CHAPTER TWELVE

The pressure in my bladder had reached its maximum limit, but all I could do was curse the stupid situation I’d gotten myself into.

I mean, it wasn’t like I could step away to relieve myself—not when I was held fast against the wall. But the truth of the matter was that my overburdened bladder was the least of my worries. What about the fact that I’d just spent the last hour helplessly restrained against the dining room wall by Luke’s glowing runes that were super uncomfortable? Nope—still not my biggest worry, even though the rune around my throat kept making me gag. The thing that was causing my stomach to churn was that I was stuck here, completely useless, while Valerian was left to his own defenses. And who knew what kind of horrors he was unleashing now that he had access to the room of The Star? Ugh—this whole stupid situation was all my fault, and that was the biggest kicker. If I made it into the moon’s book of records as ‘The Worst Daughter of the Moon’ ever, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Interrupting my internal diatribe was the sound of clomping footsteps coming down the stairs, accompanied by Rocco’s gruff voice.

“I’m thinkin’ maybes I shouldn’ta eaten that pizza, yakkity-yak. ”

“I’m in here!” I yelled out before remembering Valerian had placed some sort of sound-canceling spell on me, the bastard!

“Why? Ya gots the tummy rumbles o’ what?” Yolanda responded, clearly not having heard a word I’d just said.

“Nah,” Rocco replied as his hooves continued to boom down the stairs. “I’m just sayin’, that pizza got a real weird aftertaste.”

“Maybe that’s ‘cause it was sittin’ on your bed for a week.”

“Yeah, maybes,” Rocco answered with a sigh. “On second thought, maybe I do got the tummy rumbles.” There was a pause then, followed by the sound of the longest, loudest and wettest fart I’d ever heard.

“Oh. My. Gawd!” Yolanda cried. “That stench is gonna knock me right off your horn!”

“I ain’t makin’ this up—I got me a bad case o’ colon blow!”

“Next time, warn me ahead o’ time before you go off like that!”

“All right, all right. I’ll try to keep it in check, liver lips. But no promises, ya know how it is.” Rocco reached the bottom step and then started heading into the kitchen, which was beside the dining room. God, he was so close and yet I couldn’t do or say anything to grab his attention !

The quiet was interrupted by Rocco emitting another fart, this one sounding like a foghorn underwater.

“Ay, Dios mio, you’s a real piece o’ work!”

“Where the hell-balls is she?” Rocco asked, pausing in the kitchen momentarily before his hooves started clopping on the tile floor again. “One thing’s fer sure: she ain’t busy makin’ my breakfast!”

“An’ she ain’t in her room neitha!”

“That’s right, fruitcake.” More clomping of hooves. “She’s always off doin’ this, that, or the otha thing. I’ll tell you what—that old, nutty broad, Artemis, she always made sure I had me some food, ya know?”

“Yep, I know.”

“An’ back then, I didn’t have to deal with no trashy broads dressed like Elvira who can’t even recognize a good goat when they see one!”

“Rocco!” I yelled again. “Help me! I’m in the dining room!”

“Can you believe this, bub?” Rocco went on. “All I’m askin’ fer is a decent meal an’ some peace an’ quiet ‘round heres an’ ya think I get even that much? No, sir, I do not!”

I could hear Rocco’s hooves as he exited the kitchen and turned the corner, finally entering the dining room. When he saw me, he froze, craning his neck to look up at me with a frown.

“Boss! Whatcha doin’ wearin’ fang-face’s bracelets, eh? We playin’ a game o’ hide n’ seek no one told me ‘bout or what?”

“No one told me neitha,” Yolanda added.

I’d never been happier to see the two of them and even though I knew they couldn’t hear me, I called out anyway. “Valerian tricked me, and I need your help!”

“What?” Rocco yelled back. “Ya gotta use yer words, swizzle stick, ‘cause I ain’t no expert in readin’ minds.”

“I can’t speak because Valerian magicked my voice away!”

Rocco trotted up to me and then peered up at me with those totally weird eyes of his. “Yo, boss, stop pretendin’ ta be stuck in a box an’ just tell us what’s goin’ on!”

“I can’t talk!” I called out, saying the words as slowly as I possibly could.

Rocco stared at me vacantly, his expression a mix of confusion and annoyance.

“What?” Yolanda repeated. “What’s she sayin’?”

“Hey, where’s that cocky vamp anyhows?” Rocco continued, shaking his head at me. “I thought the whole point o’ them magic bracelets was ta lock him up, not ta lock yerself up, cheese puff.”

“Get Luke!” I mouthed as slowly as I could, hoping he’d understand.

“Yo, I think she’s gotta puke,” Rocco said as he took a couple steps backwards.

“No! GET LUKE!”

“I think she’s sayin’ she saw a spook,” Yolanda guessed.

“A what?” Rocco asked.

“A spook—ya know, like a ghost?”

“Ohhh, I gotcha,” Rocco nodded. “Yeah, we got us a ghost in this place aw-right—maybe she saw it o’ somethin’.” Then he looked at me. “You see a ghost, boss?”

“GET LUKE!”

He cocked his head to the other side and eyed me with all he was worth. “The ghost lock ya up like that, boss?” Then he shook his head and sighed. “All’s I know is I ain’t never seen that danged ghost, but I heard it plenty o’ times at night—makin’ this real loud moanin’ sound. An’ I’m thinkin’ that ghost is pretty greedy ‘cause it’s always askin’ fer more o’ this an’ deeper o’ that.” Then he appeared perplexed. “As a matter o’ fact, I think it’s a Vikin’ ghost we’s dealin’ with.”

“Yeah, it’s always goin’ on ‘bout warrior stuff,” Yolanda added .

“It sure is,” Rocco agree.

“GET LUKE!” I yelled again, thinking to myself that as soon as I was able to free myself from this completely ridiculous situation, I would promptly rehome Rocco in a petting zoo.

“Luke?” Rocco asked hesitantly. “Or spook?”

“LUKE!” I said while nodding as obviously as I could.

“Ya want us ta get Luke?” Rocco replied, cocking his head from one side to the other as if it would help him read my lips better.

“YES!” For the love of God. “Get Luke!”

“Aw-right, aw-right,” Rocco grumbled. “Don’t go gettin’ yer panties in no twist, boss.” Then he started to walk away but paused and turned back to face me. “Hey, boss, I dunno where ma man, Luke is. I’m gonna go find Magnus.”

Son of a bitch!

“I’ll tell you what, yakkity-yak, a goat’s job ain’t never done ‘round here,” Rocco grumbled before clomping off in search of our resident warrior. “An’ ya think I even got me breakfast yet?”

A couple of minutes later, Rocco returned with a sleepy-eyed Magnus in tow. Once he saw me and my predicament, Magnus perked up immediately.

“What is the meaning of this?” he demanded, glaring at me like I’d chosen to be stuck here, unable to speak or move.

“I can’t speak!” I tried to answer, but Magnus only frowned, clearly unable to understand me.

“She thinks she’s a mime or somethin’,” Rocco explained, shaking his head and nearly launching Yolanda across the room.

“What is that? A mime?” Magnus responded.

As if in response, a knock sounded on the door. As soon as Magnus heard it, he unsheathed his sword and held it high above his head, as if he thought he would have to dispatch a monster that was about to appear from the ether. Then Magnus just stood there, like an idiot frozen on pause before the doorbell rang.

“Yo, someone’s at the door, man,” Rocco said.

Magnus nodded, then he lumbered away, presumably to find out who had come to visit. I recognized the sound of my mother’s voice a minute or so later.

“Hi, baby,” she purred, presumably at Magnus. “What took you so long? Ohhh, why do you have your big sword out, Daddy?” That question was followed by a pronounced giggle. “Is that your big sword, or are you just happy to see me?” Another irritating laugh. “Oh, you know I love it when you touch me there.” Egad . “Why are you leading me that way, Magnus Baby?” There was a response in the form of a grunt. “I thought, first things first, we should go find some place to have a little… alone time, if you know what I mean?” Another giggle and then a pause. “Some one-on-one time?”

Finally, they both appeared in the dining room and as soon as she saw me, Mom’s smile fell right off her face. It was replaced by a frown, which was then followed by a look of complete and total bewilderment.

“Kate, why on earth are you stuck to the wall?” she asked, her tone dripping with disapproval. She then waddled up to me with the skin-tight, low-cut red dress (that was literally open down to her navel), bright purple, stripper heels, and overdone makeup. She looked like she was taking a break from working the corner. At least, she wasn’t dressed like a dominatrix any longer, but I was pretty sure that if she bent over, she’d give anyone standing behind her a new understanding of the word ‘moon. ’

“Where’s that dreadful, homeless vampire?” she continued, shaking her head as she turned from me back to Magnus. “Did you finally get rid of him, baby?”

“No,” Magnus replied, his voice tense. “The vampire is currently unaccounted for.”

“GET LUKE!” I mouthed the words to my mother, desperate for someone to understand me.

My mother leaned in and then nodded as she turned to Magnus. “She’s saying she needs Lou.”

“I do not know of anyone called ‘Lou’,” Magnus responded.

Mom cocked her hip to the side and waved her hand in the air in a rendition of impatience. “That magical guy that was here yesterday—the one who’s kind of uptight and seems to have a thing for Katie.” She paused. “The one who doesn’t like the homeless vampire.”

Magnus nodded as Mom then faced me again and took a few steps closer, inspecting the runes that were keeping me fastened to the wall. “Kate, why aren’t you using your voice?”

“I can’t speak!” I said as slowly as I could.

Mom nodded. “Is this like that Ursula, the sea witch, situation with the little mermaid?” she asked, coming closer and peering at my throat. “Did you trade your voice for something in return?” Then she stood up straight and crossed her arms over her chest, nearly setting one of her massive boobs free in the process. “Well, I hope it was worth it, Katie, because your singing voice was never that good to begin with.”

Magnus shook his head at me like this whole thing was a huge waste of his time. “This is not how a Daughter of the Moon should behave.”

“You’re tellin’ me!” Rocco said with a nod. “I ain’t even been fed yet!”

“Me neitha!” Yolanda agreed.

But Magnus ignored them both. Instead, he stood tall, his imposing frame silhouetted against the windows, which were starting to brighten with the rising sun. With a swift, practiced motion, Magnus moved his hand to his skirt (I was never sure what to call his warrior garment because it wasn’t exactly a kilt) and drew a small, gleaming blade from the waistband.

Now, the first thought that ran through my brain was that Magnus had finally had enough of my screw-ups and was preparing to assassinate me. And I couldn’t even blame him. But rather than slitting my throat, he raised the blade to shoulder height, and, with a fluid, precise movement, he slashed downward through the air in front of him. The blade left behind a trail of shimmering energy (for lack of a better description) and a faint hum filled the air.

“Whaddaya doin’, big guy?” Rocco demanded, looking up at the oaf as he approached Magnus. Rocco seemed mesmerized by the edges of what I could only term a ‘portal’ as they pulsed with vibrant colors, shifting and swirling like the aurora borealis.

“Magnus, what in the world did you just do?” Mom asked.

Magnus didn’t respond, but sheathed the blade with a final, decisive motion, securing it back under his skirt. Then he stood there for a moment, like he was contemplating the portal he’d created. Finally, with a determined nod, he stepped forward and disappeared into the opening.

“Oh, my God!” Mom said, bringing her hands to her face. “But… he just… he just… disappeared! Magnus, come back!”

A few tense moments passed before Magnus returned, stepping through the portal just as easily as he’d disappeared into it. This time, however, he was accompanied by Luke. Once Luke stepped through after Magnus, the portal zipped itself back up and disappeared. I was left to merely wonder how many tricks Magnus and Luke shared between the two of them, tricks that I knew nothing about. It was a question worth asking—but it would have to wait until I got myself out of my current predicament, anyway.

Luke’s attention moved from Magnus to my mother (who was looking at Magnus like he was a zombie that had just crawled out of the grave—except a really hot zombie) and then to Rocco. The goat simply inclined his head in my direction and that was when Luke’s attention fell on me. Luke’s eyes went wide before his eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead and he looked… well, he looked like he was pissed off. And understandably so.

“Kate?” he started. “How…? What…?”

“—apparently she’s being held against the wall because she made a deal with a sea witch and the witch took her voice,” Mom announced, shaking her head like I was the queen of all screwups. “As to what Katie got in the bargain, I don’t know, because she can’t tell any of us. ”

“That old broad’s off ‘er rocker,” Rocco said as he clomped up to Luke. “That ain’t what happened at all.”

Luke looked at Magnus and Magnus simply nodded.

“Valerian is gone,” Magnus informed him, “and the Daughter of the Moon is a failure.”

Well, that was certainly making a long story short, but Magnus wasn’t wrong—Valerian was gone, and I was definitely a fuck-up, so he wasn’t lying. Luke nodded, seeming to understand the gist of the situation. He walked up even closer to me, then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before saying in a steady and resonant voice, “I call upon The Empress to restore what has been unjustly taken from the Daughter of the Moon. May Kate’s voice be returned to her, strong and clear.”

Then Luke raised his hands, palms up, and a greenish light began to glow at his throat. As I watched, the light shifted, growing larger as it flowed through the air toward me, like a river of golden mist. I could feel the warmth of the light enveloping me, and once it did, I felt both soothed and somehow revitalized. The warmth of the light concentrated around my throat and as the brightness of the light began to fade, I opened my mouth to speak .

“Can you hear me?” I asked Luke, who immediately nodded and lowered his hands.

Relief flooded me as I took a deep breath and tried to remember everything I needed to tell Luke.

“Valerian got away,” I blurted out. “He had the key to the room of The Star all along because he, as a vampire, was actually the embodiment of strength.” I paused as something occurred to me. “Which brings up the question of why Valerian didn’t just go into the room of The Star once he realized he had the key? Maybe the key only came to him recently? I’m not sure.” Then I shrugged, as if to say that it didn’t really matter at this junction because the key was gone and so was Valerian.

“This is what happens when you let the homeless into your house,” Mom said on a sigh. “They shack up in your bedroom and won’t leave.”

“Anyway, Valerian tricked me, Luke,” I continued, ignoring my mother. “He tricked me because he actually has magic. I know that sounds impossible and I was thinking the same thing at first—you know, how can he have magic if he’s a vampire? Well, I don’t have an answer to that question. All I do know is that Valerian somehow has magic now. And he used his magic to reverse your spell, the one that was keeping him trapped against the wall, so the spell actually trapped me instead. And that’s… well, that’s why I’m standing here right now.” I took a long breath.

“Is that it?” Luke asked.

I shook my head. “How Valerian figured out how to undo your magic, I don’t know. It didn’t make sense to me at first, but then he explained that the blood Artemis was feeding him through the IV wasn’t just blood.” I cocked my head to the side as I further contemplated it. “I mean, it was blood, but there was liquid magic in it too. So, basically, Artemis created a superhero vampire.” I cocked my head to the other side.

“A superhero vampire who poses as a homeless one,” Mom said, nodding like that made all the sense in the world. “Instead of Clark Kent, he goes by Park Tent.”

“Mom!” I yelled at her, shaking my head. “Can you just stop talking for two seconds?”

“Well!” she huffed at me, turning her chin up. “I think I liked you better when the sea witch had your voice.”

“What more, Kate?” Luke asked, turning his attention back to me.

I took a deep breath. “Anyway, once Valerian found out what room the key unlocked, the room of The Star, he imprisoned me here with your spell, Luke, and went to find that room.” I paused. “Did I mention he has the key?”

Luke’s expression darkened as he absorbed the information, but he didn’t say anything more. Instead, with a wave of his hand, the glowing runes that were binding me to the wall simply dissolved, and I gratefully stepped away from them, rubbing my wrists where they’d been chafed by the magical restraints.

“Kate,” Luke started as he breathed in deeply. “How did Valerian manage to get you up against the wall in order for the runes to seize you in the first place?”

Well, now, wasn’t that the question?

I swallowed hard, feeling the heat creep up into my cheeks as I remembered exactly what had passed between Valerian and me, ending with my imprisonment, although there was no way I was going to divulge the steamy details of my encounter with Valerian. Instead, I mumbled, “He was just… able to do it.”

Luke raised an eyebrow, clearly sensing that there was more to the story. But I didn’t want to get into it, so I quickly changed the subject. “The point is, we have to go after Valerian. I mean… who knows what trouble he could be causing now?”