep had actually worked—on Magnus.

“Magnus, I want you to tell me right now—how are you involved with the porn movies that are being shot in my daughter’s sex dungeon?! ”

Magnus didn’t respond and I wasn’t even sure he knew she was talking to him. Actually, I had to wonder if he even knew she was there.

Crap.

“Katie!” Mom then thundered at me.

“Jesus, Mom! Calm the fuck down!” I yelled, when I could finally find my voice. Then I shook my head, completely irritated and disturbed that we were even still talking about this. At the same time, I was scared to death that my imbecile of a guardian was now sans brain. “For the last time, I’m not acting in nor am I producing porn!”

“Uh-huh,” Mom said, rolling her eyes at me. “The talking head said otherwise and talking heads don’t lie.”

“What?” I started to argue but lost the battle, feeling like all I could do now was cry as I wondered what I’d done in another life to have ended up with Nancy Murray for my mother.

“What’s more, Katie,” Mom continued, eyeing me with an extremely arched left eyebrow that was painted that way. “I don’t believe that head is just a toy.”

“Then what the hell do you believe?” I barked back, thinking maybe she could offer me some explanations, because I was fresh out of them.

“I think the head is possessed—probably by whatever witch doctor created it,” she answered with a clipped nod. That did manage to raise the interesting question of just how in the world Yolanda had come about. I glanced down the table at her, where she was facing Rocco, both of them busily engaged in another ridiculous argument.

“Witch doctor?” I repeated as I returned my attention to my mother.

She nodded. “Or maybe it’s this castle that’s possessed—like that house in Amityville when the television sucks in that little girl.”

“That was Poltergeist , Mom.”

“I know! That’s what I’m trying to tell you—it’s all poltergeists and porn in this place!”

“Enough!” I yelled, silencing everyone, because I was clearly now at my wit’s end. There was only so much a brain could handle and I was well past the limit. “I’ve fucking had it! With all of you!”

“Kate,” Mom started. “This is not the time for you to have a meltdown.”

I then turned my furious expression on her and shut her right up. “No, Mom, I’m not going to listen to another word of this bullshit! ”

Her cartoonish, arched brow arced even higher, if that were possible, and the pout on her mouth became even more defined. “Well!” she started in a huff, “that’s not how I ever spoke to my mother!”

“I dunno ‘bout you, twinkle toes,” Rocco said to her with a wink. “But I ain’t buyin’ none o’ this fer one second.”

“Me neitha,” Yolanda agreed.

“Luke…” I sighed, glancing at him for guidance as I gave him an expression that translated to ‘what the hell do we do next?’

He shrugged for the nth time in the last hour. “The only thing left to do now is just tell her.”

“Tell me what?” Mom demanded.

“The truth?” I asked him and he simply nodded as my eyes went wider. “All of it?”

“Yes!” Mom yelled. “All of it!”

“I think it’s safe to say yes,” Luke answered when I continued to stare at him.

I breathed in deeply and faced my mother, swallowing hard at the thought of what I was about to confess to her. There was just so much, and it was all so unbelievable that I had no idea how she’d even take it.

And then there was Magnus and the fact that he might now be a vegetable. An enormous one .

“Magnus, wake the fuck up!” I screamed at him. I just couldn’t deal with the idea that maybe Luke had inadvertently lobotomized him instead of my mother.

In response, Magnus shot out of his chair, yanked his ridiculous sword from its scabbard, and fiercely wielded it in the air, like he was ready to behead someone.

“There’s no threat, Magnus, you can put your blade down,” Luke said as he stood up and held out his hands in order to attempt to calm the gigantic nimrod down.

Magnus took a look around himself, as if he were trying to make sure Luke was telling the truth. Then he dutifully sheathed his sword and subsequently announced he was hungry and was going to the kitchen to pour himself a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

With the information that my guardian absolutely did not possess a brain, or anything that passed for one, I faced my mother once more. My heart started to race as I prepared to tell her the story of how I’d become a Daughter of the Moon.

“Here goes nothing.”

## #

Standing in the kitchen, directly across from my mother, I couldn’t help but marvel at her unflinching acceptance of everything I’d just told her. It had been a long story, starting from the moment I’d inherited Artemis’s castle and ending with this exact point in time. All the while, she’d listened without judgment or disbelief. In fact, her marked lack of shock or even surprise was alarming on its own. Watching her nod along as I told her about magic and this new world I’d been brought into, a bemused smile playing on her lips, I couldn’t help but think back to the moment when I’d first learned about magic and all this moon business. To say I’d handled it much worse than she was was definitely an understatement.

Magnus had finished eating his cereal and returned to the dining room with Luke, Rocco, Yolanda and Gray, allowing us some privacy. Mom had announced she needed a drink so now she was gulping down a glass of peach Moscato.

“And that brings us to today,” I said as I finished the long and convoluted story .

Mom didn’t say anything right away. Then, after another few seconds, she leaned in conspiratorially, “I have a theory.”

“You do?”

“I do,” she said as she began nodding emphatically and a knowing smile spread across her mouth. “I would be willing to bet money on the fact that Lou-Lou and Magnus aren’t just magical beings.”

“Okay… what else are they then?” I played along, not bothering to correct her regarding Luke’s name. It seemed from here on out, he was going to be ‘Lou-Lou’ and I had to admit, there was something amusing about that. Furthermore, that was his battle to fight—if he even wanted to fight it.

Mom leaned in slightly closer and whispered, “They’re both aliens from another planet… intent on impregnating us!”

I was mostly annoyed with myself that I’d even, for one moment, believed that my mother might have something informative to say.

“Aliens?” was all I managed to reply.

She continued to nod. “Aliens who take the shape of humans—they call them humanoids, Katie. I saw this whole special on YouTube about how aliens walk amongst us and most of us have no idea. ”

“Did you?”

She continued her enthusiastic nodding. In fact, she didn’t stop. “If you ever see people with conically shaped heads—they’re direct descendants of the Ana-nazis.” She paused and then rolled her eyes to the top right then the top left of her face. “Or was it the Anastatzi?”

“The Anasazi?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

I breathed in deeply and part of my brain argued that it was better just to leave the topic alone—and let Mom go on thinking that Magnus wanted to impregnate her with a baby that had a conically shaped head. But then the other part of me really wanted to call her on the completely and totally idiotic and unhelpful, not to mention absurd, comment. And that side won.

“Mom, if that really was their intention—to impregnate us—they wouldn’t have chosen a forty-five-year-old woman, and they most definitely wouldn’t have picked a seventy-five-year-old one.”

“Sixty-five,” she corrected me, wagging her finger at me.

I frowned. “Mom, I know you’re seventy-five. ”

“Life lesson number one, Katie—when you look ten years younger, that’s the age you go with,” she retorted smugly. Then she attempted to toss the mess of her hair over her shoulder but with all the hairspray she put in it, all she could manage to do was turn her head, leaving her hair looking like Dracula’s bouffant.

Before I could argue any longer about my mother’s completely illogical thinking, a soft, shimmering light appeared in the center of the room, growing brighter and more defined as I looked at it. The light then began to swirl and coalesce, taking on the distinct shape of an envelope.

“And it’s about damned time,” I said to myself.

“That’s what I’ve been saying—the general public has been aware of the existence of aliens for decades. So, you’re right—it’s about time they made contact in person. And it’s just an added bonus that they took the shape of sexually pleasing men.” She paused. “And as to your comment about us being too old to impregnate—well, they’re aliens, Katie. That means they have special probes that can give new life to our uteruses again. ”

I looked at her for a long moment. “Mom, I never want to have this conversation again.”

Then I focused on the envelope as it materialized out of thin air, hovering momentarily like it was contemplating its next move. As with all the other posthumous letters I’d received from Artemis, this one was also made of thick, creamy parchment and sealed with a deep crimson wax emblem.

With a gentle, almost ethereal grace, the envelope floated downward, as if being guided by an invisible hand. It drifted slowly and steadily, weaving through the air in a graceful dance.

“What’s that?” Mom asked when she finally noticed it.

“A letter.”

I reached out, my fingers prepared to catch the unexpected delivery. As if it were instructed to land on my hand, the envelope glided softly onto my open palm.

“I realized that much,” Mom replied, giving me a look.

But I didn’t take my attention away from the letter. Yes, this was exactly what I needed right now—some guidance from Artemis.